by K. A Knight
“It’s just to report back to Worth to let her know we are okay before she sends an army. I’ll check the explosion site for survivors as well, get supplies, and come back. It’s a few days’ journey if I push hard. This house is getting a little crowded.” He’s right—it is, though I don’t say it. I know they feel useless and need to do something, anything, and they are worried about Jago and me. “I’m in the way here. I can do this and be useful.”
The others leave me to discuss it with Archel. I slide around the table and drop onto his lap, and he instantly wraps his arms around me. “I’ll be back, Princess, I promise. We are just sitting here on top of each other and irritating the big guy more. He needs space, and you need time. I can provide that. The others will protect you and help you with him—”
“Jago doesn’t need me anymore,” I mutter.
“He does, Princess, he just doesn’t know it yet, so show him that. Stick to him like glue, be the…endearing woman you are.”
“You mean annoying.”
“I mean relentless,” he corrects, cupping my chin. “Just because you’re strong, smart, and know what you want doesn’t make you annoying. People fear strength, they fear what they can’t understand or know, and they tear it down with the only thing they can—words. They called you annoying because you never gave up and they did. But Jago needs that now. He needs that strength, he needs you to not give up on him. He’s returning to us. A memory is a good start. Bring them all back, and by the time we have our beast, I’ll be back.”
“I’ll miss you,” I mutter, and he laughs.
“Of course you will, Princess.” He winks, and I roll my eyes.
“Well, that makes this easier,” I tease before I lean in and kiss him. “Okay,” I whisper against his lips. “But don’t leave me for too long. I need my assassin to save me when I get into trouble.”
“You never needed anyone to save you, Princess. You saved yourself and all of us, and one day, you’ll save this world,” he whispers before kissing me hard. My body pulses with desire, but he pulls back before we can do anything about it. “I’ll pack up and be back before you know it.”
“Tell Worth I said hi and nice rack.” I sigh as I get up so he can prepare to leave.
“I’m not saying that. Dray will try to murder me, and then I’ll have to kill him to keep my promise to come back to you,” he teases.
I watch him go before wrapping my arms around myself in the silence. I wait there, almost lost, while he packs, and when he comes back down, I follow him to the door. He kisses me so hard, he leaves me breathless and aching for him, but now’s not the time.
Down, man-eater, I warn my vagina.
“I’ll be back before you know it. Try not to start a war or fall in love with anyone,” he teases, making me laugh. I clutch his hand as he turns, holding on as long as I can. My fingers slip through his as he walks away. I watch his retreating back, and then he’s gone, disappearing like the shadow he is. But he’ll be back, I know that. My assassin would find me anywhere in this world.
He’s trusting in me to save our beast, so I turn back to the house, my mission clear.
I let Archel go, concerned but trusting in my assassin, before I turn and head to the cliff, needing to watch those tapes. I’ll tackle Mum first, then Jago. Time can heal almost anything, they tell me. I just hope it can help heal him.
I sit beside Abel as he silently views the water.
“I hope you don’t mind, but we decided to stay for a while so Jago can heal, and I-I would like to watch the tapes. I want to know my mum the way you did—not as a hurt, abandoned child, but as the woman she raised and tried to get back to.”
The smile he gives me is magnificent, and I help him to his feet. He leads me to the house and sets me up in the living room with a stack of tapes. “There is no rush. This is a home now for you as well. Take your time. I’ll be here if you need anything.” He shuts the door, and I settle before the TV with crisscrossed legs.
I swallow hard, unsure how to feel. I’m scared she won’t be the woman I remember, but that’s a child’s thought. My mother was a complex living woman, and I want to know what she had to say. She suffered, she survived, and then she died to get me these messages. I owe it to her to watch them, even if they hurt. I have to know who she was.
Where I came from.
I have to know her end to understand my beginning.
I hit play and watch as her face comes onto screen. It’s a different tape this time. She looks skinnier, paler. She has a huge scratch on her face, and her hair is almost ragged. It’s definitely one of the earliest ones, I’m guessing. She looks sad, broken.
“Your dad died,” she whispers, wiping at her eyes as she takes a shuddering breath. “I tried everything, bug, I really did. I know how much you loved him.” She sobs before pushing it back. “I did too. He was my soulmate, and I miss him so much. I wish you were here so I could hold you. You always had a way of making everything better just by being you, just by making me smile when you didn’t even know I needed it the most,” she whispers brokenly, her voice uneven. Each word cuts into me as tears fill my eyes, so I blink to clear them and keep her in focus. My hands fist on my knee, wanting to reach out, to comfort her. She’s obviously in pain, and my heart hurts for what she went through.
“I don’t know why I’m recording this, other than you need to know. Maybe one day, you’ll see these, maybe these will only ever be just for me, but you need to know the truth.” She shivers, and a hand comes into the frame, draping a blanket around her. She wraps it tighter and smiles sadly to someone.
“Thank you, Abel,” she murmurs, and then there’s a click of the door closing. It makes me settle a little, knowing he was there helping her, looking after her. That she didn’t have to go through that alone.
No child should watch their parents suffer, not without being able to help. I owe Abel for assisting her when I couldn’t.
“This might be jumbled, since my brain is not what it used to be, but I need to get this out. He died because of this. You need to know, everyone needs to know,” she states with fire in her eyes—the same fire I see in mine. Her back straightens, and she looks fierce. I take after her. She’s so strong, so sure, always speaking her mind and standing up for others. My mother was a true warrior, and I see her struggling to rebuild that now. Her grief and pain fight with her sense of justice and hope.
She sighs. “Bear with me while I try to get this out. I—we went on patrol. It was supposed to be a normal one. I remember kissing you goodbye and promising to be back soon.” She shivers. “But there was so much at play that you never knew, Piper. We protected you as a child. Paradise isn’t the place we made it out to be, it isn’t perfect. Nowhere is, but there was darkness in those gleaming halls, corruption. We all knew it. We saw it more and more, even though they tried to hide it. With our station within the colony, we were granted certain knowledge, and we figured out some stuff we shouldn’t have.” She averts her gaze.
“Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut and looked the other way, maybe your father would be alive and we would be together.” She looks down. “But what kind of mother would I have been? What kind of example would that have set? To see the true nature of someone, the evil they are capable of, and the lengths they were willing to go to and do nothing? If I did nothing, I was helping them, being a part of the problem. I wanted more for you. I wanted you to know you should stand up for what’s wrong and protect what is right, and to fight for those who can’t protect themselves. I wanted to raise you to be a good person.” She looks up then, a fierce tilt to her lips. “To be strong, sure, and willing to fight and die for what is right in this world. If we weren’t willing to do that, then we were nothing better than animals.
“But I digress. We knew things, Piper. Things we shouldn’t have known about the real Paradise, and it got your father killed. They sent us on patrol, but it was a trap. They followed us and attacked. They knew I was investigating the corruption and
trying to prove it. They wanted us dead to stop it, so no one would ever know. They attacked, and your father was badly hurt. I was injured, but I managed to get us away. We survived for days, wandering through The Wastes, then Abel found us. There are good people out there, Piper. Without him, I would be dead, or worse. He saved us, gave us a home, and tried to save your father. It’s not a bad, dead place out here, not like they said. There’s hope, love, and kindness. There is also plenty of destruction and death, but I have hope that we can heal from that, hope we can start again and do better than before, if only someone would step up and suggest it. I guess that doesn’t matter anymore.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry I can’t be there to help you, to tell you who’s bad and who’s not and show you right from wrong, but I know your heart, my bug. It’s pure, so pure. I just hope it doesn’t get you killed. You were innocent, they knew that, just a child. I pray that protects you from them. One day, I will get back to you, I vow it. If it’s that last thing I’ll do, I will get back to you, and if they dare hurt you, I’ll bring them all down. All the dirty, cheating, lying bastards. If no one else will, I’ll remake this world into a better place for you. I need you to know I’ll never give up. One day, I’ll find you again, Piper, my daughter. I love you.”
The tape cuts out. I wipe my tears and randomly grab another, greedy for her voice, her face. I thought I couldn’t hate Paradise more, but I was wrong. They have paid for their sins, however. Who knew I was making them pay for my mother and father too? It’s almost poetic that the child they made into an orphan was one of the people who brought them down and sought justice.
The tape starts halfway through, like it’s been watched a lot. I can understand why. She looks healthy, happy almost. Her face is more rounded, and there’s a smile on her lips. Her hair is lighter and tied back, and she wears a flowery blouse on her top half, although her hands are dirty from being in the garden. But there’s something about her, a cheerfulness, a new hope, a new drive to live—I see it in her eyes. She’s not given up. She’s not restarting her life, she is making a new one, even while trying to get back to me. In this moment, she’s…alive.
“It’s your sixteenth birthday today.” I watch as she starts to cry, and my own tears trickle down my cheeks. “God, baby bug, I miss you. I hope you are okay. I pray that your ignorance to what those people are capable of saves you. I hope…I hope you’re not alone. I hope you have somebody to celebrate with. I hope you are happy and loved. I ache to hug you, to hold you in my arms, but know I’m so proud of you. I love you so much.”
She smiles through her tears, and I reach forward, running my hand across her face as the TV jumps from the contact. I wish I could tell her I wasn’t alone, that I found love. That I spent the day with Evan. I was happy, even though I missed her and wished she was there.
Abel comes into view then and places his hand on her shoulder, and I pause it. She’s looking up at him with a wider smile on her face, her tears falling away like a shroud. Even in her pain and hopelessness, she found love again. I see it in her eyes. It’s not the same as her love for my father. It’s different, but no less or more. Just a different type, and it’s brought her back. I see it giving her strength and energy, happiness. He provided her with happiness.
I don’t even realise I’m completely crying now until a sob breaks free. I drop my hand and wipe my face before I hear a noise. Turning, I see Jago. “Hey, are you okay?” I ask automatically, but he ignores my concern. His eyes go to my mum and then return to me. I wonder how long he was watching.
He kneels before me, brushing my tears away with a frown. “Your pain called to me. Even without my memories, I knew I had to be here to help you, hold you. My heart knows what my brain doesn’t. It tells me I’m not whole without you. Even deprived of my memories or a past, I know deep down you are meant to be mine…and me yours.”
I hiccup as hope fills me while he searches my eyes, looking to me for answers. “I want that more than anything,” I whisper. It’s true—he’s all I want. My beast is my love. Like my mother, my love for each of my men is different. Each one completes me in a different way, but without him, my rock, I’m falling apart. He said my pain called him, but his pain calls me too.
We’re two broken souls once more, just trying to fit the jagged pieces of each other back together.
“Even if I never remember?” he whispers.
“Even if you never remember.” I nod, leaning into his hand, his touch so familiar, it grounds me. I’ll love him that much more even if he has no memories to fill his head when he looks at me.
He glances at the screen.
“Your mother learned to love again, so maybe we can as well,” Jago observes.
I search his eyes, and he watches me back, unguarded and unashamed. He’s offering me everything I want, but I have to be sure. “Are you certain? You don’t have to because you think you owe me—” I gasp when his lips connect with mine. His kiss is soft and unsure but there, a slight pressure, before he pulls away.
“I may not know my past, my home, or my name, but I know you, Piper. I know my heart, and it belongs to you, so help me remember or show me how to love you again, because I cannot do anything but. I know I could leave, walk away, but my heart won’t let me. I see you and I feel…good again, even in the chaos and confusion. You bring me a sense of home, and you make me want to fight for my memories so I can remember the way your eyes shine in triumph when you defeat an army like Clay said. I want to remember the way you smiled at me when I found you again like you told me. The way you cried when you thought you lost us. I want to remember it more than anything. I don’t know who I am, Piper, or the type of man I am, but I want to be the one you love, the one you see when you look at me. Will you help me?”
“Always,” I promise instantly. “If you never remember any of that, we’ll start anew. We’ll make new memories. We’ll fall in love again, like you said.”
“I’d like that.” He smiles, bright and wide.
“Me too,” I whisper, leaning into him, pressing my forehead against his as he holds me. My mother’s smiling, loving face is still on the screen, almost watching us.
“Me too,” I repeat.
After my and Jago’s declaration, I decide to take a break from the tapes. I need some air. They are hard to watch, and even though I need to view them all, there is no rush. They have been waiting for me for years, so they can wait a few days more. It’s important to know the things to hold onto and things to drop in life. I once heard that it’s like juggling balls, and some will break. You have to know which ones you can drop and which you can’t. Jago is a breakable ball, he needs me right now.
My mother is a constant, strong ball waiting to be picked up whenever I have to drop it.
We find Clay helping Evan practise some moves outside. Clay steps back and nods. “Good. Again,” he orders, and I watch as Evan attacks him using some new hand-to-hand moves I’ve never seen before.
“Do I fight?” Jago asks from my side.
“Yes.” I snort. “You’re one of the best, you taught me.”
He nods and watches them before stepping forward. “Can I try?”
Evan moves back, panting. “Sure. Don’t overdo it, but it might help jog your muscle memory.”
Clay nods and turns to Jago, knowing he’s a threat. Jago could beat anyone before, I just hope his body remembers some of it. It would be so hard for him to relearn how to fight, especially in a world where you have to fight every day. He steps up, watching Clay carefully. When Clay feints, he doesn’t move, but when he does it again, he takes action. I watch the fight unfold. Clay goes easy at first, and Jago takes time to warm into it, but before long, he is on par with Clay, and then it really begins.
I watch as Jago loses himself in the fight. The moves are the same ones he used before he lost his memories—smooth, fast, and brutal. He pushes Clay back until Clay is winded and sweating. Eventually, Jago knocks him to his ass, and Clay quickly yanks h
im down too, and I clap and cheer.
When Jago looks up, he grins at me, and I just know everything is going to be okay.
After sparring, Abel and Evan cook for us, and we all sit down. We laugh and talk, and even Jago joins in. He’s definitely different. There’s a then Jago and a now Jago. He smiles more, laughs more. I like both versions of him, but I would be sad to see this openness disappear if he gets his memories back.
“What about that time Piper faced off with like ten scavs?”
“Oh, and the cannibals!” Evan adds while I grin, shaking my head at their story telling, but Abel encourages them, wanting to know us.
“Scavs?” Jago asks, frowning. “Cannibals?”
We share a look, and he sighs, staring down at the table.
“How the fuck can I help keep you safe when I can’t remember this world?” he snaps, annoyed at himself.
“The past might shape the type of man you are, but it doesn’t define you. Even without your memories, you are still you—a warrior, a lover, a fighter. You’re a man who likes to protect people and be moving at all times. You like to sleep with the window open or outside, because you like to watch the sky. You like adventure and believe in love. You are still him, and I know one day, you’ll find that. But we will be here the entire time, helping you when you need to be reminded of who you are. If there is anything you don’t know, we are here,” I tell him, reaching across the table for him, but he stands.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene. Carry on, I just need a moment.” I watch as he leaves, heading to the bench and sitting heavily. I sigh and the others sober up. Maybe we were talking about the past too much. It must be hard to hear about yourself in stories and not remember every moment of them, to feel like everyone else knows you better than you do.
I wipe my mouth and get to my feet. Clay reaches out, and I squeeze his hand. “I’ve got it, keep eating. Why don’t you tell Abel about that time we went into war?”