The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set)

by Lashell Collins

  “I think I'd like to go out with you, Robby,” she said softly. And he gave her that movie star smile again just as the bell began to ring.

  ~~~~~

  They had gone to a movie that Friday night. And on Saturday afternoon, they had gone for a walk in the park and ended up sitting there well into the evening, just talking. She discovered that Robby was the kind of person who never met a stranger. Unlike her. And he told her that he couldn't afford to be shy because if he were, he would never make any new friends the way his family moved around all the time.

  At school, she would watch him turning on the charm with everyone. The teachers all loved him. And Janie could tell that he was one of those people who somehow always managed to be part of the 'in crowd,' even though he was new. Always the life of the party, Robby was very charismatic and fun-loving. He was “the boy next door” who rocked. Literally. In no time at all, he had joined with a couple of the other boys from their class who played guitars and formed their own band. And with his all-American good looks and his sparkling personality, Janie was immediately smitten.

  The popular clique wasted no time in trying to bring him into their ranks, but Robby steadfastly resisted because they were the same clique that held Tanya Richards and Calvin Morris up as paragons of virtue. And they couldn't stand it that he chose to hang out with her over them. But Robby didn't care. He would tell her that it was their senior year of high school and they would soon be done with all the Tanya Richards and Calvin Morrises of the world anyway.

  They quickly became inseparable, and Janie had never felt so infatuated in her life. He was so different from her and yet, they seemed to fit somehow. She was so caught up in him, and she knew it. And what started out so innocently had become an all-consuming, passionate, sexual relationship within two months' time, and she found herself doing things she never imagined she would do – like sneaking him in through her bedroom window each night, or sneaking out of the house herself to go meet him and listen to his band play at parties she wasn't allowed to go to. She would have done anything for him back then, risked anything to be with him. Until the day she realized that Robby was never meant to be in her league. He was so talented and he had so many dreams and the heart to endure them. And Janie had never wanted to stand in his way. So she set him free. But doing so had broken her heart, and she had never gotten over it.

  After they had broken up, she got word that he had left town two weeks later and she never saw him again. She'd had no clue what became of him, until one night about four or five years ago when she was watching one of those entertainment news shows on TV and saw some rock group being interviewed about their new album. She couldn't believe it; she had nearly fallen off the sofa. There he was with four other guys, smiling and laughing. His hair was so long! But other than that, he looked exactly the same, still so good looking and charismatic.

  She had pulled out her laptop immediately and downloaded the album. And she fell asleep that night with her earbuds in, listening to the music and concentrating on the drums in each and every song. The next day she had rushed out after work and picked up the CD from the store, just to be able to hold the cover art in her hands and look at him. She became a devoted Jagged Ivory fan overnight, frequenting their website and devouring any and all information she could find. It was silly, she knew. But she couldn't stop herself. Just like she couldn't stop herself from going backstage tonight.

  She was blaming Bev for that decision, but Janie knew the truth of the matter is that she would have gone backstage this time without her friend's prompting. She had to. She had fought it long enough. The last time the band was in town Janie had purchased her ticket the instant she heard about the concert. But she had been kicking herself ever since because she had been too afraid to go backstage. She wasn't going to miss the opportunity again. But now that it was over and she had seen Robby, she felt even worse. She shouldn't have gone. Seeing him only made the memories more vivid. And the heartache more painful. And as she drove home, she knew that she now had to find a way to put it behind her. Once and for all.

  Chapter Two

  Buzzy laid staring at the ceiling, just as he had done for most of the night. When he wasn't tossing and turning he was staring. And thinking. Wondering. Trying to decide if he had really seen Janie Kim last night or if he had simply imagined the whole thing. Had she really been there? Had he really held her in his arms for the first time in forever? If he closed his eyes and thought about it, he could almost smell the soft flowery scent of her hair. Feel it brush against his cheek as he held her close. God, she felt so good in his arms! Had that really happened?

  He sighed, taking in a deep breath as he brought his hands up to his eyes and rubbed them. He was tired. They hadn't stayed out late. Even though he had been the ring leader in getting Cory and Otis and his cousins to join him at The Velvet Dog, after the Janie incident he just didn't feel like partying anymore. He stayed long enough to toast Cory's impending baby boy and to catch up with his cousins a little bit. But all he could think about was Janie, so he had to get out of there.

  He sat up slowly, stretching and yawning as he looked around the empty hotel suite. He was alone. And he snickered to himself as he realized that this was the first time he had woken up alone in a couple of months. There was a girl … some Japanese chick he had picked up backstage in Charlotte, North Carolina, who he had allowed to latch on. She was gorgeous, and the sex was good. Yuko something was her name. He liked her. She had been a fun diversion for a while. But he had ditched her backstage last night. Before they left for the club he had told her that her time on the tour bus was over. At the time, he wasn't sure why he'd done it. But now that the cold light of day was staring him in the face, he knew exactly why. He had gotten rid of her because she wasn't Janie. None of them were. And no matter how many women he plowed through, that would never change. As much as he tried to make it so, they would never be her.

  Shaking his head as he thought about it, he suddenly felt extremely pathetic. This is what his life had been reduced to. Going from one meaningless encounter to the next with one Asian beauty after another, looking for someone to make him feel the way Janie had. Looking for someone like her. Someone as beautiful and good and real.

  He shook his head again. He still didn't understand it. Why it was over. Why she had pushed him away. God, he loved her. He still loved her with everything inside of him, and he knew that was never going to change. Why didn't she love him back? What had happened to make her stop loving him back? What had he done?

  He got out of bed, trying to let it go as he jumped into the shower. Once he was dressed he opened up his door, propping it open for the day as was the band's custom. But instead of venturing out to see who else might be awake already, he sat down on the small couch in the sitting area of the suite and slouched back, staring out into space. He couldn't get her off of his mind, and he wondered if he would ever hear from her again. Would she call him like he asked her to? He ran his hand over his forehead and sighed as he looked up at the ceiling.

  “Man, whatever it is, it can't be that heavy, can it?”

  Buzzy jumped at the voice, sitting up slightly as he looked at Benji sitting in the chair across from him. He frowned as he looked at him. Where the hell had he come from?

  “I didn't mean to startle you, Buz,” he smiled. Then he returned his friend's frown and said, “Are you alright, man?”

  “I'm fine,” he mumbled.

  “Buzzy?” Benji questioned with a raised eyebrow. “Man, I've been sitting here for a good two or three minutes and you had no clue I'd even come into the room. You are not fine. You're obviously not yourself right now. So what's going on, brother? Does this have something to do with the girl from last night?”

  Buz said nothing as he shook his head. It was a gesture that he couldn't seem to stop doing this morning. He just couldn't figure any of it out. And he had no clue how to answer Benji's question. Where to begin.

  “Buz? Man, are you okay?
You look like you're in physical pain.”

  “I'm fine, Benji,” he repeated quietly. Only he knew it was a lie. He was not fine. And Benji was right … he was in pain. He licked his lips and said, “I'm just hungover.”

  Benji chuckled. “I've seen you hungover, man, and I've seen you completely fucked up. Right now, you're neither. But you are freaked out about something. What's going on, man?” He grew serious as he added, “Look, I won't say anything to the others if you don't want me to. But whatever it is, it might help to talk about it, you know?”

  Buzzy frowned once more, and he closed his eyes tightly, lowering his head as he took a deep breath. He looked up at Benji and slightly shook his head again. “I don't know where to start, man,” he said quietly.

  Benji shrugged his shoulders. “Start at the beginning.”

  Buz snorted softly at his words. The beginning. What was the beginning? How had it all started? Was there a time when Janie hadn't been the center of his world? He swallowed and took another deep breath as he looked down at his hands.

  “Her name is Janie Kim,” he said quietly. “We met when I moved back here with my mom, after my folks got divorced. We were both seniors in high school at the time. And I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. She was … she was everything to me. She was … my whole life; I lived and breathed her. I had never felt so into someone before. I mean, I'd had a lot of girlfriends by that point, you know? We traveled all over whenever my dad would get stationed somewhere new. And I've told you guys before … you know, I lost my virginity at fifteen. So, it wasn't like she was my first sexual experience or anything. But it was so …” He shook his head again as his mind searched for the words.

  “Intense?” Benji offered.

  “Yes! God, yes. It was intense and passionate and … fierce! I mean, I loved her so much. And I knew that she was it for me,” Buzzy said, looking up to meet his gaze. “I knew that she was the one, you know? We were inseparable that whole year. I could not get enough of her; the sex was insane. But it wasn't just the sex, you know? I mean, we would talk about … everything! It was like we had the same mind or … the same feelings or something.” He smiled slightly as he thought about the memories. “I would sneak out of the house each night after Mom went to bed, and go over to Janie's and climb through her bedroom window. We would go at it for hours and then fall asleep in each other's arms. Then I would sneak back out at dawn and make it home just before my mom would get up for work.”

  Benji smiled at his story. “So, what happened?”

  “I swear, I wish I knew,” Buz answered with a shake of his head. “She broke up with me … a few months after graduation. No warning, no explanation. She just … said we couldn't be together anymore.” He paused for a few moments as he relieved the scene in his mind. And his words were tinged with so much sorrow when he continued, saying, “I tried. Every single day for two solid weeks, I tried to get her to talk to me … to change her mind. To take me back. I tried to make her love me again, but …” His voice faltered as he sat shaking his head pitifully. And he felt like a fucking pussy when he felt the dampness at the corners of his eyes. Quickly wiping at his eyes, he sniffed, turning away from his friend. “I left town shortly after. I couldn't stand to be in the same town she was in but not be able to be with her, so … I went to Virginia to visit my dad. Ended up in Vegas for a short time. Then on to L.A. where I met you guys. Never looked back.”

  Benji was quiet for a moment as he studied him. Then he said, “Well, that's not entirely true, is it?” Buzzy frowned as he looked at him, wondering what he meant, and Benji gave him a sad smile. “You do look back. You look back a lot, don't you?”

  Buzzy stared at him for a beat and then nodded slowly. “Yeah. I suppose I do,” he said softly.

  Benji nodded. “That explains a lot,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  He smiled as he looked at Buz, then shrugged his shoulders. “Your preference for Asian women. Were you into Asian women before Ms. Kim?”

  Buzzy frowned at him. “No,” he said quietly, thinking about his revelation from earlier and wondering why he had never made the connection before. He was trying to replace her. For the last eight years of his life, with every satin doll he encountered, he was trying to replace the love of his life. Chasing down the one that got away. But it was an illusion. It was a game played with smoke and mirrors because they weren't really her. Janie was never really there. Until last night.

  “When you saw her last night … did you talk about things?” Benji asked, pulling Buz out of his head.

  “No, not really,” he mumbled. “I tried, but she wouldn't give me a chance. I practically begged her to come out with us. I gave her my number, but I doubt she'll ever use it. I've got a sinking feeling I may never see her again, man.”

  “So, flip the script,” Benji shrugged.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, she's right here in Cleveland, right?” he asked. “And we got nothing going on today. Why don't you go find her? Make her sit down and talk to you.”

  Buzzy said nothing as he thought about Benji's words. Could he do that? Just go find her? Would she talk to him if he came to her turf? It was worth a shot, wasn't it?

  “I mean, at the very least, it sounds like you could use some closure, man,” Benji said.

  Buz nodded his head. “Yeah. I think maybe you're right, man. I think maybe I will try to see her,” he said. And as he thought more about it, he realized that Benji was indeed right. He did need closure. He needed answers. He needed to tell her how he still felt, didn't he? Or maybe he just needed to know that she was happy. Maybe he could finally move on if he knew that she was truly happy now. Without him.

  “You need some backup?”

  Buzzy smiled at him. “No. I think I need to do this alone. But thanks for offering, man. And thanks for listening. It did help.”

  “Anytime brother,” he smiled as he stood up to leave. “Good luck, man,” he said as he slowly walked out of the room.

  Buz sat there for a few moments after Benji had gone, wondering again if this was a good idea or not. But the more he tried to talk himself out of it, the more the idea dug in. She was out there somewhere in the same city he was in! He had to see her again. He had to do this.

  He got up and grabbed his wallet and his cellphone, then he pulled on the Cleveland Brown's ball cap that he had taken from his cousin the night before, and headed out. And he knew that he should wake his bodyguard, Shawn, and drag him along, but he just didn't want to do that. He didn't want an audience for what might very well turn into the ultimate humiliation for him.

  He made his way down to the hotel lobby, grateful that he didn't run into their manager Mike in the process. Outside the hotel he hailed a cab and tried to breathe through the anxiety he was feeling as he got in.

  “Where to, sir?”

  Buzzy hesitated a moment at the question. He wasn't even really sure where to begin looking. Think Buz! Last night she had said that she was still in her mom's old house. That wasn't far at all from where they were at. A couple of miles at the most. He'd start there then. He had wanted to get a look at the old neighborhood anyway.

  “Um, Ohio City please.”

  The cabbie looked at him with a blank expression. “You got an address in Ohio City, pal?”

  Buz smiled, feeling a little foolish. “Yeah. 301 Whitman Avenue. But, uh … if you wouldn't mind driving around the neighborhood a little first. I used to live there and I haven't seen it in a few years.”

  “It's your money,” the cabbie replied with a shrug of his shoulders as he put the car into drive and took off.

  They drove past the Q arena where Jagged Ivory played the night before, and where they would play again tomorrow night, and turned onto Carnegie Avenue. And Buzzy sat back trying to breathe normally and calm his racing heart. He was so anxious about this. He wanted to see Janie again in the worst way. He wanted to sit and talk to her about
the past, about why she had ended things so abruptly. And as the cab crossed over the Cuyahoga River, Buz found himself hoping that she would talk to him this time and not run off the way she had last night.

  The quick drive to his old stomping grounds took less than ten minutes from downtown, and as they drove through the outskirts of Ohio City Buzzy could feel the memories stirring in his soul. He pictured Janie everywhere. Walking down the street past all the historic old houses as he held her hand. Sitting in the grass at the park reading a book as he lay beside her just watching her. He was so in love with her back then.

  The cabbie did as he requested and spent several minutes just driving around the neighborhood, and Buzzy asked him to slow down as they crept past the house where he had lived with his mom on Woodbine. It had been just the two of them at that point since Donald and Gregory were both in the Air Force by then. Seeing the place made him smile. He had some good times here. Mostly because of Janie.

  He sighed as they drove on, lost in thoughts of her. And when the car suddenly came to a stop and he looked up and realized that they were parked across the street from her place, his heart fell into his stomach.

  He stared out at the house from the backseat of the cab as his mind and his heart were suddenly flooded with so many memories. Swallowing hard, he studied the place. The house looked a lot smaller and a lot more run down than he had remembered it, but he smiled to himself as an image of climbing through her bedroom window flashed in his mind. He thought about getting out. He pictured himself walking up to the door and knocking. That was, after all, why he had come, wasn't it? But as much as he wanted to see her again and to talk to her, he just couldn't seem to make himself get out of the car. His body was frozen, as if paralyzed by … what? Fear? Yes, that was it. He was paralyzed by fear. Fear of humiliation. Fear of more rejection. What would he say if she actually answered the door? Why had he come here? What did he want?