The House

by Eugene Field

  XV

  THE QUESTION OF INSURANCE

  My neighbor, Mr. Teddy, called on me one morning as I sat under awillow tree watching the tinner at work on the roof and wonderingwhether it was really as nice and warm on a tin roof under anunobscured sun as it seemed to be.

  "Do you know," said Mr. Teddy, cordially, "this is the first time Ihave ever visited this place. Frequently in my walks of an evening Ihave passed here, and, in common with others, I have admired thegraceful slope of the lawn, the stately dignity of the trees, and thebright colors of the flowers that here and there dot the verdantexpanse. Surely in the possession of this charming estate you are, mydear friend, one of the most fortunate of mortals. Your life amidthese picturesque environments, in this sequestered spot, far from thedin and turmoil of the urban throng, will be in every respect ideal--adream, sir, a poetic dream."

  You will perhaps understand by this time that I regard Mr. Teddy as anexceptionally worthy and pleasant gentleman.

  "And," continued Mr. Teddy, "it would be cruel if your studiousresearches in this academic grove were by any chance to be interruptedby any harassing business care. The serpent of worldly solicitude,sir, should never be suffered to enter this veritable Eden."

  "You are right, my good friend and neighbor," said I, "but how can Iprevent the intrusion of care, since, alas! I am merely human?"

  "It behooves you to make provision against every contingency," answeredMr. Teddy. "Do I understand that you carry insurance upon thisresidence?"

  "Insurance? Why, no, I think not," said I. "Insurance is a matter Inever thought of."

  "Is it possible," cried Mr. Teddy, "that you have neglected to provideagainst that serious loss which would accrue if a careless workman wereto drop a lighted match in yonder pile of shavings? Think for onemoment, sir, of the ruin that would confront you if this magnificentbut uninsured architectural pile were to be swept away by the pale handof the remorseless fire fiend! I beg of you to provide yourself withthe means of redress ere you are overtaken by the bitter pill ofadversity. Mr. Baker, your beautiful home should be insured at once!"

  It then occurred to me for the first time that neighbor Teddy was thegeneral western agent of the Royal Liliuokalani Fire, Marine andAccident Insurance Company of Hawaii. I have often wondered why a manwhen he embarks in the insurance business invariably attaches himselfto a concern located in some far distant clime, and now that I amthinking of it, I will add that I have often wondered why the efficacyof patent medicines is so often testified to by the affidavits ofpeople with strange names who reside in queer streets in obscurehamlets hundreds of miles distant from the place of publication.

  "It would be wise of you," said Mr. Teddy, "to let me write you out apolicy immediately. It is always prudent to take time by the forelock.Our rates are low, and, as you doubtless are aware, our company is themost prosperous in the world. We were awarded a medal at the World'sFair.

  "I know absolutely nothing about these things," said I, candidly, "butI suppose we ought to have the place insured. I should be glad to haveyou drop around some evening and talk the matter over with Alice andme."

  To this suggestion Mr. Teddy took very kindly and he promised to callvery soon. As he retired down the gravel walk Colonel Bobbett Dollercame up the same. The two gentlemen saluted each other very coldly.

  "Colonel Doller is coming to talk to me about that twenty-five footstrip of land," says I to myself; but I was in error.

  "Ah, good morning, neighbor Baker, good morning!" cried Colonel Doller,cheerily. "Beautiful weather we 're having--too dry, though, much toodry! All nature is parched. We need rain badly; otherwise the mostlamentable consequences will follow. I dare say you have noticed bythe paper how alarmingly prevalent conflagrations have become?"

  "Have they?" I asked, in genuine surprise.

  "Shockingly so," answered Colonel Doller. "The record is simplyappalling. If this thing continues a lot of the little mushroominsurance companies will fail; it 's an ill wind that blows nobodygood. The public will presently awaken to a realization of the dangerof patronizing the irresponsible concerns which are trying to dobusiness under the shadow of the old and reliable companies."

  "Do you really think there will be a panic?" I asked.

  "Among the small fry, yes," answered Colonel Doller; "but nothing shortof a universal cataclysm will feaze to the slightest degree theVesuvius Assurance Company (limited) of Piddleton, England, the oldestand staunchest insurance company in the world, of which I am, asperhaps you know, the general manager for the western hemisphere."

  "We--and when I say we," continued Colonel Doller, "I mean theVesuvius--we have a cash capital of eighteen million pounds, and areserve fund of twelve million five hundred and sixty-eight thousandtwo hundred pounds, three shillings, and six pence. Our losses lastyear were six million three hundred thousand pounds in round numbers,and our premiums were eight million five hundred and sixty-threethousand two hundred and sixty-five pounds and eighteen pence. So youcan see for yourself (for figures do not lie) that the Vesuvius is assolid as the everlasting hills."

  "The Royal Liliuokalani is a pretty good company, is n't it?" says I.

  "The Royal Liliuokalani?" repeated Colonel Doller. "The RoyalLiliuokalani? Let me see--I don't know that I ever heard of it. It'sa Milwaukee concern, is n't it?"

  "No," said I, "my understanding is that it is a Hawaiian enterprise."

  "Possibly so--very likely it is," said Colonel Doller, indifferently."There are so many of these little schemes springing up nowadays that Ido not pretend to keep track of them. If, however, you should at anytime contemplate insuring you will, of course, come to the Vesuvius."

  I repeated to Colonel Doller what I had told Mr. Teddy about thefeasibility of consulting Alice. Colonel Doller replied that while theVesuvius was entirely too big and too conservative a company ever toskirmish for business, he would, purely out of regard for his longfriendship for me, call that evening to have a business talk with Aliceand me.

  Later in the day I had a visit from Frederick Jeems, another neighborengaged in the profession of fire insurance. He began his attackadroitly by complimenting my new house and by regretting that I wasshingling the roof.

  "But so long as you 're insured," said he, carelessly, "I don't knowthat it makes any difference whether you use shingles or slate."

  I confessed that I had not taken out any insurance, and this gave himthe desired opportunity to bring up his batteries of eloquence, ofargument, of statistics, and of figures. Before he was done he hadoverwhelmed the Royal Liliuokalani of Hawaii and the Vesuvius ofPiddleton with a genuine avalanche of scorn and derision, and had quiteconvinced me that the only solvent and secure insurance concern in theworld was the Deutsche Kaiser of Bomberg-am-Rhine. In an inspiredmoment I bade Mr. Jeems come round that very evening to present hisfacts and figures to Alice, and I laughed slyly to myself as I picturedthe meeting between himself, Mr. Teddy, and Colonel Doller. This maystrike you as having been malicious, but I claim that under thecircumstances I was warranted in planning this practical joke.

  Having disposed of these three gentlemen, I flattered myself that I wastemporarily done with the vexatious details of insurance, and I wasgetting ready to bank up one of the flowerbeds with black dirt when whoshould come along but another neighbor, and a very charming one,too--Angus Cameron Macleod? For two years we have been more or lessintimate. Macleod combines many strangely diverse accomplishments. Heexecutes the sword dance with singular grace, and he recites RobertBurns' poems and passages from "Marmion" by the yard, and withinspiring animation. Although I am in no sense a music critic, noreven a connoisseur, I will confess that I have often been actuallytransported with delight by neighbor Macleod's rendition of "TheCampbells Are Coming" on the bagpipes. At the same time he is askilful rhetorician and severe logician, as all who have heard hisdefence of Presbyterianism will testify, and I will concede that Inever heard anything more absorbingly fascinating than his
expositionof the honest and ennobling old doctrine of infant damnation. If youknew Macleod you 'd agree with me that he is a man of parts.

  "Now that your house is pretty nearly done," said Macleod, "you oughtto take out some insurance in our company, the Bonny Thistle Marine ofInverness."

  "But gracious me!" I cried in astonishment. "Why should I take out anymarine insurance on a _house_?"

  "For the very best reason in the world," answered Mr. Macleod. "Yourhouse stands within two hundred yards of one of the fiercest inlandseas of the world. Even now you can hear the tempestuous billowsdashing wildly upon yonder treacherous sands, and you can see the surfmadly reaching out as if to overwhelm this fair spot with its fatalfury. At any time a tidal wave is likely to sweep in from the frowningshores of Michigan. Fancy for one moment what would become of thisbeautiful but delicate fabric if that mighty lake were to burst itsconfines and surge in one vast wall in this direction! Has not theimmortal Scott truly said:

  "Against the wrath of nature how vain the works of man?

  "My dear Baker, you certainly are too sensible a man to be blind to thesecurity which is held out to you in this supreme moment of peril bythe Bonny Thistle Marine of Inverness."

  I admit that I knew not what to say. I had never before suspected anyof these dangers which, according to my friends, now seemed imminent.On the one hand our cherished new house was threatened by fire; on theother hand that same dear edifice seemed to be doomed to a waterygrave. Under these conflicting threatenings what was an inexperiencedman to do? Heaven be praised, my presence of mind did not desert me.I referred Mr. Macleod to Alice, as I had referred the others. It washer house, and she would have to be responsible for it against thedevouring elements.

  That night I dreamed that the awful suggestions of Messrs. Teddy,Jeems, Doller, and Macleod had been realized. I dreamed that the newhouse was confronted upon one side by a wall of flame, and upon theother by a wall of water. Destruction and death seemed imminent. Idreamed that, trusting rather the mercy of the waves than the ferocityof the flames, I leaped into the billows and struggled like a Titanwith them. I awoke, screaming with affright.