All day long, she served Xavier and Cody—mostly Cody, because he had a bazillion questions and wanted so much attention. As much as she gave him, he continued to want more. Sitting in front of the television wasn’t his normal anymore. He followed her around, happy to spray the cleaner on the mirror for her or get food from the fridge to help with dinner. He’d become her shadow. She loved every second of being with him, but she needed this time to rejuvenate—to remember who she was as a person, and to have a thought that didn’t revolve around a seven-year-old.
She placed her mat under her arm and snuck out her bedroom door, through the kitchen, out the sliding glass doors, and onto the slightly chilled wood. She stretched her toes and arched her back, feeling a sense of calm that only nature could give.
She began a simple routine, building heat in her muscles and then stretching them out. Her body was fully into the exercise, but her mind was on Xavier. He was a hard man to keep out. He’d opened up to her, and she liked what she saw inside of him. His outsides weren’t that bad to look at, either.
She chided herself for letting her thoughts get away from her. This session was supposed to be about re-centering.
In the next breath, she pictured them tangled in a passionate embrace. Her heart rate spiked and she lost her breathing pattern, practically feeling his hair between her fingers as she pulled him closer.
She didn’t think she’d be ready for anything physical for a while, not after being assaulted. But Xavier was nothing like the man who had tried to take something from her. He was the opposite. She had the feeling that a kiss from him would be all about giving.
She settled into a standing balance pose and allowed her thoughts to drift where they may. There was no point in trying to fight the pull she felt to him when she was alone on the deck and no one would know.
She was somewhere between reality and daydreams when she felt strong hands on her hips. Her first thought was that she was getting really deep into a meditation and had conjured up the sensation. But when she put her hands over Xavier’s hands and felt warm, real flesh beneath her palms, she jumped and her heart rate skyrocketed.
“Sorry.” He chuckled. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He didn’t take his hands off of her. Which was normal, in a way. He touched her often enough throughout the day, but this felt like he was holding her.
And she liked it.
She put her hand over her quickly rising and falling chest. “I wasn’t expecting you up for another forty minutes.”
He put his chin on her shoulder and looked into the trees. “I may be sleepwalking—I haven’t decided yet.”
Ah, so he was in daydream mode too. Did he think of her this way—close and warm—when his thoughts wandered? Having him this close, feeling his breath on her neck, and hearing the contented timbre of his voice melted her knees.
She tested the level of his alertness and leaned into him, accepting his closeness, accepting him … wanting more. Her fantasies were good, but this was amazing—so much better than anything she’d made up.
His arms slid around her, cocooning her in their warmth. They stayed that way for a few minutes, letting the sun warm their backs and cast beams into the darkness between the trees. A squirrel scampered from one tree to the other. The world was waking up, but Emily never wanted to leave this space filled with heat and longing.
Xavier was more than she had hoped for when she’d answered the Matchmaker ad. He was sweet and humble, strong and protective, creative and funny.
His lips brushed her shoulder. She hesitated only a moment before spinning slowly, giving him enough time to try to stop her from facing this attraction head-on.
She brought her body flush with his and closed her eyes. He smelled like dryer sheets and him. The morning air crackled with desire, and her lashes brushed against her cheeks.
“Emily.” Xavier whispered her name; his breath was warm and minty on her lips.
A warning called out, Don’t cross this line. They had an understanding: their marriage wasn’t supposed to be a physical one. There wasn’t supposed to be love. Or passion. Yet that was all that pulsed around them now, demanding to be answered.
Their lips connected in a wild display of hunger and fervency. His hands slid down her back and pulled her tighter against him. She gladly went, needing him, needing to feel like a desirable woman, needing to know she was more than the maid and the cook and the nanny. Xavier pressed kisses down her neck and back up again, telling her she was beautiful. She’d never felt so seen, so precious to another person.
When they finally pulled apart, both of them breathing heavily, she glanced up to find a raw emotion written across Xavier’s face. The intensity of it took what was left of her breath away.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” He dropped his hands. She tilted, off-balance. “We had a deal, and I’ve overstepped my boundaries. Please forgive me.”
Her throat tightened. “There’s nothing to forgive.” Because she had been a willing participant, someone who’d jumped into the kiss with both lips.
He stared past her, not seeing the forest but something from long ago. Emily wondered if it was his first wife—had they stood in this place and kissed? Was he reliving that moment with her and had instead created a new one? Did he feel guilty?
“Why don’t you want a physical relationship?” She wrapped her arms around her middle, trying to protect herself from the answer and the chill that suddenly swept over her. No woman could compete with a first wife gone too soon. That wasn’t the plan when she’d stepped in front of the justice of the peace. All she’d wanted was to be a mom. But that had changed over the last three weeks as she’d gotten to know Xavier. He was … more than a father.
She’d known the risk inherent in a kiss and had leapt anyway; the crash was more brutal than she’d anticipated. Hope was a dangerous thing in a marriage, she decided.
He turned from her. “It’s not important. I’m sorry. I hope we can still be the good friends we’ve become over the past couple of weeks.”
“Of course.” Her response came without much thought. If she’d given it any thought, she would have said no. No, we can’t be just friends. Not after a kiss like that; I’m going to need to do that again.
Not want to.
Not like to.
But need to in order to survive.
Instead of waiting for him to walk away, she headed for her room. After a quick shower, she eyed the mom clothes in the closet with disgust. Her eyes darted to the cute skirts and jeans and capris and items she felt like herself in. Instead of reaching for one of those, she grabbed a pair of camo pants and a baggy T-shirt, putting them on like a suit of armor.
Her true self was falling for Xavier, and the more she kept that part of her hidden, the better off she’d be, because a man who could undo her with a kiss was a danger to her heart.
14
Emily
The next few days were a shell made up of routine. Each morning, Emily took Cody for a bike ride. He was hesitant at first but soon learned to trust himself again. She began increasing the distance and difficulty. In another week, she’d be able to take him on dirt trails. Within a month, she’d have him ripping down greens at the resort. He’d have some awesome “What I did on my summer vacation” stories to tell.
After a ride, they’d come home and have lunch with Xavier, who’d have spent the morning in his studio. He spent a lot of time in there since the kiss. Any questions he might have had about leaving Cody in her care were gone. At least, she felt like they were. Maybe he was still keeping tabs on her, but if so, she wasn’t aware of it.
Since neither she nor Xavier brought up the kiss, it had been pushed to the back burner, where it simmered quietly. She wasn’t going to be the one to pull it forward, and it looked like he was happy to let it languish into oblivion.
Left to her own devices to search out a reason for his withdrawal, she’d looked all over the house for some sign that his first wife was coming between
them. Oddly, there were no pictures of the woman. Which, on a different level, was strange in and of itself. Didn’t they take wedding photos or something? After a day of obsessing over it, she put it on another back burner. At this rate, she was going to run out of space on the stove.
“I’ll make sandwishes,” said Cody.
Her heart had started doing this instant-melt thing whenever Cody did something adorable—like calling sandwiches sandwishes. She’d started writing them down in her journal, never wanting to forget a one.
“Okay.” She opened the fridge. “Let’s have turkey.” She handed him the package of deli meat, the mayo, and the mustard, and then carried the pickles and lettuce to the counter. After getting the cutting board out, she retrieved the bread.
Cody laid out a piece for each of them and began assembling. She rummaged through the fridge and found carrots and cut cucumbers. After placing the milk on the table, she noted Cody’s progress. “You’re getting really good at that.”
He grinned as he spread mayo across the bread. “Thanks.”
“I’ll go get your dad.”
“Okay,” he chirped. She ruffled his hair as she went by, noting that it was probably time for a haircut. They could go into town that afternoon. Being a mom was awesome! Cody had this smile that was hers and hers alone. He was so proud of himself for accomplishing and learning, yet he always looked at her to see if she was proud too. Her mothering heart overflowed with joy on a daily basis.
The door to Xavier’s studio was open—a signal that he was all right with an interruption. There were only a couple times the door had been shut, but that was before the kiss. Now, he left the doors wide open, allowing her to glimpse his creative process at times. She’d heard him on the piano. He was skilled. But mostly she heard starts and stops, three notes put together one way and then rearranged. None of it really sounded like the songs on the radio.
She appreciated his effort to share what he was doing and tried not to feel slighted that he’d pulled away from her that morning.
Guitar music floated out of the room, and she stopped just inside the door to listen in.
Xavier had on a pair of headphones and held his guitar in his lap as he strummed. His eyes were closed, and he began to sing.
“You’re so beautiful, but you can’t see
The way you move is music to me.”
He had a clear voice. Even when he was singing low, she could feel the way the music flowed from deep inside of him. The words themselves wound right around her heart, opening up the longing inside of her to be cherished just like that.
“Your lips so close to mine …”
She pressed her fingers to her lips. The words made them ache to be kissed again. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the memory, but she wondered if she could really live this life she’d signed up for. Could she go a lifetime without being kissed ever again? She’d thought she could when she’d answered the ad. She’d said the assault had nothing to do with her decision, but looking back, she could see how repulsed she’d been being grabbed by the man’s sweaty hands and his slurping mouth on her skin.
Not all the kisses in her life had been like that one. With Xavier’s kiss, he’d reminded her that she enjoyed kissing and being kissed, physical closeness to a man, snuggling in front of a movie, all those things that came with a real relationship that she’d blocked from her memory. They were a part of her, as big of a part of her as half of a couple and a major part of who she’d always thought she’d be as a wife. She sighed gustily.
Xavier’s eyes flew open in alarm.
She glanced quickly away, wishing she’d thought to step out and make herself known so she didn’t surprise him. Something in his eyes said she’d interrupted a private moment. “That was beautiful—what little I heard, anyway.”
“Thanks. It’s not ready for scrutiny quite yet. I have a lot of refining to do.” He clapped his hand on the back of his neck. For a moment, she could see him as a teenager writing his first song, not sure if it was any good but hoping it was, because he loved writing it.
“What’s to scrutinize?” She lifted a shoulder, working to keep her voice light—as if she hadn’t been totally moved. His uncertainty told her he needed to know his music spoke to her soul. “It turned my heart into tapioca pudding.”
His head whipped around, and he stared at her for a beat before laughing. “Hang on—I think you just wrote the chorus for my next country song.”
She laughed easily, grateful to be off the hook for sneaking up on him. Getting along with Xavier when he teased her was like swimming in Crystal Lake—smooth. “Don’t drop my heart, my tapioca heart,” she twanged to the tune of “Achy Breaky Heart,” the only country song she could think of at the moment.
Xavier bobbed his head for a moment and picked out the tune on the guitar strings. “And if you drop my heart, my tapioca heart, I just might move to Spokane.”
“Gag!” She threw her hands over her ears. “That’s awful!”
He stood, a wicked, delicious grin on his face. “What about this?” He strummed quickly, and she recognized the tune of “Blue Moon” by Elvis Presley. “Blue moon, keep on shining. Blue moon, you’d better shine tonight—”
“That’s real music.” She clapped her hands. “But if you want lunch—” She paused for dramatic effect. “—it’s now or never.”
He immediately switched to the new song she named and began singing. “It’s now or never. Come feed me, my darling—”
She almost swooned when his voice dropped to the low notes.
“—a club sandwich to delight.”
“Ack!” The swooning stopped and she laughed, shaking her finger at him. “You can change Billy Ray all you want, but leave Elvis alone. Now I’ll never be able to listen to that song without craving deli meat.”
He stowed his guitar. “My apologies to the King.”
She laughed, shaking her head at their silliness. They made their way to the kitchen.
“I don’t normally sing for people.” Xavier gathered cups to put on the table while Cody added the final touches to their sandwishes.
Emily hugged herself. This was what she was after—a family. Normal days filled with activity and laughter. The sense that she mattered. Hormones faded away. This family they were building was so much more real than the bluster of attraction that threatened to haul her away. Sharing moments with these two should be enough. “Why not?”
“I freeze on stage. In the worst way.”
She lifted a shoulder. His confession might have cost him something. He sounded like a cowboy saying he couldn’t ride a horse. “It’s too bad. You have a great voice.”
“Thanks.”
Xavier was real. And he was making a real effort to build a lasting friendship—just like he’d promised in his ad. He didn’t have to take the time to make her laugh just now, but he did. He didn’t have to make eye contact just before they bowed their heads to pray over their meal, but he did.
They dug into the food. “I think Cody and I are going into town after lunch. He needs a haircut, and we need food. This is the last of the turkey.” She lifted her sandwich with three measly thin slices. Cody was fair and had divvied things equally between them.
“Let’s all go. I could use a break from the studio, and that way I can help with Cody.”
Emily sagged in her seat. “Thanks.” She was grateful he was willing to go and help. But why, oh why did Xavier have to be so great? A week ago, she’d been angry with him for treating her like the hired help. Now, she wished he’d go back to that, because treating her like a spouse—minus the physical relationship—was excruciatingly wonderful, though it teased her that there could be more between them.
They finished up lunch and piled in Xavier’s SUV to go to town. The road down the mountain was just as winding and relaxing as it had been on the way up to the cabin. She couldn’t believe they’d spent a week sequestered up there, away from the rest of the world, and she hadn’t felt like an
ything was lacking in her life except for seeing her sister. She’d need to set up a lunch date, because girl talk had to happen soon. An outside opinion on the status of her relationship would be greatly appreciated.
They went for haircuts first; Xavier decided he’d better get one while they were there, and he was done first. “What do you think?” The sides were shaved short and the top left long. The stylist had used gel to make it all shiny.
Emily’s fingers twitched with the need to run through the length and feel the stubble on the back of his head. Oh, the torture. She swallowed her growing desire. “It looks great.”
Xavier paid for the haircuts.
Cody bounded out of his seat. “I got a sucker.” He held up the green Dum-Dum and grinned.
“He did so good,” cooed the stylist, looking Xavier over as if he were on a menu. “I just couldn’t resist giving him a treat.” She flipped her long, blond hair over her shoulder and batted her lashes.
Xavier stared at the display of hair products—ignoring her open perusal of his shoulders and chest.
Feeling territorial, Emily stepped in front of Xavier, interrupting the woman’s blatant flirtations. “Our little guy is the best.” She combed his hair with her fingers. “Let’s get going.”
“Okay.” Cody smiled up at her in that way that made her feel like the best mom in the whole world. “If I’m good at the store can I have another sucker?”
She laughed lightly, even though she wanted to tell the stylist that she should have asked before giving Cody a treat. He was prediabetic, and hard candy was not on his diet. But she told herself to calm down—one Dum-Dum wasn’t going to send him over the edge. And after a week of daily bike rides and a couple weeks of eating healthy, his face was thinning out. She had high hopes that his next checkup would show that he was out of the danger zone. “Probably not. But we’ll figure out something really good to make for dessert.” She’d seen a recipe for sugar-free pudding made with almond milk that looked like it would taste pretty good.
The Cowboy Songwriter's Fake Marriage Page 8