by Willow Aster
A FEW HOURS later, Mama’s hand is on my shoulder. She pushes my hair back. “Caroline,” she whispers, “Thomas and Clara Mae will be here shortly. Why don’t we freshen you up a little bit.”
“No, I don’t want to see them. I can’t get up, I’m too tired.”
Mama doesn’t know what to do with this. She has a little crease between her eyebrows. She doesn’t know whether to push me or not. I turn over and go back to sleep.
An hour later, she wakes me again. “Caroline…” This time she speaks a little more forcefully. “They’re going to be here any minute. Let’s at least wash you up with this washcloth and spray a little perfume on you. And here, you can brush your teeth right here.”
“No. I said I don’t want to see them. Tell them I’m sleeping. I can’t…”
Her jaw clenches and she wavers for a moment, trying to decide what to do next. I’ve never told her no. Finally she makes up her mind and leans down by my ear. “They’re on their way here and you’re going to see them. You need friends like Thomas and Clara Mae. After what’s happened to you, no one will want to have anything to do with you. At least they’re making an effort, and you’re going to do whatever you have to do to maintain some sort of dignity.”
She grips my arms and the pain shoots through me as she lifts me up. It takes all my will to not just limply fall back. I have no strength to fight her. I let her fluff my hair, brush my teeth, and pinch my cheeks. She smooths down my collar and plumps the pillow behind me. Once she’s satisfied, she stands up. I lean back on the pillow and fall asleep again. I don’t know how much time passes, but I wake to the sounds of talking around me.
“She looks so beautiful lying there,” Mrs. Owens says.
“Is she feeling okay?” That’s Clara Mae.
I open my eyes and stare back at them.
“Oh, Caroline. It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry I didn’t come to the hospital. Well, I did come to the hospital in the beginning, but you didn’t know I was there. And it was just so scary. The police were everywhere and you looked just awful, Caroline…so bad. I couldn’t even tell it was you at first. Mama thought it would be better if we waited until you came home so we…wouldn’t bother…you.” Clara Mae pauses and looks at her mother for reinforcement.
“Yes, Caroline, we’ve been keeping up with your progress through your mother. You can imagine how difficult it was for Clara Mae to see you like that.”
I nod.
Thomas is standing behind everyone. I glance at him, but he doesn’t look at me.
Clara Mae sits on the side of the couch and takes my hand. “Your mama says you’re leaving. Is that true?” Her eyes look ready to spill over.
“I think at least for a little while,” Mama speaks up. “Until all of this is resolved.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” Clara Mae cries. “And I can’t believe you’re leaving.”
Everything goes silent. I can’t think of anything I want to say, so we just sit quietly for a while.
Mrs. Owens—won’t you please call me Suzanne—leans over and pats my hand. Thomas is over at our bookshelves, fingering the books. Clara Mae begins nervously chatting about their vacation. I nod at the appropriate intervals and she’s satisfied. The night will seemingly never end. It’s too hard to be normal. When they finally leave, I go to my room, shut the door and cry.
Thomas didn’t look at me once.
OVER THE NEXT two days, I sleep a lot. It’s the only thing in life I really want to do. When I’m awake, my mom is asking which things I want to take. We’re leaving our furniture here because Dad doesn’t want to sell the house, and Mama doesn’t want to take any of this ‘garbage’ with her. There really isn’t much to take, other than books and clothes. My mom tries to talk me out of the books, but that’s all I care to take.
We’re leaving day after tomorrow. My mom has gotten a job in San Antonio and you would think it was Washington, DC, for how she is going on about it. She keeps muttering about how Grant was good for something, so I think he must have pulled some strings to get her this job.
Mama hasn’t talked to me about her conversation with Daddy, other than to say he’s sorry he can’t be here. He says he’ll come see us when we’re settled. When I hear this, it sinks in that we really are leaving. I don’t bother hoping Daddy will really come.
Knowing I may never see Isaiah again, I feel a sudden panic. I try to devise ways to sneak out to see him. Maybe if I call him, he would meet me somewhere. But as I’m planning, I know that I’m too scared to do anything outside these four walls. It’s a helpless feeling.
I’m still angry with him. It washes over me like a dark thunderous cloud. It stuns me, the depth of anger I feel toward him, and yet, it’s a relief. The anger slightly lessens the ache. If I didn’t love him so much, I could just hate him and walk away from here and never think about him again. That would definitely be easier.
Mama walks by my room as I’m standing by my bed. I want to be pacing, but it just tires me out. Mama knocks lightly on the open door.
“Everything okay, Caroline?”
“Would you take me somewhere, Mama?”
“Okay. Where is it you’d like to go?”
“I need to go see Sadie and Isaiah.”
It comes out before I can stop it. Even angry, I have to say goodbye to him. I can’t leave this way.
Mama’s face darkens a bit when I say this. She appreciates what they did for me and was polite when she saw Sadie at the hospital, but I know she hoped it would end once I came home.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea, Caroline?”
“I need to see them, Mama. I can’t leave without telling them goodbye.”
“I’m just not sure it’s even safe. I mean, they know those boys’ families. They’re probably friends with them.”
“They’re not friends with Leroy and Les, Mama.”
“How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“Well, I don’t know about going to that side of town.”
“It’s just the other side of the fields and down the street. It’s so close.”
“Yes, but we don’t belong over there, Caroline. It’ll just stir up trouble for two white people to go in that neighborhood, especially you right now. If anyone sees us going in their house—I just don’t know what they’d say.”
“You think I care what people say?” I yell. “Look at me. Take a good long look at me.” I point to the scar on my neck. “There’s no hiding this. The whole town knows what happened. Do you know how humiliating that is? You think I care if someone sees me going inside Isaiah’s house? I just need to see him. I have to see him.”
“Why, Caroline? What does that boy have to do with anything—besides finding you?”
It’s all too much. I explode.
“He came looking for me! He knew I was in trouble. He saved my life. Isaiah is my best friend, Mama. For years, he has been the person who cares about me the most. I love him. If I didn’t live in this crazy place, I would marry Isaiah Washington.”
I didn’t really mean to say all this, but once it comes out, it feels pretty good. I take a deep breath.
“He was there when no one else was, and I have to tell him goodbye,” I finish quietly.
For once, my mother is stunned speechless. She stands there with her mouth open and stares at me for a full minute. I stare back, daring her to object.
“Do you mean to tell me you’ve been hanging out with these black boys?” The anger drips off her words.
“No, I haven’t been hanging out with these ‘black boys’,” I mimic. “I’ve been hanging out with Isaiah.”
Her face gets red, with a white line around her lips. She looks angrier than I’ve ever seen her and I’ve seen her angry plenty. She walks up to me, grabs my arm and drags me in front of the mirror. The motion sends a sharp pain to my ribs.
“What do you see when you look in the mirror?” She spits out. She begins crying; she’s so mad
.
I stare at her through the mirror. I won’t look at myself.
She grabs my chin and tries to force me to look at my reflection.
“What do you see? Because I’ll tell you what I see…I see a beautiful girl who doesn’t know the beginning of the mess she’s created. I see someone who could have anything she wanted one day, she’s that pretty and smart. And she’d rather throw it all away!” She jerks her hand away as if I’m contagious. “How dare you! After the way I’ve raised you! How dare you. Let me tell you something, you stupid, worthless girl. You can’t go traipsing around with the likes of them. You think you’re in love? You’re a child. You don’t know love. You want to know something? You asked for what happened to you. Do you know that? You asked for this.”
I turn around so fast, it startles her. The slap rings out like a whip on a racehorse. My cheek stings when she slowly lowers her hand. I place my fingerprints where her hand has just been and walk out my bedroom door.
I'm an open wound with her. I ooze and bleed. Scab over. Heal. She picks it open again.
Scab. Heal. Scar.
I pick up the phone in the kitchen. I hear someone saying, “Hello, hello?” before I can dial anything.
“Hello?”
“Caroline?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Thomas. Please don’t hang up. I need to apologize.”
“Will you come get me?”
He pauses for a second. “I’ll be right there.”
WE DON’T SPEAK for the first five minutes. Thomas drives to the river and stops in front of a clearing. He hops out of the car and runs around the other side to open the door for me as I hobble out. No mention is made of my red-rimmed eyes or sniffling, but I know he took note as soon as he saw me.
We walk to the water and I sit down on a log. I pick up a few rocks and throw them in the water.
“You didn’t look at me the other night,” I start.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s difficult seeing you like this.”
“Like what?”
He looks up at me for a moment. “Hard.”
“Oh.”
“And…I think I’ve been a little mad at you too. I was angry that you didn’t like me back and then all this happened. I know it’s crazy, but I thought if you’d been with me, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m mad at you.”
“Oh. Well, why did you call to apologize?”
“I can’t stay mad at you. You were right to be upset with me. I’m sorry I was such a jerk.”
“You’re not a jerk…well, not a complete jerk.”
Thomas laughs. “Yes, I have been. Look at me, Caroline.” He tips my face up to his. “I’m sorry I didn’t look at you the other night. I don’t know how to make this better. I feel so bad about what happened to you. I want to kill those guys, I’m so angry. I wish I could make it all go away.”
“You can’t.”
“I know and I hate it. I hate what they did to you.”
He picks up a stone and hurls it across the water. He turns around to look at me again.
“I’m glad you asked me to come. Is everything…are you feeling all right?”
I take a deep breath and look out at the water. “I don’t know. Everything is so messed up. I don’t know how anything will ever be right again. I had to get out of the house—fight with my mother.”
I wince thinking about the horrible things she said…and the fact that she slapped me. I don’t know how to get past that.
Thomas notices my wince and waits for me to say more.
“When I picked up the phone to call Nellie, you were already on the line. It helps that you have a car.” I thump his arm, trying to lighten the mood.
“Hey! So that’s all I’m good for, huh, a car?” He softly thumps me back.
“Pretty much.”
“Well, now I know where I stand.”
“Yeah, about that. You were just making me nervous…with the whole persistent thing. I needed a friend. I need a friend.”
“I can do that. Well, as much as I can be since you’re moving about a thousand miles away.”
“Oh yeah,” I sigh, “that might be a problem.”
WE SIT THERE in playful conversation for a while, feeling more comfortable around each other than we have in a while. My stomach growls and Thomas smiles over at me.
“How about we go to Harriet’s? They would be so happy to see you there.”
I bite the inside of my jaw until it stings. “Well, I would love to see Ruby and Miss Sue. Maybe Miss Greener will even be there…this is her day to go to Harriet’s.”
I’m nervous, but when we arrive, all my favorite customers are there. I’m bombarded with hugs and greetings before we sit down. Ruby comes out of the kitchen when she hears I’m there.
“Well, as I live and breathe. You grow another foot since a few days ago?” she says as I stand up to hug her.
“Hi, Ruby.” I can’t stop hugging her.
“You look good, sugar. You feelin’ any better?” Her eyes search mine.
I nod.
“I been so worried about you…and missin’ you. I got attached to seeing you every day.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I hug her again. “Are you going to write to me, Ruby?”
“Girl, you gon’ be piled up with letters. You know I ain’t got no life ‘sides Harriet’s.” She beams at me with those beautiful white teeth and it takes my breath away.
“I can’t stand to leave you, Ruby.” I hug her again and the tears fall.
“Oh honey, I know, I can’t even think about it…let’s not start all this ballyhoo ‘fore you even eatin’.” She lifts my shoulders back and pats my hair. “Now, I got just the thing for you…”
She cooks a feast for us, and we eat every bite. Delicious fried chicken with sweet potato casserole and collard greens. While we’re eating, Leroy’s brother, Tuck, walks in. The restaurant goes still. I feel all eyes on the two of us while he walks to the counter. He turns around and sets eyes on me. He saunters over, looking more like Leroy now.
He leans over into my ear, but talks loud enough for those close to hear him.
“You need to call the police off my brother and Les. Tell ‘em what really happened…you makin’ up stories tryin’ to get attention. You need to call the dogs off ‘em.”
Thomas and a few other men jump up and pin Tuck to the wall. He raises his hands and they walk him outside. Before he’s outside, he yells, “This ain’t fair. You know it’s just ‘cause she’s white. She says whatever she wants and you take her word for it. My brother didn’t touch her.”
My breathing becomes shallow. If I could just catch one good breath. Panic. I shake and sweat and the room goes black. When I open my eyes, I’m in an ambulance with oxygen on my nose and mouth. They ask me a bunch of questions, and I feel silly for even being here.
I’m wheeled into a room and Dr. Niles finds me. “What are you doing back here? I thought we’d gotten rid of you,” he says lightly, peering into my eyes with a flashlight.
“I’m fine. I don’t need to be here.”
“Really. Well, I hear you passed out.”
“I just couldn’t breathe well for a minute there…”
“Well, let’s find out what that’s about.”
He asks tons of questions and runs a scan. Everything looks normal. The next time he comes in, he talks to me in a soft, kind voice. His tone suggests he’s doing everything he can to keep from upsetting me. He also gives me a new medication and says I need to stay on it for a few months. I tell him I’m leaving Tulma, and he says to find a good doctor in San Antonio. I get the feeling he means a psychiatrist.
When he leaves, my mother comes in the room. She comes timidly to the bed and puts her hand on the sheets.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“Dr. Niles says you can go home if you’d like.”
“I don’t want to go back there. I can’t stay in that house. Just go
ing down the road…it’s too hard. I can’t stop seeing…”
She wrings her hands. “We’re leaving tomorrow morning, Caroline. It’s just one more night.”
“I have to see Sadie and Isaiah before I go.”
Her eyes stare at me with steel. “You know where I stand on that.”
“It’s the only way I’ll go anywhere with you.”
AS I WALK up the driveway, I see Sadie washing dishes through the window. My mother sits in the car and when Isaiah opens the front door, she drives away. Before I got out of the car, she said I had fifteen minutes to say everything I want to say. She’ll be back in fifteen minutes on the dot. She can wait until hell freezes over, as far as I’m concerned.
My hands begin to shake when I see Isaiah. If he’s surprised, he doesn’t show it. His eyes slowly take me in, and he moves toward me as if he might hug me but then stops himself.
He says, “Hello, Caroline,” and it’s then that I hear the slight tremor in his voice, letting me know he isn’t as calm as he appears. I step inside. Instantly, I’ve entered a warm haven. I’ve always wanted to be right here.
The room is small, but inviting. Quilts layer the couch and chair; the colors dark plum and green. On a hutch, a couple of Francie and Crissy dolls stand in glamorous pink outfits. It makes me smile that Sadie has these. I have the white versions at home.
Pictures of Isaiah at all ages line the wall. One particularly endearing photo is of him around two years old, holding a bunny. His eyes stood out even then; a light brown with flecks of green. He was one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen.
“Caroline, it’s lovely to see you. We’ve been thinking about you ’round the clock.” Sadie gives me a hug before getting ice tea for the three of us. We sit down in the living room.
“We’ve been staying close to home since you got out of the hospital, just in case you called,” Isaiah says. “Mama heard you were…leaving soon and we were hoping you would…call before you left-” His voice breaks and he shakes his head. “I was scared you wouldn’t, but Mama said you would.”
“I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. We’re leaving in the morning.”