Educating Eve

by Anna Archer

  “Don’t! Let’s at least drink his Champagne first.” Eve pulled off the foil wrapping and untwisted the metal wire, exposing the cork and popping it quickly. “Way-hay!” she shouted before realising they had no glasses and taking a glug from the bottle instead.

  “What are you doing?” said Bonnie in shock.

  “Cheers!” said Eve wiping her mouth. “Now, let’s play a game called dare or truth. You start.”

  “Fine. Truth. Who have you been shagging?”

  “I’ll have a dare instead please.”

  “Okay, go and thank that man for the Champagne and tell him I’m single, but you’re not, because you’ve clearly been shagging some mystery eunuch.”

  “Wrong word.”

  “Oh who cares what the politically correct term for your weird sexual preference is. Now go. He’s still staring. I’ll stay here and look all aloof like a chaste Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman.”

  Eve turned to her colleague who was actually looking more like a Christingle orange, wrapped in a fluorescent green ribbon. “Fine, but don’t move, and play it cool.”

  “Obviously, darling, this isn’t my first rodeo.”

  Eve pictured Bonnie riding a man like a rodeo horse and tried not to grimace. “Wish me luck,” she said, pushing herself out of the booth and strolling nonchalantly towards the bearded man at the bar, before hissing under her breath when she got close enough. “What the bloody hell are you doing. I’m with Bonnie.”

  Manny smiled. “Whey aye man, I’m Manuel.”

  “You need to leave. She’ll spot you.”

  “Howay, man, it’s canny good like.”

  “What? Stop talking in that silly accent.”

  Manny giggled. “Sorry, I’m just playing the part, do you like my disguise? I’ve had it professionally done at Helen’s hair and beauty. It took them two hours.”

  “Why?!”

  “I wanted to watch you.”

  “Why?!”

  “I missed you, and I felt like pushing the boat out.”

  “But why?! This is so over the top!”

  Manny’s smile was huge. “United have taken me back. I’m starting again on Monday.”

  Eve couldn’t help but gasp. “Really?”

  “Yes, really. You’re not my teacher anymore, Eve. We’ll never tell anyone about this week. We’ll officially let our friendship develop over the next month or so and everything will be out in the open and fine.”

  “So why risk it with the Manuel disguise?”

  “Just a last bit of fun before we become another boring lesbian couple.” Manny spoke quickly. “And we are becoming a couple. A real couple. An honest couple. A couple who bring out the best in each other. You’re everything I could dream of, Eve, and I’ve found myself because of you. You’re my woman and I want you in my life.”

  Eve smiled, unable to stop the words from escaping. “Oh I love you so much, Manny.”

  Manny gasped and instinctively threw her arms around Eve’s shoulders. “And I love you too! I do, Eve!” She pulled her in tight. “I know I do, and you do too, and we’re going to get our happy ever after, and—”

  Bonnie’s seductive voice separated them instantly. “That’s quite the thank you, Eve, but I can take it from here. Hi, Manuel, I’m Bonnie, I’m the single one. She’s a pansexual, or asexual, or whatever the phrase is nowadays, but she’s one of those and she’s finally taken. Whether that’s by a man, woman, hermaphrodite or eunuch we are yet to see, but I, however, am old-school boy-at-a-bar-meets-girl-in-a-booth. So, would you like to come over and join me?”

  Manny kept her eyes down. “Cheers, pet, but—”

  “I shan’t take no for an answer. Two glasses, barman, for that bottle of Champagne.”

  Manny tried to speak again. “Wouldn’t Eve like—”

  “Eve said she needed the toilet.”

  Eve nodded quickly. “I do, sorry.” There was no way she could sit in a booth as Bonnie made a pass at her bearded girlfriend. Eve gasped at herself as she walked away. Girlfriend. Manny Jones was going to be her girlfriend. She was going to have a girlfriend. A someone. A life. She smiled from ear to ear, not caring how Manny was going to get herself out of this situation, just thrilled at how the evening had turned out. Manny had said she loved her. More than that. She was in love with her, and she was going back to football, meaning the student-teacher issue would disappear. No one would ever have to know about their wild week of half term happiness, only that their happiness had begun after Manny stepped away from school.

  Eve giggled to herself as she rounded the corner of the bar. She could even privately tutor Manny if she wanted to continue with her biology and PE A-Levels. Snatched moments of study in the evenings and at weekends. The possibilities were endless, but the important thing was that Manny would no longer be a student at Ridgecrest.

  “She’s a student at Ridgecrest!” came the loud scream. “You can’t be dating my daughter!”

  Eve spun around to see a middle-aged woman pointing her finger into the booth at the back.

  “You’re a teacher at Ridgecrest!” continued the woman at full volume.

  Eve froze. Bonnie’s orange skin had turned bright red and she was gasping with seemingly no clue what was going on.

  “I know you, Mrs Bruster! You’re ancient! You’ve been teaching cooking at that school for years! And what are you into? Getting my daughter to dress up as a boy? Or is this you, Manzana?! Being a lesbian isn’t enough anymore? You’re planning on jumping on this trans bandwagon as well, are you?!”

  Eve panicked as the previously seated people who’d been enjoying a quiet drink or meal were now standing. The name Manzana was unique and a lesbian Manzana could only mean one thing.

  “Is that Manny Jones?” asked someone, reaching into their handbag for their phone.

  Eve knew she had no option but to create a distraction. “Flashmob!” she shouted, grabbing two half-empty bottles of beer from the bar and holding them tightly as she waved them above her head like glowsticks, causing their contents to spray out in a foamy froth as she started to can-can her way around the carpet. The people instinctively protected their phones from the beer spray and Manny obviously cottoned on to the distraction as she darted out of the booth towards the exit.

  “Come back, young lady!” shouted the woman to the bearded Manuel, which sounded and looked very peculiar indeed.

  “What are you doing?” screamed the barman, grabbing the bottles out of Eve’s hands.

  “What’s happening?” wailed Bonnie, now out of the booth and purple with shock.

  The people looked around in confusion.

  “We’re an amateur dramatics group,” said Eve to no one in particular. “We’re rehearsing.”

  “Well do it somewhere else,” snapped the barman.

  Eve nodded in apology and tried to casually stroll back to the booth. “Hello,” she said with a smile.

  “Eve!” gasped Bonnie. “What’s going on? Do you know this woman? Manzana’s mother?”

  The woman finally lowered her voice. “I followed her here. In fact I’ve been following her all afternoon. Two hours it took for them to turn her into a boy. It’s weird enough that you like them so young, but to make her change her sex? You need to get a grip on yourself, Mrs Bruster. She says she loves you, but how can she love you if you’re making her pretend she’s someone she’s not.”

  Bonnie cleared her throat. “That wonderful young man was Manuel from Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, and you’ve just ruined my chances with him.” She turned to Eve. “How’s the talent at the toilets?”

  “That was my daughter, Manny Jones, and for some unbeknown reason she’s in love with you.”

  Bonnie hooted.

  “She’s been with you every night this week.”

  Bonnie hooted again.

  “She’s giving up school and going back to football for you.”

  Bonnie was clearly about to hoot in amusement one final time when she suddenly turned to look
at Eve. “Wait, you—”

  The singing was loud. “Evie, Evie, Evie. Why do you always leavie, leavie, leave me?”

  Eve spun around to see Rob and his very drunk gang of hockey teammates piling their way into the pub. They’d won an important cup game this morning and had clearly been out drinking ever since. “Rob!” she said with enthusiasm. “There you are!” Lunging forwards she kissed him passionately on the lips, his drunken state and her fervour almost forcing them to the floor.

  He pulled away and sung again. “Eve, Eve, Eve, show me your cleave, cleave, cleavage.”

  Eve stroked the side of his face. “Oh dear, Rob, I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink, let me take you home.” She turned to her colleague. “Bonnie, this is Rob, by the way.”

  Rob sang again. “I’m going home, home, home, to bury my bone, bone, bone.”

  The cheers erupted from the group of men. “Who are your friends?” shouted one of the players.

  Eve looked at the women standing next to her. “Would you like me to introduce you?”

  “Of course not!” snapped Manny’s mum before turning to Bonnie. “And don’t you pretend to be interested in one of these lager louts to throw me off the scent. I’ll be coming into that school first thing on Monday morning and getting to the bottom of all of this.”

  Bonnie straightened her fluorescent green jumpsuit as she watched the woman march away. “Well, I better have one final bit of fun while I can.” She nodded. “Eve, who are these hunks?”

  Eve guided Bonnie into the middle of the group. “Men, she’s all yours.”

  The group erupted into wild cheers.

  “Well hello there, gentleman,” said Bonnie.

  Eve watched the group of male bodies engulf her colleague, then turned to slip quietly away.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Sitting behind her desk in form time on Monday morning, Eve had no clue what to expect. Bonnie hadn’t returned a single phone call and had deliberately avoided her in the staff briefing choosing to sit with Betty and Bill in the corner instead of on the sunken seat she’d laid claim to for the past twenty-five years. Even Eve’s request for a chat that she’d made in front of Betty and Bill had been met with silence as if Bonnie was as deaf as the pair of them and hadn’t heard her either.

  “You’re sad, aren’t you, Miss?” said Jasmine, lifting her head from the book she’d been reading. “No one to exchange energy with anymore.”

  Eve panicked. Had something got out online? Had Jasmine seen footage from the chaos on Saturday night? Eve controlled her breathing. It was fine. Everything was fine. A thorough search of the online forums and tattle sites made it obvious that Manuel had got away with his ducking and diving, in and out of the pub, and no one seemed to have any footage of her impromptu beer-bottle glowstick can-can dance either.

  “Don’t worry, I’m sad too, Miss Eden,” said Kitty. “But I knew it was too good to last. One of Manny’s biographies said her favourite quote is: Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.” Kitty shrugged. “She was always going to go back to football.”

  “She might just be sick,” said Dulcie. “Or late. It’s not even nine o’clock yet.”

  “It was on United’s twitter feed,” said Kitty with authority. “She’s left us.”

  “She used us, more like,” said Jasmine. “To hide while she kept her head down.”

  “Her head’s certainly been down somewhere,” said Bonnie, barging her way into the classroom. “Miss Eden, a word, please.”

  Eve looked up in shock. She knew this was coming but she’d hoped she might have been able to soften Bonnie’s blow. Manny had done her part, convincing her mother not to come into school. Offering her the job as her official manager had done it apparently; that and insisting she didn’t actually want to be a boy and would continue to dress and behave like a girl, a lesbian girl unfortunately, but a girl all the same. Who her mum now thought she was in love with, she had no clue, but that didn’t seem to be a concern for Manny’s mum, or momager as she’d apparently asked to be called.

  That meant the only real threat left to deal with was Bonnie, and Eve knew she’d failed spectacularly in her part of the ‘tie-up-the-lose-ends’ plan that her and Manny had come up with. Manny hadn’t returned to her apartment on Saturday evening, spending the time getting her mother back on board and removing the full-face of individually stuck on beard hairs, no doubt; but she had come around yesterday and told Eve exactly what she needed to do. She needed to keep Bonnie quiet, no matter what it took. Quite how much Bonnie actually knew had been an interesting discussion point with Manny believing Bonnie had fallen for the disguise entirely even though Eve had relayed how crystal-clear Manny’s mum had been that Manuel was in fact her own daughter.

  Eve stared up at Bonnie. What Manny hadn’t seen was the recognition in Bonnie’s eye. The moment the penny had dropped. Bonnie knew everything and Bonnie was here to expose her. Pushing herself away from her desk, Eve reached down for her bag. She would probably get escorted offsite and she didn’t want the embarrassment of having to come back for her bag and face her students with the knowledge that she’d been fired. She turned to smile at Jasmine, Kitty, Dulcie and the gang. “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.”

  Bonnie put her arm on Eve’s shoulder and scooped her out of the room. “Why are you quoting bollocks at them like you’re dying?” she hissed. “And why have you got your bag?”

  Eve stared at her colleague. “Because you’re about to tell on me, or you’ve already told on me, or you’re—”

  “Oh get a grip, Eve. How old are you, five?”

  “Old enough to know it’s wrong to have a student-teacher affair.”

  “Shush would you!” snapped Bonnie, moving Eve away from the door to the other side of the corridor. “One,” she said, with her finger pointing, “I had to check she had actually gone. She’s gone. Manny’s no longer a student here at Ridgecrest. Mrs Howard’s going to call you in to thank you for your work and I didn’t want you tripping yourself up thinking she was calling you in to fire you.”

  “I’m not getting fired?”

  “Two,” said Bonnie, ignoring the panic. “I had the best sex of my life this weekend so I have a few conditions.”

  “Conditions?”

  “You’re buying my silence, Eve. Plus this is my chance to properly make amends for David. He phoned yesterday. He wanted an alibi. Said some woman had accused him of sexual harassment. Wanted to say he’d been with me the week it had allegedly happened. But I digress. He’s an idiot, and I should have treated you better. But still, I have conditions.” She left the second finger pointing. “You’ll invite me to all of the post-match drinks at your hockey club. Better than that. You’ll tell me the dates and times of each male fixture.”

  Eve frowned. “They’re on the website.”

  “But you’re my in. The way they threw me around,” Bonnie moaned in remembrance, “I felt fourteen again.”

  “They? And fourteen?”

  Bonnie stuck out her third finger. “And tickets to any England matches that Manny may eventually play in. If we make the World Cup finals, I want to be pitch-side. Or the Euros. I’ll take the Euros too.”

  Eve’s voice was disbelieving. “You don’t care what I’ve done?”

  “Oh listen love, you’ll have varicose veins like the rest of us in no time, I’m just glad to see you’re finally shagging.” Bonnie paused. “And you didn’t have a choice really.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Manny. Manzana.”

  “What?”

  “And you’re Eve. Eve Eden. Of course it was going to happen.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Her name.” Bonnie gasped. “Oh for the love of god please tell me you know what her name means?”

  “Manzana?”

  Bonnie nodded. “Spanish for apple.”

  Eve fell silent.

  “She’s
your temptation, Eve. Of course you were going to take that bite.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Four years later:

  Live radio ‘5Live’ broadcast:

  “And it’s like a repeat of the last Women’s World Cup final! Manny Jones’ England team are holding the USA to a two-two draw with seconds to go! I don’t believe it! She’s got the ball again! Jane Jotta’s making her run down the centre of the pitch. You couldn’t make this up! She’s passed Warden and Peters! She’s got a clear run on goal! Are the USA about to win the Women’s World Cup Final? And here’s Manny Jones! History’s repeating itself! She’s chasing! She’s meters away! Just look at that speed! Not a sign of that horror injury she received four years ago! Just look at that! Will she tackle? No! She’s in front! She’s passed her! Manny Jones is in front! She’s blocked her! She’s tackled! She’s got it! She’s got the ball! Manny Jones has dispossessed Jane Jotta! Manny Jones is on the attack for England! She’s fast! She’s on the attack! She’s haring back down the pitch. Just look at that! And Jotta! Jotta’s stopped! Her hands are on her head! She can’t believe it!”

  “Nor can anyone else who’s come up against Manny Jones over the past couple of years. Two Champions League cups for United, two FA Cup wins.”

  “Is she about to add a World Cup win to the list?! I think she is! She’s unstoppable! She’s passed Miller, but here’s Cook holding her ground! Cook’s there for the USA. How’s Jones going to handle this? She’s looking to the wings. Wait! She’s chipped it! Incredible! She’s chipped it over Cook! Manny Jones has just chipped the ball over Cook at the back! They don’t know what to do! The USA team have frozen! This is her chance! Manny Jones is meters out! She has Davis on her left and… No! She’s struck it! Manny Jones has struck the ball! It’s in! It’s a goaaaaaaaaaaaaal for Manzana Jones and England! Top corner! What power! England have won the World Cup! Manny Jones has put England three-two up with seconds to spare! There it is! There’s the whistle! I don’t believe it! They’ve done it! She’s done it! She’s England’s hero! Manzana Jones has won it for England! What a talent! What determination! What bravery! She took them all on and scattered them like skittles! That’s Manny Jones telling us she’s back!”