by Willow Aster
When I turn toward my house, my heart stops cold. Leroy and Les are in front of my house, waiting. I look around and don’t see another person in sight. Immediately, I turn around and start running toward town. The peaches go flying. The rattle of their bikes is just behind me. I stumble and scrape my knee on the gravel. The pause is enough for them to almost catch up to me. I jump up and run as hard as I can.
Leroy reaches me first and shoves me into the trees. I try to get loose, but he has a firm grip on me.
“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.” He laughs.
IT’S STRANGE THE things you remember. When I think back on this day, I’ll think of how the air smells, all heavy and humid. The peach trees swaying in the breeze, their scent combining with sweat and dirt. The white shoes on my feet, muddied in the dirt. My yellow dress…the blue, blue sky... a bird I keep trying to hear over my cries.
I didn’t know anyone could be so cruel. I fight with everything I have, but Leroy is stronger than me. He punches me in the stomach, taking my breath. He pulls chunks of my hair out as I hit and kick and bite. I try so hard to get away and it only makes him fight harder. It feels like I’m in a dream where I want to run quickly and I’m in slow motion, not actually moving at all. Nothing I do works.
He knocks me down on the grass and I still try to crawl away. He has a knife. He cuts my leg and when I stop crawling, he puts the knife on my throat. It’s the knife he had at the flower shop that day. I recognize it and I go still. He wants to kill me. The hate in his eyes; I just know.
“You don’t need to fight me, you know you want me,” he says.
The tears spill over and I can’t see anything for a minute. I blink and kick him again. When I do, the knife digs into my skin. I yell and he leans on me, his face in mine.
“Look, you filthy bitch, you can stop yellin’. Ain’t no one out here. Les is keepin’ watch. You may as well just save your breath.” He laughs again and puts the knife on my cheek. “Come on, don’t make me mess up that pretty face.”
He rips off my yellow dress with his other hand, the buttons popping with little pings on my arm. He grips me so hard, my breath comes out in squeaks. He pulls down his pants. I squeeze my eyes shut and beg God to please not let this happen.
The knife gets loose and since my arms are pinned, I bite until I make him bleed. He yelps and this just makes him mad. He beats me until every inch of me is bruised. I’m numb and almost out of fight. Somehow I get out from under him and try to get up and run, but I only make it a few feet. When he tries to knock me down, I kick him in the groin and he doubles over, groaning.
I turn around and try to make my way through the peach trees. If I can just make it to the Talbot house, I can find someone to help me. I’m almost to the pond. The house is just on the other side of the pond. He’s running behind me, his breath coming out in shallow bursts. I think they’re both chasing me. My legs feel like lead, but I keep pushing myself. I won’t stop running. I won’t stop running. I won’t…
I round a tree and see the water. Please let someone be at the house. Please, please, please. Out of breath. They’re getting closer. I feel the heat from his body. Too close. And then Les takes hold of me and I’m on the ground. He kicks me until I’m wheezing for air.
Leroy takes over then and he’s on top of me, crushing my ribs, ripping my underwear as he pulls it down, hurting me…
I give up. My eyes are swollen; one is all the way shut and the other is a tiny slit, but I stare at the sky, not really seeing it. I listen for that bird. Maybe if I really concentrate, I can hear it.
Leroy keeps screaming at me to shut up, but I think he must be talking to someone else. It cannot be me making that noise.
“I’m gonna teach you a lesson,” he says over and over. “And then I’m gonna slit your throat and watch you bleed.”
The bird sings a pretty melody, almost making it sound like a magical day in the forest. Like Snow White might come out at any moment. I struggle to hear that song. My eyes close all the way now.
When Leroy is done, he climbs off of me and gives me one final kick in the stomach. Les comes back for his turn, but I’m barely coherent. I taste blood and try not to swallow it. I swim in and out of consciousness until the weight of Les is gone. Metallic meets my neck. I wish God would just take me now. I don’t know how much time passes before I hear them laughing as they leave me in the dirt.
And then blessed darkness.
I’M IN A field of white daisies. Everywhere I look there is white. The sky is white, the ground is white, the flowers are white…I see the angels Isaiah wrote about in my birthday card. They’re lifting me up; holding me. Dressed in white. The only color is their eyes and their long black hair. Their skin is luminous. All light. Beautiful. I’m happy to know they’re real.
Floating. In the air. Being held. Warm. I’m in a nice place that I never want to leave.
I hear them talking. I don’t really want to listen, but they’re trying to tell me something. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe in all the white. They’re persistent. I’ll try hard to listen later.
Caroline! Again and again. It sounds like a song on their lips. Caroline! Caroline!
I shake my head. No, I’m resting now. I sleep a deep sleep surrounded by white daisies, a white sky and angels made of light with black hair.
“CAROLINE! CAN YOU hear me, honey? Caroline! Help me pick her up, son. Can you lift her? Careful…oh my soul, this child is hurt…”
“I’ve got her, Mama. I’ve got her.”
“Okay, I’ll help you hold her steady. Let’s walk real slow. We have to get this baby to the hospital.”
“Let’s take her home first. Please. Maybe I can find her mother before we take her to the hospital.”
“I don’t think we have time, son.”
“Please, I gave her my word.”
“I’m sorry, honey, we can wait.”
I WAKE UP gasping for air. I’ve dreamed this exact dream every night for the last three and a half weeks. Each time I wake up, I remember another detail. The tone of his voice…the fear in the air…they thought I was dying…
I’m getting out of the hospital today. My mother has come back. I’m pretty sure Nellie and Grandpaw hunted her down. For the first two weeks, a variety of people held my hand: Nellie, Grandpaw, Miss Greener, and Ruby, even Miss Sue.
Ruby has come to see about me every day, and she calls every night before I fall asleep, without fail. I don’t know how I would have survived without her. The only one who has been here the most, besides Ruby, is Sadie. She was the first face I saw when I woke from the coma. She held my hair back when I threw up in the bucket by the bed. She washed my face with a warm washcloth and held my hand while I cried.
I’ve seen Isaiah twice since everything happened, not because he hasn’t tried to see me. I just haven’t been able to see him. The day after I woke up, he came in with Sadie. He leaned over my bed and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Caroline, so sorry…”
I couldn’t stop crying and the nurse made him leave. I couldn’t look at him. It hurt too much. I knew he was the one who found me and I should thank him, but knowing that he knew…it was just too much.
The second time I saw him through the door. Sadie walked in and he was standing by her, but stepped back as she came inside. Sadie brought a note from him that day, but I still haven’t read it.
My headaches are getting better. The first week and a half, I didn’t want to live, my head pounded so hard. Gradually, the pain has eased and it has been much more bearable. All of my stitches have been removed. I had twelve stitches on my neck and fourteen on my leg. My ribs should be feeling better and better the next few weeks. I have three broken ribs and there really isn’t much you can do for that. The concussion…for the first few days, I was woken every hour and checked non-stop to make sure I hadn’t slipped into a coma.
The police have questioned me thoroughly since I woke up and I’ve told them all I can remember. The
y’re searching for Leroy and Les but still haven’t been able to find them. Sometimes I dream that Leroy is here in this room, and I wake up in a cold sweat, crying. I think they took off as soon as they left me to die. For the first few days, the police were hanging around to see if I would live or die. Once I regained consciousness, they pounced on me to get my statement.
I’m feeling much better physically, but my head hasn’t wrapped around the idea of what really happened to me. I don’t know if I can be normal again. Everything I’ve ever known has shifted. I can’t imagine ever being the same. I dread leaving these secure walls and going back out in the real world.
My mother says we have to leave Tulma. The whole town knows what happened to me. Word spread quickly that the girl from Harriet’s...you know, Jenny Carson’s girl, Caroline...she was raped by two black boys. My mother says no one will be able to forget and we have to go somewhere to start over.
I can’t think about leaving. I’m not ready to go. This place is all I’ve ever known. But she insists we go...the sooner, the better. I believe she also had a falling out with Grant and that helped matters along, but maybe she really is trying to do the right thing by me. I’m having a hard time being in the same room with her. I can’t imagine starting over someplace we’ve never been...together.
She came back a little over a week ago. I had been in here for two weeks by then and was starting to believe she was never coming. Nellie and Grandpaw weren’t talking about it, but I could tell they were stewing about her. They had no clue she had been gone in the first place. I think they were pretty aggravated with me for not letting them know. For my part, I’ve been too lethargic with all the medicine they’re giving me to be too concerned about any of it.
But when I actually saw her—she came in crying and hasn’t stopped. I think she might really be sorry for leaving me. I don’t know...but she has been very sweet and attentive. Well, she’s being as attentive as she can be. She seems rather excited about leaving. Maybe once I can stop being so angry with her, this will be the right thing for us.
My dad still hasn’t come. I’m afraid if we leave, I’ll never see him again. As hurt as I am that he hasn’t shown his face, I can’t imagine him not knowing where to find me if he does want to someday.
Thomas and Clara Mae are coming to the house tonight. They stayed in town and Mama says they’ve been worried sick. Mrs. Owens has called several times to check on me. I can tell by my mother’s side of the conversation that they’re trying to talk us out of leaving.
Last week, Ruby told me the house Leroy and Les used to stay in has had several “accidents.” Bricks were thrown in the windows; someone tried to start a fire, but another neighbor put it out. She whispered about the Klan and I shuddered to think those men were out there trying to fight my cause. I didn’t ask them for help. I despise everything the Klan stands for. Even Nellie and Grandpaw don’t agree with the things the Klan does, although I think Grandpaw would like to nail Leroy’s and Les’s hides to the side of a cliff…actually he’d like to do a good many more things than that, but that’s what he goes around saying…with tears in his eyes.
I asked Sadie about it when she came. She had heard about the Klan incident and said Les’s aunt owns that house and one of her little boys was injured from one of the bricks coming in the window. That has eaten me up ever since. Between thinking about everything that happened to me, I’m horrified thinking about what harm is being done, all in the name of justice. I can’t believe what an ugly world this can be.
But Sadie and Ruby…when they’re here, I feel loved. I’ve been surprised by Sadie’s affection. I knew Ruby loved me, but Sadie has treated me with such care. Her eyes take me in, really seeing me for who I am. She listens to everything I say and tells me fun stories to help pass the time. It feels as if I have known her forever. I can’t bear to think of not seeing her again.
We talk about everything but Isaiah. She has only mentioned him twice. The first time was when she gave me the note. All she said then was, “Isaiah wanted you to have this.”
On her third visit, she mentioned him again when telling how they found me and everything that happened that day. I had asked her each time, but she would shake her head. I told her I needed to know—how did they know where to find me?
ISAIAH WAS OUT working on his bike that afternoon. He was pumping air into his tires and polishing the chrome. He heard some commotion in the street and it was Leroy and Les. They were laughing and reaching out to give each other high fives across the handlebars on their bikes.
Isaiah heard Leroy say something (Sadie won’t tell me what he said) that let him know they were talking about me and then he saw blood on both of them.
He ran in to tell Sadie what he had seen and she wouldn’t let him go without her. They went to my house first and when I wasn’t there, they began looking for me, calling my name…
Out past Talbot’s pond, they heard moaning and searched until they found me.
The tears didn’t stop coming when Sadie recalled seeing me lying there in the dirt. What scared them the most was the cut in my neck and the bump on my head. I lost a lot of blood. They were scared to even move me, but knew they had to get me to the hospital fast.
“But you’re a fighter, sweet Caroline,” she said. “I’ve never seen someone so determined to live.”
My blood pressure dropped dramatically and when I didn’t wake up for a couple of days, it seemed like I might never come back around.
I listen as if I’m hearing a story about a stranger. It feels surreal. It’s as if I’m standing on the outside of a cloudy window, trying to peer in, because this surely did not really happen to me.
Here I am, though. The aches and pains in my body and the mess going on in my head are proof that it did indeed happen. I go over the details all day, over and over. Was there something I could have done differently? What if I had fought harder? Why did I give up? How could they do that? What’s wrong with me?
And then…Isaiah will never look at me the same again. Everyone is going to think I’m dirty. I deserve this. My friends are going to hate me now. No one will be able to treat me like a normal person.
Then I cry. And we start the whole cycle over again. I cry myself to sleep…dream…wake up to the reality of this cold room.
Mama’s right. We have to leave.
MY MOTHER COMES in with a new outfit. I can count on one hand the times I’ve had store-bought clothes, so this should feel like a special occasion. It feels a little silly putting on these nice clothes just to get in the car and go home, but I’m happy I don’t have to go home alone and that my mom seems to be trying to make a nice gesture. I’m trying to be grateful for that.
“Today’s the day, Caroline. You ready to get home?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She helps me step into the pale blue jumpsuit. Yes, pants! She is trying to make an effort.
She smooths down my hair as I button the last button. She hasn’t mentioned my frizzy curls. Maybe I’ll even be able to keep it like this. The pink foam rollers are just not going to happen.
She picks up my bag and we step outside the room. On each side of the hall, the doctors and nurses who have taken care of me are standing, smiling, and wishing me well. Dr. Niles is beaming most of all, and my nurse, Valerie is wiping her eyes, smiling her huge grin.
When I step outside, the heat is stifling, and it hits me how long it has been since I’ve been outside. I feel a wave of grief and I stagger for a moment, overcome with emotion. Then I remember everyone is watching me and bidding me farewell, so I lift my shoulders, turn around and wave, get in the car, and we go home.
MY MOTHER IS awkward on the drive home. She doesn’t know what to say to me now. She didn’t really know what to say to me before, so I realize it won’t be any easier for us to talk now. I take a deep gasp of air, realizing as my ribs ache that I’ve been holding my breath. I don’t want to be alone with her. I wish I could be with Ruby or Sadie—or pretty muc
h anyone other than my mother.
We drive down our road. The peach trees are waving in the breeze. I try to look at them and not see the scenes of that day playing in my head, but it’s hard to concentrate on what is really before me. I’m reliving those moments in this very field.
You’re getting what you deserve. You’re white trash…I’m gonna teach you a lesson…
On and on, the record plays in my head. Words I don’t even recognize coming out of Leroy’s mouth—the meaning becoming clear as he wracks my body with hate. The shadow of Les’s ugly face, not looking at me at all, but hating me and himself more with every movement.
I don’t realize I’m shaking until we’re stopped in our driveway. My mother is in front of me, fanning me, saying, “Caroline, Caroline…do you hear me? Do you hear me, Caroline?”
“I can’t breathe.” The tears are rushing down my face.
“You can, you can breathe. Just try to get one good, deep breath.”
She begins taking slow, deep breaths and in a few minutes, I do feel calmer. My heart is still beating in frantic beats, but the more breaths I take, the slower my heart races. I have sweat dripping off my head and back. Everything in me wants to turn around and go back to the hospital. Why did I think I could come back here?
“Let’s get you in the house. You’ll feel better inside.”
She pulls me out of the car and I lean on her as we walk into my house. I look around, wishing my Dad would walk out of the kitchen and surprise me, but he doesn’t.
Mama leads me to the couch and I lie down. Everything feels so heavy. My arms are weighing me down. My legs are heavily anchored to the couch. If I wanted to lift my head, I could not. I’m overwrought with weariness. My mother talks in the distance, but I can’t listen anymore.