Missing

by Mian Mohsin Zia

  “Sorry to interrupt … but Z’s just being modest!” Howard said, looking at Z, and then carried on addressing everyone in the room. “Ladies and gentlemen, I had to interject, because if I don’t speak at this very moment, I may never say what I want to say and it would be a burden on my chest,” Howard said, looking down at the floor. He paused as if he wanted to put his thoughts in order, muster some courage, and look at the people around him again, before he continued.

  “A young guy who joins the Military may say he looks to his father as a role model, or perhaps to a teacher from high school. Or maybe his mother, or girlfriend, served as a pillar of strength for him. But my case is different. My mother and I were down and dusted when my father passed away, and I was ten. As you all know, I’m the son of a veteran, and since childhood, I was taught to be thankful and express gratitude. Z was good friends with my father. That’s how come we know each other. Afterward, without my father’s protection, things got harder to cope with at times.”

  Howard’s voice became hoarse, and Z placed his hand on Howard’s shoulder. “Z knew me when I was a kid in school. I once invited him to a football game when I was going to represent my high school for the first time, and my mother was out of town for some reason. He accepted the invitation and showed up. It was a home game at our stadium. As the match progressed, visiting team supporters started chanting slowly: ‘Nigger, Nigger, Nigger,’’ and Howard repeated the word it the way it had been chanted rhythmically in the stadium all those years ago. “I was the only black guy in the stadium,” he said, and Z nodded his head in sympathy, as he could recall that day clearly too.

  “At that moment, I felt awfully alone. Even with so many people all around the stadium, I felt entirely isolated and shamed. They made me believe that I was despicable. I couldn’t see anything, except for their hatred and my shame. I was at my wit’s end and didn’t know what to do.”

  He paused as Linda held his left hand tightly. “I was only fifteen then, but today at twenty-six, I can look back at that time with clear eyes and a clear mind and see what Z did for me. Z came into the locker room, where I was crying and broken. He sat next to me and cried with me. This white man — I don’t see him as a black man because his skin is not like mine — this white man sitting next to me cried with me. At the time, I didn’t see it the way I can see it now, and I didn’t realize what he did for me in reality. All I saw was hatred. I could hear those voices, those people chanting ‘Nigger!’ The whole town hated me. I was less than worthless to them. I felt so lonely and ashamed and went into seclusion and even stopped attending high school. But that’s not my point.

  “Z spoke to me, counseled me, and mentored me over the years. He used to take time out of his hectic schedule to help me get back on track and regain my confidence. He had his ways of doing that but never made me realize what he was trying to do for me. Slowly and steadily, things started to change. I decided to move to another town but didn’t have the money. Then he showed up and paid for my tuition to ensure I got what I deserved. At times, he used to drop my mother at the church or the grocery store or anywhere else she wanted to go. He used to call me and ask me if I needed anything while I was at the campus. Throughout that time, I used to call him and seek his advice. Whenever I called him — no matter if it was in the middle of the night or early in the morning — he’s always answered my call, listened to me patiently, and advised me to the best of his ability. He never once made me feel as if he didn’t have the time for me, or that he was busy with his stuff — though he had his things to do like everyone else. He never saw me as a black man. He saw me as a human. That’s the biggest lesson I learned from Z — that we’re all humans regardless of our color, ethnicity, nationality, race, and religion, so there’s no room for bigotry.”

  Z held Howard’s right hand to calm him down as he spoke, but the audience felt Howard’s emotions through his voice. “That’s the kind of man Z is. Today, I thank him and express my gratitude to him for being my role model. You can count on me for anything, bro. Hope I can return the favor someday,” Howard finished and hugged Z, and everyone clapped, including Linda, as she sobbed.

  *******

  “Thanks. I’ll try these new phrases you’ve just taught me with one of my new trainees at the gym,” Z said to Lena.

  “Do you have Russians in your gym? Are you a professional trainer there? Lena asked.

  “Yes, I’m a fitness trainer there. I had a new trainee a couple of days ago who’s a Russian, and these new phrases you’ve just taught me will be suitable to try out with him,” Z said with a smile, and then added, “Tak derzhat.”

  “Yes! That’s right. You asked me about my reason to learn English, but what’s your reason to learn Russian, if I may ask?”

  “It’s ‘my reason for learning English’ not ‘my reason to learn English,’” Z said to her.

  “OK, thanks. So, what’s your reason for learning Russian?” she repeated.

  “I wanted to learn it for my Angel, I mean my daughter,” Z said, as he looked at her picture. “She was interested in languages and wanted to be fluent in at least seven languages if she could, but… ” Z sighed in grief.

  “But what? Didn’t you mentioned Angel once before,” Lena sounded confused.

  “Yes, I did, but before I could explain, our conversation ended. Coming back to your question — Angel’s no longer with me. I lost her, and with her, I lost everything.” Z reacted with sorrow and pain that Lena could feel through his voice.

  “I’m so sorry to hear that. May her soul rest in peace, but what happened to her?” Lena asked while sympathizing with Z.

  “I lost her from Ewing’s Sarcoma, a rare form of cancer. She was just eight. Her name was Aaliya, but I used to call her Angel. She suffered a lot but always had a smile, so her pain wouldn’t bother me. I knew deep inside it was hurting her badly, but she didn’t want to see me break down because of it. She was unquestionably an angel with pain, and one day, she died from that pain,” Z choked. He paused momentarily, so he didn’t shed tears and break down completely.

  “Please, Z, please relax and take time to calm down, Z… ” Lena said softly. “She was indeed an angel. May the angels be with her in the heavens,” Lena’s tone softened further.

  “After she passed away, I couldn’t continue life for several months. It wasn’t that I’d lost someone near and dear for the first time, but it was the most recent time I’d lost someone who was everything to me. I… ” Z paused as if he wanted to curb his emotions again.

  “Please, Z, have some water first. Please!” Lena suggested as she sensed emotion welling up in him again.

  Z took her suggestion and had a few sips from his water bottle. “Thanks! You know what? You sound like Angel. When I first heard you, I felt as if Angel was talking to me! At times, I was stuck in memories of Angel while I was talking to you, but then I realized she won’t ever return.”

  “Hmm. I see. Maybe that’s why at times, I had to ask you something more than a couple of times before you responded, and I felt as if you were lost in your thoughts,” Lena recalled.

  “You can see her picture on my Hype profile and my HLP profile.”

  “Yes, but profile pictures are tiny for seeing properly.”

  “I’ll share her pictures via email.”

  “Sure. That would be great. What about your family and your parents? As you’re a Muslim, were you born in the US? Or are you there for work to support your family while they’re living in another country?” Lena asked.

  “Well, actually I’m a Pakistani born US national. When I was five, my father moved to the USA. Later, he got US citizenship, and when I was twelve, my mother and I joined him and moved to the US permanently too. I was their only child. I completed my education and had the honor of completing SEAL training on my first attempt. Later, I worked as a Federal Agent for the Special Investigations Authority (SIA).”

  “Oh,” Lena was all ears listening to him.

  “I serve
d my country with great pride and honor and received several medals for my service. I specialized in combat training, self-defense, strategic planning, and mentoring. That was when I got married to Sara, and Angel entered our lives,” he said and stopped as if he’d thought of something. “Just a minute, please,” he said, taking off his headset and stood up to put his phone on its charger.

  “Sure, just give me a minute as well.” Lena also took the opportunity, as if she also wanted a little break.

  Z returned, and while putting his headset on, said, “I’m back.” As there was no response, he realized Lena was still away. In the meantime, he transferred a few pictures of Angel to her via Hype.

  “I’m back. Sorry, I had to drink some water. Oh! I think you’ve sent me some pictures. They’ll download soon,” Lena said as she rejoined him.

  “It’s OK. I had to put my phone on the charger, and before you returned, I decided to send some pictures of Angel via Hype. Ones that I randomly selected. I’ll send some more via email later on.”

  “Great. In the meantime, please go on while they’re downloading.”

  “I had everything I could’ve wished for. I had a happy life, a good job, parents, wife, and a beautiful child, with all of them by my side. Life was going great for us just according to plan, but plans fail. You must have heard about 9/11.”

  “Yes! Many innocent people were killed. It was very painful,” Lena reacted in sympathy.

  “Yes, innocent people! I lost my family in 9/11. My world changed forever. The world I was living in when the sun dawned that morning was no longer the same when the sun set that evening,” Z said as his voice became intense.

  “Oh, God!” Lena exclaimed in shock.

  “Angel was at school luckily, and I was at work. Unfortunately, Sara and my parents were out shopping as they were planning Angel’s birthday party for the coming weekend. They never knew they would never return home. They were victims of one of history’s most tragic events.” Z was lost in sadness.

  “How terrible! That must have been so hard for you.”

  “Yes, it was. That was one of the toughest times in my life on a personal level. And on top of that, I also had to cope with Angel’s grief and take care of her. On a national level, it was tough, too, as I was an official in a law enforcement agency. In the absence of sanity, life seemed to be out of reach,” Z said and cleared his throat as his emotions swelled up again.

  “What a terrible loss! All of it must have been very, very hard for you.”

  Z sighed deeply.

  “Indeed! Who says innocent Muslims are not victims of terrorism? There’s no room for bigotry, but people don’t understand. The law enforcement agencies conducted several operations to combat terrorism right away and had us working around the clock. One day during an operation, I got gun powder in my eyes, which led me to being near-sighted,” Z said as he looked at the time. It was 6.29, and he thought, Maybe Lena will want to end our conversation soon.

  “So that’s why you wear glasses. I’ve looked at the pictures you sent, and in one of them, I spotted you with Angel, and I think in another picture you were with your wife,” Lena said.

  “I just randomly selected pictures and sent them. It’s nice you saw Sara as well. I’ll send more pictures of my family and us later, so you can see the people I’m talking about and love.”

  “Sure, please do. Send them via email,” Lena said, showing interest in receiving the pictures.

  “Will do.”

  “So, what happened then?” Lena asked, wanting to know more.

  “Later on, I was told I was no longer fit to carry out field operations, and I could understand that. But in reality, I was being squeezed out slowly and steadily by one of my superiors, the one who led us, as he didn’t like the fact that I was a Muslim. Several times, I had to prove myself, my loyalty, and my sincerity toward my country, which is the United States of America,” and as he said that, she could hear the passion in his voice and feel in it the love for his country.

  “Hmm… ”

  “I never denied that I was born in Pakistan — and yes, I love Pakistan, as that’s the land I came from — but I have lived here for almost twenty-five years now. Completed my education here, made a living here. This country accepted me, gave me an identity as an American, and I love it. I’m thankful to it and will continue loving it,” Z’s voice oozed with patriotism straight from his heart.

  “I never see it as a collection of individuals, or as a collection of red states and blue states. I always see it as The United States that came into existence to allow people to have freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom to practice their religion. I don’t complain just because of one narrow-minded individual and ignore all those other great people and friends I’ve come across over the last twenty-five years. However, I also want others to see it the same way as I do with a broader mind.

  “Yes, of course ….”

  “I wouldn’t have minded if those things had only happened once or twice because one person resented me being a Muslim. But there was more to it than that. It wasn’t fair. No, no, no. It shouldn’t have been like that,” he said sadly.

  “No, of course not!”

  “I’m proud to be a Muslim and will be one until the end of my life. No religion teaches terrorism. At least, Islam doesn’t. And the Holy Prophet Mohammad (Peace be Upon Him) even said that one must love the country and the people of the country one lives in. I live in the US. I love it, and I love the people of the United States of America, but some people can’t see that… ” he paused in thought before going on.

  “At times, I was spoken to patronizingly. Things weren’t said or done directly, but indirectly in a way to convey the message that I was untrustworthy. At times, my colleagues said they felt for me, but it seemed as if I wasn’t trusted by my superior.”

  “That’s terrible!”

  “It had an impact on my promotion, appraisal… all those things,” Z said, pausing while he got lost again in his memories.

  “If the greats like Martin Luther King and Roosevelt were still living, they wouldn’t have liked it either. No, not at all. I was hurt as badly as anyone else because of 9/11 as I lost my dear family in it. I was at the receiving end of people’s ill feelings too, and I wasn’t the only one. 9/11 hit all of us and created insecurity amongst everyone. Muslims and Asians especially were in a panic across the US. I know this well because all of us in the law enforcement agencies witnessed that more closely than anyone else,” he said as he looked at the time again.

  “Yes, that was in the news too. It was such a world-shattering event.”

  Z was quiet for a moment.

  “At times, I used to listen to the legendary Michael Jackson’s famous song, ‘They don’t really care about us.’ At times, that song felt as if it had been written just for me. I’d lost my family in 9/11. I had to take care of myself, and most importantly, I had to take care of Angel at such a testing time, but for me, national duty was above and beyond everything. I showed up at work as that was the time my country needed me the most, but unfortunately, some people treated me as if I was vermin. Actions do speak louder than words,” Z said, as he took a huge breath.

  “Yes, it’s so weird that people behave like that.”

  “It stuck in my craw when certain things were said, that weren’t right. Your statement that ‘Sticks and stones can break our bones, but words cannot hurt me. Wrong!’ unmistakably grabbed my attention because it’s so true,” Z spoke with feeling, but it lessened a bit, as something fell into his memory.

  “I once read somewhere that swords, knives, and daggers fought to see who would leave an indelible mark, but words were sitting in the background smiling, knowing all the while that they were what would leave an indelible mark,” he reminisced.

  “That’s so very true and very well put,” Lena remarked, sounding as if she loved this way of putting things.

  “Finally, I was sidelined, told I was no longer fit for fi
eld operations, my area of expertise. I quit. Angel and I returned to LA… but it didn’t end there, unfortunately,” Z said ominously, running his hands through his hair.

  “Previously, there’d been times when I was hardly at home — I was on duty, or my team was deployed somewhere that required us to travel. After returning to LA from New York, I had to start anew. I spent most of my time with Angel and became an instructor at the gym, where I used to train before I’d joined the SIA and moved to New York. Slowly and steadily, things started settling down. But life is nothing but unpredictable. Angel fell ill. She was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma and needed my complete attention, as there was no one else to look after her,” he sighed.

  “Oh, God!” Lena exclaimed in sorrow.

  “I invested all my savings — sold my house, sold everything — to save her. We even moved to this apartment here in LA, where I still live. I tried everything, but I couldn’t save her, and last Christmas, she left me,” he paused, lost in thought again.

  “You know, she was a very sensitive girl. She couldn’t bear the loss of her mother and her grandparents. She so took it to heart,” Z said, looking at Angel’s picture with a sad smile on his face.

  “Poor little Angel,” Lena sympathized.

  “I also believe that deep down inside, she knew what had happened to me at work. At times, my colleagues used to call and visit us, and she used to ask me why I was no longer on duty.”

  “Children may not say, but they do understand everything,” Lena commiserated.

  “Yes, that’s true! After she passed, it seemed everything had ended for me. I had trouble staying at home. I spent most of my time at the gym to keep myself away from the apartment. It reminded me of her too much,” Z shuddered at his memories of that time.

  “Mr. Marshal, the owner of the gym, is also a good friend of mine. He’s been looking after me. On and off over the years, he’d talk to me to help me deal with my trauma so that I could find some composure. One day just recently, he handed me a pamphlet for HLP and encouraged me to do something that Angel had always wanted — or at least divert my attention. And that’s how I came to meet you, and here we are,” Z said, as he finished his story and took a few more sips from his water bottle.