by L A Cotton
I became larger than life, a god to worship, immortalized and revered.
But something was missing.
The vast jagged hole inside me was no longer filled by the screams of tens of thousands of excited fans. Maybe it never had been. Instead, it craved something else. Connection. Intimacy. It craved her.
Phoebe Halstead.
My honeybee.
And she wasn’t here. She was holed up at the hotel, alone, recovering after being hurt… because of me. Because of the craziness of my life.
My fists clenched.
“Levi?” Eva touched my arm and I flinched. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Angel,” I sighed, “that is such a loaded question.”
What wasn’t wrong?
Fuck, I needed a hit. I needed something to calm the storm raging inside me. Hunger carved through me, making my skin itch. I tried to focus on my breathing, but it was difficult. It was—
“You should see this.” Eva thrust something under my face.
Her cell phone.
I frowned, trying to make sense of the words.
Phoebe: Is he okay?
“Why are you showing me that?” It came out tight.
“Because she cares, Levi. And I know you’re finding it hard being here when she’s there.”
“How did you—”
Eva smiled, her eyes full of understanding. “I know things. You should call her.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” We had a show to do. If I heard the pain in her voice, I wouldn’t be able to focus.
“Levi,” Eva said more firmly, “call her.” She handed me her cell phone.
I stared at it for a couple of seconds before taking off down the hall to find somewhere a little quieter.
Phoebe answered on the second ring. “Eva, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“Bee,” I breathed.
“Levi?”
Relief slammed into me and I dropped my head against the wall. “You’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” She chuckled. “Going out of my damn mind being stuck here while you... while you’re all there. Good luck with the show.”
“Bee, I don’t care about the fucking show. I only care about... you.”
Her breath caught. “Levi, I—”
“Levi, dude,” Hudson yelled. “We’re on like now.”
“You should go,” Phoebe said.
“Just give me a second. There’s something I need—”
“Levi, let’s go!”
“Fuck, fuck.” I ran a hand down my face. “I need to—”
“Go. You need to go. Break a leg.” Her soft laughter filled the line but then she quickly rushed out, “Actually, don’t. The label would kill me.”
We hung up but I didn’t move, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be there, with her.
I wanted the girl, the relationship, the happily-ever-after...
Even though I knew there was no fairy tale ending for a guy like me.
Sweat rolled down my back. My t-shirt clung to my slick skin as I strutted up and down the stage, screeching the lyrics into the mic. Adrenaline pumped through me like cocaine. I was high on the music, high on the crowd singing the lyrics back to me, high on Hudson’s heavy beat reverberating through me.
I hear the voices, inside my head
Whispering things of sorrow and sin
I hear the voices, inside my head
They taunt me, telling me to just give in
To succumb to the pain, to let go and fall
But I don’t wanna relent, I don’t wanna fade
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
It feels so good, but it hurts so bad
This high that I’m riding, don’t want it to end
I don’t wanna come down, don’t make me come down
‘Cos I’m chasing... I’m chasing nirvana
But I don’t wanna die
“Thank you, San Diego. You’ve been amazing, we’ll see you again soon.” I punched my fist in the air and inhaled a ragged breath, dragging air into my lungs.
The crowd roared, the noise deafening. Hudson was whooping behind me, Damon and Rafe grinning like fools either side of me. The lights started to dim, darkness closing in around me, and like after any good high, I began to crash.
A war raged inside me. The happy chemicals trying to stave off the negative ones. Serotonin duking it out against monoamine oxidase A.
But unless I chased the high—swallowed, snorted, or smoked something to increase my dopamine and norepinephrine—I knew it was a battle I couldn’t win.
After the high, always followed the low.
Always.
It was about the only thing in life I could count on.
“Holy shit, that was intense.” Hudson clambered down off his podium and leaped onto my back, hugging me. “We rocked the shit out of this place.”
The three of them walked off stage, jostling each other, but I remained, staring out at the emptying arena. There would be no meet and greet tonight, no rabid fangirls lying in wait out back by the tour buses, security had made sure of that, there was just the deafening quiet and the promise that, in two nights, we got to do it all again.
“Yo, Levi,” Hudson called. “You coming? I could eat a small cow.”
He was always thinking with his stomach or dick.
“Yeah. I’m coming.” My eyes lingered on the dark arena again. This was all I’d ever wanted so why didn’t it fill me up?
Why wasn’t it enough?
As I walked off stage to follow my bandmates, my family in all the ways that counted, I tried to ignore the little voice in my head.
You know why.
The guys wanted to get pizza. Well, Hudson did, but there was only one place I wanted to be.
“What do you mean you’re not coming?” He frowned. “You have to come.”
“Hud,” Damon warned.
“I’m not hungry.” I shrugged.
“Not hungry for pizza you mean.” Hudson leveled me with a knowing smirk.
“Fuck off.”
“No, but you’re about to get fucked. I bet Pheebs likes it nice and—”
I’d fisted his shirt and yanked him forward before I knew what was happening.
“Whoa, man, relax,” he stuttered. “I’m just busting your balls. I like Phoebe. You know that.”
“Levi, let him go.”
My teeth were ground so tight I felt pain shoot into my gums. Anger vibrated under my skin as I narrowed my eyes at Hudson, daring him to say another word.
“Levi,” Rafe said again. “Let him go.”
Shoving him hard, Hudson stumbled back. His hands shot up. “Shit, man, I was joking. It was a joke. I didn’t realize you—”
“Hudson!” Damon glared at him.
“Yeah, okay. Shutting up now.”
Tension rippled between us.
“What’s going on?” Eva approached us, glancing from me to Hudson and back again.
“Nothing,” I let out an exasperated breath. “I need to get out of here.”
Before I did something really fucking stupid.
“You’re going back to the hotel?” she asked.
I nodded. My bandmates watched me. I felt their states of curiosity lick up against me. I didn’t like it. Being treated like an animal at the zoo. Caged. Wild and unpredictable. But I understood their motivations.
They were worried.
They were always fucking worried.
Being the reckless one, the one who marched to the beat of his own drum, had never bothered me much before. Probably because I was always too wasted or high to care. But I was sober more than high these days, and I saw myself the way they saw me.
And I didn’t like my reflection.
“Come on, we can ride t
ogether.”
“You’re not coming for pizza?” Hudson asked her.
“No, I’m exhausted.” Her eyes flicked to Rafe. “Someone kept me awake half the night.”
“I... uh...” He blushed. My baby brother actually fucking blushed as he ran a hand over his hair. “See you later?”
“Of course.” Eva went over and kissed him, then she turned to me and smiled. “Let’s go.”
“Guess we’ll see you later then?” Hudson said.
Things weren’t right between us still. We all knew it. But as I walked away from them with Eva, I couldn’t find it in myself to care.
Phoebe
I woke with a start. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up and gave my eyes time to adjust to the darkness. My head still hurt but it wasn’t as bad as earlier.
“Letty?” I called out to the shadows. Something moved over by the door and I could just make out—“Levi?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He stepped closer. He looked like shit, dark circles ringing his eyes.
“What happened?”
“Nothing... nothing happened. The show was great, everything was fucking great...” Pain bled from his words, infecting the air around him. I could sense it, like a bad storm on the horizon.
Slipping out of the covers, I went to him. His eyes glittered in the shadows, tracking my every step. My heart thumped in my chest, racing wildly as I reached him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I could do this. I could be this person for him.
“I really, really don’t want to talk.” A sigh rumbled in his chest. It was such a defeated sound, full of pain and sadness. It made my heart ache.
“Oh, Levi.” I cupped his face, wishing I had the answers, wishing so much that I had the power to fix him. I knew I couldn’t, not until he fixed himself. But it didn’t stop me wanting it.
“Honeybee.” He sank into my touch, the tension melting out of his shoulders. “I shouldn’t be here... I should go before I fuck everything up.”
Levi started to pull away and panic washed over me. “Don’t,” I said, snagging his wrist. Because I knew if I let him go, if he walked out of here right now, he’d walk straight into the arms of a bottle of liquor or a line of coke or anything he could get his hands on to quiet whatever demons were in his head.
“Stay.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” he breathed the words as if it took all his willpower to say them.
His eyes burned into mine, holding me captive. I knew that one day, I would look back on this moment for what it was—the moment I gave Levi Hunter my heart.
The moment I willingly handed him the power to ruin me.
“It’s okay,” I said, pushing down every doubt and fear. “I’m right here, Levi. I’m here.” Leaning up, I touched my head to his. Our lips were so close I could feel the warmth of his breath.
“Phoebe...” My name was a pained whisper on his lips. His body shook as we stood there, kissing but not kissing, touching but not touching.
Slowly, I lifted my hand back to his cheek, the strong ropes of my resolve slowly unraveling. “Kiss me, Levi,” I whispered, letting my lips trace the outline of his.
His eyes shuttered, a deep growl vibrating in his throat.
For a second, I was scared he wasn’t here with me. Still as a statue, I wasn’t even sure Levi was breathing.
“Le—”
He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me hard, plunging his tongue deep inside my mouth. I couldn’t breathe. Every slide of his lips, every drag of his teeth, the dig of his fingers around my hip as he held my body to his—it was possessive and all-consuming. Dirty and desperate. It was Levi crawling into the cracks of my heart, forcing himself into my veins, scratching himself onto my bones.
It was everything.
“Fuck, honeybee,” he rasped. “Do you have any idea how hard you get me?” Levi grabbed my hand and smashed it to the bulge in his jeans.
A whimper spilled from my lips as he leaned in and sucked on my neck, soothing the sting with his tongue. “I could get high on just the taste of your skin.”
One of his hands dropped to the hem of my oversized band t-shirt. I’d pulled it on earlier after taking a hot bath. He roughly gripped my thigh, whispering into my ear. “Skin like silk, eyes like honey, this girl will rip out your heart before you can blink.”
His fingers brushed higher, grazing my panties.
“Levi...” I sucked in a sharp breath, fisting his t-shirt as I waited for him to touch me there.
But he teased me, rubbing his knuckle over the soft cotton. “Beg, Bee, I want to hear you beg.”
“T- touch me, Levi... please.”
Without warning, he yanked the material aside and thrust two fingers inside me. My body bowed into him, pleasure saturating my veins.
“Oh God, yes...”
Pressing his thumb hard against my clit, Levi finger fucked me with skilled finesse. I tried to bury my face in his shoulder as I drowned in intense waves of ecstasy, but he pressed his brow to mine, pinning me in place with a dark look.
“I want to watch you fall apart,” he drawled. “And when you’re nothing but broken shards of skin and soft moans, I’ll piece you back together and do it all over again.”
I pressed my lips together, suppressing the urge to cry his name. A wildfire swarmed in my stomach, burning me from the inside out as he continued working me with his fingers.
“Almost there?”
I nodded, delirious on the sensations coursing through me. His other hand slipped between us and I heard the telltale sound of a zipper.
“I need inside you, Bee... tell me I can—”
“Yes, God, yes.” I was so close, just another—
Levi pulled his fingers out of me and stepped away. “Turn around and put your hands flat on the bed,” he ordered, his pupils blown with lust. A shiver zipped up my spine at the dominance in his voice. I turned slowly and moved to the bed, my body swaying with lust.
“Hands,” he said gruffly.
I folded my body over the bed and placed them down, my skin tingling with anticipation. Levi stepped up behind me, running one of his hands up my thigh. He hooked his fingers into my panties and inched them down. My heart fluttered in my chest, my breath hitching as he slid himself through my wetness. We both groaned.
“I can’t be soft,” he rasped. “I don’t know how.”
“I don’t need soft, Levi. I only need you.”
He slammed inside of me making my body lurch forward. A garbled cry got stuck in my throat as he pulled out and slammed back inside. His hands clamped around my hips as he rode my body with powerful, unrelenting strokes. Whatever demons he was fighting, whatever darkness he was trying to outrun, he used my body to purge his sins.
“Fuck, Bee... you feel so fucking good.” Levi changed the angle slightly, going deeper. Moans spilled from my lips as I tried to stay in the moment, but pleasure was firing off inside me like tiny bolts of electricity. One of Levi’s hand trailed up and down my spine, slipping under my t-shirt to find my breasts. He squeezed and pinched, making me cry out.
It was too good.
Too much.
Too everything.
“Come, honeybee, give it to me...” His fingers found my clit, strumming me like a guitarist plucked his strings. It was enough to push me over the edge, my body quivering with bone-deep pleasure.
“Yes, fuck... fuuuuuck.” Levi stilled, jerking inside me. It was only then, when I felt the trickle of warmth, that I realized he hadn’t worn a condom.
He slowly withdrew from me, making me whimper again. Everything was so sensitive, I felt wrecked.
I glanced back at him and our eyes collided, and he knew.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think... fuck...” Guilt swam in his eyes as he ran a hand down his face.
“I’m on birth control.” I reminded him as I stood up to face him.
“I’m clean,” Levi said, swallowing hard. “I swear I haven’t b
een with anyone else since we…”
“Okay.” I nodded, refusing to let this be the reason either of us pulled away.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I need to go clean up. You good if I just...” I motioned to the bathroom.
Levi’s eyes darted to the door and back to me. He looked ready to bolt.
“I’d really like it if you were here when I came back,” I added, feeling emotion wrap around my throat.
He didn’t reply, his expression an indecipherable mask.
I waited another couple of seconds and when it was apparent he wasn’t going to answer me, I slipped quietly into the bathroom, and cleaned up. Afterwards, I splashed some water on my face. My skin was flushed, my eyes bright with desire. I looked thoroughly fucked, felt it too, a delicious ache between my legs.
I’d broken my promise. I was no longer treading dangerous shores with Levi, I was swimming in deep waters without a life raft.
I knew the pitfalls of loving an addict. I couldn’t fix Zephyr and deep down, I knew I couldn’t fix Levi. But I also knew I couldn’t continue working with the band and fighting the simmering connection between us.
It was either walk away and go cold turkey or throw caution to the wind and hope my heart was strong enough to survive.
When I returned to the room, my heart skipped a beat at the sight of Levi laid out on the bed. His hooded eyes found mine.
“You stayed,” I whispered.
“I never was very good at making the right decisions.”
“You wanted to leave?” Sitting on the bed, I folded my legs in front of me and gazed down at him. He’d pulled off his t-shirt and left his jeans unbuttoned, a trail of dark hair disappearing inside.
“Will you hate me if I say yes?”
“I’d rather you be honest with me than lie.” Even if it did hurt to hear him say the words.
“I didn’t want to leave you.” He wrapped a hand around my ankle. “I wanted to escape the way you make me feel.”