The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set)

by Lashell Collins

  “Then what did you mean?” he repeated.

  “I just meant …” She paused as she tried to find the right words to explain herself to him. “It's just that … Robby, I feel like you are moving at warp speed, and I …” She paused again, shaking her head and trying not to cry. Why did he always overwhelm her? “You are like … a comet. A fantastic, beautiful, amazing comet that just streaks in and out of my life with such passion and force. And I'm always just hanging on for dear life and trying not to fall off.”

  Buz was silent for a moment as he stared at her. “That's funny. 'Cause the way I remember it, I was pushed from your life eight years ago; I didn't streak away. I never wanted to be apart from you,” he insisted, looking into her eyes. “That eight years apart was your doing, not mine! I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, Janie, and I never made a secret of that. And I have loved you every single day of those eight years that you wouldn't let me be with you. So, if you feel like I'm suddenly moving at warp speed maybe it's because I'm just afraid that you'll get a wild hair up your ass and push me away again!”

  His voice was quiet, but the words were harshly spoken and full of pain. And Janie had to quickly wipe the tears from her cheeks.

  “All I have ever wanted is just to love you. And to take care of you,” Buzzy continued sadly. “I just want to keep you safe … make you happy. And yes, pay your bills. And I don't understand why the thought of any of that upsets you.”

  “It upsets me because I don't want your money,” she said, trying to keep her voice down as she looked at him. “I don't need you to pay my bills for me, Robby.”

  “With all due respect, baby, that's bullshit,” he said, glancing Bobby's way once more as he spoke to Janie in a loud whisper. “You do need my help. Okay, I've seen your house, Janie. I've seen your car. Your ceilings have water stains where the roof has leaked in multiple places. Tell me … has that roof been fixed, or is the snow and ice going to come caving in on you and Bobby this winter, huh? The place needs new carpet, new windows. And that car of yours is a deathtrap! At the very least, it needs a whole new set of tires. You know what? Bobby is my son too, and I want him in a safer environment,” he hissed. “And I want him riding around in a safer car!”

  Janie stared at him in disbelief as he glared at her. And she didn't know what to say to him because he was right. Their roof did leak. Every time it rained. And the house itself needed a whole lot of work that she didn't have the time or the money to deal with. But something inside of her just wouldn't allow her to accept his help. It's not that she thought he was trying to impress her by throwing money at her. She knew that wasn't Robby's intention. She simply had an overdeveloped sense of pride standing in her way. And that thought suddenly made her angry.

  “Well, it may not be a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, but our house is comfortable and warm. And that car gets us where we need to go. We do okay, Robby! We don't need your money.”

  He shook his head as he listened to her, rolling his eyes as he watched Bobby for a moment. The child was still happily playing away on his new Nintendo game. The game Buz had lied about in order to give his son a gift without angering Janie. He shook his head once more as he softly snorted. He was done with this argument.

  “Janie, do you want me to take you to court to establish my paternal rights? Is that what I have to do here?” he asked quietly, looking her in the eye. He had just told Mike how hopeful he was that it wouldn't come to this. But he would use this route if he had to.

  “What? Why would you say that?”

  Her voice was panic-stricken, and Buzzy knew that he had her attention. “Well, if I get a court ordered paternity test and prove that Bobby is my son, then I'll be legally obligated to at least pay you child support. Whether you want it or not! So if you won't willingly let me help you, then I'll get a judge to take that decision out of your hands.”

  Janie could feel the lump forming in her throat as the panic continued to build. He was talking about courts and judges again, and she didn't like it. “Fine! I will … let you help somehow. Just … can we please not talk about going to court for any reason?”

  Buz stared at her for a moment, frowning as he realized that she was actually scared. He reached out and took her face in both his hands as he stared into her eyes. “Janie. Baby, I am not talking about going to court to try to take Bobby away from you. I would never do that,” he assured her as he held her gaze. “You are his mother, baby. He needs you. And I can't raise him alone,” he said, smiling at her. “But you shouldn't have to raise him alone either, Janie. Not when I'm here and I love you both so much! Not when I'm begging you to let me be an active part of my son's life. Not when I'm desperately hoping that you'll let me back into your life,” he whispered as his eyes bore into hers.

  Janie's heart melted at his words, they were so sweet and so innocently spoken. The warmth and sincerity in his eyes made her remember all the times when they were in high school when he would look at her and declare that he would love her forever. Back then she wasn't sure he meant what he was saying. She hoped it was true … but Janie had never been the type of girl who let herself get carried away on pretty daydreams. She couldn't. That's just not how she was wired. Janie was practical. Realistic. Sensible. She didn't get caught up in what-ifs and fantasy. It was part of the reason she had set her writing aside. Because part of her believed that some dreams weren't meant to be pursued, like her uncle had said. And some dreams were only for a special few. Those who were strong enough to endure it. She only wrote those stories for Bobby because it was something fun they could do together, and it had helped him with his reading.

  But she knew that Robby saw the world very differently. And she knew that was the reason she'd always felt so overwhelmed by him. Because he was all about the dreaming. All about the magic. Back then, he was always talking about dreaming big and living even bigger, and Janie had never met anyone like him. He completely swept her off her feet with all of his enthusiasm and his hunger. His determination to chase his dreams no matter what.

  But what Janie couldn't wrap her head around now was his insistence that his biggest dream had been her, not rock and roll. Back then, she had believed that if he'd stayed in Ohio with her he would never have been happy. He wasn't like her Uncle Hyo; he wasn't willing to settle for anything less than the life he dreamed of. And she believed that breaking up with him was the only way to ensure that he followed his dreams wherever the music wanted to lead him. But everything he'd been telling her for the past two days said otherwise, and Janie just wasn't sure what to think anymore. She had been wrong to keep Bobby's existence a secret from him. She knew that now. But had she been wrong to break up with him in the first place? If she hadn't, and they had stayed together, would he have continued to pursue his music? Would he be the successful rock star that his is today? Would they still be together and so in love?

  So many questions that she had zero answers for. The only thing she knew for certain right now was that she loved him. As much as she tried to fight it, she was still very much in love with him and she wanted to believe that he meant everything he was saying. Practicality and sensibility be damned. But she couldn't just let herself give in to him, could she? It wasn't like she could just leave her world behind and run off with him. She had Bobby to think about. What would any of this mean for him? Yes, Robby was his father and the two of them had bonded instantly. But Robby was a rock star, living a rock star's life. How would a rambunctious eight-year-old boy fit into that? Hell, Janie wasn't even sure how she would fit into that. But Robby was convincing in his instance that this is what he wanted.

  Janie sighed as she scooted closer to him, settling into his side as he tightened his arm around her. She laid her head on his shoulder and felt him lightly kiss the top of her head. Looking up at him, she smiled slightly as their eyes met. And he softly caressed her face as he returned her smile. His fingers traveled down her cheek to her chin, gently lifting her lips to his, and he kis
sed her sweetly. And then they got lost in each other for a while, making out like teenagers.

  “You guys kiss a lot,” Bobby said with a disapproving pout, and Janie and Buz laughed as they looked over at him.

  They arrived at the venue ahead of schedule, and Janie could feel herself tense up as they all climbed out of the vehicle. She was nervous about meeting Robby's bandmates. Of course, she was usually nervous about meeting all new people. She wasn't kidding before when she said that she was thankful Bobby hadn't inherited her shyness. He was always so confident when meeting new people and talking to others. So like his father in that way. She took a deep breath and tried to push the anxiety away as Robby took her by the hand and they were ushered into the Huntington Center stadium through a side door by his bodyguard, and traveled a maze of corridors and hallways.

  Inside the dressing room, the guys were kicking back waiting for showtime to arrive. They had held off on doing their usual pre-show soundcheck in the hopes that Buz would make it in enough time to do a proper run through before the opening act went on.

  “Hey, anyone heard from Buz yet today?” Benji asked, setting aside the graphic novel he'd been reading.

  “Not since this morning,” Otis spoke up. “Got a text from him saying that he'd just spent the greatest night of his life.”

  “I'm guessing that means he and Janie did some reconnecting?” Benji replied.

  “I'm guessing it means they got busy,” Otis smiled.

  “If you're talking about Buzzy, I got a call from him about two hours ago saying they had just gotten on the road. He should be here any time now,” Mike spoke up as he glanced at his watch.

  “Did I hear one of you taking my name in vain?” Buz said, smiling as he came through the door with Janie and Bobby in tow.

  “Hey, man!”

  “Nice of you to join us.”

  There were smiles and friendly barbs all around as the guys all stood up to greet him. And Buz could feel Janie's hand tighten slightly around his own. He gave her hand a reassuring little squeeze as he looked at Otis and Noah, saying, “Listen, I want to thank you two for giving me the time I needed. I appreciate it.”

  “It's no problem, brother,” Noah stated.

  “You had to do what you had to do, man,” Otis chimed in.

  “And Mike, thanks for not freaking out on me, and trusting me to get back on time,” Buz said, smiling at him.

  Mike laughed. “Well, I didn't trust you, and I was freaking out the entire time you were gone. I take it Shawn didn't tell you how many times I pestered him with calls and texts in the last twenty-four hours?”

  “No, he didn't, thank God,” Buz laughed. Then he looked down at Janie, letting go of her hand and wrapping his arm around her waist. He pulled her slightly to him as he said proudly, “But it was all worth it. I want you guys to meet my family.”

  Janie was momentarily speechless as she stared up at him, and she didn't know what was more endearing – the way the words “my family” just rolled off his tongue, or the pride in his voice as he said it. And she couldn't help smiling as the debate raged on in her head.

  “This beautiful creature is Janie Kim. The love of my life,” he smiled as he looked at her. Then he placed his free hand on the shoulder of the young boy standing in front of him. “And this is our son. Bobby.”

  It was a strange feeling for Buz, almost surreal in a way, introducing his brand new family to his existing one. But something about it gave him immense joy. He took great pleasure in introducing Bobby to his new uncles, and he smiled as he watched everyone welcome Janie and Bobby with open arms.

  After all the introductions were over and the small talk exhausted, Noah pulled the guys together for a quick soundcheck, and Buz held tightly to Janie's hand as they ventured out to the stage.

  Janie had known, of course, that Bobby would have a ball getting to watch all the ins and outs of things as the group prepared for the evening's show. But she hadn't expected to enjoy the process so much herself. She watched in utter fascination as Jagged Ivory performed a flawless but hurried soundcheck as their manager's daughter took pictures with a very professional looking camera. And she watched closely as the technicians went about their jobs, seeing to the specialized, high-tech aspects of putting on a concert this size. It was all incredibly interesting to watch.

  Robby allowed their son to stand behind the amps, right beside the drum riser with his tech during the soundcheck, and Janie couldn't stop smiling as she watched Bobby's obvious excitement. The child was clearly enthralled with the whole scene and Janie wasn't certain which one of them looked like they were having more fun.

  She couldn't get over how attentive Robby was being to the two of them while he was busy dealing with all of his band obligations. But he kept them both close at all times, never failing to make sure that they stayed with him as the band moved from the stage through the confusing maze of corridors backstage and finally to the dressing room and then on to the Green Room. She and Bobby stood by quietly and watched as the group was interviewed by a popular Internet station that would be live streaming tonight's concert on their website. And later, when the show finally got underway, they stood in the wings just off the stage and watched the entire thing.

  It was so amazing for Janie to watch the show from this vantage point. She had never had such a jaw-dropping, entertaining experience before and she was blown away. She had thought the concert she went to a few days ago had been amazing, but this was unbelievable! Being this close to the action was exhilarating for her.

  “You having a good time?” Mercy asked, looking at Bobby.

  “Yeah! This is great,” the boy exclaimed over the roar of the crowd. “My dad's a great drummer, huh?”

  “Oh, you know it! Your daddy is one of the best drummers in rock right now,” Mercy agreed, and Bobby nodded enthusiastically. She smiled at him and then looked at Janie as the band began the next song. “What about you? Having a good time?”

  “I'm having a fantastic time,” Janie told her.

  “Well, I have been with this tour for several months now and I have to tell you that I've never seen Buzzy this happy before,” Mercy said. “He's practically giddy that you two are here.”

  Janie smiled shyly at her comment. She knew from listening to Robby talk about his bandmates that this woman was his manager's daughter and that she and Noah had fallen in love and were living together. And she also knew that Robby thought a lot of her. He said that she was a sweet girl and that she had become everyone's confidante. And Janie suddenly found herself wondering if she could ask her a few questions.

  “Your name is Mercy, right?”

  “Yes. Mercy Holland,” she replied, smiling at her.

  “That's a lovely name,” she told her.

  “Oh, thank you.”

  “Can I ask you a question, Mercy?” she asked, taking a few steps away from Bobby so that they could speak in private.

  “Sure.”

  Janie hesitated for a moment and smiled nervously. “I feel sort of foolish asking you this,” she admitted, and Mercy smiled at her again.

  “Janie, you don't have to feel foolish, or awkward,” Mercy stated with a shrug of her shoulders. “If you want to ask me something about Buzzy … it's okay.”

  Janie glanced back at Bobby. He was dancing as he watched the action out on the stage, and she smiled. Turning back to Mercy, she asked, “Can you tell me what Robby's like? On the road, I mean. Is he … um. I mean, does he … have … um.”

  “Janie, are you asking me about Buzzy's … sexual exploits on the road?” Mercy asked, glancing over at Bobby.

  Janie could feel herself flush slightly, and she looked awkwardly down at the floor for a moment before meeting Mercy's gaze. “No. That's not what I'm asking exactly. I'm not naïve, Mercy,” Janie said. “I realize that Robby is a rock star, and that he's been living a rock star's lifestyle with sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I get it. I do. But I'm …”

  She paused for a mome
nt and took a deep breath as she looked out at the stage and watched him. He looked so happy and so in his element as he twirled one drumstick in his fingers like a baton before pounding away again. She looked back at Mercy, biting her bottom lip anxiously.

  “Is he happy with his lifestyle, Mercy? The women … the partying. Is he happy with that?” Janie asked. She didn't expect this woman to understand why she was asking. In fact, she suspected that Mercy would probably think she was being ridiculous. But she didn't care. She had to know. She had to know where she and Bobby fit into his life, or if they fit into it at all. Maybe they would just be in the way?

  Mercy smiled at her with a sympathetic expression on her pretty face. “Truthfully?” she asked, holding her gaze, and Janie nodded her head. “I can't speak to whether or not he's happy. But if the question is whether or not he's fulfilled … well then I'd have to say the answer is no,” she said looking Janie in the eye. “Buzzy has had his fair share of groupies and overeager fans. Like all the guys he certainly is not lacking for willing, female companionship if he wants it. But, from what I've seen, the girls he encounters on the road are just … sex. Just something to break up the boredom of being on the road, you know? And according to Noah and Otis, when they're not touring, Buzzy doesn't really seek out companionship. He doesn't date much. Otis says there hasn't been anyone remotely close to an actual girlfriend in his life, not for the entire time they've known him. And the only girl I've ever heard him talk about in any kind of real way has been you.”

  “Me?” Janie asked, sounding surprised.

  Mercy nodded. “Yep. One night after a show in Europe, he and Otis and I were sitting around talking, and I heard mention of a girl who broke his heart. The one that got away,” she said with a small smile as she looked at Janie. “A girl he was still hopelessly in love with. And from everything I've heard him say about you in the last two days, I have no doubt in my mind that they were talking about you that night.”