Debt

by Charlotte Byrd

  This hospital reminds me of the one back home where I waited for hours for my mom to get out of her various surgeries. Time stands still here. It’s as if the waiting room is some secret time travel chamber in which I can go into and not age for hours and days and months. I age, of course. I noticed it whenever I went into the bathroom and looked at the horror that was my face, but I never felt time passing. Not even one second.

  Breathe, I say to myself. Breathe.

  I take a deep breath. And then another. And another. I feel a little better, but as soon as I look around, all of my thoughts and concerns and regrets creep back in.

  A doctor who is in charge of Jax and his condition comes out from behind the double doors with a smile on his face.

  “Jax is awake now,” he tells Mr. Whitewater. “He’s one lucky young man. Even though both of his legs are broken.”

  Broken legs. I sigh. He is lucky.

  “Wait here,” Mr. Whitewater tells me. I have no right to go see Jax. I’m not really anybody to him. Barely an employee. Still, I hope that I can go in to see him.

  “And he doesn’t have any brain damage?” Mr. Whitewater asks the doctor.

  “No, not that I can tell. But it’s too soon to know for sure.”

  I wait for what seems like a century for Mr. Whitewater to come back. Now time is positively moving backward. I wonder if it’s 1993. Finally, he comes out.

  “He’d like to see you,” Mr. Whitewater says.

  “How is he?”

  “Fine. Definitely all there.”

  I smile. A wave of relief sweeps over me.

  Chapter 18 - Jax

  When she helps me…

  Sophia walks into my hospital room carefully and cautiously. It’s as if she’s walking on eggshells.

  “It’s okay,” I say. “Don’t be afraid.” I sit up in my bed, trying not to look so sickly and powerless, even though I have a pounding headache.

  “How are you?” she asks sheepishly.

  Her hair falls into her face slightly as she walks, and she pushes it aside without much regard. Her lips look soft and exquisite even under the harsh fluorescent lights of the hospital room. Her skin is tan, and her cheeks are full of color. Sophia is wearing a long sleeve hoodie, and she wraps her arms around her shoulders as if she is trying to hold on to the entire world.

  “I’m good. Fine,” I say confidently. It’s almost true. I want it to be true. I’ll act like it is until it becomes true.

  “Broke both legs,” I say, nudging at the casts. “Imagine the luck.”

  “It could’ve been much worse, Jax.” She comes closer. I love the sound of my name in her mouth.

  “Nah.” I wave my hand. But she slaps it away.

  “No, I’m serious. It could’ve been much, much worse. I saw you out there. You passed out. You were unconscious. I thought you would go into a coma and never wake up.”

  “Hah, like you’d care. You’d just be happy that you got off the hook,” I joke.

  She stares at me and raises her hand to slap me again. This time across the face. But something stops her.

  “Fuck you, Jax. Fuck you for even thinking something that terrible.”

  That was a pretty shitty thing to say. I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I was just trying to make you laugh.”

  “How would that make me laugh, exactly?”

  “I don’t know. I’d shrug, but my shoulders hurt too much.”

  This one does make her laugh. She opens her lips just a bit and lets out a small, willowy laugh. The world is alright again.

  “How did this happen?” Sophia asks after a few silent moments.

  “That’s what you get for riding a young stallion bareback.” I laugh.

  Her face turns white. “What do you mean? Are you joking again?”

  I shake my head no. Then suddenly, something comes over me, and I tell her something I never would otherwise.

  “I was really upset that you were leaving. That I did that to you. Disrespected you like that. But I want you to know that it was really an accident. I must’ve not heard you or something. I would never keep going beyond what you said was okay. I’m not that guy.”

  I stop and look at her. She waits for me to continue.

  “So I was really angry with myself over the whole thing. Over what I did. Over the fact that you were now scared of me. And leaving. That’s the last thing I wanted. So this morning, I went for a walk and ended up in the stables. I saw Sebastian. He’s a powerful thoroughbred. But he’s not broken yet. He’s wild and crazy, and I felt wild and crazy at that moment. It was like we were breathing the same air and feeling the same energy. I opened the gate, and he let me get on top of him. I really thought we were connecting, and we wanted the same thing. But I was just feeling crazy. He ignited something within me, some long forgotten feeling of hope and love and wildness. And so I urged him outside of the stable. And that’s when it got bad. He started to buck, and he wouldn’t slow down long enough for me to get off. And then I just flew off.”

  “You remember it all?”

  “I remember every single moment.”

  “And what about afterward?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “Once I hit the ground, I don’t remember anything.”

  She looks at me. Tears well up inside of her eyes. One large tear breaks free and rolls down her cheek. I reach out and wipe it off her face.

  “I was so scared, Jax. You were just lying there. Motionless. Unconscious. I wanted to shake you so much, but I was afraid something was broken. And then…”

  Her voice drops off, and she looks out of the window. A tiny sparrow dances on a branch. We both watch the sparrow for a moment before she turns back to me.

  “And then?” I ask.

  “And then I thought that maybe it was even worse than that. You didn’t wake up, Jax. Not for a long time.”

  I nod.

  “You scare me, Sophia,” I finally say.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know exactly. But I feel something for you, and it scares me.”

  “Don’t be silly.” She waves her hand and smiles. “How can I scare you?”

  I try to shrug again. Again I feel pain.

  “Come here,” I say and wave my index finger to get her to come closer to me.

  “What?” She leans down.

  “You scare me,” I whisper and press my lips up to hers. I lift my body a bit toward hers and my neck throbs in pain.

  I sigh in pain when I pull away.

  “Are you okay?” she asks with a smile, licking her lips.

  “No.” I shake my head. “But it was worth it.”

  When I wake up in the morning, my back is throbbing, and I find Sophia half asleep in the chair.

  “Hey, you’re awake.” She smiles at me.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask. “I can’t believe you slept the whole night here.”

  “Oh, I just dozed off. It’s no big deal.”

  “No, it is,” I say. “Thank you.”

  “I’m going to get us some coffee.” She jumps up to her feet.

  I’m jealous of the spring in her step, and I wish more than anything that I could jump as well. I’ve only been in bed for one day, and the thought of not being active for another two months scares me to death.

  “Sophia…”

  She turns at the door. Her hair leaps one last time before landing softly around her shoulders.

  “Yes?”

  “I was just wondering…” I don’t know how to phrase the question exactly. She waits for me as I try.

  “I was just wondering if you were planning on going back home today?”

  “No.” She shakes her head. A wave of relief sweeps over me, but I’m not sure if I have been clear enough.

  “And tomorrow?” I ask.

  Suddenly, it hits her what I’m asking. She walks back to my bed.

  “I’m not going home for a while, Jax. But under one condition.”


  “What's that?”

  “If you promise me that we will be friends. Just friends.”

  I think about that for a moment. Just friends is better than nothing. “Okay.” I nod.

  Chapter 19 - Jax

  When I have time to think about things…

  How do you know if you truly love someone?

  There was a time in my life when I never believed in love. I grew up in a world of privilege. My brothers and my sister, Opal, were raised by our nannies and had everything we ever wanted. Our parents had houses in Los Angeles, New York, Montana, an apartment in Paris, and another one is being built in Dubai.

  When we were little, the family had more cars than I could even count – our father, Dr. Grayson – is an avid collector. We each got a new car of our choosing as soon as we turned sixteen, and each one of us promptly crashed it soon after. I think it was my sister O who kept her first car, a brand new Mercedes, the most expensive class of that year, the longest. Six months, I believe.

  My mother never cooked, but every night that we had dinner at home, we always had a delicious gourmet meal prepared by our personal chef. Our birthdays were lavish and expensive. Each one probably cost as much as a regular couple’s wedding. They were extravagant with different themes and costumes and close to four hundred guests each time. That doesn’t sound like a fun birthday party for a five-year-old, but the entire school was invited so most of them were.

  Our exclusive private school didn’t have a school bus to get us to school, and the responsibility fell to our nannies to deliver us there and pick us up after each of our after-school activities. O did theater. My brothers and I played lacrosse.

  Our parents were always there to cheer for us – always physically present – and yet emotionally and metaphysically away. It’s hard to explain now, difficult to put into words, but it was as if they were never really there.

  Ever since I can remember, our parents had their own lives. My father, the renowned doctor and later the founder and CEO of a prosperous pharmaceutical company, worked late into the night and all weekends. He was always traveling and running meetings.

  My mother had her philanthropic activities. She was the head of a number of boards that raised money for a variety of noble causes. She didn’t get paid, but she worked nearly as hard as he did and organized all of our days and the house staff on top of all that.

  It’s maybe cruel to say this, but my parents gave me the impression that love only meant one thing. My parents said that they loved us, but their love was complicated. It came with expectations and, inevitably, disappointments. It was never the kind of love often featured in movies. They were never mushy and hopeful and exuberant. They were both too busy with either work or their social obligations to really show love. Or at least, the way I expected it to be.

  And so, coming back to my original thought. How do you know if you truly love someone? How am I expected to know if I love someone if their love was the only kind of love I had ever known?

  Before I broke both of my legs riding a wild stallion, I never had time to think about these things. But now that I’m bed bound for more than six weeks, it seems all I do is think. I have to remain active somehow, and my mind is the only place I have left.

  Sophia enters the room carrying two cups of tea on a tray. She has been here for six weeks. Six of the happiest weeks of my life. I have never been immobile for this long before, and yet her presence has made it, somehow, bearable. If it weren’t for her, I’d be tearing my hair out. I’d be drunk all day just to pass the time. And yet, with her here, we find things to do that do not involve going outside much or using our legs.

  I think I’m falling in love with Sophia. Her long hair, her tender eyes, her soft skin. I don’t know anything about love, I’m the first to admit it. Yet, I also know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Sometimes, when I see her, my heart jumps into my throat, and I forget to breathe.

  Other times, when she’s away from me for a couple of hours, I feel anxious and uncertain. I don’t know what to do with myself and spend the hours just looking out of the window or staring aimlessly at the television screen. I can’t read a word that makes sense. All I can do is wait for her to return.

  Sophia has been bringing me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and has made Mr. Whitewater all but useless. The responsibility of those things would’ve fallen to him, but she asked him if she could do it. I think she likes being useful. In fact, I’ve never met someone who enjoys being useful so much. It’s almost as if she really loves taking care of me.

  I feel myself falling in love with Sophia, even though I’m not sure if I know what that means. But does anyone? Isn’t love just some sort of feeling that bubbles up from within us, from someplace deep within our core that we didn’t even know existed?

  There is one problem, however. And it’s a big one. We – Sophia and I – have decided to keep things professional. I believe that the only reason she’s even here is that our relationship is now strictly professional. Or so she has called it. But in reality, it’s not professional at all. Only a fool would think that our interaction is professional. We are more like friends. Close, close friends. And it’s clear, at least I think it is, that I want more.

  “What a beautiful morning, right?” she says, plopping down on the couch next to me. “What do you want to do today?”

  I want to kiss you, undress, and lie in bed looking at and exploring your naked body until dinner. I want to say this to her, but instead I lie.

  “Not sure, whatever.” I shrug and remember her hurtful words.

  “No more kissing, no more romance, or whatever it was that was happening between us,” she said in my hospital room. I felt woozy from all the pain killers, but I remember each one of her words as if she’d said it a minute ago. “I just want to work here for the year, like I agreed, and be friends.”

  “Okay,” I had agreed.

  “You promise?” she asked. “This is one of my conditions of staying. The only one.”

  I remember looking into her deep brown eyes and nodding. Then agreeing verbally to the only thing that would keep her in my life.

  Chapter 20 - Jax

  When things get better…

  “You feeling alright?” she asks. Neither of us has said a word in a few moments. She touches my hand with hers, sending shivers up and down my body. Ever since we’d decided to be friends, she’s started touching me more and more. More than she ever had before. But the touching is not sexual, at least not on her part. Just a pat of the hand, a small hug, a nudge, but each touch still makes me get hard.

  I want her. I want her up against the wall. On the bed. Outside in the desert. In the shower.

  “Hey, Jax?” she asks, leaning close to me with a look of concern on her face. “How are you today? Is everything okay?”

  “I’m good.” I fake a smile. “Why?”

  “Something seems off.” She shrugs. “Oh, I almost forgot, I got your pills, here.”

  I stare at her. Sophia mentions the pills in the same nonchalant way she has for the last six weeks, but this is the first day that I turn them down.

  “Nah, I’m feeling okay. I don’t think I need them today.”

  Her face lights up. “That’s great!” She wraps her arms around me. “I’m so happy. You’re making so much progress. Maybe you’ll be able to take the casts off soon, too.”

  Now there’s a thought. To stand up and hold my body weight with my own two feet. I’ve taken that for granted for so many years. Then when I suddenly couldn’t stand up on my feet and had to use crutches…the helplessness that came with that was unimaginable.

  I smile with my whole body at the thought of taking the casts off.

  “Yeah, I can’t wait,” I say. “I hate being a blimp. I feel like I’m totally useless. And like I’m getting fat.”

  Sophia laughs. It’s a small, quiet laugh that only gives me a small peek at her perfect white teeth. Then she looks me up and down.

 
; “No, not at all.”

  “You have no idea how hard this has been for me. I mean, I know it hasn’t been easy for you at all, waiting on me all the time. Which again, you don’t really have to do. We have staff here for that,” I say.

  She starts to say something, but I cut her off. I know what she’s going to say. She is the staff, she’s happy to do it, or something in that vein.

  “That’s not what I want to say. What I mean is that it’s been really hard for me to be so inactive for so long. I love being outdoors. I love riding horses. Playing basketball. Football. Baseball. Whatever. Using my body is a huge part of my life, and these past six weeks, it’s like I’ve become someone else. I couldn’t do that. And if it weren’t for you…I would’ve been completely lost. It would’ve been much harder. So what I’m really trying to say, very artfully, is thank you. Thank you so much for being here. And being you.”

  Sophia takes a moment to internalize what I’ve said. Then she leans close to me. It takes all of my strength not to place my lips on hers, but I’ve long made myself a promise that it would be her, this time, who has to make the first move.

  “It has been my pleasure,” she whispers in my ear and pulls away.

  Sophia jumps off the couch and the mood in the room changes. I watch her walk over to the large floor-to-ceiling window looking out onto the desert in front of us. A large raven perches on top of a crooked Joshua tree in the distance and then flies away.

  “I finally found some tape, and I’m going to take care of that bird problem,” she says. By bird problem, she means that too many birds are flying into our spotless window and killing themselves. Mr. Whitewater, who washes that window almost every other day, isn’t going to be happy, and we both know it.