Hurricane Hearts

by Nina Levine

  Whisky and me were old friends, but tonight, I should have eased up on that friendship. Fuck knew how much I’d had to drink, but it was enough to mess with my thinking, so I stayed away from Birdie as long as I could. I didn’t want to discuss anything in this state, and I was fairly certain she’d want to talk if she was still awake when I got back.

  By 3:00 a.m. I’d spent hours going over everything she’d told me, trying to get a handle on it. Trying to shift the weight of anger and disappointment crushing me. I hadn’t succeeded, but as I entered our hotel room and laid eyes on her, my chest tightened with love. It always did when I saw her. It wouldn’t matter what she did, that love would never disappear. That was what I clung to, because even with everything going on between us, there was nothing I wanted more than a future with this woman. I just didn’t know how to move us past where we were.

  She rolled over, the sliver of light from outside casting a glow over her face as she sat up in the bed. “I was worried about you.”

  Even in my drunken state, I experienced a twinge of guilt. It hadn’t been my intent to stay out late and worry her. However, I didn’t have it in me to get into that. After everything with her and Max, I was exhausted.

  Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I said, “Go back to sleep.”

  “Winter—” she started, but I cut her off.

  “Birdie, I’m tired and I’ve had too much to drink to do this again now. Go back to sleep.”

  Pulling her knees up against her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs. “I haven’t been asleep. I’ve spent all night wondering where you were and whether you were okay or whether you were out there getting yourself into trouble again.”

  I sat on the bed and removed my boots. When they were off, I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head, wishing like fuck she was asleep. Wishing we didn’t have to talk right now.

  Birdie placed her hand on my back. “Winter, please.” Her voice cracked. “Don’t shut me out.”

  “Fuck, I’m not trying to shut you out.” I pushed up off the bed and faced her as I reached for my belt. The pain on her face hit me in the gut. We were both fucking hurting here. “What I’m trying to do is not say something I’ll regret later.”

  “Maybe you should say it,” she said softly. “Maybe it’s what you need. I’m not going anywhere, regardless of what you say.”

  “Aren’t you?”

  My question came out a harsh demand that Birdie took without argument, and when she said, “I deserve that, and no, I’m not leaving. Not this time,” I felt like a bastard. This wasn’t a fight I wanted, and I wasn’t saying stuff to her because I thought she deserved it. Fuck, I loved her; I didn’t seek to destroy with my words. But somehow, I had to get myself out from under all this anger and hurt without doing just that.

  I stripped down to my boxer briefs and got into bed. “We’ll talk when we wake up.”

  She didn’t lie back down. Instead, she left the bed and walked to the bathroom. I tracked her movements, unable to take my eyes off her. The intense anger I’d felt when I returned to the hotel earlier had shifted to the kind I could ride rather than unleash. I’d been that furious with her before, I’d struggled to look at her, but now I could. And I couldn’t help but see everything I wanted with her. A life together. Growing old with her. A family if we could make that happen. But still, getting into all this now would be a mistake, so I stayed where I was.

  Ten minutes passed without her returning to the bed and my natural instinct to take care of her kicked in. I made my way to the closed door between us and knocked. “Birdie.”

  Her muffled voice sounded but I couldn’t make out what she said. “Open the door,” I said.

  “Go back to bed, Winter. I’m going to have a shower.”

  I knew by the way she stuttered and the faint sound of sniffles that she was crying. Raking my fingers through my hair, I warred with myself over whether to leave her alone or push her to open this door. In the end, my father’s example of how to handle conflict in a relationship led the way and I said more forcefully, “I might be angry about everything you’ve told me, Angel, and I might not want to talk about it right now, but I need to know you’re okay. Let me in so I can see that for myself.” I knew her own pain over losing our baby and the ability to fall pregnant naturally must have been hitting her hard.

  It took her another minute or so but she finally opened the door. I ran my gaze over her red, blotchy face and tear-filled eyes as she said, “I’m okay.”

  Fuck, how did we get here? She was far from okay, and I was far from being able to help her. I wanted to reach out, pull her into my arms, and tell her we would get through this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. My arms were heavy weights by my side, controlled by the shit going on in my head. How the hell that shit had more control than my love for her, I didn’t know. But the truth of the matter was it did. I allowed it to.

  We stood watching each other in silence until she quietly closed the door, putting that barrier between us again. When I heard the shower turn on, I sat on the edge of the bed and blew out a long breath. “Fuck,” I muttered, wondering how long it would be until I was able to let these feelings go and begin working through everything with Birdie. I fucking hoped it was soon, because where we were now felt like shit, and we had far too much history to be going backwards. I hadn’t thought I’d ever allow anything to come between us like this.

  Turned out I was wrong.

  23

  BIRDIE

  The first thing I saw when I woke just after 8:00 a.m. was Winter’s back disappearing into the bathroom and the door closing behind him. The sound of the shower running a moment later let me know he didn’t intend to come back to bed.

  Sitting up, I wiped the tears that leaked from my eyes as I let that sink in. In all the fights we’d had, not once had Winter pulled away from me like he was now. Leaving the bed without touching me wasn’t something he’d ever done. Just like sleeping on his side of the bed, facing away from me wasn’t something I’d had to live through either. Even at his angriest with me, he’d kept me close. This chill between us made me doubt we’d survive this.

  Pushing the bed covers off, I went in search of painkillers to help ease the headache I’d woken with. Lack of sleep never did me any favours. Neither did a lack of routine. I was used to going to bed early and getting up for a run before 5:00 a.m. Two days without any of that and I was paying the price.

  I rummaged in my handbag and located some Advil. After washing two pills down with water, I made a coffee and was taking my first sip when the bathroom door opened and Winter appeared in the doorway. The towel wrapped around his waist was all he wore.

  My body instinctively reacted to his; it always did, regardless of whatever issues sat between us. I knew his reacted the same to mine, and today was no different. His eyes ran over my body, his nostrils flared, and when his eyes met mine, the heat in them was unmistakable. But instead of coming to me, he cut across the room to his bag. I watched in silence as the towel dropped from his waist and he dressed.

  Every second of this silence between us slowly killed me.

  I drank some more coffee, willing it to help alleviate my headache, before saying, “Are you going out?” He’d said we’d talk this morning, but it didn’t look like he was about to engage in conversation.

  Turning as he finished sliding his T-shirt into place, he nodded. “Yeah, I need to spend some time at Dad’s place today. We need to get it ready to rent.”

  I kept my gaze glued to him as he moved to his side of the bed and sat to put his boots on. With one last gulp of coffee, I broached the subject he avoided. “How long are you going to not talk to me about what I did?”

  He stilled for a moment as he laced his boots, but then went right back to what he was doing, not answering my question. When he was done, he looked up and gave me his raw honesty that I always cherished. I’d never met a man like Winter. One who didn’t fuck me around, but who just opened his
heart and gave me the contents without all the bullshit. “I don’t know.” He exhaled. “I honestly don’t fucking know.”

  My heart constricted at the heartache I heard in his words, and I fought the tears forming. I hated this distance between us, but what I hated more was seeing Winter hurt like this.

  Nodding, I madly blinked back my tears, willing them not to fall until he’d left. “Okay.”

  He stood, watching me. I waited for him to leave, but he didn’t. He came to me instead. “I love you, Angel, but I’m fucking mad with you, and until I get that shit under control, I need some space.”

  I swallowed hard. “I know, but I’m worried you’ve got so much to deal with at the moment…. Your dad, your brother, Melissa, me…. If you need to talk about any of that, I’m here. We can put our stuff on hold if you just need to get other stuff out.” God how I wished I hadn’t dumped this on him while he had everything else to deal with.

  He watched me for another agonisingly silent minute before saying, “I should be back before dinner. If not, I’ll let you know.” With that, he grabbed his phone and wallet, and exited the room.

  I let out the breath I’d been holding and the tears I’d been forcing back, and collapsed onto the bed, my heart in pieces and my hope clinging for life. He might have told me he loved me, but was love ever enough? I wasn’t so sure it was, but I’d hold out all the hope in the world that it would be for us.

  Hours passed in which I went for a long run, showered, ate, and attempted to watch some TV. I failed at the TV watching because my mind wouldn’t switch off from worrying over Winter. Just after lunchtime, I decided I needed to get out of the hotel room. I felt trapped in there. I didn’t care if I spent the entire afternoon walking around the city; I couldn’t spend another second cooped up.

  When I stepped inside the lift to go down to the lobby, the woman standing at the back of it smiled apologetically and said, “I’m sorry in advance. My boys have far too much energy today and seem to have lost their manners and their ability to follow rules.”

  I smiled as I took in the tired lines on her face. She looked like she hadn’t slept for a week. Her two sons, on the other hand, bubbled with energy as they clowned around in the lift. They were little, though, so I wasn’t too concerned they’d cause any problems.

  “It’s okay,” I said, “Let them have fun.”

  Her relief was evident as the tension in her shoulders eased. “Thank you. Some people seem incapable of understanding that children just want to have fun. It’s like some of us have lost that zest for life in the time we grew from childhood to adulthood.” She paused briefly before asking, “Do you have kids?”

  Oh God, why today? Out of all the days, why do I have to answer this question today?

  I quickly shook my head. “No.”

  One of the boys stepped on my foot as his brother jostled him. He glanced up at me with genuine apology. “Sorry.”

  I gave him a smile, but before I could say anything, his mother chastised him. The lift reached our destination and the doors opened, and we all filed out. I was grateful for an end to any further conversation with the woman. However, the universe wasn’t done with me yet.

  As she took both their hands, she looked over at me. “Raising kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but people like you make it that bit easier. Sometimes it’s just that one little thing someone says that can turn my day around. Thank you. And if you ever have kids, I hope you’re surrounded by people just like you.”

  My heart squeezed so hard I thought it might actually stop beating. I needed to sit. I was going to cry like a fucking baby right here in this hotel lobby with what felt like a million sets of eyes on me.

  I decided that what I really needed was fresh air, so I put one foot in front of the other until I made it outside and found a seat. Inhaling, I sucked air deep into my lungs and closed my eyes while trying to talk myself out of crying.

  Telling Winter about my pregnancy had brought it all back up for me. The pain of losing the baby, the pain of losing both my tubes, and the pain of walking away from him all those years ago. It sat so close to the surface that I felt like it was happening all over again.

  Walking away from Winter had almost killed me. He’d been my everything for a decade. All my hopes and dreams had been tied to him. My future was him. Until I’d known it couldn’t be. Because as much as I’d loved him and wanted no one but him, I couldn’t take away his chance at being a father. Cleo had tried to talk me around, shoving information at me about IVF. That was an option, but the one friend I’d known who tried it had spent eight years attempting to have a baby and had ended up childless and in debt. I didn’t want that for Winter. I’d decided I’d rather he found love with someone who could give him what he wanted. So I left.

  I’d spent the last five years trying like hell to forget how much I wanted children. I didn’t want to contemplate IVF because I wasn’t sure I could handle the journey, so I put having babies completely out of my mind. It was only in the last six months that I’d found my way to being okay with not having a family. Or so I thought, because this reaction to what that woman said wasn’t the reaction of someone who was okay with not having a family.

  I need Winter.

  God how I needed him, but I was the last person he needed right now, so instead, I called Cleo.

  “Hey you,” she said, “How are you today? How’s Winter?”

  I burst into tears.

  “Shit,” Cleo murmured. “Hang on one sec, babe. I just need to take care of something and then I’m all yours.”

  I waited for her with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t even bother wiping them or trying to stop them. They clearly needed to fall, so I let them. People walked by, eyeing me with curiosity, but I ignored them.

  A couple of minutes later, she came back on the line. “Okay, Birdie, I’m all yours. Tell me what’s going on.”

  “I don’t think I’m okay with not having kids,” I blurted. Just saying it out loud devastated me, let alone thinking about it.

  “Fuck. You need me and I can’t get there.” She turned silent for a beat. “Fuck, babe, if I could, I’d be on a plane today, but I can’t leave.”

  I gripped my phone harder. “I know. That’s not why I called. I just needed to hear your voice. Winter has shut down on me and then this morning this woman said stuff to me about having kids, and fuck, I’m a mess.” I took a breath and wiped my tears. “I honestly thought I was at the point where I was good with not having children, but now, with this reaction, I don’t know. Oh God, Cleo…. My life is a fucking mess.” By the time I got all my words out, my heart was racing. Every word I said and every thought I had only increased my confusion.

  “Okay, slow down and let’s go through this. Your life isn’t a mess; you’ve just got shit to deal with. That’s normal. And as far as you not being able to have kids, we’ve discussed this and you have options. I know they’re not the options you wish you had, but babe, people have worse options. We can talk more about that, but first tell me more about how Winter is handling this.”

  She was right; it was normal. And yet, it all felt overwhelmingly messy. But she was also right to be blunt with me, because when I got like this, I didn’t do well with anything but blunt.

  “He doesn’t want to talk about it. Not yet. He told me he loves me but he’s fucking mad with me and he needs space until he gets that shit under control. His words exactly.”

  “Right, we can work with that. Especially with the bit about him loving you. Where is he today?”

  “At his dad’s place, figuring out how to get it ready to rent.”

  “And you’re not with him because he needs space, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  She turned silent for a moment. “Okay, I get that he needs space, but you guys need to talk, Birdie. Even if that’s a fight, you need to start getting this stuff out.”

  “I don’t disagree with you, but I’ve never seen Winter like this. He�
�s never pushed me away, ever. I don’t want to force him to talk when he’s not ready and chance him retreating even further.”

  “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to initiate a conversation? I don’t think you want to let this go on for too long.”

  “We’ve got his dad’s funeral tomorrow, so I’ll wait until Wednesday and see how he is then.”

  “Birdie,” she said softly, “don’t avoid this like you’ve been avoiding telling him about the baby. I know it’s painful and I know things will get said that might be ugly and hard to hear, but he’s told you he loves you; he won’t push you completely away.”

  I wiped the last of my tears from my cheeks, thinking about what she’d said. Hoping she was right. I was too close to the situation, too invested in it to think straight, so I relied on Cleo’s instinct.

  When I didn’t say anything, she said, “As for you having kids, you need to know that I am right here fighting alongside you for whatever you want in life, so if having kids is what you want, I’ve fucking got your back. I will move heaven and earth to help you. And when it comes to Winter, well, we all know that man will do whatever it takes to give you what you want. So you just concentrate on him for now and we’ll all cross that bridge if and when you get to it.”

  And there went my tears again.

  Good God, this was getting ridiculous.

  Madly brushing them away, I said, “I fucking love you, but you need to stop talking now because you’re making me cry.”

  I heard the smile in her voice when she said, “I fucking love you too, but I have to go because Mrs Wilson is about to arrive for her weekly physio session and we both know that I need to be centred and ready for whatever crap she’s going to throw at me today. God help me, Birdie. I swear my hands are gonna slip and end up around her neck one day.”

  I laughed through my tears. Mrs Wilson was the bane of Cleo’s existence. “Go. Get centred. I’ll keep you updated. And thank you for being the amazing friend you are.”