Pretense

by Lori Wick

  "I think I'm finally tired now," Marrell confessed, sitting back and wiping at her face.

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  "Okay," Shay handed her a tissue. "I'll clean up in here you."

  "Or you can leave it. I can get it in the morning." Shay didn't answer but said goodnight, waited for Marrelltoleave, and then quietly put the kitchen to rights. Her pillowwasin her hand as she put out the lights and headed back downthehall. Marrell's door was already shut, so she was unaware oftheway her friend once again lay down in the hall to be near her.

  "Mrs. Bishop," Marrell spoke tentatively into the phone, "this is Marrell."

  "Oh, Marrell." She sounded surprised. "How are you?"

  "Mrs. Bishop, Paul is dead." Marrell knew no other way to say it. "There was an accident, and he died last night."

  "Paul's dead," she heard the woman whisper.

  "Yes. I'm so sorry."

  The cry of anguish and suffering that came from the other end of the line brought Marrell's heart into her throat.

  "I just got him back." The voice of Paul's mother rose to a wail. "How can God do this to us?"

  Marrell's hand was on her mouth as she heard the phone being dropped and voices in the background. Her mother-in- law's screams could be heard as well as the voice of another person. Marrell was on the verge of hanging up when someone barked on the line.

  "Hello, who is this?"

  "It's Marrell Bishop," she said softly. "Is this Mr. Bishop?"

  "Yes."

  "Paul is dead." She was forced to say it again. "There was an accident on the base, and he died last night."

  The silence was almost too much for Marrell's bruised heart.

  "My boy is dead?"

  "Yes." Marrell began to sob. "He died very quickly. There was no suffering. We haven't made arrangements yet, but I can call you again."

  "Yes. All right."

  Marrell didn't know what to say next. She could still hear Arlene Bishop in the background, her lament sounding inconsolable.

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  "I'll let you go now, Mr. Bishop."

  "Yes. All right."

  "Goodbye."

  "Goodbye."

  Marrell put the phone down and sat with her head against the headboard. She didn't think anyone else was up; it was only nine o'clock in Florida. Marrell had finally fallen asleep around two but hadn't been able to make it past five-thirty. Her eyes felt gritty, and she wanted some coffee but let it go for now. Shifting around so the light would be right, she reached for her Bible.

  "Are you awake?" Delancey whispered a little after six o'clock.

  "Yes."

  The younger girl breathed deeply, fighting tears. "It's all my fault, Mic. Dad's death is all my fault."

  Mackenzie shifted around in the bed to look at her. Delancey was flat on her back, her eyes on the ceiling.

  "That's not true."

  "It is. Dad wanted me to believe for so long, and I wouldn't. This is God's punishment for me."

  "Do you know what Dad would say if he heard that?"

  Delancey hadn't thought of that, so she didn't answer.

  "He would say God's not like that. I don't need Jesus the way Mom and Dad did, D.J., but they still love me. I know they do."

  "What if we do need Jesus, Mackenzie? What if we do?"

  "That's fine," her sister said. "You do what you need to, Delancey, but Dad loves you no matter what. Don't you forget that."

  Delancey might have been comforted by those words if she'd had any idea what she was supposed to do, but she was at a painful loss. She rolled on her side and stared at the door, her mind registering only one thing:My dad is gone.

  Hundreds of mourners attended Colonel Paul Bishop's funeral on June 9, 1982. The service was held at their church, although the theme was military, and Marrell was overwhelmed by the support. The base relief group, along with dozens of church family members, came along to see to almost every need.

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  Shay and Oliver had been at the house every day since the night Marrell had called them, but now the funeral was over. Marrell and the girls were alone.

  "Why didn't Grandma and Grandpa Bishop come?" Delancey asked.

  "I just don't think Grandpa Bishop can handle it, D.J. He cut himself off from your dad for so long, and then when he had a chance to have him again, he pushed him away. I'm sure his regret is huge."

  "I think I hate him. How could anyone treat Dad that way?"

  "Your dad hated him for a lot of years too, but he eventually learned there was no point in that."

  For a time they ate in silence, but Marrell had things on her mind, and the girls had to hear them.

  "We have to be off the base in 30 days," she plunged right in. "Oliver has checked on our old apartment building, and the woman is going to call him back. If she has room, you could stay in the same school district."

  Delancey didn't think she ever wanted to go to school again, but she kept her mouth shut. When Mackenzie didn't reply either, Marrell went on.

  "I want us to try and get back to that apartment building. I feel better about that than anything else. What do you think?"

  "Why do we have to move so soon?" Mackenzie asked.

  "SOP," Marrell shrugged, giving the military reply the girls had grown up with. Standard Operating Procedures. "I wish we could have longer, but in some ways that might be harder."

  The girls thought about this for a silent moment.

  "Has Colonel Barlowe gotten back to you yet about the other driver?"

  "With something new, no. He was heavily intoxicated with no insurance at all."

  "Are you angry with him, Mom?"

  "No, I'm not. I'm not happy about it, but there is no use hating the man." Secretly Marrell thought about God's sovereignty. That perfect attribute was the only reason Marrell didn't hate anyone. Her husband was gone because it was God's time, not because a drunk had hit him. But right now that type of comment only upset the girls, so she let it go. Besides, there were other things she needed to bring up that were going to be upsetting enough.

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  "I'm going to wait until we've moved," Marrell plunged in again, "but just as soon as we do that, I'm going to start looking for a job."

  "Why so soon?" Mackenzie was clearly not happy.

  "Because I want to leave as much of our savings intact as possible."

  "You said Dad was insured."

  "He was, but I want to leave that for big things. My getting a job is going to come sooner or later, Micki. We've got to face that. If you girls were already out of school, I probably wouldn't work for a long time, but this way I can provide for our monthly needs and leave the insurance money for your college education, special things, and unexpected large expenses. I spoke with Oliver about it, and he thought it a sound idea. Soon after the Fourth of July, I'm just going to start looking for a job. If nothing comes up, then we might have to dip into the insurance money, but like I said, I won't if I don't have to."

  The girls were surprised speechless. Their mother was a constant presence in their lives. She cooked, ran them places in the car, cleaned the house, did the laundry, and loved them unconditionally. But their father had paid the bills and been the one to read the fine print when anything was in question. They never thought their mother stupid, but both found it surprising that she had given this much thought to the insurance money.

  "Is it a lot of money, Mom?"

  "Yes."

  "How much?"

  "I don't want to tell you that right now. If people question you-and some are rude enough to do so-then you can honestly say you don't know."

  The sisters looked at each other.

  "We'll be fine," Marrell said softly. "I believe this with all my heart."

  No one was hungry for any of the many desserts people had brought, not even Mackenzie for chocolate cake or brownies. The three did the dishes in near silence, and just as they were finishing, the phone rang. It was Oliver for Marrell.

  "Hi," she said after she
took the phone from Delancey's hand.

  "Are you in the middle of dinner?"

  "Just finished."

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  "Good. I just got off the phone with your former landlady. She has an apartment opening up in August. It might turn out to be July, but she promised no later than August 1."

  "Oh."

  Almost a month after they had to be off the base. Marrell tried to think, but Oliver was talking again.

  "Before I could call you, the phone rang again. It was my father. He asked if I thought you and the girls would like to come and stay with them for two weeks-just come to be waited on and relax at their place. I asked him if a whole month would work, and he said, "Absolutely." I told him I'd call you and get back to him."

  "Are you serious, Oliver-a whole month? Would they really want that?"

  "You bet. They love you and the girls, and as my mother said, they have two bedrooms that sit empty most of the year."

  "Oh my. " Marrell was overwhelmed. "Let me talk to the girls. No, wait, first tell me what apartment is available. Is it like that one we had?"

  "Yes, it's just on the other side of the complex. The rents have gone up a little." Oliver named the new rent, but Marrell still thought she could swing it.

  "What do you think, Oliver? Am I working too hard to keep the girls with their present schoolmates?"

  "No, I think that apartment building is perfect for you. Paul chose that for you originally, so you know he was comfortable with it, and you're only ten minutes from us."

  "Okay. Let me get off here and speak with Mic and D.J. Should I call back tonight?"

  "Yes. The woman has others interested, and since she's had you before, you'll have first choice, but I don't think you should wait too long."

  "All right. I'll call back as soon as I can. Oh, one other thing, Oliver. What will we do with our stuff for a month?"

  "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

  "Okay. I'll call you."

  Marrell was not surprised to turn and find both girls waiting to hear what was going on. Not only did they hear her side of the conversation, they wanted to be close to her at all times these days.

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  Marrell gave a quick rundown of the situation, and Mackenzie was the first to speak.

  "That was a nice apartment, Mom. Are you sure it won't be the same one as before, because I wouldn't want that."

  "It's not, Micki. It's the same floor plan, I guess, but that's all. The rent has gone up a little, but as Oliver pointed out, that's to be expected."

  "What if after we get to the Lacys', we just wish we could be on our own?" Delancey insightfully asked.

  "Well, I guess we could take a drive for the day."

  "We don't have a car."

  "The insurance company is looking into that. And we're talking about July now, which is still three weeks away." It didn't feel very long once she heard herself saying it, and she worked on trusting the Lord in this too.

  "I don't want to sound ungrateful, Mom," Mackenzie said softly, "but I don't know if we have any choice. Maybe the apartment will open up soon and we won't have to stay away a whole month."

  "Does that mean you think we should take the apartment?"

  "Yes," Mackenzie voted.

  Delancey also nodded her head in agreement.

  Marrell walked back to the phone, telling herself not to sob. That she was even having to think about this was nothing short of amazing to her.

  My husband's gone,she thought as she dialed Shay and Oliver's number.He took such good care of me, and I don't know if I ever thanked him. Tell him, Lord. Tell him I now know what a good job he did.

  The weeks passed in a blurry sort of confusion. Some days rushed by, and others dragged. Nights lasted forever for Marrell, but she was able to nap almost every afternoon.

  With the aid of many people, their furniture and possessions were packed up and stored in a warehouse belonging to one of the church families. Mackenzie's fourteenth birthday passed in a very low-key fashion, but Marrell still managed to find her a gift and bake a cake. A nice-sized check came in from the insurance company, and Oliver found a car for Marrell. Cramped as they

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  were, Shay and Oliver made them welcome through the Fourth of July weekend, and the three Bishop women left for the Lacy farm on Monday, July 5.

  It was better than any of them could have imagined. There was no set schedule or demands. The fellowship for Marrell got her through some rough days, and the girls even opted to work in the orchards a bit. Shay and the baby visited often, and Marrell wouldn't have traded the time for the world. Not at any point did the Bishops feel crowded or anxious to be away, and they were actually surprised to have Oliver call one night and say the apartment would be available on the twenty-fourth. The surprise was even greater when, upon their return, they discovered that all of their furnishings had been moved in.

  Shay and Oliver remembered how the other apartment had been set up and simply arranged it the same way. Marrell forced herself to get up in church the next Sunday during testimony time and thank everyone for their help. It wasn't without pain, but as she looked out at their smiling faces, she was glad she had made the effort.

  For the girls the summer passed all too swiftly, and it was with something akin to panic that they realized it was almost time to go back to school.

  "I can't," Delancey said flat out. "I can't go back-I just can't."

  "Why, D.J.? What is so upsetting about returning to school?"

  "Just everything, Mom. School is just one more thing!" came the angry, tearful reply. "You wait until your birthday comes and see if you like having it without Dad."

  Marrell held her. Mackenzie's birthday had been bad enough, but Delancey's, just a month after her sister's, had been awful. Marrell shopped and did a special meal and cake, but Delancey's birthday fell on the first weekend they spent in the apartment, and the very reason they were there seemed to scream at them all day long. Now August had come upon them, and Marrell had mentioned school clothes, only to have Delancey run from the room in tears.

  Have they even remembered that I was going to look for a job, Lord? I put it off so I wouldn't have to leave them at the Lacys', but we have to eat and pay the rent. If I don't have something by the end of October, I'll be forced to dip into our savings.

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  Marrell looked up to see Mackenzie at the door.

  "Would you rather not even shop for school clothes, Micki? Tell me what's going to make this easier."

  She shrugged, tears in her eyes. "I don't know, Mom. It's so hard. You think that all the kids can tell, just by looking at you, what's happened. We saw some of our friends at the grocery store. They didn't say anything. They probably don't even know. But it just felt so weird. And everyone at church smiles at us in that sad way. It's so awful."

  Marrell couldn't have agreed more.Yes, it is awful, and right now it feels like it always will be.

  Marrell waved her over, and she came and sat on the other side of the bed. Delancey still had her head bent and her hand over her eyes.

  "I'm going to pray," she said softly, "and you're going to listen. 'Father in heaven, we hurt so much right now. It feels as though we're going to drown in this pain. Thank You that Your ways are perfect, Lord, even when we can't find our way. Thank You that You never stop loving us and doing what's best. Help Micki and D.J. not to be angry with You. Help me to be there for them, but also for us to realize that we have to move on.'" A sob broke in Marrell's throat, but she kept praying.

  "Iwant everyone to stop and realize that my world has just fallen apart, Lord, but that's not the way it works. The sun still rises and sets, traffic lights still work, babies are being born, and other people are losing loved ones and starting their own time of grief. I only know one thing right now, Lord, and that's the fact that You love me and know what's best. Help us, Lord. Help us as only You can.'"

  Marrell couldn't say any more. She was spent with emotions, burd
ened over the job that must be found and how hard it would be for the girls to return to school.

  "Come on, D.J. Let's look in your closet and see how you're doing on clothes."

  Delancey didn't argue, and Mackenzie stayed close and helped as well. Delancey needed jeans and a few tops, but new shoes, socks, and underwear were the most pressing needs. Mackenzie's room was next. Delancey found a few of her tops in there, because Mackenzie's were not in the best shape. She had plenty of jeans and shorts, but her shoes were in sad repair.

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  Marrell made notes as she went and then made her way to the kitchen to balance her checkbook, but not before telling the girls that they would be headed to the mall in the morning.

  It had finally happened. Male heads turned from every direction to look at Delancey Joy Bishop, but she didn't care. Five-foot ten, slim, blond-haired, and blue-eyed, she was as lovely as her mother, attracting the attention of old and young alike, but not one ounce of joy came with that fact. Only vaguely aware that anyone else was in the stores, Delancey shopped with her mother and sister and looked at herself in the mirror only long enough to see if the clothes fit.

  Marrell could see that she was miserable and disinterested and even offered to buy her a 49ers T-shirt. Delancey was a big fan of the current Super Bowl champs. Today, however, the shirt did not look good to her.

  "I think I need to see Jana," Marrell confessed hours later as they climbed into the car. For not having had much fun, they had accomplished quite a bit. The girls, at any rate, had no argument over a visit to Shay's. They liked their new clothes and thanked their mother, but little could cheer them these days the way the six-month-old baby could. Sitting up now and even scooting a bit, Jana was constantly full of smiles and laughs for the two teenage girls.

  "Come in." Shay wasted no time in welcoming the weary shoppers. "Jana got up from her nap just a little while ago."

  The girls went right to the baby on the living room floor, but Marrell hung back and accepted a hug from Shay.