Pretense

by Lori Wick

  "All right."

  Mackenzie took a deep breath. "I showed the Micah Bear book to an editor, and his company wants to publish it."

  "What now?"

  "The Micah Bear story that you illustrated for me for Christmas, I gave it to Paxton, and he took it to a children's editor. They want to publish it."

  "Mackenzie, are you serious?"

  Her voice was soft, almost hurt, and Mackenzie thudded to earth.

  368

  "We don't have to, Deej; we don't. I just thought your artwork was so good, and I thought maybe someone would be impressed with that and want to put you on staff or something. Maybe not even now but when you finish school. But then they wanted the actual book, the words-everything." Mackenzie's voice ended on an apologetic note.

  "Oh, Mackenzie! You're serious. Someone thinks it's that good?"

  "Yes," Mackenzie laughed. "And that's not all. He wants a series. He wants four more books with Micah Bear."

  "Who's 'he'?"

  "Tom Magy with IronHorse."

  "IronHorse wants this?"

  "Yes."

  "Mackenzie!'

  Even Paxton could hear the screams, right up to the minute Delancey dropped the phone and ran off shouting for her mother and Jack. Mackenzie looked over at Paxton and shrugged. He only laughed.

  "If you'd have called from home, I'd have missed all this."

  Mackenzie smiled at him.

  "Micki?" It was her mother's voice.

  "Hi, Mom."

  "So it's true?"

  "Yes. I have a contract right here."

  "I can't believe it."

  "I'm not sure I can either."

  "Here, talk to Jack. I can't think."

  As it was, no one had questions Mackenzie couldn't answer. She didn't want to stay on too long and eventually got Delancey back on the line long enough to say she'd call later. After hanging up, she felt totally drained. Paxton had to leave, so he handed the contract to Mackenzie and gave her some last- minute instructions.

  "This is all pretty straightforward. Read it, write down any questions you have, and we'll talk later today or tomorrow. When you make a change, do so in ink and initial it. Don't even bother having Delancey sign it until you've talked with Tom about the changes. Then when he signs it, make sure he's initialed the changes as well. Got it?"

  369

  "Yes, thank you, Pax. I think I'll go home now and take a nap."

  He laughed as he hugged her.

  Just as she had left IronHorse a few hours earlier, Mackenzie now walked from Paxton's in a cloud. She drove back to the base, this time at a normal speed, and lay down on her bed. She didn't fall asleep right away. Her mind was a rush of emotions. But she must have dozed off, since she woke to the ringing of the telephone and her sister's voice.

  "Were yousleeping?'Delancey was amazed.

  "Yes, the whole thing's worn me out." She felt grumpy and had a headache. "Give me a minute to get my eyes open."

  "Oh, Mic, I can't believe it," Delancey began, and for several minutes Mackenzie had no need to speak.

  "Tell me how this all started, "she demanded at last.

  Mackenzie recited the story for her, explaining why she had handled it the way she did. She wasn't in the mood to talk about this-she still felt half-asleep-but she wanted to fill Delancey in. By the end of the conversation, she felt better, and when her sister thanked her, tears in her voice, Mackenzie's own heart burgeoned with pleasure.

  "How do you want to do this, Deej?" she had the foresight to ask. "Do you want to draw some pictures and let me put words to them or what?"

  "I can't, Mic. I just don't think in terms of words. I never look at a picture and see a caption, but as soon as I see the words, my mind starts drawing pictures. Can you do the words first?"

  "Sure. I'll call you as soon as I have some ideas, and then I'll write the story out and put it in the mail."

  "Go fast, Mic. I don't know how much time I'll have in the fall, so I want to do this this summer."

  "Any word from Chicago?"

  "No, but I'm hoping they'll let me know soon."

  The sisters talked for another ten minutes. Mackenzie, who had wanted to sleep so badly earlier, hung up the phone and only sat at her small kitchen table staring at nothing.

  Why am I not more excited? My sister is over the moon, and I feel nothing.Mackenzie decided she needed some fresh air and exercise. Determined to push all melancholy thoughts from her mind, she climbed into shorts and a T-shirt and went for a run.

  370

  San Francisco

  "D.J., is that you?" Marrell called from the kitchen when she heard the front door open and close.

  "Yes," Delancey choked out.

  "What's the matter?" Marrell asked as she came around the corner, but by the time she reached the living room, Delancey was already sitting on the sofa, her back to her mother. Marrell studied her still pose, put the towel she was holding on the table, and went to sit across from her daughter. Delancey had tears in her eyes, but she looked more angry than anything else.

  "You and Kyle weren't gone very long." Marrell's voice was soft.

  Delancey looked at her, raised her eyes in frustration, and shook her head.

  "I take it he wasn't as excited about Chicago as you are."

  Another shake of the head. "He wants to marry me, Mom. Can you believe that! All this time he's been pretending to be happy for me, and today he tells me he's been begging God not to let me be accepted."

  More tears came now, but they were out of rage.

  "I just turned 19, Mom. I don't want to get married! I'm doing what I've dreamed of: illustrating books with my sister and going to study in Chicago. Why does he have to ruin all of that?"

  "What exactly did he say?"

  "Oh, only that he's serious and he thought I was too, and that we could be married right away because he's graduated and has two interviews next week. Both look very promising, and I could still be at Mills and teach like I've talked about. I don't know! He had it all so planned, but he's never talked to me like this before."

  Marrell hated to see her daughter upset, but not for one minute did she believe this was all Kyle's fault.

  "So you never gave him any indication that this was a forever thing for you?"

  "No!"

  "You didn't tell him you loved him?"

  "No, Mom, because I don't-not in that way."

  371

  371

  "And you've never let him kiss you?"

  Delancey stared at her mother, and Marrell's brows rose.

  "D.J.," she said very gently, "how physical is your relationship?"

  "Hugging and kissing."

  "No more?"

  "No, honest, but I see what you're talking about. He always holds my hand and puts his arm around me, and when he kisses me goodnight, it can get rather intense." The fire had gone out of Delancey Bishop.

  "I'm glad to know, sweetheart, that he didn't just want to use you and move on. He's ready to commit himself to you, but it's like we've always talked about: Things move faster for men. And Kyle is older than you are. It's not too hard to understand that he's ready to settle down and support the woman he loves."

  "He said that unless I come to my senses, he doesn't want to hear from me again." The tears in Delancey's eyes this time were from pain. "I don't want it to end like this, Mom, but I am going to Chicago in three weeks."

  "Maybe he'll calm down and call you, and you can explain and apologize."

  "I don't feel that I need to apologize. He made all these assumptions and then got mad at me for not reading his mind. Remember when I told you I needed to put some space between us and you mentioned marriage? Well, I was serious when I told you he'd never talked about that, and now he's already started looking for an apartment close to Mills, so I won't have to commute far."

  Marrell sighed. "Men can be horrible communicators, D.J. Your father used to assume he had told me things when he hadn't, and then he would get up
set with me when I wasn't thrilled over last-minute plans. For the last two Christmases, Jack has forgotten to tell me about the company Christmas party, and I've had two days' notice. We don't get into big fights about it, but I make it more than clear that I would like more warning."

  "I remember last Christmas. You were in a panic about your dress."

  Marrell shook her head. "I'd put on weight and couldn't wear the one I liked, so I made a mad rush to the mall where I

  372

  found nothing, only to end up wearing something that I had in the closet."

  "But Jack didn't expect you to marry him until he asked."

  "True, but it sounds to me as though you've been distancing yourself from Kyle, and he's trying to get you back. As I said, he isn't the first man to silently plan and not communicate."

  They sat in silence for a few minutes before Delancey reached up and removed the necklace she was wearing.

  "I think I'll return this to him. Maybe he can get his money back."

  "I don't think he'll want that, D.J."

  "I don't know. . ." Her voice was sad. "But if we'd had this fight before my birthday, he wouldn't have bought me an expensive necklace."

  Marrell had no idea what to say. She had only met Kyle twice in all these months, which was not the way she would have chosen to handle it. Clearly that was because Kyle was in love and Delancey wasn't. The whole thing made her tired.

  I feel ashamed, Lord, for wanting Delancey to go back to school, but in truth, I'm ready to go back to my quiet life. This has been the most exhausting summer of my life. I want Bible study to start up again, and I want to be in this apartment alone with my husband. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. Help me to be therefor D.J. but not to forget You orJack. I need wisdom, Lord-more so than I did when the girls were little. I would have thought it was just the opposite, but I've been naive and-

  Delancey stood very quietly, her eyes on her mother's sleeping face. She wasn't angry that she'd fallen asleep during their conversation. She still didn't know what to do about Kyle, however.

  Delancey chose not to think about it. She'd already illustrated three of the four Micah Bear manuscripts Mackenzie had sent before learning that the first two wouldn't even be out until the next year. She didn't need to rush the last one at all, but it was a way to take her mind from her problems. She settled down at her easel for the next two hours, the manuscript toA Snowy Day for Micah Bearopen on the desk beside her.

  373

  There didn't seem to be anything else to say. The doctor had sat at his desk and told Jack and Marrell that the cancer was all through Marrell's body and then explained their options. The Averys didn't say much, not to the doctor and not to each other, as they went to the parking lot, got in the car, and drove home. Jack opened the door quietly and went to the fireplace as soon as Marrell said she was cold. The fire lit, he turned to find her sitting on the sofa just watching him.

  "Why doesn't cancer ever figure into anyone's plans, Jack?"

  "I don't know." He stayed where he was by the fireplace and just looked at her.

  "I was so excited to have Delancey go back to school. It's been fun to have the place to ourselves."

  She stopped then as though she were out of words.

  "Maybe this is what God is going to use to finally get their attention," he said quietly.

  Tears filled Marrell's eyes, and she motioned to him with her hands. He came right to her, sat close, and put his arms around her. Her tears let him have his own.

  "I can't stand it that you'll be here on your own, Jackson; I just can't bear it."

  He moved until his forehead lay right against hers.

  "I'm so glad you married me, Marrell Ann Walker Bishop Avery. Never doubt that for a moment. My life has been so sweet and so blessed with you beside me."

  "Oh, Jack, just hold me."

  It was so sweet not to need words. She'd been tired for the whole year, but a serious illness had never entered their minds.

  "I can't call them," Marrell told him softly, her mind just realizing it. "I can't call the girls."

  "I'll do it."

  "Will you, Jack? Will you really?"

  "Yes. Right now."

  "Jack!" Marrell's voice was urgent, but the hands she put on his face were tender. "Do it like my grandmother did. Don't set them up or drag it out. She called and said,'Ihave cancer.' That was it-no beating around the bush."

  "I'll do that, just the way you said."

  "And Jack, ask them to come now. Ask them to visit while I still feel good."

  374

  "Did your grandmother ask that as well?"

  "Yes. The girls won't remember all the details, but I went on my own and we had two weeks together. It was wonderful. Then we all planned to go for Christmas, but she died just a few days before. At the time I was angry, but God is good, Jack. He knew the timing would be perfect, and she could have been ill for months or years. God was so merciful."

  "You chose to rejoice."

  "Yes, and as much as I hate to leave you, I'll choose that this time as well."

  Jack kissed her. "We both will."

  Marrell sat where she was when he went to the phone and prayed as she never had before for the daughters God had given her, knowing with all her heart that He was the only one who could help them now.

  "Who is this?" Mackenzie held up a photo for her mother to see. Marrell smiled.

  "That's Grandma Bishop."

  "It looks like Delancey."

  "Yes. Amazing, isn't it?"

  It was all so reminiscent of Colorado. Marrell felt as though she'd spun backward in time, only in this scene she was the one with cancer, and her daughters had come to her.

  "I forgot to ask you what Grandma Bishop said," Delancey mentioned, the old photo in her hand.

  "Jack spoke with her. She wasn't able to stay on the line very long, and then Otto called back to confirm that it was terminal. I wrote her a letter, but she would have just gotten it, so I haven't heard from her yet."

  Delancey kept looking at the photo, but inside she was shocked and amazed. During the day they were all so normal. But for three nights she had cried herself to sleep. During the days they had sorted through photos, cleaned boxes out of closets, even carted stuff off to charity. The talking was nonstop. She felt as though she had stepped into someone else's nightmare but didn't admit that to anyone until later that night when she was alone with Mackenzie in her room.

  375

  "I'm not going to survive this," she said softly. Mackenzie was sitting in the chair, and Delancey was on her sister's bed. "I feel like I'm dying inside, Mic. How can God take both our parents? I just don't understand."

  "I don't either," Mackenzie admitted. "But what seems worse is that I don't feel anything. I just can't find any emotions at all."

  The sisters stared at each other.

  "This is the first time I've ever felt like asking God for help, Mic. I mean, really asking."

  "Then ask, D.J., but don't expect-" Mackenzie cut off, realizing suddenly that there were more emotions inside her than she thought. She took a deep breath. Now was not the time to give way to the tight rage that coiled within her.

  "Girls." Their mother's voice sounded at the door as she opened it a crack. "Is Delancey in here, Mic?"

  "Yeah."

  Marrell joined her daughters. She had fallen asleep on the sofa after dinner and awakened to find Jack asleep in his chair, Delancey's room empty, and Mackenzie's door shut.

  "Are you all right?"

  "Yeah," Mackenzie answered.

  "Mom, are you afraid of the pain?" This came from Delancey.

  Marrell sat on the floor next to the open doorway. "No. There could come a time when it takes me by surprise, but right now I'm just tired all the time and feel a little odd. If the disease was confined to my uterus, they would do a hysterectomy, but the cancer is so widespread that Jack and I decided to let it go."

  "I've heard that chemo can make it more tolerable,
Mom," Mackenzie put in. "Did you consider that?"

  "Yes, but as you know, it can also make you pretty sick, so I don't think I want that. Shay wants me to do it, just on the chance that they could be wrong about its finality, but she understands my decision."

  "I forgot to ask you how she took it."

  "Hard. She's taking it very hard. We go back a long way."

  "How many years?"

  "Well . . . second grade." Marrell laughed a little and shook her head in wonder. "I was so tired all the time, and considering I'd turned 44 in March, I thought the weird symptoms were just the change of life. I especially felt that way when Shay

  376

  started going through the same thing, and her doctor told her that's what it was and to ride it out. I should have gone in sooner, but the oncologist said that this has probably been going on for quite some time. Going sooner might have helped, but he wasn't overly optimistic about that."

  "Do you think about waking up in heaven, Mom?" her youngest daughter asked. She didn't want to think about tests and doctors right now.

  "I think about heaven, D.J., but not waking up there. Second Corinthians 5 talks about how temporary our bodies are. It calls them earthly tents. At death we just don't need them any longer. I won't fall asleep and then wake up in heaven. I'll be in my earthly body and then with the Lord, just that fast. No falling asleep and waking up-just one place and then the other."

  Delancey, who found this very comforting, smiled at her mother, but Mackenzie was almost catatonic. Her mother couldn't help but notice.

  "Are you all right, Mic?"

  "No, Mom, I'm not. I can't feel anything. It's the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. I just can't feel anything."

  Her mother smiled at her. "It's going to take some getting used to, Mic."

  "You've always been here," the girl said as though just realizing it. "I've never even tried to imagine life without you. I guess after Dad died I may have thought of it, but it was just too inconceivable. I wish I could think straight. I just feel numb."

  "I recall feeling the same way when your father died-just numb."

  "What will Jack do?"

  Marrell smiled a little. "He'll keep on. Knowing he will keep on is one of the things that helps me. We talk all the time, and we cry a lot, but he will be here for you girls, so I know you'll be in good hands. We're also working on legal matters so that things will be as uncomplicated as possible. Oh, I almost forgot-" Marrell came to her feet. "I'll be right back."