by Willow Aster
We give up around five that night.
“What if he takes night classes?” I ask as we get in the car.
“We need to eat, honey. Keep your strength up. You’ve given Gracie all your snacks today.”
We come across a Popeye’s and I’m reminded of that day here so long ago. I wonder if he thinks of that every time he passes it…that I abandoned him while he went to get me food. The guilt drowns me. If what Daddy said is true and Isaiah never got my letter and looked for me for a whole year and a half…and is finally moving on…why would I turn his life upside down now?
I look out my window, miserable. For Gracie. I need to swallow my guilt and my pride…and move heaven and hell to make sure they have a relationship.
THE NEXT MORNING, we are about to go out the door when our phone rings. Dad and I both pause, and then I say, “It’s probably just the front desk wondering when we’re checking out.”
“Probably,” he says.
I answer it.
“Sugar? That you?”
“Ruby! Yes. Is everything all right?”
“Yes, baby girl. Listen, ‘member that cousin I told you ’bout that was friends with Sadie back in the day?”
“Yeah, kinda…”
“Well, you’re not ‘gon believe it, but she called me this mornin’ and she say she saw Isaiah in Tulma.”
“No! Was she sure?”
“She sho was. She say it is him and lord did she evah go on about his good manners…”
“She talked to him?”
“She sho did. And said he was the sweetest thing. She also itchin’ to introduce him to her granddaughter, but I told her she better leave him alone.”
I laugh at her.
“Girl, it is good to hear you laugh. Now you better get on over to Tulma. He ain’t in Memphis!”
“Okay, Ruby. I’ll tell Dad and see what we need to do.”
We hang up and I tell him everything.
“I can’t go to Tulma, though. It just…I can’t,” I tell him.
“I’ll drive over there…you stay here, have a day or two at the pool with Gracie. I’ll go find him. It will be much easier to find him in Tulma than here.”
“Thank you, Dad. I appreciate you doing all this.”
“You’re welcome, sweetie. It’s the least I can do.” He goes to his suitcase to take out a cooler shirt and stops halfway to the bathroom. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this. Can you call Ruby back and have her call her cousin back…to get Sadie’s number?”
I whack my head with my palm. “Yes! I was not cut out for this!”
My dad laughs at me.
I call Ruby right away and within ten minutes, she calls me back.
“Here ’tis. Oh girl, I can’t believe you gon’ find him!” She sounds so excited.
I hand the number to Dad and he calls Sadie. I bite my nails while he dials. My heart stops when he says, “Hello? This is Dan Carson. Is this Sadie Washington?”
And it plummets all the way back to Bardstown when he says, “It is! Hello, Sadie, I’m so glad we found you!” He gives me a wide-eyed grin and continues talking to her. “He is? Well, I’ve been looking for him too. I’ve been out of town for a while. Mm-hmm, been visiting my daughter.” He laughs then and I get choked up.
Sadie. I wonder if she still thinks of me with as much love as I think of her.
“She’s doing really well, Sadie. Really well. Yes, ma’am, she is. I know it, makes me so happy too. She’s been in Kentucky. Yes. Mm-hmm. We sure did…I guess we didn’t go far enough into the country, she was there…so is…yes, I know it. Is Isaiah there, by any chance?”
He looks at me and grins again.
“I can’t believe it. Well, are you able to tell him to come on home? Oh, he will? I think we can stick around until then.” He laughs. “Yes! We sure are. She’s here with me.”
He throws his head back and laughs again. I grin in spite of myself.
“I’m not lying, she’s here with me.”
He holds the phone out and I hear Sadie wailing and thanking the good Lord Jesus and God Almighty…Peter, James and John too.
I put my head in my hands and weep.
My dad puts his hand on my shoulder, and I sit down on the bed.
When he speaks again, his voice trembles. “I sure am grateful too. Yes, ma’am, hang on, I’ll get one.” He pulls a pad of paper out of the motel desk. “Okay, shoot. Mm-hmm. Yes. Oh, is that by the new white brick bank there on the corner? I know right where that is. Okay, yes. Got it…what time would you like us?”
“All right, we’ll be there.”
He gets off and I stare at him expectantly. “When? Tomorrow night, the next day?”
“Tonight at five.”
There went my stomach dropping again.
I’M READY BY three and pace the motel floor, back and forth, back and forth. Gracie trails me the first twenty minutes, until I even wear her out.
“I need another shower,” I mumble and head to the bathroom to at least freshen up with a washcloth, since I don’t want to do my hair all over again.
I come back out and start pacing again. It’s been three years and four months since I’ve seen him. A lifetime ago. I’ve grown up and so has he.
“Relax, Caroline. It’s gonna be okay.” My dad gets up and puts his hand on my elbow. “Really, it will.”
“Weyax, Mama.” Gracie chimes in.
“Oh, don’t you start piping up.” I reach over and tickle her.
She yelps and laughs a belly laugh.
As soon as I stop, she holds her hand up and says it again, “Weyax, Mama.” And then dies laughing when I tickle her again.
We do it until she can’t breathe from laughing so hard, and I have to help her stand up. I barely hold my hand up now and she starts laughing like I’m tickling her.
“You’re such a good mama, Caroline.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I’m still taken aback when my dad pays me a compliment.
“You were always the grown-up in our little family of three,” he says. “The one who knew how to love the right way.”
I sit down and look at him. “There were a few memories of you that held me over during the rough times.”
“Really? Like what?” He leans forward, eager to hear what I have to say.
That, in itself, is something I keep thinking is going to pass. He’ll surely look over my shoulder, see alcohol in the distance and go hunt it down. So far, this time, knock on wood…it hasn’t happened.
“Clovis the Bunny…that was always a special thing, when you’d make up a Clovis story for me.”
He smiles, pleased and maybe even a little embarrassed.
“There were some birthdays that you made sure I was taken care of, and like I said, you stood up to Mama for me a few times.”
I hold up my “C” necklace and he gets tears in his eyes.
“I can’t believe you still wear that,” he says, choked up. “I wish I’d done better, Caroline. Every day I wish it. I was selfish and a child…and consumed…I’m sorry.”
“You’ve already said you’re sorry. I’m not gonna make you say it forever. Once was enough if you’ll stick around this time.”
I turn to him when I say that last part and hope that he sees I mean it.
He does. He stands and comes over to me, pulling me into a hug.
“I love you, Caroline. Thank you for this…”
He backs away awkwardly and goes into the bathroom. I hear him blow his nose. When he comes back out, he avoids my eyes and his face is all red.
I smile. Maybe he really has changed.
He looks at the clock. “We should probably get going!”
“Are you sure?” I touch my chest. My heartbeat needs to slow to at least half the rate it’s pumping or I’ll be passin’ out before I even get to him.
“Yeah, it’ll take us a little while to get over there. We’ll have a little traffic, going that way.”
Gracie grabs Dolly and a s
craggly blanket she insisted on bringing on this trip. I tried to talk her into a prettier one, but she would have none of it.
I TRY TO think about everything but what is actually happening as we drive to Isaiah’s house. Just those words, Isaiah’s house, are enough to make me feel chewed up and spit out. Oh, Lord, I turn to praying, don’t let me lose my lunch on his shoes.
We pull in front of Isaiah’s house fifteen minutes early, and Gracie is bouncing up and down between Dad and me.
“Oh my goodness,” I put my hand up to my mouth, “I haven’t…”
“What is it?” Dad looks at me, concerned.
“I haven’t told Gracie who we’re seeing. I’ve been so wrapped up with how he’s gonna take it, I haven’t told her.”
“Baby, it’s all gonna work out. Nellie used to say, ‘I just know it in my knower’…that’s how I feel right now.”
I try to gulp a huge breath, but it doesn’t really work.
“You’ve got time to tell her, if you want to…”
“What if he doesn’t-?”
“He will,” my dad says emphatically.
“We’re gonna see your daddy, Gracie,” I say it before I can choke back the words.
“My daddy?”
“Your daddy.”
“I wanna see my daddy!” She tries to crawl over me and get out the car door.
“Okay, hold on, we’re going.”
I hold onto Gracie and open the door.
We’re starting to go up the driveway when the garage door opens and I hear the clank of the lid being put on a garbage can. As the door opens all the way, he turns around and it’s him.
Isaiah sees us and sets down the can. The look on his face is pure shock. His mouth drops. He puts his fist to his mouth and I see his shoulders raise with his breath. He steps forward, narrowing his eyes to see if it’s really me. And then he looks ecstatic. He comes running out.
“Caroline! That can’t be you, can it?”
The smile on his face and his sheer joy at seeing me makes me lose it. I start crying through my wobbly smile. And then he comes to a complete stop when he sees Gracie.
“Caroline?” he asks, tentatively.
“It’s me,” I say shyly. “Did you not know we were coming?”
He looks confused and shakes his head. “No,” he laughs, “I just got home from Tulma! I-I’m shocked!”
I walk the rest of the way to him and he studies Gracie. His mouth drops again and his face crumbles when he looks in her eyes.
“This is Gracie,” I tell him. “Your little girl.”
I look at our girl. “Gracie, this is your daddy.”
She holds her arms out to him and he takes her and wraps her in a hug. She squeezes him tight, and his eyes close as he breathes her in. When he opens them and looks at me, I expect to see bitterness, but all I see is relief.
He holds out a hand to touch my face and I remember all the reasons why I never got over him.
“This is really happening?” he asks.
I begin trembling, and I reach out for him so I won’t go down. He hugs me to him and my tears get his shirt all wet. He smells like he just got out of the shower.
“You sure feel real,” he says.
We hug until Gracie squeaks, “Yook! That moon’s got yong yegs yike mine!”
She’s pointing up at the moon, and sure enough, the beams look like long legs shining down on us.
Isaiah looks at her in wonder. “Did she really just say that?” He stares at me. “You’re so beautiful. Both of you. I’ve gotta be dreamin’ right now…”
I smile at him, my insides pouring out gratefulness that he doesn’t hate me. And another feeling that I’d long ago tucked away under an extremely heavy protective coat and put in the freezer for safekeeping.
My dad clears his throat.
“Dan!” Isaiah holds his extra arm out to my dad and they hug. Then they’re in some sort of a headlock. “Thank you for bringing her to me.”
The sight of my dad and Isaiah obviously having a connection does something for me that I didn’t expect. My chest feels like it’s going to burst right out of my skin.
“I tried to tell her that you searched the world over for her for a long time. I think she might believe me now.” Dad turns around and winks at me.
I go all splotchy.
“Caroline!” Sadie comes out of the door and runs straight for me. “I didn’t even get to tell him yet! He snuck in on me!” She hugs me. “As I live and breathe, child, I can’t believe it’s you. Look at you!” She looks at Isaiah then. “And who is this you’ve g-”
She puts her hand to her mouth and a sob escapes. “Oh sweet lamb of God, that is your child, Isaiah.” She looks at me then with her eyebrows bunched together.
I confirm. “She is. I-I wasn’t sure when I was pregnant, but as soon as I saw her, I knew.”
Gracie looks at Sadie and waves. “Hi.”
Sadie giggles. “Hi. I’m Sadie, your grandma.”
“Gwacie,” she pats her hand on her chest and nods, “I Gwacie.” Then she reaches out her arms for Sadie to take her. “Gwandma, Gwacie, Gwacie, Gwandma.” Gracie laughs at the sound of that and it’s as if she’s tapped a magic wand over us. Her laughter puts us all at ease.
Isaiah holds out a hand to me. “Come inside? Sorry, we’ve kept you out in this cold for so long. I’m not thinkin’ straight. I seriously did just drive in from Tulma.” He shakes his head and doesn’t take his eyes off me, even when he talks to my dad. “I was worried about you, Dan…since I couldn’t get an answer at your place.”
We walk inside and Sadie tells us to have a seat. Gracie is already chatting her ear off.
Dad speaks up, “I tried to call you too, back before I ever went to Caroline’s, but when I didn’t get you I thought it must be meant to be. I didn’t know if you were needing to…you know…not think about it all for a while.”
Isaiah looks at me and smiles. “I tried that. It didn’t work.”
I swallow hard and wish for the cold air again to cool me off.
“I always loved how your cheeks turned pink when anyone talked about you,” he says so only I can hear.
Sadie clears her throat and says, “Dan, would you like to help me set the table for dinner while these children catch up?”
“I’d be happy to,” he answers, and they go in the other room with Gracie.
I look down at my hands and he takes them in his. I’m overwhelmed by all the feelings that are still there. Tears blind my vision and I try to blink them away, but they stream down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Isaiah. So sorry.”
He sucks in air and blows it out. “Why didn’t you tell me we had a baby, Caroline?”
I look at him then. His eyes are so hurt and yet, still full of love. It’s blinding. He looks ready to say something, when suddenly, his hand stops rubbing mine. He looks down and his face falls.
I look down and see what he’s staring at—my engagement ring.
“You’re married?”
There’s the voice and look I expected. Hurt, anger, disbelief.
“No, but I almost got married,” I tell him honestly.
“Tell me everything,” he says. “Start from the day you left me…that killed me, you know.”
He gives me a look of anger then, and I know my explanation will never be enough.
But I try…from when I realized that I couldn’t keep hurting him and holding him back from being all he could be. The reasons I left him that day. Meeting Brenda and deciding to stay in Bardstown. What I felt when I saw how crazy he was about his girlfriend…
He holds up a hand. “That was not my girlfriend…that was my cousin, Nia. And I am crazy about her, you are right about that part…but as a cousin.”
He scowls at me and I want to take back that day more than anything.
“Well, I really wish I’d cleared that up with you that day…would have saved me the gutting that took place in my heart.” I try to say it ligh
theartedly, but it’s not believable.
I have to try or else I won’t be able to wipe myself up off the floor. Why? Why didn’t I go to him anyway?
Isaiah leans his forehead over on mine. “Can I do this?” he asks.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Dammit, Caroline, I can’t hate you. I-God knows I’ve tried, but I just can’t. You’re here. I’ve been lost…okay, then what happened?” He runs a finger along my jaw.
I tell him all about Papa and then Ruby coming right after Gracie was born. “They saved me. I don’t know how I would have made it without them…”
“Thank God you had each other,” he whispers, his hands running through my hair.
I’d forgotten how just a look from Isaiah would send shivers down my spine. The feel of his hands in my hair makes me shudder.
I tell him about writing him the letter on Gracie’s first birthday and then guilt that I didn’t have the guts to tell him sooner.
He gets up and puts his hands on his head. Then he bends over, hands on his knees and takes a breath.
“I can’t believe I’ve missed out on her whole life. She’s what—two and a half?”
“Two years and eight months,” I clarify. And cringe. And wish a hole would swallow me up.
“What the hell, Caroline?” He looks at me with such anguish, I go to him and put my hands on his cheeks. The tears are running down both our faces.
“Isaiah, please…I-it doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t thinking right. I realized I was wrong and when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that even if the baby wasn’t yours, I had to tell you. I wish to God I hadn’t left that day without telling you! And then time just went on…I waited too long to write you and I just couldn’t seem to go back to Tulma…to this day I can’t.”
He puts his hands on the wall and doesn’t turn around for a long time. His shoulders are taut and the anger is bouncing off of him. I try to say something and can’t find the words. I made a huge mistake. I knew better than to think he wouldn’t want his baby girl.
“I’m so sorry, Isaiah. I-I should have done everything it took to find you and tell you, whether I thought you wanted to hear it or not.” I move closer to him. I reach out to touch his shoulder and lose my nerve.