by L A Cotton
“We’re not anything.” His eyes narrowed. “Like I said everything is fan-fuck—”
“Yeah, yeah, we got the memo.” Damon stood up. “Come on, Hud, I think you’ve had enough.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.” He flipped his bandmate off. “I’m celebrating.”
“We’re going to bed,” Rafe said, leading Eva away. She gave me and Letty a small wave, mouthing, “Goodnight.”
“And then there were five.” Hudson rolled his eyes.
“Four,” Damon said. “I’m gonna turn in.”
“Whatever, D. New Girl, get another drink. It’s you, me, and Letty, if she thinks she can handle the heat.” He slid a bottle of Jack toward me.
“I’m sitting right here, asshole,” Levi growled.
“Yeah, but you’re no fun tonight.”
“Sorry for trying to keep my shit together for once.”
“New Girl, let’s go.”
“I’m not sure I should mix my drinks.” I already felt a little light-headed, my blood warm from the buzz.
Peeking over at Levi, I found him watching me intently, his dark eyes drilling holes into my face. He looked pissed, disapproval etched into the lines of his face.
Hudson snatched the pack of playing cards off the table. “Three card draw. Lowest card drinks.”
“I think the party’s over, Hud,” Letty said with resignation.
“It’s not over until the last person is standing.”
“Well, I’m out. It’s almost two.”
Two?
We’d been drinking for longer than I thought. But time seemed to stand still on the tour bus.
“You coming?” she asked me, “or are you—”
“Staying,” Hudson was slurring now, “she’s staying.”
“Okay, Hud.” Letty grabbed the bottle from his hand. “I’m cutting you off.”
He lunged for her, but she took off down the bus with him stumbling behind.
I stared at my glass, knowing I would regret it if I drank anymore. But the heat from Levi’s stare was too much to bear.
“Phoebe,” he said quietly. “Look at me.”
My eyes lifted of their own volition.
“You need some water?”
Did I?
Water would sober me; it would pull me from the lingering buzz I felt. But part of me liked it here, it made everything less somehow.
Zephyr. Levi. My father... liquor made everything float away into the distance until they couldn’t reach me.
“I think I’m good,” I said, downing the remainder of my drink. His eyes shuttered, and I’m sure I heard him cuss under his breath.
But Levi didn’t care about me.
Not in the way I wanted him to.
Levi
Phoebe was drunk. I’d watched for hours as she played drinking games with the guys. It had been sweet torture watching as she sipped her glass, caressed it with her lips. I could write songs for days about the way Phoebe Halstead drank liquor.
She stared at me, the air crackling with anticipation. It was the first time we’d really been alone since Nashville. I’d tried to talk to her, but she was pushing me out.
Because I was a fuck up.
Because when things didn’t go my way, I liked to play games and hurt those closest to me.
Hurt myself.
It wasn’t something I did consciously, I was usually too high or wasted or lost to care.
But tonight, I’d stayed sober. All for her. And she had no fucking clue.
Her head rolled on her shoulders slightly as she stared at me.
“You’re drunk,” I deadpanned.
“Am not.” Her nose scrunched up. She looked so fucking adorable, my chest tightened.
Fuck, this woman.
She was like no one I’d ever met.
“You slept with her.” I frowned and she added, “the blonde from the club. I didn’t think you’d do that. I mean, I knew you would, you’re Levi freakin’ Hunter, but part of me hoped you wouldn’t.” Phoebe let out a resigned sigh and it cracked my chest wide open.
Fuck. I’d fucked up that night. But seeing her with that Suit, it had done all kinds of shit to me. I’d wanted to hurt her, to make her feel even an ounce of the jealousy I felt coursing through my veins like molten lava. It was fucking childish, but that was me.
Levi Hunter: Manchild and asshole, incapable of talking about his feelings.
“I didn’t sleep with her.”
She snorted at that, and fuck, it stung that she’d written me off so easily.
“It’s the truth. We got back to my room, drank some more, and I passed out.” It wasn’t one of my finest moments, but I really didn’t give a shit where the blonde was concerned. She was a means to an end, nothing more.
Something sparked in her eyes. I wanted to believe it was hope but all I saw was doubt.
“But you took her back to fuck her, didn’t you?”
“I...” What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? I’d been blind with jealousy and the need to hurt her. And Blondie had been ripe for the taking.
“God, I hate you, Levi Hunter. I hate you so much.” Tears pricked the corner of her eye, each one like a jagged knife to my stomach.
I didn’t want her to hate me. But I didn’t know how to let her love me either.
“If it makes you feel any better, I would have hated myself for sleeping with her.”
“Why?” The tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “Why would you say that to me?”
“You know why, Phoebe.”
“It doesn’t matter.” She took a shuddering breath, wiping her eyes.
“Stop saying it doesn’t matter.” My teeth ground together. “It fucking matters, and you know it.”
“Levi, I can’t...”
“You’re scared. I get it. I’m a fuck-up. I’ll probably always be a fuck-up. But you make it quiet. You make it all quiet.” I scrubbed my face, slipping my hand over my head to rub the back of my neck.
“I’m tired,” Phoebe whispered, her eyes heavy with the weight of the liquor and my confession.
“Come on.” I stood, offering her my hand. She stared at it like it was contagious. Like if she touched me, she’d be infected with the same soul-eating darkness that lived inside me.
My insides quivered with anticipation. If she rejected me, I didn’t know what the fuck I would do. I was already on edge, walking a fine line between locking myself in the bedroom at the back of the bus or draining the contents of all the bottles of liquor.
“I’m not going to sleep with you.” She huffed indignantly, defiance burning in her eyes.
“I can keep my hands to myself, promise.”
Phoebe gazed up, studying me. “Fine. But this doesn’t mean anything. I’m just really drunk and I’m not sure I can deal with one of the bunks tonight.”
“Yeah, yeah, Intern.” I smirked. “Keep telling yourself that.”
The small room was steeped in darkness as we stepped inside. I went to flip the switch, but Phoebe said, “Leave it, please.”
I stood back, watching her as she stared at the bed.
“How many girls have you brought in here?”
“Don’t ask questions you won’t like the answer to.”
“Right, of course.” She shrunk into herself. “Maybe this is a bad idea.”
It was absolutely a bad idea, but I wasn’t exactly known for my excellent decision-making skills.
Moving behind her, I ran my fingers up her spine, sliding my hand over her collarbone. “I told you I wouldn’t touch you, I meant it. It’s late, we should sleep.”
“Sleep... yes. We should do that.” She gulped.
Fuck. I couldn’t resist dipping my head and pressing a kiss to her shoulder. My lips lingered, as I fought the urge to claim her. To sink my teeth into her soft skin and mark her.
“Levi?” Her voice quivered. “I’m scared.”
I sucked in a harsh breath. I was a mess. A fuck up. An asshole. I’d mad
e women cry, kids cry, I’d even made grown ass men cry. I’d fought my friends, my brother, the press... myself. I’d done some heinous things, abused my body, and more than once in my life, I’d wanted to die. But hearing Phoebe whisper she was scared of me, it twisted something inside me.
This woman—this beautiful, strong woman—had the power to completely disarm me.
Me.
A guy who had only ever given one woman the power to hurt him.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” My lips brushed Phoebe’s ear, my hand splaying around her throat, gently coaxing her face to mine.
I hadn’t planned to kiss her. I hadn’t planned on doing anything, but I always was a weak man unable to avoid temptation. She was standing there, and I couldn’t resist.
“Levi,” she whispered as our lips met in the faintest of kisses.
“Ssh, Phoebe. Just let yourself feel.” My tongue slipped past her lips and curled around hers, massaging and licking. She tasted like all my favorite things wrapped up in one irresistible package. Thoughts exploded in my head of me dripping liquor on her body and licking it off, getting lit on both her and the alcohol. I could vividly imagine cutting lines on the flat of her stomach and snorting them off or fucking her long into the night high on Molly.
I wouldn’t because she deserved more.
Phoebe deserved better.
But it didn’t stop dark thoughts from infiltrating my mind.
“Why does this feel so right?” She broke the kiss, blinking up at me with her big honey eyes.
“Because maybe it is. Maybe we just both have to take a chance.”
“I can’t do it again. I can’t watch someone I...” She stopped herself, letting out a heavy sigh. Part of me was relieved. I didn’t want to ever hear those words. “I’ll never be the most important thing in your life. I deserve that, Levi. I deserve to come first.”
Her honesty shook me to the core. Phoebe had scars. The deep kind. The kind I knew I couldn’t fix. The kind I knew I would only rip open if I pursued this thing with her.
But I couldn’t walk away.
I couldn’t do it.
So long as she was on tour with us, we would continue to go around in circles until one of us cracked. Or I fucked things up for good.
Touching my head to hers, I breathed her in. “I’m not a good guy, Bee, but I’d try to be good for you.”
A shiver ran through her as she swayed gently. She was drunk. Maybe more than I’d first thought.
“Come on,” I said, guiding her toward the bed. “You should get some sleep.”
Phoebe began stripping out of her clothes with haste, as if they were suffocating her. “Stupid shirt,” she groaned as she tried to yank it over her head.
I stood back, smothering the laughter rumbling in my chest. “Need some help?”
Her eyes snapped to mine, glittering in the dark. “I can manage.”
After a couple more failed attempts, I crouched down and nudged her hands away. “Here, let me.” My fingers brushed her bare skin, and she whimpered again.
My dick strained against my jeans, desperate to feel her again. But the next time I was inside her, I wanted Phoebe to know exactly who she was fucking.
I pulled back the cover. “In you go.”
“I can’t believe this happening,” she mumbled. “How embarrassing.” Phoebe buried her face in the pillow.
I made quick work of stripping down to my boxers and climbed in bed beside her. She tried to roll away, putting as much space between us as possible.
But fuck that.
I hooked my arm around Phoebe’s waist and pulled her back against my chest.
“Levi, we can’t snuggle...”
“Why the fuck not?” I tangled my legs with hers, fighting the urge to press my hard length right up against her ass.
“Because I’m your assistant and you’re...” She let out a little huff of frustration.
“It’s okay, honeybee,” the nickname rolled off my tongue as easy as breathing, “you can say it. I’m the best sex you’ve ever had.” I breathed against the shell of her ear.
Her sweet laughter filled the small room. “You’re definitely the biggest ego I’ve ever had.”
That sobered me.
I didn’t want her to see me as the guy everyone else saw.
Rock god.
Sex symbol.
Wild reckless addict.
I only wanted her to see me.
“Levi?” My name pierced the silence. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
What other choice did I have?
I tucked her closer. “Get some sleep.”
Silence enveloped us again and I lay there, waiting for her to fall asleep. If I’d have been someone else, I would have told Phoebe how this was a first for me. I would have looked into her eyes and showed her how grateful, how fucking relieved I was that she didn’t push me away again.
I would have told her that while I wasn’t capable of love, this came pretty damn close.
But I wasn’t that guy.
Maybe I never would be.
When I woke up, Phoebe was gone. But I wasn’t surprised. She’d been drunk. She’d let her guard down and let me slip through the cracks.
I’d laid there for hours, listening to her sleep. The gentle rise and fall of her chest, the soft inhale and exhale of every breath. It was like a quiet melody, finally lulling me into a deep sleep.
Stretching my arms, I reached over to check the time. It was a little after eight. Hunger pangs ripped through me, but I knew my stomach wasn’t hungry for food. It was hungry for something else entirely. A deep-seated thirst I wouldn’t allow myself to quench. Not today. Not tomorrow. Or the day after that.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I focused on my breathing. In and out. In and out. I needed a cool shower, one of Damon’s weird ass smoothies, and some breakfast. That would keep the urges at bay. At least until the show tonight.
But the second I stepped out of the room, and spotted Phoebe sitting at the table, nursing a mug of coffee, another kind of hunger carved through me.
Her eyes lifted as if she felt me watching her. She didn’t speak, she didn’t need to. Everything she had to say was right there in her eyes.
Gratitude. Understanding... Regret.
I didn’t like that last one. Even after last night, she was still going to fight me on this. She was going to deny us.
Deny me.
My fist clenched and before I realized, it flew into the wooden paneling.
“What the fuck?” Damon glowered at me.
“My bad,” I said thinly, sliding my eyes to Phoebe.
Realization washed over her, and the blood drained from her already pale face.
“You want some?” Damon asked, dragging my attention away from her. But out the corner of my eye, I was almost certain I saw her breathe a sigh of relief.
Anger burned through me like acid.
“Levi?” he asked again, and I blinked, trying to rein in my emotions.
“Uh, no. I need to take a piss and then I’m going to take a shower.” A cold one at that.
“Okay.” He frowned, concern in his eyes. “Everything okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” I glared at Phoebe again, but she didn’t meet my eyes.
Damon glanced over at her and back at me. “Ah, I see.”
“Hmm.” It came out tight.
“You good?” He lowered his voice, and I knew what he was asking me.
“I will be,” I said.
For now.
Phoebe
There was something different about this show. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but the fangirls—the Die Hearts as everyone called them—were here in droves.
The second we’d stepped off the tour buses, their high-pitched shrieks and screams of ‘I love Levi’ and ‘fuck me hard, Hudson’ had filled the air like a siren’s call on the sea. It was eerie, and strangely uncomfortable to hear a bunch of teenage girls
and young women whine like that. Ear splitting, blood curdling screams of sheer adoration.
Security was increased due to the swarms of fans gathering outside the Talking Stick Resort Arena.
“This is crazy,” I said to Letty as we peeled out of a window, watching the lines grow below. The fans wouldn’t be let in for another hour, but I was beginning to wonder where everyone was going to go.
“The local PD are standby,” she added.
“What’s special about Phoenix?”
“Happens sometimes.” She shrugged. “Everything has blown up since the track started streaming. Website hits are up. Ratings. Downloads. It’s all pointing in the right direction.”
“Your plan worked.”
“It did.” She gave me a smug smile. “They don’t pay me to look pretty.”
“I can see that.” I was learning so much from Letty. She handled herself with confidence and composure in what was a typically male-dominated world. It was really something to behold.
“Come on, we should go see how soundcheck is going.”
I followed Letty out of the small meeting room at the top of the arena and down to the stage. They were mid-song, Levi teasing the empty arena with his gravelly and intense vocals.
“He’s something, huh?”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?”
“Nothing happened.” My cheeks flushed.
“Funny,” she smiled, “because when I got up in the night for a pee, only three out of the four bunks were occupied.”
My cheeks turned a shade darker as she looked over at me. “I stayed with Levi, but nothing happened.”
Except the fact he’d held me all night, wrapped around me like a spider monkey.
She gave me a pointed look, as if she saw straight through me. “He’s different. You should know that. I know he messed up, and he’ll mess up again before the tour is over. But last night he sat and watched the rest of us get toasted. That’s pretty huge for someone like Levi, and I’m guessing he didn’t do it for me or Hudson.”
“Maybe.”
“He’s trying. Give him some credit.”
“You know my ex, Zephyr, was an addict.” She nodded. “Well, he used to try a lot. He’d manage to go weeks without drinking or getting high. Then something would happen, and it’d push him over the edge, and I’d lose him. And every time it happened another little piece of me died. I can’t be that girl again, Letty.”