The Accidental Divorcee

by Laura Scott

  REFILLING YOUR POOL

  There are many ways to refill your pool, such as doing things you enjoy and finding people you like to spend time with.

  If you enjoy an activity, do it. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but keeping your mind occupied is healthy and will get you through this rough time. Some people listen to music, work out, or read to get enough distance from themselves to let the tears roll down their face. Or you could watch episodes of a television show you have always wanted to see. Did you ever want to paint a room or remodel something? Jump in and do it—it’s a great time to find something to focus on, get physical, create change, and find a productive way to spend your time.

  NATURAL TALENT

  From the time you were a child, did you display a talent for something? This was an early ego builder for you. You sensed you were better than others at something. Engaging in something that involves your talents and abilities can be a powerful tool to help you get over a relationship. When you were younger, did you lose yourself in hours of practice or your chosen art? Did you put everything you had into a sport? A forgotten talent could be a great refuge for you now, and it will enable you to go back to a familiar feeling or routine that had a good outcome. Make a list of things that you can do, and embrace your unique gifts. It can be a positive experience and a way to cope with the feeling of loss over divorce.

  CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS

  Along with developing new interests, make time to cultivate new relationships to fill up your swimming pool. Ask yourself to be open to the experience of meeting new people, perhaps at a meetup group or through volunteering at your favorite charity. A conscious effort to get out and make connections can be a natural bridge to new relationships.

  Gwen was twenty-nine and separated from her husband, David, who had had an affair. She joined the SPCA (an organization that promotes the safety and well-being of animals) and made two good friends while taking care of the pets. She even ended up with a new kitten.

  Do you have a parent or a friend you have wanted to spend more time with? Cultivate that relationship. Friends and family are a great place to start when you’re rebuilding your life—many times they are the best listeners and the most supportive of what you are going through.

  Benny is a professional guitarist who found himself separated at thirty-three (his wife said she was tired of his late-night gigs and wanted to find someone who worked a regular job). He began to go to his sister’s house for dinner on Sunday nights and found that his six-year-old niece was also musically inclined—she was making up tunes on the piano. She became his protégé and he sponsored her for private lessons. They were soon jamming together. It was a great experience for both of them.

  When you are suddenly solo, sometimes you will meet people in the oddest places, and people will pop into your life for no apparent reason. Sit back and watch. It will happen.

  Laura, a human resources executive, has two boys and separated from her husband at forty-seven. To cope with stress, she joined a water aerobics class two nights a week in her neighborhood. She swam by someone she had seen in her neighborhood; they started chatting and Laura told Carolyn about her divorce. Quickly, Carolyn became one of her best friends. They have many things in common, and the friendship is mutually beneficial for both of them.

  Sometimes you will feel as if you are the only person in the world who is going through a divorce or separation. Well, you aren’t. If you want to meet other people in a similar situation, there are great divorce recovery groups in most cities. Join one—it might help you heal (more on this later).

  DISTRACTIONS

  Do you remember when you were little and got a bad cut or a serious injury, or even a big shot at the doctor, how someone would distract you with something like an ice cream cone or letting you hold your favorite stuffed animal? Parents distract their kids to protect them; it’s a natural instinct. Distractions are designed to grab your attention so you can focus on something else.

  People going through divorce usually come up with a distraction. It’s healthy, normal, and quite common to engage in distraction to a certain extent to get through the process of divorce. These shifts in focus will help you cope and may help you to refill your swimming pool. They might even become new habits or new hobbies, or lead to a new relationship.

  A NEW ROUTINE

  Starting and sticking to a new routine is hard. Stephanie, a forty-year-old teacher and mother of two young boys, separated from her husband. She shares: “Our family had always had dinner together. Bath and bedtime was when I spent the most time with my husband. For the first six months of my separation, I used to wonder how I would get through 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. every night. I fixed meals, did homework with the kids, got everyone ready for bed, but it was really hard, and I missed his support during this time. I missed him too. The time dragged on; it was just a hard time of day to get through. I just wanted to go to bed, but I had to be sure to be present for the kids, and I forced myself to make some new evening routines.

  “I cooked dinner and the boys helped me with the kitchen afterwards to keep them engaged. My master bedroom seemed too big for one person during that first six months. I moved the boys into one room and I slept in the small bedroom next door. If someone had a bad dream or cried in their sleep, I was close by. The house seemed dark and scary at night during that time, but it felt safer all together. Eventually, everyone moved back to their room. The first six months, many old routines went by the wayside and that was just fine.”

  James, a thirty-two-year-old executive in finance, used to take the train home from the city and meet his wife at his stop. After his divorce, he changed the time that he took the train and worked out at the gym two nights a week to create a different schedule. It helped him not miss her so much when he got home at night.

  Melanie, a thirty-year-old artist, always had coffee in the morning with her husband; it was their “thing.” Her new routine was getting out the door to grab coffee at Starbucks on the way to her studio. It helped her to move on.

  Wix, a divorcé and retired banker, had always watched several TV series with his wife. After they separated, he cancelled his cable subscription. Now he subscribes to Netflix instead and gets excited about watching new episodes every week.

  Any changes you can make to break up the old way you did things with an ex-partner can feel uncomfortable at first, but are good ways to fill up your pool. By doing this you are creating new patterns in your life.

  CHAPTER 4

  Everyone Else

  You are likely to encounter a wide range of opinions about divorce from your community, friends and family, neighbors, religious community, and if you are a parent, from people involved in your children’s school. Many may be ambivalent about divorce, leaving you feeling as though you are being judged. You may encounter animosity or feel as though others are distancing themselves from you.

  INTRIGUE AND GOSSIP: WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY

  At first, there is a lot of drama around your divorce. When couples separate, intrigue and speculation often ensue. It is, after all, big news for some people.

  Janice, a thirty-eight-year-old preschool teacher with three children, shares: “What was odd is that with kids in school and having lived in my community for ten years, people came out of the woodwork to talk to me. People whom I did not know very well looked at me sympathetically, but all they wanted was scoop.”

  There are people who will hunt you down at a party or school function just to ask, “What’s going on? We heard you were separated. . . .” How you respond to this question will determine how much people know about your situation, so be careful. The good news is that when you are feeling as though nothing is within your control, this is one place where you can exert a bit of control. You can determine how much you share. Of course, information may seep out from other sources, your ex included.

  Sometimes, it’s best to simply say that you are having some private family issues. If you feel the nee
d to say more, you could turn the onus back to the asker and indicate that you and your children appreciate their concern and request their prayers for your family. This tends to end the conversation with most nosy people.

  But sometimes the leaver is the source of information spreading. This person may be excited to spread the news because it makes them the focus of attention—a powerful sensation. The leaver is moving on, perhaps even in spite of their kids and spouse begging them to stay.

  In an attempt to justify their actions, the person leaving may share long-kept intimate secrets or details, complain about being unhappy in the relationship, and/or paint their partner in a poor light. This is not unusual; in fact, it’s quite common.

  By knowing that this is not uncommon, it might help you know what to expect during this time. Although painful, it’s part of distancing yourself from the marriage. You can control your side of the story.

  PICKING SIDES

  You and your ex-partner undoubtedly have friends and family who know you both well. Some people feel they need to pick a side during divorce. Perhaps they knew your partner first, so the long-standing loyalty is for your ex, not you, after the breakup. You will probably have to split up your friend list, and family members will side with their own. It’s tough.

  Some people have no experience with divorce and just don’t know how to handle it. For some, your divorce may highlight the shortcomings in their own marriage and that frightens them; if it could happen to you, it could happen to them. It’s too close for comfort. Of your couple friends, one spouse may want to support you, while the other spouse may want to stay out of it.

  Divorce is fragmenting and destabilizing for any community, and you may find that not many people embrace it either as a concept or because it represents change. Divorce is divisive in nature and triggers feelings that have to do with morality. This is why you may find yourself being shunned.

  It’s quite natural for people to go into preservation mode in response to a threat. You may find that even people you thought were good friends disappear on you. There’s no getting around it; it’s hard. You may not even get to say good-bye to friends who started out as your spouse’s friends or for whatever reason side with your partner, which is really sad.

  This is an unexpected side effect of divorce that is painful, losing long-standing relationships. It’s better if you know this ahead of time, so that you can prepare yourself not to take it personally.

  LOSING EXTENDED FAMILY

  Losing extended family who side with your partner is difficult too, especially if you and your spouse have been together for a long time. You may have seen these people socially for years—spent holidays and special moments together, attended the same events—and suddenly, they’re gone. All of that time together, all of those shared experiences and memories, and then—nothing. No phone call, no good-bye letter, no gesture of any sort, nothing.

  Kern is a thirty-six-year-old accountant with twelveyear-old twin girls whose in-laws always had a great New Year’s Day party. Neighbors and friends brought potluck food and drinks, and as the day wore on more and more people came. Kern always goofed off at this party and really enjoyed himself. He watched families grow up there. He looked forward to the party all year and enjoyed seeing how the families who attended grew and changed over the years.

  After his divorce he never attended the party again. He always wondered what happened to the people he had seen every year. It seemed so odd to him that he lost contact with all of them, and he wondered if any of them ever cared how he was doing.

  LOSING COUPLE FRIENDS

  Divorce is awkward for couples you socialize with, too. When you’re one of a couple, you don’t give much thought to it, but once you are on your own, it throws off the balance. Couple activities are usually conceived of as couple activities, whether intentionally so or not. Once you’re single, you may be excluded. Or if you’re included, showing up by yourself and in pain casts a pall over a get-together that is supposed to be fun and may result in your not being invited again. If you hear somehow that you’ve been excluded, don’t wallow for too long. If you feel bad, experience the feeling but try to keep in mind that this is a fairly common experience.

  Angela, a stay-at-home mom with two children in middle school who was very socially active in her community, found that she went from receiving lots of Christmas cards a year to receiving about five or six in the first year after her divorce. Getting cut from the Christmas card list was upsetting to Angela. A small thing, but it mattered to her.

  Bobby, a newly divorced forty-five-year-old real estate broker and father of two high school boys, found out that the annual couples’ neighborhood chili cookoff with his married friends had happened without him. He had moved out of the neighborhood, but it still hurt to be excluded. Bobby later heard that because he was good-looking and single now, one of the guys in the group was afraid he would hit on his wife.

  To say that people don’t know how to behave or what to do is the truth when their friends or family members divorce. There are few etiquette resources on how to treat a couple who is splitting up.

  THE POT STICKERS: THOSE WHO STICK WITH YOU

  During a divorce, some people come to your rescue. Your rescuers may be people you know well, like a best friend, but others will surprise you.

  Hope, twenty-nine, is a part-time lab tech and mother of an eight-year-old boy. She was at a birthday party when another mom noticed that Hope wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. The mom shared with Hope that her ex-husband had left her and their one-year-old baby when she was twenty years old. Then she touched Hope’s shoulder. “I have your back,” she whispered. The mom was a sweet soul, calling Hope weekly to check in and stopping gossip about Hope’s divorce when she heard it. Hope greatly appreciated the support.

  Jason, a forty-year-old software sales executive and father of two teenage girls, was going through a divorce. Jill, a family friend who grew up with Jason, drove from a neighboring city for a week and took care of his kids, cooked meals, and packed up the personal belongings of Jason’s ex-wife, who had moved in with another man. She brewed many cups of coffee, listened while Jason vented, and taught him and the girls to cook a different meal every evening. Jill’s support meant the world to Jason; it was very helpful to him and his girls in his recovery.

  Nancy, a forty-six-year-old stay-at-home mom of one girl and two boys, walked her children to school every day with a neighborhood friend, a man whose kids went to the same school. His name was Anthony. When Anthony heard about Nancy’s divorce, he replaced all of the smoke detectors in her house, installed new programmable thermostats on her air conditioning units, and changed the oil in her car.

  “If anything goes wrong around here, you call me,” Anthony said. He saved Nancy lots of money over the next three years. He never really talked to her about the details of her divorce, but he gave new meaning to the phrase “true friend.”

  Karen, a thirty-six-year-old financial advisor and mom of middle-school-aged boys, knew a woman named Michelle in the neighborhood because their kids were friendly. When Karen’s husband moved out, Michelle called Karen every day and was particularly mad about what Karen’s husband had done in abandoning the marriage. It lifted Karen’s burden, knowing that someone else was angry about her divorce. Michelle also made sure that she and her husband sat with Karen at all of their kids’ football games. It was a lifeline for Karen during a difficult time.

  During a divorce, there are friends you can count on and others you just cannot. Other people you know casually step up to help you. You don’t know which is which until everything happens, and life hits a difficult moment and reveals the people who will support you.

  CHAPTER 5

  A Shock to the System

  The shock of divorce eventually gets to work on the mental and biological systems of the body. Work productivity suffers. Sometimes people who can afford to just drop out of life for a while and shop, or fish, or go to a coffee shop every
day. Some people run until they’re exhausted, or read, or see movies, or sleep, or eat too much or too little. Whatever works for you is okay as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else. Just do the best that you can do to get by for a while. You have suffered a staggering blow and your mind and body are working to absorb what’s happening.

  Read this again: You have suffered a staggering blow. It’s going to take time to get over it. You should know, however, that feeling bad is okay. Give yourself a break. Leslie, a twenty-six-year-old graduate student who was divorcing after a five-year marriage, found herself singing that old Beatles favorite “Let It Be” to give herself a lift. For some reason it gave her comfort. Nicholas, a golf pro who was divorcing at thirty-six, wandered around the golf course looking for lost golf balls. It helped him process what was happening to him.