by K. A Knight
“Not now,” Evan snaps.
“Please, I have to tell you. I promised her if I ever—”
“Shut up,” Evan warns, getting to his feet, his fists clenched. “You speak one more fucking word, and I’ll break your neck,” he snarls. This is a side of him I’ve never seen.
I grab his hand and shake my head. He softens, sits, and pulls me onto his lap. A moment later, there’s a soft touch on my shoulder, but I jerk away, raising my gaze to see Abel crouched before me. “Please, when you have had time to sort through your thoughts, please let me tell you what happened. I owe you that, and I promised her that. Even if you hate me, even if you hate her and want to leave, please just hear me out first. It’s not what you think. Your mother didn’t abandon you, Piper. She loved you more than anything in this world and died trying to get back to you.”
With that, he stands. I let him go. The bench dips slightly, and more arms go around me as Clay and Archel hold me, kiss me.
“We are here, Princess.”
“We have got you, my pascha.”
But someone is missing. I lift my head and spot him standing off to the side, looking awkward. His hands fist, and his eyes flicker with flames. He’s a stranger to my pain, even while he wants to help.
I ache for him to embrace me, to hold the broken pieces of me together, but he can’t, he won’t. He’s just another person I am losing, just like her…
My mum… How? Why?
And even as broken and hurt as I am right now, I know I have to stay. I have to hear him out. I need to know the truth. I need to know what happened to my parents.
I need the painful truth over the pretty lie.
When I’ve calmed down enough to move, I get to my feet. I hold Evvie’s hand in mine as we go back inside. Abel has poured a drink—not tea for once, something stronger—and he sits at the table nursing it as I stand there with my men behind me.
“She loved this table. She would sit here with me for hours at night and tell me stories of you.” He sighs, and I sit as he lifts his head. “I want to tell you everything. Will you listen? It will hurt, I know that, and I’m sorry. Part of me wished you would never find out the truth, it’s too painful, but I know loss is never easy, no matter the circumstances. You lost her, and you deserve an explanation. You desire to know your mother. The ghost of your mother is here always.”
“Tell me,” I croak out, taking my glass and knocking it back. Evvie sits next to me, holding my hand, and Archel takes the chair on my other side, stroking my thigh. Clay’s comforting, anchoring hand rests on my shoulder, and even Jago, a stranger to me, stands behind me with his arms crossed. I want to protest. He should rest, he should sit, but even without his memories, he stands there, protecting my back like always.
Not for our lives, but for my heart.
My warriors guard it, ready to die for it.
“I found them out there. One day, I had gone farther than ever before, needing food. I was younger then, less scared of the world. I found them. Your father was severely hurt, and they were both starving and dehydrated. One look at her, and I knew I couldn’t leave her. Those big brown eyes, so like yours, implored me. I brought them back here. I tried to heal your father but…he was too injured, Piper. The rot in his blood already set in from what should’ve been a killing blow. I learned after that he got it by protecting her, your mother. The people, your people, left them to die. They were ordered to kill them, feared they were traitors or some such. Anyway, she tended to him, but your father urged her to go back to get you, knowing he wouldn’t make it. He wanted his baby girl saved. She refused to leave his side, promising they would get better and go together. He died that evening.
“When your father died, she retreated, becoming a shell of herself. She would sit upon that bench with a picture of you every day, from sunrise to sunset, barely eating or drinking. She never spoke a word. I sat with her all day, every day, talking just to fill the silence. A year later, she finally spoke. Home. That’s all she said. Eventually I pried more out of her. She wanted to get back to you, to protect you and bring you above ground to start another life. She didn’t know how to get back though, didn’t know how to get down to Paradise without them killing her like they were supposed to. She was so tired, so weak and drained from surviving and fighting so long to get back to you. I warned her that trying would be her death. A woman out there? One who didn’t know how to fight? It was certain death.
“The next day she ate and started to train to get stronger, faster, better. She was determined to get back to you. Even as we…even as we fell in love. We spent our days together, sitting on the bench every night as I consoled her while she cried for you. She never stopped dreaming of you. I had selfishly hoped I was enough. I knew she would die if she went back. It was selfish, but I couldn’t bear the thought. At first, it was because I was lonely, but after, it was because I loved her. I loved her in a way I didn’t know was possible. But I was never first place in her life, you were. You were always her priority, even as the years passed. She started leaving video messages for you, and I think it helped her, like you were there talking to her.
“One day a few years later, I came home and she was gone, leaving only a note behind on the bench. I knew she had gone back to you, so I went after her.” He turns away for a moment. “I had to, I loved her. It terrified me, but I did. I left the only home I had, the only link I had to my family, for her. But when I found her… Piper, I’m so sorry. She died out there trying to get back to you. She was attacked and murdered. I brought her body back. I buried her before our bench. I hoped to find you one day. I’m not a fighter, Piper, but I knew I had to find a way to give you her message. To let you know she didn’t leave. She hated that you would believe she just left, that you would miss her, need her, and she couldn’t be there. She hated that she let you down, that she knew it would break your heart.
“I have lots of those messages if you want to see them. If not, I understand. I’m sorry, Piper, I really am. I tried to save them both. I did. I see her every day, her memory fills this house. She could never give me all of her, her heart was already yours, but I had a piece of it, and it was enough. Her ghost fills these walls and that bench—it’s where I feel closest to her, the love of my life.” He stops, licking his lips.
The whole time he spoke, I didn’t say a word, didn’t speak. I couldn’t. The information flows through my head, whirling too rapidly for me to process. So much pain, so many lies. So many memories. All the years, the life I missed out on with my parents, all because of Paradise. It shouldn’t surprise me, look what they did to me.
I rub my mother’s ring as I stare at the table, unsure what to say.
“She didn’t leave me,” I mutter.
“Never. She lived and died to get back to you.”
I lift my head. “She had a whole other life here with you…”
“I would love to tell you about it…so would she, if you want.”
“I-I think I would like that. I need a moment. I need to just think.” I shake my head bitterly. “I don’t know, maybe I need to sleep. I’m suddenly exhausted.”
“Then let’s sleep, Pip. It’s okay. He’ll be here to answer any questions whenever you want them answered, and we won’t leave until you are happy.”
I nod, and Abel smiles at me sadly. “I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll tell you whatever you want or need. Please, stay as long as you like.”
I stand silently and turn away.
“I’m so glad I got to meet you, Piper. I see now why she fought so hard, why she died to get back to you. You are worth it all. You, my child, are incredible. A miracle. Something worth fighting for. She would be so proud of you.”
I flinch, but part of my heart settles at that. I’m just another girl searching for her parents’ approval.
As I walk through the house, I swear I feel her here.
The ghost of my mother.
That night, my men hold me close between them. Their arms,
their touches and love keep me together, but there’s a hole where my beast should be, and all that separates us is a thin wall. Everyone snores around me as I stare at the wall, aching for him, wishing he was here. But he’s not, because I’m a stranger to him.
I give the wall a longing look before I force my eyes away. He needs me too. This isn’t just about me, he’s lost his entire world. All I lost was my past. Everything I thought I knew was a lie, a mistake, but at least I know the truth now, and I know my future. I know the love between my men and me will stay true today, the next day, and the day after. I know me, my own mind, and my own life.
All he knows is what we tell him.
Both of us have lost a lot here on the cliff, but my beast…
My poor beast has lost it all. I’ll try to put it back together for him, even if the jagged edges of his past, present, and future cut me. I’ll do anything to get him back, and if I can’t, if I lose him, I’ll know I did everything to help.
It’s up to him now.
All we can do is be there for him and hope it’s enough.
With that hope in my heart, I close my eyes and snuggle closer to my men. The feel of their love is wrapped around me with their arms, while the ghost of my mother watches over me.
I sleep in for the first time ever, and when I wake up, Archel is there, wrapped around me, kissing my shoulder and stroking my hair. The sun streams in through the window and warms us. Evan and Clay are gone, but I can hear murmurs and their movements downstairs, so I settle back, knowing they are okay. I allow myself to relax for a moment, knowing if Evan is up, then Jago will be okay. He will be looking after him.
I need to check on Jago, but it can wait for a minute while I take in the moment of peace and the support in my lover’s embrace. I turn to face him, and he smiles softly at me, stroking my cheek. It reminds me of a simpler time, when it was just the two of us sitting in a hut while I healed. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just go back there, but I wouldn’t have Evan, Clay, or Jago. I would lose so much just for some peace, but can there ever really be peace without love? I would be longing for them.
Missing them.
“Do you ever wish it was just us again? In that hut?” I whisper.
He blinks. I’ve clearly thrown him, but he recovers fast, and he doesn’t speak without thinking. I see him mulling it over, and I know when he opens his mouth, it will be the truth. “Yes and no. Yes, because I had you all to myself. It was just us, falling in love.”
“But no?”
“No, because you could never love just me, Princess.” I wince, and he kisses me, silencing my pain. “I know that, and I wouldn’t want it any other way now. Your heart’s too big, too precious. It needs to be protected. It needs four men to fill it and hold it for you. It’s not always easy.” He cracks a smile, making me giggle at the thought of all the fights. “But it’s worth it. I gained a family. These men…I know they will always protect you if something happens to me, and it helps me sleep easier knowing that. But they have become more. We fight, we argue, we get jealous, but doesn’t every family?”
“We aren’t whole anymore,” I remind him, tears filling my eyes.
“One day, we will be whole again, Princess, I can guarantee that. He’s just lost in the smoke at the moment, but keep pulling, keep shining through it, and he’ll find his way home.” He kisses me softly. “And we will anchor you all the way, love you even when you are struggling to love yourself. Piper, you are the heart. Remember that no matter where we go, or how far away we are, you are home.
“Have faith, Princess, even when it’s hard, because that’s when you need it the most. You are my faith, my home, my world. I know no matter what is coming on that horizon, it was worth it to be with you, to love you for as long as I did. We all do. Jago does too, deep down. In a world full of death, Princess, you showed me how to live. So let’s not live in the past. Let’s learn from it and take its lessons…like how useless you are without coffee.” I giggle as he wipes the tears away, those icy eyes soft on mine. My shadow is showing me his heart. “But live in the present right now. You’ve got us, Princess, always, now bring Jago home too.”
I nod, closing my eyes as I press my head against him. I soak in some of his conviction, strength, and love. He’s so sure I can bring him back, that we all made the right decision, that I can’t do anything but try.
“Princess, about your mother… Whatever you want to do is the right decision, but I know you, I know your heart. You need the truth, even if it kills you. Jago can’t be moved yet, so I think we should stay a while.”
“I know, I do too. I’m just so…confused. So angry.”
“You have every right to be, but you had a parent who loved you, Princess. She loved you so much, she died trying to get back to you. That’s rare.” I open my eyes then. He never speaks of his parents, but in his gaze, I see his pain. I see the truth. Whatever happened to them, it wasn’t good, nor what they did to him.
I hold him closer, and we just cuddle and contemplate. He’s right—I need to stay. I need to hear it all, watch those tapes, and let Abel tell me about my mother. I can never move forward without solidifying my past, now that it’s up in the air. It will give Jago time to heal and hopefully get his memory back. I just need to ask the others and Abel to make sure that’s okay.
Sighing, I lift my head. “We better get up before Jago busts in here and—” I wince and clear my throat. “Before the others look for us.”
“Let’s feed you, Princess, before you start getting all hangry.”
“Hangry?” I laugh, sitting up.
“Yup, hungry and angry. You are quite scary then. Even more so than when you start talking about my dick in front of Dray.” He winks, making me laugh like always.
“I do? Okay, I did that like one time…” He stares at me, and I sigh. “Five times. I can’t help it. You have a very cute penis. Like, if there was modelling for penises, you would definitely be up there, you know? Like Vogue Cock. Photo shoots for the balls—” The door opens, Evan hears that, turns around, and just leaves again, making Archel laugh and chase after him.
“Save me! She’s trying to fuck me, Doc!”
“Stop! I don’t want your cute cock on me!” he yells, running away, and I shake my head. I know they did it to cheer me up, and when I head downstairs, I see Evan being chased around the table by Archel. Clay is sitting at it, eating and watching the show, and I can’t help but laugh. I laugh so hard, I almost pee.
“Let me show you, you can decide!” Archel calls. “Get your cock out!”
“Get away from me, sex criminal!” Evan shouts back. I turn when I hear a noise and see Jago standing in the doorway, watching it all go down. His eyes go to me as I laugh, and I quiet down, but a small smile curves his lips.
“You have a beautiful laugh,” he comments. I can’t help the butterflies that take flight. I basically float—okay, stumble, to the table, since I fall over my own feet. I grab Evan as he runs past.
“Evan, you have a pretty dick too.” I throw him a grin. “Archel, stop trying to show him your penis.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, winking at me as he grabs a seat, spins it, and sits. He grabs Clay’s bowl, who snarls, reaches over, punches him, and takes it back. Rolling my eyes, I sit down, and Clay looks at me, noticing my lack of food, and without a moment’s notice, he thrusts the bowl at me. Laughing, I accept it, eating the rest of the oats as he sits back.
“Oh, so she can have food? I see how it is,” Archel whines.
“Get your own. She’s my pascha, she eats before I do. It’s respect.” Clay looks at me then. “Which I forgot in my hunger. I apologise, Pascha.” He places his fist over his chest, and I lean closer and kiss him.
“Forgiven, my mountain man,” I tease.
A throat clears, and I look back to see Jago lingering on the threshold of the room. The sight hurts my heart. “Pascha?” he asks.
Clay kicks a chair out for him, and he sits gratefully. My
heart soars at the thoughtfulness. “It’s a term of respect for our leader, our queen. I met Piper when she stormed through my mountain—”
“Walked,” I correct, rolling my eyes.
“Stole my heart, and defeated the ancient ritual.”
I smile and eat while Clay regales Jago with the story of my trial, even though he embellishes a little bit, making us all laugh as he describes my incredible leaps and fighting skills. Each word is infused with respect and love, and I can’t help but melt for my mountain man. He’s helping Jago remember, but also showing me his love without realising it. In his eyes, I’m a hero, a true leader.
It makes me sit up taller, and I almost preen under their gazes. Jago watches me with a small, unguarded smile. It’s so unlike him, but I suppose without his past, he has nothing to guard himself against. There’s a gleam of respect in his eyes and…longing. I know I’m looking at him the same.
Clay finishes, and we share some tea made by Abel, who’s sitting out on the cliff again.
“I remembered something last night,” Jago remarks.
We all freeze and become silent as my eyes jerk up to him hopefully. He winces at my expression. “I’m sorry, that was thoughtless. It wasn’t anything major…just my name. I remembered a male voice, I think my father, when I was younger, calling it to me as I ran through a house.”
“That’s great,” I encourage him, not wilting at it not being about us. It’s good news.
“If your memories are starting to return, even slowly, it means the pressure is going down, which is good.”
“We still can’t move yet.” Archel looks at me. “Piper needs to learn about her mother, and Jago needs to heal…which is why I’m thinking of leaving.”
My eyes widen, and he rushes on. “Not forever, Princess. You couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried.”
“And we’ve tried,” Evan teases.