Case of the Poodle Doodle

by Erik Schubach

  The man said as we parked and he shut the engine off. “McLeary, this is Officer Tanaka badge 2374 with Midtown Precinct North. I thought you might be interested in a tagger I just arrested, before I get her processed.”

  I cringed when she asked, “Tagger? Her?” then, “Oh Fin, what have you done now?” Then in a resigned tone, she said, “Ok Tanaka, thanks for the heads up. I can be there in... damn, rush hour, give me thirty?”

  He said, “Ten-four.” Then hung the mic up on the radio and got out. He was all smiles, bordering on a smirk when he opened the back door for me. Calvin flowed out in front of me as the man prompted, “Mrs. McLeary.” I didn't even correct him on the name as I got out and shuffled alongside him as he lead me in toward booking.

  In a moment of terror when he asked me to sit in a chair by the booking counter, I wondered if this would ruin my chances at adoption. Way to go, Finnegan, your borderline OCD may have just cost you everything. Why couldn't you just leave it alone? Was an apostrophe really worth it?

  Chapter 7 – Happy Jess-Day

  It was the longest forty-three minutes of my life, sitting in that chair while officer Tanaka whispered to the other officers that came and went. They were all smiling and pointing. That's right, make fun of the condemned woman.

  Then Jane strode in, looking for all the world to be stone-faced and serious if you didn't know her. But I saw the worry creases at the corners of her eyes that smoothed away into relief when she saw me sitting there. Cal pulled a little at the leash so I let go and he ran up to Jane as she started talking to Tanaka and the booking officer, while one of her hands drifted down absently to pet Calvin.

  They all kept stealing glances over at me. The young officer pulled out a pad and went through something with Jane before she nodded, asked something, and the men started grinning and nodding back.

  Jane stayed on the other side of the room with Tanaka while the booking officer moved over to me. The Jersey transplant, judging by his accent, said, “Ma'am, please stand on the footprints painted behind the line.”

  It felt as if all the blood in my body drained into the pit of my stomach. Jane couldn't help. This was it, I was being booked. Was this going to ruin our chances at adoption? Why had I picked up that spray can?

  Does it speak ill of me that I knew exactly what to do as I looked up into the camera then turned before he asked after the flash so that he could take the profile shot? Then the other way. The man nodded and said, “You're a real pro at this, Mrs. McLeary.”

  I whispered in shame, “McLeary-May.”

  I started toward the fingerprinting station on the counter but looked up from my shoes as I smoothed down my skirt when the man stayed at the computer and motioned Jane and Tanaka over. They looked at the screen, smiling as Jane said, “Ooo... That's a good one.”

  Then the man hit a button and then reached under the counter to the printer there and handed Jane whatever he printed. They all chuckled, and she said as she offered a hand, “Thanks for the heads up Tanaka. I'll keep her on the straight and narrow.” They clasped forearms then she inclined her head to the booking officer. “You do good work.”

  He smirked.

  What was going on? She picked up Calvin's leash then started walking away. After they got a few steps as I stared dumbly after her, she looked almost coyly over her shoulder and asked, “You coming Fin?”

  I looked at Tanaka, then the booking guy, who nudged his chin toward Jane, a smirk playing at his lips. I started scurrying after my Detective and my traitorous dog. Then paused and hustled up to Tanaka and gave the man a hug. “I'm so sorry.”

  He chuckled and said, “You better hurry up an catch up with McLeary, she doesn't strike me as someone to keep waiting.” I nodded and then rushed off, my heart beating a million beats a second as I exhaled in relief.

  I fell into step beside Jane and glanced at the mugshots of me she was admiring. I looked back then at her, then my eyes widened, and I blurted, “You really are a jerk, aren't you? I was so scared.”

  She looked from the photos to me and said as she held the paper up for me to see, “What? These are going to look great framed on the nightstand by the others.”

  I growled and grabbed Calvin's leash from her hand and marched off toward the front doors I could see in the unfamiliar precinct. My evil wife called out, “Wrong way, Einstein.”

  I turned on a heel, refusing to look at her, and waited for her to start walking the right way, then Cal and I marched past her, chins held high. Ok, I may have smiled a little at her chuckle. “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine!”

  Then her voice softened, “You ok, Finnegan?”

  I nodded and whispered as I realized we were heading to the underground parking I was brought in at. “I thought if I got arrested, we wouldn't be able to adopt.”

  She nodded and said with humor, “I'm sure they'd frown upon malicious grammar correction.”

  I sighed and whispered, “It's not funny. I was scared.”

  She said as she held the door open for us at the bottom of the stairs, “Well, you could have been arrested. Tagging and vandalism are both misdemeanor offenses. But I convinced Tanaka to let you off with a warning... which will be placed in your record. As long as we make reparations to the building owner.”

  I squinted an eye at her. Would it really be put in my record, or was she teasing? When she shrugged, telling me she knew what I was thinking, I muttered, “Jerk cop.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  I saw our SUV, and Cal and I made a show of not looking at the smarmy, grinning woman and got into the back seat. See if I was going to hold her free hand while she drove. Her honey dipped chuckle had me smiling in spite of myself.

  It was worse when we finally got home, after a quick trip to the building with the graffiti. After speaking with building security and giving my contact information for the owner to contact me, we headed back home. I hadn't even had a chance to visit Mr. Beckett in the hospital. When Jane saw the duffel bag amongst the garbage in the alley, she picked it up and put it in the trunk before we left.

  Jess and Kerry were joining in the, let's tease Finnegan party, as Jane recapped the call she got that a mad tagger loose in the city had been apprehended.

  Ker-Bear was the only one on my don't kill list, since she was hugging me from behind, saying, “Oh, honey,” as I relayed my version of my arrest.

  Jane sighed. “You weren't under arrest, pipsqueak.”

  I looked at the girls and whimpered, “Why is she always arresting me?”

  Jess joined in and pulled me behind her to protect me from my meany wife until Jane held up the mugshots. Then the ladies abandoned me to croon over the pictures. Jess commenting, “Only you can make a mugshot look like a glamour shoot, Fin.”

  Ker nodded agreement.

  I abandoned the group of teasing Amazons as I muttered while heading to the kitchen. “You'll all be lucky if I make grilled cheese sandwiches for your lack of compassion.” I pointed and made an, “Eeent!” sound when Kerry brightened and opened her mouth. I forgot she almost mainlined grilled cheese when we were kids. I needed a new threat.

  Jane sighed and set the mugshots down and moved up to me and hugged me from behind, kissing the top of my head. “To celebrate your new criminal career, what do you say we be rebels and order in tonight, love? My treat.”

  Ooo... I did feel like an outlaw a bit after that close shave. I blushed, tucked a loose curl behind my ear and whispered, “Pizza?”

  Jess was already dialing. They were all so bad. But it was good to be bad sometimes.

  I brought up as we all sat in the living room, “Luce was disappointed you weren't with me when we spoke. She's been studying police investigative procedure so she could try to connect with you.”

  Jane smiled almost wistfully, then pointed out, “But she just found out I was a detective last night. How much could she have...”

  I
cocked an eyebrow in challenge. “Enough to have defended your manual note taking by citing studies by the Klein Institute about memory retention techniques employed by law enforcement.”

  I said with a touch of pride in my tone at her surprised look, “Luce isn't like other girls.”

  Jane was nothing but smiles as she inclined her head in capitulation. “She really isn't, is she? And I'd like to speak with her the next chance we get.”

  They chuckled as I recalled the conversation I had with the slightly volatile girl earlier.

  Kerry asked, “Remind you of someone?”

  I shook my head, going through all the people we knew. Luce was strong-willed yet vulnerable though she tried to hide it through brash behavior. But the things she was passionate about consumed her. She was unique.

  What was with the look they were giving me?

  There was a knock at the door, and Jess said, “Can you get that Cal?” to my fuzzy boy who had already run to the door.

  Calvin cocked his head at her, and she rolled her eyes and said, “Men,” as she stood and headed to let the pizza delivery boy, “Dennis,” in. The poor boy had been speechless the first time he delivered here. With four women living under the same roof, but now the kid had gotten over it after a few deliveries.

  He said, “Hi, Calvin, how are your girls tonight?”

  Jessie chuckled at the kid. “Not conducive to receiving a decent tip, Denny-boy.”

  He beamed at her, lost in some nineteen-year old's fantasy, “Sorry, Mrs. Freeman.” She chuckled and tipped him well and shoved the poor boy out the door, closing it in his face.

  We all laughed when he called out a muffled, “Bye, Calvin.” Our outburst causing Cal to try to figure out what new game was afoot, so he barked once as his tail swished wildly.

  Ker asked innocently, “What do you think he'll be doing when he gets home tonight?”

  I cocked an eyebrow in challenge. “You seem awfully sure of yourself, lady.”

  She shrugged then ran a hand down her form in the air. I muttered to Calvin, “Narcissists, every one of them, boy.” He agreed with me, I could tell.

  Jess said as she set the pies on the table, “You want pizza or not, walker-girl?”

  I corrected myself as I told Cal, “Except, Red. She's all that and a bag of chips.”

  Jess gave Jane a 'so there' look. And I shook my head at how easily I bantered with all of these women who, before I had met Jane, I would have seen as so far out of my league they wouldn't give me the time of day. I smiled fondly as I looked around, this was my family.

  Jane sighed as she headed in toward the food, “Now you've done it. She has the doe eyes look again.” Then she said as she dug out the paper plates and napkins from a cupboard, “Love you.” I melted. Both because she said that, and because she knew I was a little anal about cleanliness even when we ordered in.

  It was pretty humorous really, the way Jessie kept looking around at all of us almost expectantly as we ate. We all carefully kept from looking at her. It was hard to do, and her disappointment grew as we ate. I kept checking the time discreetly as I described the graffiti artist to Jane.

  I realized, “Hey, are you interrogating me?”

  She sighed. “Your description of the man matches up with Mr. Beckett's description of his attacker. You could have been hurt, or worse, Fin. That's why I grabbed the duffel to see if I could identify him.”

  Ker and Jess sat up straighter at the mention of danger to me. By the scared squeaky toy, just what I needed, their overprotective algorithms had just been activated.

  I was saved by a knock at the door again, right at seven. Kerry, Jane and I made no attempt to get up to get it as Cal rushed over to sniff at the door. Jessie sighed heavily and stood, “No, don't get up ladies. I'll get it.” Then she started grumping under her breath as she trudged to the door, all of us watching in anticipation, “Not like I had anything better to do today. Not like it's my...”

  She opened the door, and the rest of my family shouted out, “Happy birthday, Jessie!”

  I giggled as I sprang up. Did the dense woman really think we forgot her birthday? I rushed over as the girls followed, while mom, Gar, Becky, Killer, Oscar and my super niece extraordinaire streamed in with brightly wrapped packages. Ker pulled one out of god knows where to add to the stack people were dropping in Jessie's shocked hands as they gave her cheek kisses while they migrated past her to the living room.

  Well, except for Garrett who zeroed in on the kitchen table asking, “Is this pizza for anyone?” He was already dishing up without waiting for a response. Boys and their stomachs.

  I said to Jess as I led her to the couch to sit as I unloaded the presents from her arms onto the coffee table to arrange them neatly, parallel with the table edge, “Did you really think we forgot your birthday, Red?”

  She looked embarrassed and squeaked out like me, “Sort of.”

  I looked back at the pitter patter of paws and grinned, seeing Calvin leading the two smaller dogs up the spiral staircase. They were going to have their own party it seemed.

  I made grabby hands at Becky. “Baby me.”

  As I stole Alyx, Ker almost sat on Jessie's lap as she smiled and laid her head on her girl's shoulder. “Love you, Mable.”

  I remember all those excruciating months when those two couldn't bring themselves to say the L word to each other even though they were both smitten.

  A minute later, Jess' parents arrived bearing gifts.

  Her father said, “We're not late are...” He trailed off as he moved toward the kitchen table where I had exiled Gar to until he finished eating. “Is this pizza for anyone?”

  Everyone looked at me when I exploded in a single snort of laughter. I covered my mouth and buried my head in Jane's shoulder as I said, “Help yourself.”

  He looked between us and the pizza then moved over to kiss his daughter on the cheek before joining the bottomless pit that was my twin brother.

  After a little chit chat, Kerry prompted, “Now that we're all here. Open your booty, lady.”

  After a beat, she got her inadvertent double entendre as we all stared at her. She shrugged then grabbed the first gift and shoved it into her girl's hands.

  I cringed as she just wantonly tore the paper off of it, I wrung my fingers to stop myself from grabbing it and smoothing it out, taping it back together, then folding it neatly before tossing it out.

  We had a great time, and there was only one gag gift, from her wife, but with a promise of getting her real gift later that night. I involuntarily looked toward the cabinet in the kitchen which housed my cleaning supplies.

  Then Jane nudged me. I cleared my throat, and when Jessie looked up, I said, “From Jane and me.” I dropped a key in her hand. She examined it with a furrowed brow. I grinned and said, “As part of the negotiations with Mr. DiAngelo for the upstairs expansion, I got a little something for the apartment.”

  She looked even more confused, and we had Ker's attention now too.

  I went on, “You know the fenced off area inset into the building in the back alley for the dumpsters?”

  She nodded.

  “Well, we got permits from the city to move that area into the alleyway itself. A new fenced in area is there now for those dumpsters. And the old area has been converted into two parking spots. One for our apartment 2A, and one for the building manager. It is a little too small for the SUV, so we figured it would be perfect for some impulsive redhead with a purple BMW convertible. The key is for the fence.”

  She looked stunned, her mouth working but with no words coming out. Finally, she blurted, “You got me a parking spot?” Private parking spots in the city were more rare than unicorn sightings.

  Mr. Freeman muttered, “Oh, thank god. We can use our parking spot again.” His wife backhanded his shoulder, and he beamed down at her, then hugged her to him.

  Jessie squealed and hopped up, almost knocking her wife to the fl
oor, and she hugged both Jane and me, showering us with kisses on our cheeks, our heads, my nose, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She sat back with her wife and showed her the key like it was made of solid gold.

  Jane smirked at Kerry. “Looks like you got your work cut out for you tonight.”

  My childhood friend snorted then smirked, cracking her knuckles, showing she was up for the challenge. We all laughed then we celebrated some more as everyone started sharing recent events. Jane couldn't wait to share my misadventure as she showed off the fresh mugshot. I was mortified, but we were all having such a good time.

  We said goodnight to everyone as the hour grew late. Ker and Jess left with her parents to go pick up her car. She was so giddy about being able to park here without getting one of her dozen or so parking tickets. I swear that half of her income goes to paying off the tickets before her car is booted or her license revoked.

  I exhaled and finally relaxed as I cleaned up after the successful makeshift surprise party. My wife knew better than to try to help me. I caught her using window cleaner on the table once like it was perfectly acceptable. I mean, who does that? And she knew how much cleaning calmed me.

  We spoke as I worked, and she nursed a beer. “I didn't get a chance to let Mr. Beckett know that Floof was doing ok. Your doom trooper brethren hijacked me on the way to the hospital.”

  She snorted. “You did break the law, Fin. What were you thinking?”

  I said in a tiny voice as I slapped her feet off the coffee table as I wiped it down with the proper cleaner, “I thought that he forgot the apostrophe and didn't get a chance to finish his exclamation point before I chased him off.”

  She studied me as I started folding the torn and crumpled wrapping paper sections to put into the trash bag I had in my cleaning caddy. “You really can't help it sometimes, can you?”