Mohanaswamy

by Vasudhendra

  A bird shrieked hoarsely in a tamarind tree above, adding to Mohanaswamy’s feeling of unease.

  ‘I am in trouble, Mohana. I had taken some money as loan from someone. They have started pestering me to return it. I have already given them all the money that my father had given me to pay fees. Now I am broke. If you give me five hundred rupees, I will pay my college fees and somehow complete my degree this year. Then, like you, I will to take up a job. I know I am very bad in studies, but I still need to make a living. If I am unemployed, no girl will be willing to marry me,’ Kashiveera said, pinching Mohanaswamy’s thigh.

  ‘I don’t have so much money right now,’ Mohanaswamy said honestly, rubbing his burning thigh.

  ‘No problem. Give me whatever you have now. The remaining amount you can withdraw from the bank tomorrow and give.’

  Mohanaswamy extracted his wallet from his pocket and counted the notes – there were three hundred-rupee notes, one fifty-rupee note, two ten-rupee notes and a two-rupee coin. ‘I have only this much,’ he said.

  ‘No problem. You can give me the remaining amount tomorrow,’ Kashiveera said, grabbing the money.

  ‘I have to leave now,’ pleaded Mohanaswamy.

  ‘Okay, okay, go, your mother will be waiting for you,’ Kashiveera said, patted his cheeks and saw him off.

  When Mohanaswamy had walked a couple of yards, he heard the sound of a woman laughing. The sound was coming from behind the temple. Suspicious, he tiptoed towards the tamarind grove and hid behind the temple wall to see what was happening on the other side. To his surprise, he saw Kashiveera playfully dangling a hundred-rupee note in front of a woman. She was jumping high to catch it, giggling incessantly. Finally, when she managed to snatch the note from him, Kashiveera grabbed her by her waist and pulled her closer. The tamarind grove resonated with the peals of their laughter.

  Mohanaswamy couldn’t stand there any longer. He felt uneasy thinking that the woman must have come along with Kashiveera much earlier and overheard their conversation. He ran towards his house, his heart pounding with anxiety.

  Kashiveera’s thirst for money seemed insatiable. It wouldn’t stop at five hundred rupees. He started nagging Mohanaswamy every now and then for cash. Mohanaswamy did not have the guts to tell him off. He was too afraid. He stopped going to his hometown, spending even Deepavali holidays in Bengaluru. ‘I’m bogged down with work in office. What can I do?’ he yelled at his parents when they questioned him.

  But Kashiveera wasn’t one who would let him get away so easily. He went to Bengaluru and knocked on his door.

  ‘I had gone to your house yesterday. Aunty gave me your address and asked me to see you. She wept a lot, saying that you haven’t come home for a long time. You shouldn’t cause such grief to your parents, Mohana, it’s bad,’ he admonished him and managed to wheedle another thousand rupees out of him.

  Before leaving, he said, ‘You have been giving me so much money, Mohana. I feel this is an unequal exchange. If you want, you can touch me once. I won’t mind staying back for an hour.’

  Mohanaswamy’s blood started boiling. ‘You brute … Go, go from here, get lost!’ he opened the door and shoved him out. Kashiveera stepped out, laughing and Mohanaswamy banged the door shut behind him.

  He thought of changing his residence. But Kashiveera would surely find him there as well, gathering the new address from his parents. So there was no point.

  One morning, when he went to office, he was stunned to see Kashiveera there, sitting and chatting with his colleagues. He seemed to have got in their good books with his charm. ‘Mohana, your friend is so smart and dynamic!’ one of them said, impressed with Kashiveera.

  Mohanaswamy took Kashiveera to a nearby restaurant, deciding not to have any conversation in the office. He ordered two cups of coffee. But Kashiveera called the bearer again and asked him to give him a masala dosa first. Then he drew out something from his pocket and held it towards Mohanaswamy. ‘Take this … This is laddu from Tirupati. I had gone there for the darshan of the deity and got some prasad for you too. Have some, Mohana. Everything will be fine,’ he said. But Mohanaswamy refused to accept the packet. ‘Ayyoo … you can take out your anger on me, but why on Tirupati Thimmappa? What has he done to you? You will land in unnecessary trouble, take it,’ he said forcing the packet into his hands.

  As Mohanaswamy reluctantly accepted the laddu and began eating it, his eyes fell on the paper in which it was wrapped. It was a photocopy of the letter he had written to Kashiveera. Filled with horror and anguish, he tore the letter into pieces.

  ‘The Lord of Tirupati is very greedy for money. He snatched away all that you had given me. Now I have no money left even to buy a cup of coffee. Give me one thousand rupees,’ Kashiveera said, flashing a smile.

  ‘I don’t have so much cash. I also have to send some money home,’ Mohanaswamy said in disgust.

  ‘How can you say that, Mohana? You have such good friends at office. You can borrow from one of them. I’m sure they won’t say no to you,’ Kashiveera said. Mohanaswamy took out a thousand-rupee note from his pocket, gave it to him and walked out of the restaurant without saying a word, without even waiting for his coffee. He couldn’t concentrate on his work all day. Kashiveera’s attractive body, which once turned on his imagination, had now turned nightmarish, haunting him day and night. He dreaded that Kashiveera may suddenly appear before him, anytime, anywhere, asking for money. The sweetness and fondness he had once nurtured for Kashiveera had now turned to fierce hatred. He wanted to share his grief with someone, but whom could he speak to freely?

  There were hardships on the home front too. Since Mohanaswamy had stopped sending money home, he had to face several questions. ‘It is my hard earned money, I will spend it as I may please. Who are you to question me?’ he once said sourly to his mother, leaving her in tears.

  She was heartbroken. ‘Somebody has done some black magic on my son. He was never like this before,’ she went around telling everyone.

  His father was furious. ‘What do you do with so much money? Have you picked up any bad habits?’ he enquired. Fearing his anger, Mohanaswamy borrowed some money from his friends and sent it home.

  One day he got a call from his father at eight in the morning. He was calling from an STD booth since there was no phone at home. ‘Your mother is suffering from severe stomach pain. Till last night she was fine, she served us dinner and went off to sleep as usual. It suddenly began at two. She couldn’t even drink water, the pain was so bad. We rushed her to a hospital. Doctors said there are stones in the kidney that need to be removed. Come over immediately, Mohana, we need a lot of money for the surgery. You will have to get at least ten thousand rupees in cash,’ his father said.

  Mohanaswamy’s heart melted. ‘Don’t worry, Appa, I will somehow arrange for the money. Just go by what the doctor says and take care of Amma,’ he said, trying to comfort his father. But the harsh reality was that there was no money in his bank account thanks to Kashiveera. He did not feel like asking his friends again, as he had already borrowed quite a lot from them. In the anguish of utter helplessness, Mohanaswamy sought divine mercy and succour. Lord Krishna, save me from this crisis.

  Then an idea flashed in his mind. He had a gold chain weighing about twenty grams, gifted by his mother. By pawning it, he could get around ten thousand rupees. Having made his decision, he took a quick bath, packed his clothes in a bag and set out for the pawn shop.

  While he was walking near the signal, a hijra came to him, clapping loudly. She caressed his cheeks, cracked her knuckles in front of his face and asked for money. She was a regular at the signal. She once told Mohanaswamy that she hailed from his district. Mohanaswamy had always felt a strange mix of compassion for and fear of her. She would touch men without any fear, caressing their cheeks and shoulders. And if they did not resist, her hands would freely and move on to the other parts of their body. He envied her courage. But he couldn’t imagine himself wearing women’s clothes like
her and roaming on the streets. He knew very well that he wouldn’t dare get his dick chopped off. Though he desired men, he loathed dressing like women. During his teenage years, when his friends started teasing him for his feminine traits, he hesitated to talk to them. Once, he had taken part in a tiger dance during the college annual gathering. After the programme was over, everyone made fun of him, calling him ‘hennu huli’, a female tiger. A Kannada movie by that name had hit the screens just recently. Since then, Mohanaswamy had not taken part in any dance programmes, including his office parties.

  Many times he tried to escape from this inner turmoil, but to no avail. I should behave like men, he would tell himself, but his feminine mannerisms would invariably reflect in his behaviour. So he was very particular about what he wore. Colours like pink, red and yellow were a strict no. When it came to sexuality, no female body would attract Mohanaswamy. Once or twice he had tried masturbating, imagining naked women. But he couldn’t. No woman, no matter how beautiful, would come in his dreams.

  When the hijra insisted for money, he reached into his pocket and searched for change. He got a five-rupee coin, but thought it was a bit too much of an amount to give her. But since he had already taken it out, he gave it away. ‘Thanks, brother, I will not ask you for money for the next two-three days,’ she said. Then, she blessed him, placing her hands upon his head, ‘May all good things happen to my brother. No evil shall befall him.’

  Mohanaswamy smiled and said, ‘Every time I give you money, you tell the same thing. But my woes have not gone away. I am tired of malicious people.’

  ‘Oh brother, if you want to suffer, people will make you suffer. If you are submissive, they will take advantage of you. But once you rise firmly and put a bold front, they will back off. You must vow to rise from this mire. Every morning when you wake up, put your hand on your chest and say, “I have not done anything wrong”. If you are strong, then no one can harm you.’ Saying so, she clapped her hands and went looking for another man.

  Mohanaswamy went to the pawn broker, pledged his gold chain and got Rs 9,800 as a loan against it. Then he went to his office to apply for leave. There he saw a familiar figure seated on a chair, waiting for him. ‘Why Mohana, why are so you late to work today? Are you okay?’ Kashiveera enquired, feigning affection. Mohanaswamy’s head started reeling as he thought of the fresh notes in his wallet.

  Even then, he decided to take Kashiveera to the usual restaurant as he did not want any scene to be created in the office. They ordered coffee. The restaurant was full. Since the bearers were all busy, the owner himself came with the coffee cups. He was somewhat fond of Mohanaswamy, who was a regular customer. He took special care of him.

  ‘Kashi, please don’t trouble me today. I am going home. There is an emergency. Amma is unwell. She has been admitted to the hospital. She has to undergo an emergency surgery today. If you don’t believe, look at this luggage,’ Mohanaswamy pleaded.

  Kashiveera’s lips parted in a smile beneath his moustache. ‘Mohana, telling a lie isn’t easy, especially for good boys like you. Leave it to bad boys like me,’ he said saucily. Then he took out a packet from his bag, held it out to Mohanaswamy and said, ‘Take this, this is chatnipudi. Your mom asked me to give it to you. Yesterday I had gone to your house,’ he said, smiling triumphantly, thinking he had exposed his lie.

  Mohanaswamy ran out of patience. ‘If you are not ready to believe me, what can I do, Kashi? Yes, till last night she was fine. But she developed a stomach pain early this morning. Appa told me to make arrangements for money and come over immediately. I am broke as I have been giving you so much money. I had to pledge my gold chain in exchange of cash this time, see here!’ he said piteously and showed him his wallet.

  That was the cue. Kashiveera snatched the purse from him, took out the cash and stuffed the notes into the pocket of his trousers. ‘Your father has enough money, Mohana, he will take care of the expenses. You are a young boy, you don’t worry.’ He returned the empty wallet to him, got up and started walking towards the exit.

  It took Mohanaswamy a while to understand what was happening. He felt a sudden surge of anger. He ran behind Kashiveera, who had reached the main door. Mohanaswamy grabbed his legs from behind and pulled him with full force. Kashiveera fell down with a thud and bumped his forehead. He uttered a frightful howl. But Mohanaswamy was not in a position to listen to his cries. He threw himself on him and pulled out the notes from his pocket. Kashiveera managed to rise, but seeing Mohanaswamy furious, he did not dare hit him back.

  Mohanaswamy had lost his mind and began yelling, ‘You scoundrel, you are taking away my hard earned money! Are you blackmailing me? Who are you? What have I done to you? Why are you troubling me like this? Yes, you once looked handsome in my eyes. Yes, I felt like touching you. I felt like kissing you. I felt like sleeping with you. I felt like sucking your penis. I felt like getting fucked by you. Is that wrong? Well, when I realized that you were not interested, I did not touch you after that, not even your fingernail. You want to tell this all to the people in the town? Go ahead and tell them. Tell the whole world! Tell all these people sitting in the restaurant here. You can even go and tell the police. What can you take away from me? Mind you, from now on, if you ever come to me again, asking for money, I will finish you.’ His whole body was shivering with rage, his eyes red with anger.

  Kashiveera stood still seeing this enraged avatar of Mohanaswamy. All the people in the restaurant looked on in stunned silence. Then abashed, ashamed and wincing with pain, Kashiveera wriggled out of the place.

  Trying to compose himself, Mohanaswamy trudged wearily back to his table. He was surprised at how he was unravelling in full public view. His coffee had become cold and flies were floating on it. He looked around to find the people still watching him. He was just about to go, when the restaurant owner came and placed a small plate containing the bill on the table. The bill was eight rupees. Mohanaswamy put a ten-rupee note on the plate, looked up at his face and said with a feeble smile, ‘You can keep the change.’

  But the man did not smile back. He drew out a two-rupee coin from his pocket and put it back on the plate. Then he spoke in a serious tone, ‘Don’t come to our restaurant from tomorrow. This is a place where decent people come. You should go find another place.’ Saying this, he walked back to the cash counter.

  Mohanaswamy was flabbergasted. I will have to face and fight people like Kashiveera all through my life. Otherwise, I just can’t survive on this earth. As this depressing thought came across his mind, he sank in his seat. Then, lifting himself heavily, he walked slowly towards the exit.

  ANAGHA – THE SINLESS

  It was five in the morning on a chilly Dhanurmasa day. The biting cold had left even non-living things shivering. Kalleshi was up much before his grandmother called out to him. In fact, he hadn’t slept the whole night. He switched on the light.

  ‘Have you woken up?’ His granny shrieked from her bed.

  ‘Yes, Ajji,’ he said and the old woman slipped back into her sleep.

  But it wasn’t his fast-approaching preparatory examination that was on Kalleshi’s mind. He gently closed the door of the room. Without wearing his chappals, he tiptoed towards the back door and opened it. He had oiled its hinges the previous night so the door opened easily without squeaking. His father was not home and that gave him courage. After his mother’s death, his father hardly slept at home. If he found out where his son was going, he would surely beat him to death.

  After coming out of the house, Kalleshi strode briskly towards the Soogam well. He would have ran if it weren’t for the dogs that would chase him. The well was in the outskirts of the town, not very far from his house. On reaching the place, he heaved a sigh of relief as Somanna had not yet arrived. He was in town for sure, because Kalleshi had seen him the previous evening, fishing out a pot that had fallen into the well. This being Dhanurmasa, Somanna would definitely come to the well at the crack of dawn for a bath.

  Kall
eshi hid behind a neem tree. The soft light of dawn had pleasantly lit the area. After a while, a figure loomed at the end of the road. A dog barked in that direction. The figure threw a stone at the dog and it ran for its life, letting out a shriek. It was Somanna, no doubt. Kalleshi’s heart began pounding at the sight of the man he was waiting for with bated breath.

  First, Somanna took off the towel from his shoulder and spread it on the stone platform abutting the well. He stood on it, raised his arms towards the sky, joined his palms together, closed his eyes and offered prayers. Then, braving the biting cold, he removed his shirt and dhoti and threw them on the floor.

  Kalleshi swallowed his saliva as he saw Somanna in the buff, except for a langoti. Kalleshi’s body turned hot like a metal rod on fire. But on the inside, he was shivering and began grinding his teeth. He felt like a butterfly hovering over a flower. He hugged the tree tightly, desire flaring in his eyes as he watched Somanna exercise rigorously.

  Somanna was so strong he might have had the capacity of enjoying a body massage from an elephant. His python-like muscles ran up and down his well-built body during his workout. When he did push-ups, the bracelet on his forearm touched the ground every time with a ‘thunn…’ sound, breaking the silence of the atmosphere in a rhythmic pattern.

  Unable to suppress his desire, Kalleshi came out from behind the tree and walked towards him. ‘Somanna…’ he whispered. Somanna was surprised to see Kalleshi in front of him, appearing from nowhere. He would have snapped at Kalleshi reflexively, but bit his tongue and smiled upon hearing the tenderness in his voice.

  Quite breathless with excitement, Kalleshi put his quivering finger upon a bead of sweat on Somanna’s bare midriff just above his navel and burst it. He looked up at Somanna’s face, which still wore the smile. His silence encouraged him. Leaning forward and standing on tiptoe, Kalleshi caressed Somanna’s face, feeling the hot breath under his nose. His hands then strayed to his neck, arms, chest, nipples and stomach. He sat down on his haunches at Somanna’s feet. From there he lifted himself slowly, his fingers lightly tracing Somanna’s skin from his toes to his thighs.