Where Winter Finds You

by J. R. Ward

  When he was out of range, Therese couldn’t stand the waiting any longer. Her nerves were shot, she was exhausted, and all of iAm’s amazing Italian food had formed a cement block spiced with oregano and basil in the pit of her stomach.

  “I know I told you I was willing to be patient,” she said. “But I think I may have overstated that virtue—”

  Trez stopped abruptly and looked her right in the eye. “My shellan died. Badly. And like, recently. Very recently.”

  Therese exhaled the breath she had been holding. She didn’t like the sad news, but she wasn’t surprised, and at least this was nothing she needed to take personally.

  “I’m so sorry.” She nodded back at the doors. “So it must be really hard to see all that. Be around it—”

  “Watching your father reunited with his beloved?” He held up a hand. “Not that I begrudge him her return. I hope your mahmen makes a full recovery. I really do. I totally do. But I didn’t get that—and, listen, I didn’t mean to lead you on. I really didn’t.”

  Annnnnnnnd cue her not being able to breathe again. Which was what happened when you swerved off course into a tree. Him missing his shellan and being triggered by her mahmen and her father’s tearful reunion at the bedside? That was tragic, but she could work with it. Talk to him. Help him in some way. “I didn’t mean to lead you on,” though? That was an exit sign over a doorway she was not going to be allowed to go through.

  Trez shook his head slowly, regret tightening his features. But before he could go any further, she cut him off.

  “It’s okay. I know it’s got to be… too soon,” she heard herself say. “I understand.”

  Even though she didn’t. Well, she did in the sense that a loss like that would make it impossible to fall in love with someone else for a while. A very long while. And who was she kidding? Love was what she wanted from him. Because it was what she had… for him.

  Shit, she thought. She was in so much deeper than she’d been aware of.

  How had she fallen in love with him over such a short time?

  Trez came across and put his hands on her shoulders. His voice was low and intense, his black eyes grave, his muscular body still. “I don’t want to hurt you. You have to know that. You have to believe it. I never meant… I don’t want to hurt you.”

  So this is really happening, she thought. They were breaking up. Even though she wasn’t sure exactly what they had to break up.

  “I know you didn’t do this on purpose, Trez.” You wanted to be independent, right? she said to herself. “And… I’ll be fine.” She forced herself to smile tightly at him. “I’m totally going to be fine. I mean, I’ll make sure of it. I have my family and—”

  “I’m so sorry,” he said as he brushed her face with his fingertip. “And I didn’t want to do this here or now. I didn’t.”

  She thought back to him weeping the night before and knew this made so much sense. All of that pain was still inside of him—locked down at the moment, but never far below the surface. It was going to be a long, long while before he was in any condition to love anybody, and she didn’t question that he cared for her. He’d taken her hand as they’d rushed in to see her mahmen. And he had only ever tried to take care of her, with the house rental, with the financial arrangements, with… well, sexually, of course.

  “I know you must still be in love with her,” Therese whispered. “And I know she must have taken part of you with her unto the Fade. So this isn’t… it’s not about me. I mean…”

  “No,” he said. “It’s not you. I swear to it.”

  * * *

  This is the right thing to do, Trez told himself.

  In spite of the pain in Therese’s eyes, the tension in her body, and the determined way she was keeping herself together… it was the right thing to do.

  This was what iAm had warned him about. Therese was bearing the pain of something that should never have been started.

  “You deserve,” Trez said roughly, “to be loved for you, and you alone. Not because you’re taking the place of someone else. Not because you’re a tool for someone to try to save themselves with. This is all on me. Just because you looked like her, I should never—”

  Therese frowned. “What?”

  He tried to replay what had been coming out of his mouth, but he was caught up in his own emotions, so it was hard to recall. Instead, he just wanted to repair some of the damage he’d done—even though that was like trying to put a burned room back together with duct tape and twist ties.

  “You’re amazing,” he said. “You’re an incredible female who’s beautiful and smart and funny—”

  She stepped back. “No. About what I look like. What did you say?”

  As he traced her face, her hair, her body, with his eyes, all he saw was Selena, and he allowed himself to linger on the comparison one last time. After this, it was unlikely he and Therese were going to see each other again because he knew, without asking, that she was going to go back with her family.

  “You said I look like her,” Therese repeated slowly. “But I don’t just resemble her, do I.”

  When he didn’t immediately answer, she crossed her arms over her chest. “I look exactly like her, don’t I.”

  Taking a deep breath, he nodded once.

  There was a long pause. And then she walked off some distance down the corridor. As she strode away, he wondered if he shouldn’t have lied about the appearance part. But that was a pussy move. She deserved the truth, and he deserved her anger.

  Abruptly, she halted. Pivoted around to him. Came back.

  “You said you lived with the King, right?” When he nodded again, she looked away. Looked back. “So the Black Dagger Brotherhood is his personal guard, correct. So that male I waited on—Rhage—with his shellan, they know you, right? Because they live there, too.” He nodded again, aware of exactly where this was going. “So they knew her. Didn’t they.”

  When he nodded once more, she started pacing again. “And that’s why they did the double take when I went to wait on their table. And that’s why your brother has always been weird around me. It’s why the two of you fought last night—and it’s why Xhex, your head of security at the club, also stared at me like that. They all saw it. They all saw what you did in me. Which was someone else.”

  “Yes,” he said. “And I’m so sorry—”

  She put her hand up. “Stop. Just… stop with that right now.”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  Jacking forward on her hips, she narrowed her eyes on him. “You didn’t mean to use me? Explain to me exactly how that argument works. How you somehow didn’t intend to substitute me for your dead mate when I apparently look like the female. Explain to me how, when you were fucking me, you didn’t think of her the whole time.” When he went to say something, she talked right over him. “What you really need to tell me is how the hell you didn’t call me by her—”

  Therese stopped. Then massaged her temples like she had a headache. “You never used my name, actually. Did you. You never said my name when we were intimate. God, I didn’t even see it. I didn’t even—the feeding.” As the color ran out of her face and she covered her mouth like she was sick to her stomach, he felt like he’d been kneed in the balls. “You didn’t take my vein, even though you were starved, because you didn’t want to know my blood tasted different. You didn’t want anything to break the fantasy, to remind you I wasn’t her.”

  As Trez watched the depth of his betrayal sink in for her, he wanted to take it all back. The whole thing, from that first night when he had tried to get her to take him to Havers to what they had done in the passageway at the club to everything that had happened at the little house. He wanted to spare her everything she was feeling now.

  But to do that, he would have had to have listened to his brother’s advice.

  The reality of how wrong Trez had been, for some very right reasons, was a new low for him. And considering where he had started out from? That was saying somethi
ng.

  Therese took a deep breath. “I need to go now. And I need you to never seek me out again. Tell your brother I’m quitting without notice—something tells me he’s going to understand exactly why—”

  “Therese—”

  “No!” she barked as she stamped her foot.

  Then she clapped her hand over her mouth again as if she were stopping herself from either a rant or a crying jag. Or maybe both.

  “Just go,” she choked out. “I’ve fallen down a deep hole and I’ve got to start getting out of it right now—”

  “I wish I—”

  “No,” she countered, “you don’t get to wish anything. You knew what you were doing. You knew exactly what you were doing to me. I don’t give a shit whether you’re grieving or not. It was wrong. This whole… thing was wrong.” Except then she laughed harshly. “But hey, it’s also on me. I didn’t question anything. I didn’t ask why you were pursuing me. I didn’t protect myself. And we never talked about ground rules, or whether we were in a relationship or—for fuck’s sake, we had sex a couple of times. That was it. So I need to grow the hell up.”

  She said all that like she was trying to remind herself of the facts. Like she was reframing things—or trying to.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  “Okay, you can go screw yourself with that,” she snapped at him. “It’s way too late for apologies. And will you please leave? For crissakes, the only reason why you’re standing here is because you don’t want to say goodbye to someone who isn’t me anyway. You’ve done enough damage. At least have the decency to let the cleanup begin. Don’t ever contact me again.”

  Trez nodded, turned away, and walked down the corridor. He had no idea where he was going. But that had been true for quite a while now.

  The only thing he was certain of was that he had hurt someone he honestly did care about, and the pain he was leaving behind was all his fault. As she had said, no matter what his intentions had been, or what state he’d been in, it had been wrong.

  This was an all-new low. And the only good piece to it all? At least he wasn’t suicidal.

  Nope. He was not going to let himself get off easy. Selena’s death and the grief that came along with it was nothing he had created by his own actions. But his regret over what he’d done to Therese? That was completely on him, and he was going to have to live with it for the rest of his nights.

  However many there were. This was his punishment.

  A life sentence he was not going to easy-way-out with a dirt nap. Or a watery grave—

  As his phone rang, he grabbed for the cell, some stupid idea that it could be Therese calling making him desperate. But she didn’t have his number in her old phone.

  And she was not going to call him. Ever again.

  It was Xhex. No doubt she had seen that he’d phoned and was hitting him back.

  He didn’t answer. He had nothing to say to anybody at the moment.

  God… this was just as bad as when Selena had died, he thought.

  Maybe even worse.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  The next twenty-four hours in the ICU were a blessing. And a curse.

  The following evening, as Therese walked into her mahmen’s patient room with a Styrofoam mug of surprisingly good coffee, she held on to the former and tried to let go of the latter. And wasn’t sure how well she did with either of those goals.

  Ever since Trez had walked away when she’d told him to, she’d been in a cold meat locker, numb and removed from everyone. Because, hey, it wasn’t like she wanted to be the dimmer switch on everyone’s tentative relief at Larisse’s recovery—and for another, the relationship blowing up was nothing she had any interest in explaining.

  She felt so stupid for rushing blindly into something like that. It had all felt so good, though. And he had been so—

  Stop it, she told herself.

  Focusing on the hospital bed, she pinned on a smile. “Good evening, Mahmen—”

  “Good. Evening.”

  Therese stopped right where she was. Blinked a number of times. Tried to process what she was looking at. But sometimes, in the four hours since she, Gareth, and their father had left to catch some sleep in one of the facility’s family apartments, a big change had come about.

  “Mahmen? Mahmen!”

  Therese rushed forward, spilling the coffee on the back of her hand and not caring. Larisse was sitting up, fully conscious… and breathing on her own.

  “Mahmen!” Therese ditched the flimsy container on a rolling table, clasped the hand she had been holding for so many hours—and was surprised to feel it clasp back. “I knew they were going to take the tube out—but they did it early?”

  “Yes.” That voice was raspy, but it was wonderfully familiar. “Early.”

  “How are you feeling? Are you okay?” As soon as she asked the questions, she shook her head. Her mahmen was still so weak, she could barely lift her head off the pillow. “Wait, don’t strain yourself answering—”

  “Good. Good. Hi… hello. I love you. Back. Glad.” Larisse was talking fast, as if she felt the need to get it all out fast. Just in case. “And I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry—”

  “Shhh. It’s okay.” Brushing her mahmen’s hair back, Therese lowered herself into the chair that had become her second home. “Let’s just sit together.”

  “Dad… vein.”

  “You took his vein? When?”

  “Nurse went to get him after tube out. Stronger now.”

  Therese smiled slowly. Her father must have left and then come back in while she and her brother were sleeping. “Good.”

  They fell silent for a while. And then her mahmen seemed to push herself up higher on the pillows—or tried to.

  “Here, let me help,” Therese said as she carefully rearranged her mahmen’s torso. “Better—”

  Her mahmen’s hand squeezed hard. “Listen. Now. In case…”

  “Don’t say it. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to come out of this—”

  “Always felt… you were mine. Always felt…” Her mahmen touched the center of her thin chest over the hospital gown. “In my heart, mine. That’s why… never told you… never thought you hadn’t been destined to be… mine.”

  Therese blinked. And swallowed hard. “Oh… Mahmen.”

  “You were left… doorstep. Delivered… no idea… who? How?” Her mahmen pointed to herself. “Wanted daughter. Prayed… prayed… prayed… then? Answered.”

  “Mahmen, don’t use all your strength—”

  “Paperwork to protect. You. Me. Your father and brother. Make sure no one could take… my young away.”

  As tears came to her eyes, Therese made soothing noises and stroked the hand that was gripping her own with such urgency. “It’s okay, Mahmen. Take a deep breath.”

  She glanced up at the monitors. Things were changing on the screens. Heart rate up. Blood pressure up. She had no idea whether that was bad or good. At least there were no alarms?

  “I’m right here,” Therese said. “And I’m going nowhere. No one is going to separate us.”

  Even herself, she tacked on in her mind.

  “Yes?” her mahmen said.

  “Yes. I promise. I love you, and I wish… well, I wish a lot of things. But we’re back together now. All four of us.”

  The idea that there wasn’t a fifth made her sad—even though Trez hadn’t been a member of the family, hadn’t been around for long, had played her. And the mourning of him was frustrating as hell. But emotions weren’t reasonable and couldn’t be reasoned with.

  “Come home?” her mahmen asked.

  “Yes, I will. Absolutely.” At this point, she was dying to get out of Caldwell. “But Dad said you didn’t go down south. Maybe that’s where we should head? Gareth can do his schooling from anywhere, he was saying.”

  “Good.”

  The tension eased out of her mahmen, and for a moment, Therese panicked that it was death that was ma
king her go lax. But then no. It was peace.

  “Sleep, Mahmen. You just rest. We’re all here.”

  Sitting back, Therese watched over her mahmen, another monitor working in concert with, but without the specificity of, the other machines in the room.

  A young left on a doorstep? Really? At a regular family’s home? She believed her mahmen, and Larisse certainly seemed clear on how it had all gone down. But jeez, it was like the storyline from a bad after-school special. How did something like that happen?

  Time passed, again in that weird way it seemed to down here in the ICU. But maybe it was true all over the hospital. And her brother and father returned. And hugs were shared before Larisse took a nap. As she slept, everyone talked quietly, and Therese wanted to double-check the story, but not in front of her mahmen. That seemed disrespectful. Doubtful.

  And the truth was, the details didn’t matter. Just like shared blood didn’t matter.

  Family was so much more than DNA.

  Eventually, Therese’s strength lagged and she realized it had been a while since she had had anything more than fitful rest. With her lids drifting down, and her body jerking itself back awake, she was on the verge of—

  “Honey?” her father said.

  Therese shot up right. “Mahmen! Is she—”

  “She’s just fine.” Rosen smiled down at her and put his hand on her shoulder. “You, however, need some real sleep. Why don’t you go home for some rest and come back before dawn? Or you can stay in the apartment they gave us here?”

  She hadn’t yet told them about the rooming house, and now that she was leaving with them, she didn’t feel the need to go into the details about that dump. And the idea that she could go there, grab some clothes, and then crash back here really appealed.

  “You could ask Trez to give you a ride if—”

  “No, Dad,” she rushed in. “I don’t want to bother him. I’ll just get fresh clothes at my apartment and come back fast.”