The Accidental Divorcee

by Laura Scott

  Look at all of the holidays of the year in your decree. Most standard divorce decrees for visitation cover only Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, parents’ birthdays, and children’s birthdays. Be sure to negotiate every other year on other holidays if you want them, including religious and other holidays. Easter and Palm Sunday, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and the Fourth of July will be controlled by traditional visitation if you do not stipulate a rotation in your decree. For example, Jennifer was responsible for the children’s religious education. Her ex-spouse, Mark, didn’t care if the kids attended church or not. Due to the set schedule negotiated in their divorce, Mark had the kids the first, third, and fifth weekend of each month. Because of this, Jennifer often had no access to her kids on Easter weekend. Jennifer was very upset with her lawyer for not mentioning this, and every year she had to bargain time with Mark so she could have her kids on Easter. Be sure to look at the whole calendar year and when traditional holidays fall. * Of special note for women who are divorcing: Many divorce decrees that are governed by the state give the child to the noncustodial parent (many times the dad) during the month of July. Be sure to negotiate every other Fourth of July; it’s a big holiday for children. For example, Clara, a twenty-eight-year-old mom of two little girls, didn’t include this in her decree, and so she didn’t ever have her daughters for the Fourth of July while they were under eighteen years old. It created hard feelings with her ex-husband, and she wished she had negotiated this holiday at the time of the decree.

  Look at social security and how it pays if you have been married more than ten years. Whether you have worked outside the home or not, this can significantly affect your retirement. Be sure to contact the social security office to look at your statement. Also, cover this information with your attorney.

  Keep several copies of your decree handy. This may sound obvious, but if you split up shared property or have children, you will need to be able to put your hands on it from time to time. For example, schools can require a copy of the divorce decree upon enrollment to be sure they understand the custody arrangements. Also, if you buy or sell property that you retained in the decree, you cannot sell it without a copy of your decree at the closing of the sale.

  If you have assets, write a will. Most people who get divorced do not want their previous spouse to get ahold of their assets. Pick heirs if you do not have children or, if you do have children, decide now how to leave your assets. If you already have a will, you will still need a new one since you are now a solo act. Change your beneficiaries on all legal documents— that is, unless you want your ex-spouse to control your financial estate or come into a large sum of insurance money when you die.

  DIVORCE DAY

  The day the divorce is final, it may or may not upset you. At that point, you are no longer legally joined. It can be a very big deal or you might feel nothing. Each person is different. For me, it was an incredibly difficult day. It’s best to have flexible plans so you can be alone if you prefer or surround yourself with friends or family if that makes you feel better.

  Ronnie, a thirty-two-year-old rancher and horse breeder, felt ready for his divorce. After twelve years of marriage, it was a fairly amicable split and they had worked though the pastor at church to remain civil because of the kids. When they went to court, it was so formal. There were pews like they had in church when Ronnie was a child, and he felt small in the courtroom.

  The judge briefly chatted with the attorney, asked if both of them were amenable to irreconcilable differences in the marriage, slammed down the gavel, and that was it. Game over. Ronnie thought to himself, “Well, we got married together and I guess getting divorced was the last thing that we ever did together.”

  A new onset of grief hit Ronnie that day. It was so final. He had plans to go with some buddies to a basketball game, but he cancelled. Instead he went to his parents’ house for dinner. It felt good to be with people who loved him, who understood he didn’t want to talk that day.

  TO SUM IT UP

  You may be distraught and distracted during your divorce, but try to realize the importance of looking out for your best interests. Do your research. Ask friends, family, and knowledgeable professionals for support. A divorce decree is a legal document that will control many aspects of your life. If you have kids, it will dictate visitation and parental rights until your children are eighteen years old. If you can, put all of the soul searching away for a while to put on your business hat and work through things as best you can.

  Friends and family may have a lot of advice. The advice may range from solid input to emotional opinions. The most important thing to remember is that the person who is getting divorced (you!) will be living with these decisions. This cannot be emphasized enough. You will make the final decisions regarding what will go into your divorce decree. You can listen to everyone you want to for advice and counsel, but in the end the decisions are your own.

  WHO’S CRYING NOW?

  If you think your spouse who left you isn’t hurting, think again. The cut is too deep to not bleed for a while, although you may never hear about it. One thing is certain: it’s stressful to orchestrate the major life change of divorce, whether the leaver realizes it initially or not.

  Some professionals say that the leaver has emotionally detached during the marriage; they’ve already mourned it and are ready for the break. But what happens after they leave can be more difficult than they planned, and their actions may have long-term consequences that they didn’t foresee.

  After deciding to leave a marriage, look at the stressful nature of putting that plan into action: moving out, telling friends and family, setting up a new household, executing the legal aspect of becoming unmarried, handling the financial stress of extracting money or finding a new source of money, and/or finding work. If there are children involved, they’re managing their schedules and routines, not to mention their grief. If they have left the marriage for someone else, they’re managing a new relationship on top of leaving the old one. Executing an exit strategy from a person’s current life is a lot harder in reality than in theory. It falls under the category of huge ordeal.

  Many people who leave a marriage are judged harshly, and many lose the respect of their friends, family, and community, especially someone who leaves a spouse with a young family.

  Does the leaver have any idea of the grief that they will endure from leaving a marriage? People who leave a marriage pay an inestimable price in terms of their reputation, children, family ties, financial situation—everything.

  Don’t think that they are getting off without any serious consequences. It’s not possible.

  KARMA

  Some recently separated or divorced people hear the word “karma” a lot during separation and divorce. It’s the idea that the universe will get even with someone for their bad (or good) behavior. You don’t have to strike back, let karma take care of it. If you can embrace it and give justice up to the universe, it might be a philosophy that could work for you during this time.

  David’s father was a successful oil and gas man in Houston. David proved to be brilliant at investing and made a small fortune in the stock market. He had married out of college and later left his wife with two small children. His parents disapproved of his decision, feeling he should have stuck with the marriage.

  When his parents retired and his father had a stroke, David found out that his sister was the executor of the estate, despite his adept financial abilities. When he asked his parents what had happened, his father told him that he didn’t have much character, abandoning his family like that. David ended up watching his sister turn over the management of his parents’ estate to a big bank, which didn’t pick stocks but chose expensive mutual funds that were moved regularly to pay big fees to the broker, eating away the money. His sister put his parents in a full-care assisted living facility, which was expensive, whereas David felt they could have been cared for at home.

  His decisions a
s a young man cost him his family’s respect, no matter how competent he was. His actions in his twenties were still affecting how his parents thought of him at fifty.

  CHAPTER 8

  After the Divorce

  The circumstances surrounding your divorce may dictate the tone of your relationship with your ex-partner following the divorce. If the divorce was ugly (as many are) you and your ex may always be estranged. But some exes are able to redefine their relationship and keep it amicable in front of the kids, which is a real win for everyone.

  Nobody comes though divorce unscathed, and every single ex relationship is different. Don’t feel bad about it, because in the end all you can be is who you are and that will have to stand. And it’s okay to feel the way that you feel about your ex-spouse.

  Divorces do not only uncouple the spouses. If you have children, in some ways you no longer have a family. This is why so many divorces become hostile—for many, splitting up the family is a bitter pill to swallow.

  The Bible says that divorce is rending flesh from bone, which is why the cut is so deep. It is difficult to understand the depth of this kind of loss unless you have been through it.

  COPARENTING AFTER DIVORCE

  Coparenting through divorce pulls at the heart of true irony. You are no longer together. You would love nothing more than to never have to communicate again with this person who hurt you, but you have to because you share kids. And you usually have to communicate on a regular basis because of your children’s routines, school activities, child support payments, and other issues.

  Some people do get along well after divorce. They become friends. Some ex-couples communicate better postdivorce than they did predivorce, clearing the way for them to become neutral so that they can support their children together. And some people never communicate well with their ex again. Divorce cuts so deep that even being civil is taxing for many ex-couples. It depends on the personalities involved, the tone of the marriage, and the tone of the divorce. Your divorce experience is unique to you. Your divorce is your divorce.

  Sometimes there comes a reckoning when an apology is made and it rings true, but whether that happens or not, time can help dull the fire of divorce. But what do you do until that happens?

  It’s good to keep your feelings about your ex neutral when it comes to your kids. Don’t express negative opinions about your ex-spouse to your children.

  Every family and marriage counselor will tell you that being nice to your ex in front of your kids is the best thing that you can do to secure their long-term happiness.

  Again, every family and marriage counselor will tell you that being nice to your ex in front of your kids is the best thing that you can do to secure their long-term happiness.

  Get the point?

  Being kind to your ex is sometimes easier said than done. Ted, a pharmaceutical sales rep who was forty-two when he divorced, had his fourth-grade twins one weekend. One of them fell off the trampoline and got hurt. They sped to the emergency room. When he called Sophie, his soon-to-be ex-wife, she informed him that she wasn’t available to come to the emergency room, that he could handle it. Sophie did talk to her daughter on the phone, but when Ted took the phone back, he heard children laughing and a baby crying in the background. Sophie was babysitting her boyfriend’s kids.

  Having to take one of your kids to the emergency room and not have your ex show up because of new relationship commitments is a tough way for the reality of being a single parent to sink in.

  Barbie was really mad at her ex-husband for leaving her with three kids. She realized on a soul level that her children (eight, ten, and twelve years old) didn’t deserve to feel the bitterness that she felt. Her ex-husband did give her the house in the settlement, and he did pay child support regularly. Through counseling she learned not to bad-mouth their father to her kids. As they grew up, she was proud of how well they were doing, and how holding her tongue during the first two years after her divorce helped them to deal as well as they could with their circumstances.

  DEVELOPING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX

  You and your ex-partner will form a new relationship at some point. Eventually, you will forget how much you depended on and trusted this person. But until you get there, how do you relate to them without getting angry?

  One way to communicate about necessary details is through text and e-mail—it’s the way to go. Try to interact with your ex like you would a grocery clerk. Be polite and get through the necessary transaction. And if you are going to be nasty, consider writing an e-mail or text and let it sit before you send it. In the end, you may revise some of the hateful language for the sake of peace or even delete the message entirely. Another option is to write a letter, get all your animosity out, and then tear it up. Try to spare your kids from witnessing the hatred and loathing of a divorce. Their parents breaking up has already shaken them and they are in a lot of pain too.

  Some couples can evolve into friends and do what is best for their children with a united front. Janet, a professional home stager, was forty-seven at the time of her divorce and eight years older than her ex-husband, Dan, an attorney. No matter what Dan did, Janet couldn’t bring herself to hate him or be mean to him. When their thirteen-year-old daughter began acting out, Janet and Dan were able to work together to support their daughter and work toward a solution. Their relationship as ex-partners was still strong when it came to parenting their child through a teenage crisis.

  Some relationships stay in stalemate permanently. Don lives on the opposite end of the neighborhood from his ex-wife. Since she left when their children were three and five, they cannot remember a time when their mother lived at home. Don has primary custody. Seven years after the divorce, they still only communicate through texts and e-mails because he cannot stand to hear her voice. Don has concealed his hatred as much as possible from his kids. Don says: “I’m a good man who married a bad woman.” If having a distant relationship with your ex-partner is the only way you can coparent your kids after divorce, that’s just the way it will have to be. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

  The nature of the breakup has an effect on the outcome of the ex-couple after divorce. Some people just have a harder time making peace with the situation. Betsy’s husband had an affair, divorced her, and married the other woman. He paid child support and showed up for visitation. Betsy tried to be businesslike in her communications, but sometimes she failed to remain neutral. She was so angry with him that right after the divorce, she badgered him about hurting his kids and his lack of ethics and called him a loser. She was angry and couldn’t stop herself from lashing out. Betsy never got her reckoning. He never apologized about his appalling behavior, no matter how mad she got. Eventually, she just had to let it go and settle for the fact that her ex was a good noncustodial parent. She sums it up like this:

  “He just doesn’t want to hear about what he did. He will pay child support, show up, go to the kids’ school events. He is trying to be a good father, and he communicates pretty well about things. If I start to go on about what he did, we both get angry and it doesn’t work. There will never be any healing in that he will never be sorry. I guess if he was sorry he never would have abandoned me like that. On a soul level and a moral level, he is a jerk, but I am dealing with it and I have to discipline myself from trying to force some morality into the guy. It’s not going to happen.”

  THE WORK-AROUND

  Sometimes arrangements with kids during and after divorce become more than just awkward. They can become antagonistic and hateful.

  Desiree, an executive assistant with two middleschool-aged children, felt this way about her ex. He was difficult to work with about everything. If she wanted the kids for an extra day to celebrate a birthday in her family, or if they wanted to stay one extra day on vacation, her ex would not work it out with her. If she was one minute late getting the kids to him, he hassled her. Every encounter with her ex was upsetting.

  Desiree had spent many years at
a very large company. This company had some procedures and technology that were outdated. It even had some employees who were a bit difficult to work with, but her team was committed to accomplish the work at hand. Her boss referred to situations that required a creative solution “a work-around.” One day while looking at schedules for her kids, she thought, “From now on, I am going to envision dealing with my ex as needing a work-around!” It allowed her to not get so emotionally involved in otherwise messy situations with her ex. Once she realized that he probably wouldn’t change, she also realized that a “work-around” was the best approach for her and her kids.

  In summary, regarding your relationship with your ex-spouse: It will take time and you will need to develop a level of emotional detachment to be able to keep cool in communicating and coparenting with a previous spouse. You will do better if you can keep the information relayed to your ex on a facts-only basis, while realizing that initially postdivorce, some emotional statements will probably be mixed in. Every chance you have to send communications to your ex is a new opportunity to place that distance between the two of you, and to develop a “work-around” to help you succeed in talking respectfully with each other and, if applicable, coparenting successfully. Keep at it—it will get better over time.

  DOING THE BEST YOU CAN FOR WHERE YOU ARE

  Some people feel criticized by family and friends after divorce. Whether you are the leaver or the left, suddenly you aren’t the same person you were and everyone seems to notice. Sometimes people judge the person going through a divorce.