I guess everyone has their own demons to fight off.
I decide to just head home. My head is a bit more clear, even though the shake of my hands has not completely seized, I feel a bit better. Putting the volume up on my phone, I miss the days by NF starts to play. I start to sing to it.
The one that told me I was worth somethin' when I'm off track
Back when my imagination wasn't in a cage and it was free to run fast
Yeah, give me my mind back
Yeah, give me my, give me my mind back
Before it was hijacked and wasn't described as
A place of limitation, always indicating I can't
Handle everything from my past
Handed anything it dissects 'til I'm depressed
I know I'm blessed, but I'm cursed too
Take me back when I was happy, but I wasn't actin'
Vulnerable but didn't see it like some kind of weakness
Or a thing that's unattractive
Had emotion, but I learned to mask it
It starts to rain, and I just run faster. Pushing my self faster. I make it back in fifty minutes, I head into the apartment and go to the bathroom to get my wet clothes off. I shower again, when I get out, I apply my usual makeup, and don’t give a second glance at my appearance. I go and grab my swimsuit, put it on then head to my closet and get a pair black ripped jean and put them on. I shove a shirt into my school bag, along with a pair of legging and a loose shirt for my self defense class. I head over to the kitchen and make myself a coffee and some Eggo blueberry waffles. When is done I go by the window seat down on the floor and look at how the rain falls. When I finish eating I grab another cup of coffee to go and leave. I blast my music in my car then speed off to another day of pretending.
Thirty minutes later and I am pulling up to the parking lot. There are almost no cars in the parking lot. ‘Good’ I thought to myself. I drink my last drop of coffee and head inside. The pool is empty when I get there so I go to the locker rooms and changed. I put my things inside a locker locked it up with a combination lock. I get out of the pool and see the teacher walking through the doors.
“Ms. Amos you are early.”
“Yea, got here earlier then expected. Do you mind if I do some laps around the pool before we start?”
“Go ahead.” He walks past me and goes to his office. I go to one of the jump platforms and stretch my arms a bit. I get into my stance, and jump in. It has been so long since I been in the water that I led the feeling consume me. I start to swim across the pool, when I get to the other end I flip and kick off to the other side. When I competed, people use to say I had the fastest flip kick they had seen, that if I kept going, I could compete in the Olympics and maybe even break Michael Phelps 200m record. But I stopped swimming. I stopped doing everything I love because, in all honesty, I didn’t know if I ever did love it, or I had only done it because my parents wanted me to.
Now that I am back in the water, I realize it was both.
When I get to the other side, I see the teacher standing by my stand with a stop watch in his hands.
“Your fast. And your technique is great, pre-season starts next week on Thursday, if you’re interested you have a place in the team.” I smile up at him.
“I’ll think about it.” He nods and smiles.
“You have swum competitively before right. What school did you do to?”
“I went to a school in California. I been swimming since I was in diaper. My parents are into the whole teaching babies how to swim thing so yea.” The door to the pool opens and in walk some students.
“That’s great, they have really good swimming teams up there.” I nod
“Yea they do, anyways I am going to do another lap before class starts.” He nods and I get out of the water, repeat the process of jumping and heading from side to side. When I resurface, I see Ethan waiting on the side for me.
“You have to join the team.” He helps me up and I sit by the pool side.
“Yea the coach already told me.” I shrug, “I don’t know, I have to think about it.” I missed the sport; I missed the epinephrine I would get from it. I miss being lost in the sport. But I do not know if I am ready to go back. I do not know If I am ready for the feeling I will get after, when no one is there waiting for me. I shake my head and look up at Ethan.
“How about we race for it. if I beat you, then you must join. If I do not win, then it’s your choice.” I think about it. I have never seen Ethan compete. I do not know what his record is. Do I really want to take the risk?
The coach comes up behind us and says, “I think that’s a great idea, why don’t we start?” I look at him then at Ethan.
“First tell me, what your record is.” He smirks
“Ok, for the 100 meter I have a 1:05.” I smile.
“Okay deal.” My was 59:05” and that was on a bad day. I couldn’t be off by so much. We both get up and walk to the stands. A couple of people crow around the pool and start cheering on Ethan.
“Take your marks. GO!” I dive into the pool and just focus on swimming. Couple of second later I flip and turn, and I am heading back, Ethan is just behind me, I push my self to go faster, giving it my all. If I was going to join the swimming team, it was going to be on my on terms. A couple of seconds later and I am back up to the surface. “1.01 coach says.” I smile, I guess I still have it, even though I didn’t break my record. Ethan surfaces and looks back at me, then at coach. ‘1:06, we need to get you back into form Mr. Miller but good job none the less.” We get out of the pool head to the bleachers where the others are.
‘Holy shit that was intense.” Monica said jumping down from the bleachers and hugging me, then hugging Ethan.
“Yea, man you really need to join our team.”
“You were going so fast and that flip and turn! Girl you looked like a finish!” I chuckled and shake my head.
“It wasn’t that good, I’m out of practice.” I am thinking of joining. “If I do decide to join, I have to talk to Elia. And work around my work schedule and all that.” Monica started to jump.
“Yes, she is joining!” She high fives Ethan.
“I said I might join, not that I am going to.” She squeals anyways.
Luke was looking at me but had not said anything. Good I do not want to talk to him either. The coach told us to get into the pool and separated the student based on swimming levels.
After that class, nothing eventful happens. I steer clear of Luke and he does of me. The only time we talk is when we have to act out the Romeo and Juliet scene, other than that we don’t outer words to each other. When school ends, I go home. As I was parking, I see Elia in the coffee shop, I go over to it and see that she is crying.
“Hey what’s wrong, are you okay?” I go towards her and put my hands around her shoulder. She shakes.
“No, we figured out what was wrong with the oven, one is broken, and the other one is about to be broken. The gas line needs to be fixed because of some new codes, then when the gas guy was looking at the gas he noticed a cable and he said I should call the electrician and I did, then he told me that we have to change the whole electrical connection on the first floor and maybe the second.” She sobs and I hug her. “We don’t have money for all that. And I know the bank won’t give us a loan. I just don’t know what to do.” I hug her tighter and think.
“Come with me.” I grab her hand and guide her to one of the near by chairs. We sit down and I start talking. “How much do you need?” She looks at me,
“A lot, around $10,000. That’s if we don’t need to change the electrical wiring upstairs.” I nod.
“Okay, you don’t want to take investors?” She shakes her head no. “Ok, how about this, ill let you borrow the money and then you can pay me back slowly.
“How are you going to give me the money? Your only 18 where can you-“
“Have you seen the car I drive? I have an inheritance.” She looks at me wide eye.
�
�An inheritance? Then why are you working?” I laugh.
“Well I like to earn my own money. My grandpa left me everything when he passed. I only use that money for emergencies, or special occasions, or when I need it.”
“Oh. I can’t let you do that. It doesn’t feel right.”
I nod my head. “Okay, then let me be your partner. We will split the earnings and that is it.” She looks at me then down at her hands.
“I’ll have to talk it over with Theodore.” I nod
“The offer is available to you, and if need to tweak the terms we will. I just want to help.”
“Thank you.”
I smile and give her one last hug.
Chapter 12
September 7
Its been a couple of days since the conversation that took place between my parents and me. A couple of days since I gave Elia the proposition to be her partner.
The same nightmare keeps repeating. When I think I am finally awake, the parallelization comes. The only difference from the first night, is that the person suffocating me changes. I haven’t really gotten much sleep in the last couple of days. I have also lost weight, the circle under my eyes are more prominent, my cheeks have sunken in, now every time I pretend to smile, my dimples appear more.
On my last period of the day, I have successfully avoid talking to Luke all week, him and Makenzie seem more lovable than ever, I guess they fixed their lover quarrels.
“Alright class, today we are finally going to some partners work. I am going to assigned you a partner and you will practice the movements we did this week.” She stars to call peoples name out; I wait for my name to be called. My mind decided to wonder around. Next thing I know someone is standing next to me. I look up and well just my luck.
“Hey.” I stay silent and just greet him with my head. He rolls his eyes and focuses back to the teacher. She starts talking again but I just tune her out. I been doing that a lot lately. A couple minutes later and Luke is nudging my shoulder. I look around and see everyone in the stance we learned this week. I copy it and look back up at Luke.
“Ready?” I nod and we start, first position starts with me being in the floor, Luke goes on top and starts to fake choke me, I hit the inside of his elbow, his hands get off my neck and I use his distraction to flip us. I have to use a lot of force because he is huge and full of muscle. When we flip, I try to get up and run but my eyes get spotty. The imagine of my mother suffocating me comes to mind and I get off Luke. A couple of seconds later I am hitting the floor, I tried to keep my eyes open, but I can’t.
“Leah! Help Leah!”
I reach for him,
He goes under.
“No!” I go under too, I do not see him anywhere, I look around, but I cannot find him. I look around but suddenly I get pull down, when I look down I see Noah pulling me down. I swim towards him, I try to grab him to pull him back up the surface but when I grab him he puts his hands on my neck.
“You did this! It should have been you!”
“Noah!” I wake up screaming. A woman walks in, she looks like nurse. I look around and see I am in a hospital room.
“Where am I?” My voice comes out raspy. She smiles.
“You’re in Memorial Hospital, you passed out in school so they brough you here.” She walks to my side and checks my IV bag, “I need you to answer a couple of questions for me okay.” I nod. “What’s your name?”
“Leah.”
“Your last name?”
“Amos.”
“Where do you live?”
“New Hope Pennsylvania.”
“Okay, you seemed to know where you are, which is good. I called your parents they will be here shortly as well as your doctor.”
“My parents?” She smiles and walks out of the room. I start to freak out, my parents are hours away, unless I been asleep for a while. No, they would not come. Suddenly the door opens and in walks Elia and Theodore.
“Thank the lord you are okay.” She rushes towards me and hugs me I hug her back. When she lets me go the doctor walks in.
“Ms. Amos, I’m doctor Gray, how are you feeling?”
“Okay, just confuse, if I just pass out why do I have an IV on?”
“You passed out from dehydration, and malnourished.” My face pales. I knew I was losing weight, but I didn’t think it was that bad. “When was the last time you ate?” I think back.
‘Umm, yesterday.” I lie, I could not remember. He looks skeptical.
“Right, I am keeping you here over night, get some fluid and some food in you.”
“I am fine, I don’t need to stay the night.” I hate hospitals and I refuse to stay.
“Ms. Amos, is crucial that you stay, if you pass out again and no one is around you can hit your head on the fall and have an accident.”
“No, I will be fine. I’ll eat if you want me too, but I am not staying here.” He sights.
“Very well, I can’t make you stay, but before you leave you have to eat food.” I nod. “You have some friends here to see you, is okay to let them in.”
“Yea sure.” The doctor leaves, Elia walks to my side.
“Why haven’t you been eating?” I look up at her
“I most have forgotten to eat this morning; I been preoccupied with school.” She nods, she smiles sadly, knowing that I did not tell her the truth.
“Well-” Before she can answer her phone rings. “Give me a second I have to take this.” She goes and answer her phone.
“I can’t, I am doing something right now.” She huffs out “Alright, I’ll be there.” She turns around pissed. “The babysitter can’t make it, and Kelvin got called into work.” She looks at Theodore while saying it.
“Elia go. I’ll tell my friends to give me a ride home later.” She looks hesitant.
“Okay, when you get home call me. I will take you some food.”
“Thank you.” Thank you for being here for me. Is what I want to say but I hold it back. She comes to my side and hugs me; I am surprise when Theodore joins on the other side. I let them hug me. It’s been a while. They bid their goodbyes and as soon as they are out the door, Ethan, Monica, and Luke walk in. Monica runs up to me and gives me a hug.
“I was so worry about you, I was about to beat up Luke because I thought he had squished your neck too hard and-” I burst out laughing.
“He wo-” I get cut off when the nurse walks in with a tray of food. I look at it then back at the nurse, I fake a smile and she set it up in the table.
“Remember the deal.” I nod and she lives the room. I look at my plate, soup, crackers, a gelatin cup, and an orange juice. I grab the orange juice and drink it all. Then I look at everything else.
“What’s wrong?” Monica asks as she looks at the food.
“I um don’t like soup.” It reminds me of vomit, the smell and the texture just mess me up.
“You have to eat. Your doctor told us that in order for you to go home you had to eat.”
“I’ll eat the crackers and the pudding but the soup- “ Luke grabs the soup and goes to the bathroom and pours it down the toilet.
“Finish eating the rest, as soon as we are out of here I’ll order pizza.” I nod and eat the other things.
“So where are your parents?” Monica seats at one of the chairs.
“Not coming.” I swallow another cracker and fold the wrapping up.
“okay, um but why? Are they d-“
“They are alive, just not part of my life.” She nods and looks around uncomfortable. Before anyone can say anything else the doctor comes back.
“Hey guys, Ms. Amos how are we doing? Oh, wow your almost done with your food, good.” He smiles, Monica holds in a laugh and Ethan touches his neck uncomfortably.
“Dad, can you release her? Were going to get pizza on the way to her place.”
“Yea, that’s good.” He looks back at me, “Do you need anything? How are you feeling?”
“I feel fine, can you take this out?” I hold my arm
up, he nods and comes to my side. He starts taking my needle out when Luke winces. I look up at him.
“You don’t like needles?” He shakes his head and turns around. A bit of blood comes out from where the needle was and Dr. Grey puts a piece of gauze on top of it then tape.
“Ms. Amos, I need you to promise me you will start eating more.” He looks me in the eyes waiting for an answer, his eyes are like Luke’s, but Luke’s are lighter. I nod, “I’m going to get the paperwork started. I’ll be right back.” He heads to the door, before he leaves, he whispers something to Luke and he nods.
When he leaves, I stand up from the bed and start looking for my clothes. I find It in a chair inside a bag and grab my pants, I put them under my hospital robe, when I am finish, I take the robe out and start to put my shirt on. When I turn around to sit down to put my shoes up, both Ethan and Luke are looking at me. I do not know whose stare is more powerful. I do not know who wants me more. I sit and put my shoes on, when I finish, I look around for my phone.
“Have you guys seen my phone?”
“I have it.” Luke says.
“Well can I have it?” He looks at Monica and Ethan, and sights, he hands me the phone.
“Leah, don’t look at it right now.” I look at him and then at my phone. I have a missed called and a text message. I open it up and read it.
I hope you die; I hope you don’t make it. Just like he did not. if you do end up fine. I want you to take our information out of the system. We are not your family anymore.
The message kept going on, but I stop reading. Is not the first time they have said this to me. I erase it and look up to see Luke and Ethan looking at me, Monica had her head down, she looked like she was going to cry.
“Guys is fine.” Monica looks back up and starts to cry. I head over to her and hug her. “It’s okay, it doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t affect me.” I swallow, trying to make the words I say become true. She cries harder. I just hug her.
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