by K. A Knight
“Abel?” I ask with a sigh as I snuggle closer.
“Still on the cliff watching the sun,” Evan replies. “He’s a strange man.”
“He’s lonely,” I say without thought.
“How do you know?”
“Because in his eyes, I see what I used to see in mine. He’s lonely and doesn’t know how to handle being surrounded by so many people now.”
“You felt like that?” Evan queries, searching my face as he cups my cheek. “I was right there, Pip, always.”
“And I was losing you. I lost my parents, and you were all I had left. I felt like I was losing that too. I was lonely and when…well, when I found you all, it was a lot. I love it, the noise and chaos, but I can understand how some people, especially if he’s been alone that long, can find it a bit scary and overwhelming.”
“Pip, you would have never lost me. No matter where you go in this world, I will always find you.”
“Promise?” I whisper, feeling vulnerable.
“I promise,” he murmurs, kissing me softly. “We were kids down there in that bunker, Pip. I was a stupid kid, but even then, I knew I loved you, and that love has only grown. I can’t imagine my next breath, my next moment without being with you. The world never throws more at us than we can handle, and even through all the bad, I had hope… I had you in my heart leading me home. Leading me to you. The sun always rises on the darkness, Pip, and you’re my sun.”
“Soppy bastard,” I tease, even though I nearly blush at how sweet he is. I waited so long for Evan to love me like I loved him, but he already did. I was just too young, too naïve and blinded by my own feelings to notice. He showed me in every little thing he did for me.
Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I thought. I always had him.
“You’ll never be alone again, Pip. You have all of us, mind, body, and soul, and not even The Wastes itself could tear us apart. We are family to the end,” he vows before kissing me again.
“I love you.” That’s all I can say, no smart remark or sassy comment.
“That’s tame for you,” he teases as he chuckles and leans back. “I love you too, Pip.”
“I blame the head wound. Give me a day or two, and I’ll write a sonnet about your dick or something,” I mutter, making him laugh and kiss me again.
“There’s my girl.”
I almost preen as I lean into his side with a grin, feeling better for simply being with him. “You’re sure he’ll be okay?” I ask worriedly. “His wounds looked bad.”
“He hung on for you, Pip. He knew you would come for him, or that he would escape and find you, so don’t give up on him now,” he murmurs.
“Never.” I nod as the door opens and Archel walks in. He looks sad, and when he meets my eyes, he looks to Evvie, as if he can’t bear to see me, which isn’t like my shadow. I sit up, a bad feeling starting in my stomach.
“Archel?”
He flinches at his name, his grasp tightening on the doorknob as he stares at Evan. “Jago is awak—”
I’m up instantly, ignoring the spinning room, but Archel blocks my way, still not meeting my eyes. “Piper, let Evan go check him—” He looks over my head at Evan, trying to communicate something. I push past him while he’s not looking and rush to the slightly open door. It’s dark inside when I step in. I frown when I see that Jago is bound. He has chains across his hands and arms, restraining him to the bed, but he’s still struggling and thrashing, his hair blocking his face.
“Beast, it’s okay, it’s us—” I turn when I hear Archel. “Why is he chained?” I demand.
“Princess, I wanted Evan to see first. Please don’t—”
I ignore him and step closer, and Jago’s head snaps up. He snarls when he looks at me.
The usual fire in my beast is gone. His eyes are dark and empty as he watches me. “Who are you?” he growls out, yanking on the chains, his teeth bared like he would attack me if he was given the opportunity.
There’s no recognition there.
Staring back at me are nothing but a stranger’s eyes.
“Jago, Beast…it’s me. It’s your brawler,” I soothe as Archel’s hand lands on my shoulder, stopping me from moving forward. I don’t shake it off as Jago jerks and yells like an animal.
“What’s wrong with him?” I whisper brokenly.
“The head wound could be confusing him. He could have temporary amnesia,” Evan offers, and I look at him. He appears worried.
“Could?” I ask, and he winces and meets my eyes.
“His head wound was severe, Pip. There are textbooks and evidence that some severe head wounds can cause permanent amnesia. Loss of memory, sometimes long or short term and sometimes both. It’s too early to tell. We need the swelling and confusion to go away first before we can fully asses—”
“He might never remember us, remember me?” I question, tears falling down my cheeks at the idea that Jago may never look at me with those fiery eyes again, never call me Brawler with such love that it makes my heart race, and may not remember how we fell in love, broke apart, and came back together. The man who fixed my broken heart and showed me my own strength may never remember us falling in love…
“I just don’t know yet, Pip,” Evan replies sadly. “All we can do is wait and treat the symptoms.”
I can’t look away from my love. It’s him. He has the same face I’ve caressed a million times, the same lips I’ve kissed and whispered ‘I love you’ to. He has the same body and arms that held me so perfectly, keeping me safe…but he’s not my Jago. This man is almost feral, roaring and tugging at the chains. The sight of me seems to enrage him, and I can’t stand it anymore, so I turn and rush from the room. My tears blind me, so I don’t know where I’m going other than fleeing the deafening shaking of the house. I rush downstairs, but I can still hear him, each sound hammering into my heart and cracking it open, so I race out the open back door. The breeze makes me gulp in fresh air, and the sun warms me instantly. I can still hear him, so I keep walking all the way to the cliff’s edge and throw myself down on the bench.
I roll my lips inwards to stifle my sobs. Jago is in pain and probably afraid. I need to be there for him, not out here crying. He’s the one who’s lost his memories and is surrounded by strangers and frightened. I need to be strong, but right now, all I feel is weak.
My heart is ripped open, and questions stream through my head. What if I never get him back? What if he never remembers? Could I live without my beast? Even the thought makes me gasp in pain.
Jago, my beast, is my everything. He’s my rock, my love, but if he doesn’t remember, he could choose to leave me, to walk away, or even worse. Could I survive that? When each look at him fills me with love and pain?
Could our life really have been wiped out so quickly? Like it never really existed at all, just ghosts inside my head mocking me of what was and could have been?
The pain is too much. I want to scream, to rage at the unfairness of it all.
I jump when someone clears their throat. Lifting my head, I meet Abel’s eyes, my lip trembling. He smiles sadly. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, unable to speak in case it all flows out, but those kind eyes, those knowing looks as he patiently waits causes it all to just flow from my lips like word vomit.
“I should have been faster, should have stayed, should have—”
“Should haves will not change the future, Piper.” He sighs as he sits, placing his hands on his knees as he stares across the water. “It won’t change what happened. All it will do is hurt you more. Guilt has no place here. He needs you right now, he just doesn’t know it. All you can do is deal with the present, with what happened. You’re scared, you’re hurt.” He looks at me then. “That’s okay. Don’t bottle that up, but don’t let it stop you either. What’s done is done. You cannot change the past, and to keep trying will only make you live a half-life. I should know, like you said.” I wince, but he smiles softly, reaches out, and clasps my hand. He holds it
tightly before he looks back at the water. “I have faith it led you to that man and here for a reason. Whatever is to come, Piper, you are not alone, and that’s all that he needs to know as well.”
“But what if I never get him back?” I whisper.
“Will you love him less?” he inquires curiously.
“No. Never,” I answer without hesitation.
“Deep down, he knows he loves you too. His brain might not remember, but his heart does. Be patient. You may get him back, you may not, but you can always start again, Piper. You can fall in love again, be together again. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?” He looks at me with pain and sadness in his eyes. “To be given another chance, another life with your love?”
“It’s…just unfair,” I finish lamely.
“Life is.” He shrugs, still holding my hand. “I loved before, Piper. I loved someone so deeply. Not the giant, roaring flame you have, but a slow gentle breeze. It was comforting, always there, keeping me upright. Reminding me I was not alone. It was slow and steady like the water, and that’s why I love watching it, it reminds me of her. I didn’t fight hard enough for it though, so broken by all those I had loved and lost before. My heart grew tired, and I was numb from trying to hold on. My own mind betrayed me. I didn’t fight hard enough, and I lost it. I lost her. I let my own past, my own demons, stop me.” He looks at me again. “Don’t let that happen to you.”
“I don’t want to,” I admit, “but looking into his eyes…I just want to scream, to rip this world apart until they give him back to me.” I huff, wiping at my eyes and sniffling.
“Then scream, scream at the world, at what happened. Don’t let it rot inside of you. Let it all out, but then come back and keep fighting for you and for him. Don’t give up on something so beautiful. I saw what was between you, something so pure and meant to be. It’s something people search their whole lives for and most never find it, but you did. Don’t give up on that just because it’s hard now. Be the woman who faced me down in my own kitchen, who taught this old dog a lesson, who stopped a mine full of feral murderers. Be the woman I know you are. Be the woman who made him fall in love in the first place. Even when it hurts to look at him, be there to remind him of who you are at every turn, and maybe, just maybe, Piper, you will get back what was forgotten, what was lost.”
“Maybe I won’t be damned,” I finish ironically before wiping my face. He stands, and without a word, he leaves me. I gaze at the sea and realise he’s right. My pain morphs into anger, ripping me apart like the thrashing waves below. I have to let it out, so I tip back my head and scream. My fury filled cry fills the air before it’s stolen by the wind and taken out to sea.
Like a declaration to this world.
They may have taken my beast for now, but I’ll get him back, and if not?
I’ll love all the broken pieces of him, even as they hurt me.
Abel was right—I feel better after. I’m anchored, more put together. Once inside, I splash water on my red, puffy face and slick back my hair. I straighten my shoulders and turn to meet Archel’s sad eyes. He opens his arms, and I rush into them. I fight back more tears. They are useless here, but he simply holds me.
My silent shadow always supports me. His embrace is home, my sanctuary.
The place I heal.
Jago is my rock, Archel is my healer, Evan is my home, and Clay is my bravery. I need them all, and I refuse to let one slip through my fingers. Jago saved me over and over, he gave me a purpose, and he never gave up on me. I won’t ever give up on him. I press my head to Archel’s chest, and he leans down and kisses my hair.
“We’ll get him back, Princess, you can bring him back. I know that.”
“You sure?” I murmur.
“If anyone could pull me from the fog, it would be you. I would fight through the pits of hell and the gates of heaven just to be in your arms again. We all would, including your beast, maybe even more so. I’ve never seen a man so dedicated to one person before. You are his entire world. He’ll come back for you, because he cannot do anything but.”
I nod as his words give me a strength I needed. I pull away a bit and tilt my head back. He smiles down at me, rubbing my chin softly before kissing me. “Bring our beast back, Princess,” he whispers against my lips. “This world will be boring without him almost killing me all the time.”
I laugh. I didn’t think I was capable of it, but I do, and I kiss him back before pulling away. I straighten my back and head upstairs. Back to my love. Back to Jago.
At the door, I hesitate, my hand raised to open it. I hear murmuring on the other side, no more screaming, and just as I am about to turn the handle, Evan opens the door and steps out. I retreat, and he watches me. “Are you okay?” he asks.
“Sorry, I needed to…”
He nods. “I know, Pip.”
“How is he?” I ask, my voice stronger, more confident.
“Physically, he’s okay, healing fast, which is normal for him. His brain is sluggish though. He seems to know he should recognise me, us, but he doesn’t. Can’t remember why. I’ve calmed him down. He thought we were enemies. I explained who we were…who you are.”
“What did he say?”
He watches me and opens the door. “Why don’t you see for yourself? Don’t push him to remember, it might hurt. We will do that over the next few days as the swelling goes down, but maybe you being there, being around him, might slowly bring back memories and assure him he’s safe.”
I nod, and Evan lets me past. I stand just beyond the threshold as the door shuts behind me and just stare. Jago is still in the bed, his chains loosened so he can move his hands and arms comfortably now. He’s propped up, and he seems calmer. He’s watching me with a mixture of curiosity and fear. It flickers through those muted depths, like he is waiting for us to attack or kill him.
It makes me sad, and when I step closer, he flinches, but I keep going until I can sit in the wooden chair near the bed. He doesn’t look away, and I twist and tangle my hands, twirling my mum’s ring like I do when I’m nervous, unsure what to say. I’ve never been speechless before. I don’t want to make a joke or put my foot in my mouth, but I don’t even know what to begin with.
“I’m Piper,” I blurt. “I thought I should introduce myself.”
“I’m…Jago,” he replies, but it seems like a question.
I nod and sit there awkwardly, unsure what to say. I never had that issue with my beast, but I don’t want to upset or enrage him. What to talk about? Luckily, he starts to talk, filling the silence as he observes me with those piercing, if dimmed, eyes.
“It’s strange,” he mutters, staring at me. “I look at you and feel…”
“Feel?” I prompt softly.
“Whole,” he finishes. “I feel whole, like you are supposed to be here at my side, like when you walked away, I needed to follow. The urge is so strong, I almost ripped myself from this bed. Why?”
“Did Evan tell you who I am?”
“He said I love you, that you’re my girlfriend?”
I meet those almost flameless eyes and nod. This is hard. How much do I say? But as always, his eyes demand the truth. He may be a shadow of my beast, but he’s still the same man. “I am, for a while now. We fell in love when you trained me to fight to be on patrol in our old home called Paradise.”
“Paradise,” he murmurs. “The name is familiar, I think. Continue.” He settles back.
“Well, it’s a long story, but we left there. We found new people, including Evan, Archel, and Clay.”
“The others.” He frowns. “Who are also your boyfriends?”
“Yep.” I nod quickly.
“And I’m okay with that?” he queries, not judgmentally, just out of confusion.
“You want to kill them every now and again like the other night. Remember when—” I cut off, ducking my head to conceal my pain. I don’t want him to feel bad. It’s not his fault he doesn’t remember.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, “
that I don’t remember.”
“It’s not your fault.” I wipe my tears away and smile brightly at him. “You might remember one day.”
“If I don’t?” he questions worriedly, scanning the room on instinct.
“Then you don’t.” I shrug. “You are family. You can stay with us, and we can start again. No pressure on you, you don’t even have to date me if you don’t want to,” I tell him hurriedly. It’s true, I’d do anything for him, even give him up if that’s what he needs. “Or I can take you to the capital, Worth’s home, or help you get settled anywhere.”
He observes me carefully. “You saved me down there.”
“It’s what family does,” I reply instantly.
“Family,” he repeats, rolling it across his tongue. “I like that idea. Why was I down there?”
“You sacrificed yourself to save me, to get me out. We came back as soon as we could. We should have done it faster—” I cut off, hearing a warning in my head. “I’m sorry we didn’t, but you’re alive, and that’s all that matters.”
He nods, and I sit by his side, just talking and answering his questions about everything regarding the world, the past, people, and us. I don’t keep anything a secret, answering honestly, even when it hurts when he doesn’t remember.
A few hours later, Clay brings us food, demanding I eat. I do so, as does Jago. He hesitates briefly, but when he sees me take a bite, he does as well. The day passes quickly, and Evan checks on us every few hours. They make us eat and rest, and before I know it, it’s almost night. I refuse to leave his side. Even if it doesn’t trigger memories, I want him to know he’s not alone.
Not ever.
“I’ll let you sleep, I guess,” I offer, my voice hoarse from talking so much. I go to stand, but I hesitate. I want to lean in and kiss him, to melt in his arms, but I refrain. I fist my hands to stop myself from reaching for him. Turning away before I do something stupid, I go to leave.
“Don’t,” he whispers, and when I look back, he’s frowning, as if he’s confused at his own words. “Please don’t go. I feel safe with you here, like I can’t let you out of my sight. I don’t know who I am, who you are, or what this world is, but you…well, fuck, you calm that chaos in my head a little. Will you stay?”