Bedtime Eyes

by Amy Yamada

  When she was calm, Coco could sympathize with him no matter how hateful he had been. But she still didn't think that, just because he was a child, it was okay for him to hurt people. She just didn't think it was right.

  She didn't think she would ever have a child of her own. In fact, the very idea frightened her. What would happen if she fell in love with a guy, they had a child, and then they started hating each other? The evi-

  dence of their love would still remain. The child would be living proof, and the idea of looking back on lost love made her feel sick. There was J E S S E 1 7 5

  nothing worse than remembering the feelings you used to have for someone you now hated.

  Rick accepted Jesse one hundred percent. And Jesse still loved his mother. Coco wondered why blood ties were so strong, and how it was that sexual bonds between a man and a woman could be so weak by comparison. It seemed to her that blood ties could easily break down walls of hatred, and sometimes that they could almost make time stand still.

  She was a little ashamed of herself for having told Jesse he knew nothing about women. Perhaps there was nothing more straightforward than the love between a man and a woman, and if that love was a physical love, a sexual love, two people could forgive each other anything.

  For that reason Coco thought that if Jesse were a grown man and she were having a sexual relationship with him, then most of these problems wouldn't even exist. Right now she needed a man. She needed a man's body. A man to console her, a man to take her in his arms and comfort her.

  "Someone's at the door!"

  The sound of Jesse's voice brought Coco back down to earth again and she hurried to the door. There was Greg, her old boyfriend, standing on the doorstep looking sheepish.

  "How did you find me? How did you know I was here?" she asked.

  "Hey," he shot back. "I'm the one with the questions. I thought we were friends, but I had to hear it from Kay that you had become a mother."

  It was typical of Greg to turn up out of the blue like this when she was feeling so down.

  Coco invited him in.

  "I hear you're having a hard time with the kid."

  "Yeah, that's right."

  "Okay, just leave it to me. I'm a dad myself now."

  I $ 6 A M Y Y A M A D A

  || didn't know you had a kid!"

  "Sure, I even had to marry the mother in the end!"

  Greg smiled and gave her a wink. Instantly, Coco began to feel at ease

  "Hey, man, how ya doin'?" Greg called out in greeting to Jesse.

  Jesse looked apprehensively at Greg's large, muscular frame. Coco couldn't help laughing to herself as she went into the kitchen to make them some drinks. Jesse's usual tough-guy routine had sudde%; vanished—he couldn't get away with it in front of someone like Greg.

  Greg's size belied a relaxed, laid-back manner, and he was one of the few men Coco enjoyed spending time with even after they had split up.

  When she came back with the drinks, the two were companionably en-grossed in a TV game. Whenever Jesse swore at him, Greg just roughed up his hair and swore back. It was the first time Coco had seen Jesse this happy, and the first time she had actually seen him behaving like a normal child.

  Coco smiled as she watched the two concentrating on their game.

  Anybody who saw them might mistake them for a close, happy family, when they really didn't know each other at all. There were no blood ties between any of them, and the only link between Greg and Coco was their feelings for each other.

  Coco felt as though she had been rescued.

  "Okay, I think it's time for all good children to be in bed," said Greg finally. "How about you go brush your teeth?"

  Jesse didn't look too happy about it, but Greg moved over to the table and sat down with Coco.

  "He's just a normal boy," he said when Jesse had gone.

  "Greg, you've just met him for the first time today. That's why you think he's normal. But I'm with him every day, and he's not like this most of the time. I can't sit and play video games with him all day, can I?"

  "Like I said, he's just a normal boy. He's just sulking," said Greg, savoring his glass of Crown Royal. Coco remembered how much he loved j e s s e / 7 7

  that particular whiskey, and how, when they were together, she automat-ically poured him a glass when he came by to see her.

  "I find it really easy to fall in love with guys," she confessed. "And sex just seems to solve so many problems—after sex, a lot of the crap just disappears."

  "But you don't need sex in a relationship for it to be good, do you?"

  he replied, glancing up at her. "Take us, for example. You still enjoy being with me, don't you?"

  Coco paused for a second, then nodded.

  "And since we split up, you and I haven't made love, but from time to time when I think about you I start smiling and I just can't stop."

  Coco burst out laughing.

  "Greg—you're still in love with me, aren't you!"

  "Of course I am," he replied. "Platonic love is such a sad thing."

  The whiskey was making Coco feel warm and relaxed.

  She laughed and said, "I love you, too."

  "Thanks," said Greg. "Hey, why not show the kid a bit of love, too?

  Love him like a brother, the same way you love me?"

  It was a new way of looking at the situation. Greg had always had the ability both to surprise and delight Coco with his spin on life. It was one of his talents.

  By this time she was feeling much better. She knew how lucky she was to have a good friend like Greg so close by.

  They laughed and drank together till it was late, talking about their friends and their jobs. To Coco it felt as though it had been a long time since she had been this happy, and she thought how much more fun they might have if they could finish the evening by falling into bed together.

  But as soon as the thought entered her head she realized it was wrong, and she crossed her legs tightly, defending herself from her urge to move closer to him.

  It was obvious that Greg knew Coco was interested, but he pre--

  I $ 6 A M Y Y A M A D A

  tended he didn't notice, so they sat together all evening, just enjoying each other s company until it was time for him to leave.

  At the door, as he was about to say good-bye, Greg had the same sheepish look on his face he'd had when he had arrived earlier that evening.

  "Even if it has to be platonic love, we're still allowed to kiss each other, aren't we?" he suggested with a grin.

  Coco realized that he had seen through her attempt to disguise her feelings for him, and she felt her face burning with embarrassment. She tried to think of something to say, but before she could open her mouth she felt Greg's lips pressed tightly against her own.

  They kissed each other passionately, hungrily, and it was several minutes before they managed to pull themselves apart.

  "I wonder if this is against the rules?" he asked her, and he chuckled to himself as he turned to leave.

  Coco stood at the door and waved good-bye to Greg. She didn't feel even the slightest bit guilty. The whiskey was still spinning around in her head, making her feel dizzy and a little tired, but it was a nice feeling. She tried to be serious but a dirty smile came over her face, embarrassing her even more, and she found herself chuckling as she closed the door behind her.

  Coco screamed. Jesse was standing there pointing a gun at her.

  For a moment she was paralyzed with fear and couldn't say a words but she quickly realized that the pistol was just a toy.

  "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled. "Don't frighten me like that, do you hear?"

  Jesse stood motionless in front of her, his lips taut with rage, and he glared at her through narrow eyes, accentuating his Japanese features.

  "Put the damn gun down, will you! I don't like it."

  "What did you do}" demanded Jesse menacingly.

  "What?"

  J E S S E / 7 9


  "Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, you bitch!"

  Jesse's face was ghosdy white and his hands were shaking. Coco suddenly realized what he was talking about and with a barely stifled laugh she said, "It was just a kiss."

  Jesse pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang and a toy bullet shot out of the barrel of the gun and hit Coco's hand.

  "All right now, that's enough. That hurt."

  "I'm telling my dad," he retorted.

  Uh-oh, that might be a problem, she thought, rubbing the back of her hand ruefully. Of course, she hadn't slept with Greg, but she had spent a very enjoyable evening with him. More important, though, she had invited a man into the apartment and he'd stayed late into the night.

  If Rick found out, she knew he wouldn't be happy about it.

  "You're jealous, aren't you?" said Coco, trying to change the subject.

  She waited for Jesse's reaction. To her surprise, his expression changed from tight-lipped anger to pouting confusion.

  "Greg's just my friend. Surely I don't need to tell you that friends kiss each other, do I? Like this . . . "

  She leaned forward and kissed him on his cheek.

  Jesse just stood there in stunned silence, but as soon as he saw that Coco was smiling, his face went bright red and he ran back to his room.

  Coco was surprised at his reaction, but she thought it was sweet and she felt close to him for the first time since they had been living together.

  It wasn't a strong feeling and it was far from love, but she remembered what Greg had told her: "Love him like a brother."

  And that was the moment she decided it was time to bring her stuff over to the house and move in.

  In the day Coco moved her stuff into Rick's house, she got a 1 call from him. She expected him to be devastated over the loss of his father, but he sounded surprisingly cheerful,

  , "Hey, babe, how you holdin' up?" she asked, concerned.

  "Well, we all thought Dad was breathing his last but somehow he's made a complete recovery. He's even started complaining that he wants some booze! So I decided to go back to my mother's place, and me and my brothers went out to the club where we used to hang out. Then I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to take a holiday, so I decided to stay here for a while. How's Jesse?"

  "He's fine," she replied shortly, feeling like a fool for having been so worried about him.

  Rick told her he would be back in a few days, and hung up without the hint of an apology.

  The hell with him, she thought, and began to unpack.

  Coco began to wonder if Rick really loved her. When they first met he had seemed so anxious to make sure she was happy, but there was none of that in his phone call. While she was left at home worrying, he was taking it easy with his family. He was oblivious to what she was go-i 6o

  A M Y Y A M A D A

  ing through, and although that was one of the things she loved most about him, she was still taken aback. Anyway, he would be home again in a few days, and then the uncomfortable situation with Jesse would be easier to handle: when Rick came home she could go back to being a baby and he would look after her.

  "Your dad will be back in a few days," she told Jesse.

  "Uh-huh," he replied disinterestedly, opening up one of her boxes.

  He was more interested in finding out what she had brought with her than helping her to unpack.

  During the past few days, much to her surprise, Jesse had begun opening up to Coco. When she came home after work, he sat slumped in a chair across the room and watched her make dinner. Every now and then something would happen—like one day, the steaks she had been preparing disappeared. She searched frantically but couldn't find them anywhere. Then, with an impish grin, Jesse motioned for her to follow him to the bathroom. Sure enough, there they were, stuck to the wall like a couple of giant red amoebas. When she turned around to yell at him, Jesse had already run away. As tired as Coco was of his pranks, she found herself gradually getting used to them. He was still rude to her and he still didn't have any friends, but he finally seemed to be letting his guard down, and his tricks seemed to be aimed more at getting her attention than causing her constant irritation.

  One day, Jesse said he wanted to cook dinner. Coco agreed because she knew that if she said no he would probably destroy the kitchen.

  While he worked away, she spent almost an hour waiting nervously in the living room. Finally Jesse called out, "It's ready!"

  Coco went into the kitchen.

  On the table was a plate. And on the plate there was a single potato.

  Big plate, small potato. Sitting across the table from each other, they ate it together. Coco was starving, but because the potato was smothered in J E S S E / 8 $

  sour cream, she found it unusually satisfying, and they ate in silence as though they were savoring a rare gourmet meal.

  It was through these experiences that Coco began to discover a little more about Jesse.

  Greg was right—he was just a kid, after all. Coco suddenly remembered the time Jesse had kicked her and stood over her glaring with anger, but now it was as though it had never happened.

  There was still friction between Jesse and Coco of course, but that was because Jesse didn't really know how to behave like a child. Sub-consciously, kids play up to adults, and adults are usually happy to go along with it and give them treats like candy, toys, and kisses. But Jesse didn't know how to show the sweeter side of his nature, so he didn't reap the same rewards as normal children. In that sense, Coco felt Jesse wasn't doing his duty as a child. She felt sorry for him because she had been playing the cute card since she was a little girl, and it had never failed to work for her. When Rick came back she planned to use those same tried-and-true techniques to make sure she got her own way again. She just wished that Jesse could pick up on some of her skills and use them himself.

  That afternoon/after putting away all her stuff, Jesse and Coco decided to have a snack in front of the TV, so Jesse said he would make popcorn in the frying pan. Coco loved buttered popcorn. Jesse rushed to the kitchen before his favorite program started. Coco was searching through the cupboard for things to make Ovaltine for Jesse and a mar-tini for herself.

  The telephone rang. It was Greg. Coco was already in a good mood because she had finished moving in and put all her stuff away, and now she was even happier because Greg had called. So happy, in fact, that she started chatting and completely forgot about making their drinks.

  Coco had been wanting to tell Greg that her relationship with Jesse I $ d A M Y Y A M A D A

  was finally getting a little better. The sound of his voice, deep and smooth like chocolate, made her smile and he told her he was glad she was doing fine. It was always nice to hear Greg's voice, so she didn't notice when Jesse asked her how much butter he should put in the pan. A few seconds later she sensed something was wrong and looked up. Jesse was standing in front of her with the hot pan of sizzling butter only inches away. She froze in fear.

  Jesse leaned forward and pressed the hot metal into the side of her face.

  Coco screamed and dropped the phone, instinctively covering her face with her hands and crouching on the floor. She could hear Greg shouting from the receiver on the floor. Jesse was rooted to the spot with the frying pan in his hand.

  After a few painful seconds Coco suddenly came to her senses. In a panic, she lunged forward, pushed Jesse aside, and rushed to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror.

  "Oh my god . . . " she whispered in disbelief.

  An angry red burn stretched across her cheek to her temple. It looked like a piece of cloth that had got caught on a nail and been ripped apart.

  "Sorry, Coco..."

  Jesse had come in and was standing right behind her. When she heard his voice, she exploded with rage.

  "Don't you come near me!" she hissed. "I hate you! Do you hear me?

  I never want to see your face again. You're a monster and you can go to hell for all I
care!"

  Swearing and muttering under her breath as though she were possessed, Coco turned the tap on full and splashed cold water on her cheek to ease the pain.

  When she finally calmed down, she remembered she had been talking to Greg on the phone. She went to the kitchen with a towel pressed J E S S E

  to her face and found the phone hung up. On the table was a basket of untouched popcorn.

  Coco wanted to cry. She tried to stifle the emotion but hot, angry tears poured down her cheeks as she took ice out of the freezer. Jesse had disappeared and she didn't care where he had gone.

  She spent the night with ice pressed against the side of her face, crying from the pain. Greg called again because he was worried about her, but she was so angry she could barely put two words together. She could no longer rationalize Jesse's actions. He had scarred her face. Anywhere but her face! Her head reeled with despair.

  The bond she had been working so hard to create between the two of them had snapped, and now Coco felt nothing but hatred for Jesse.

  He was too immature to understand the kind of love where a smile could be rewarded with another smile.

  Coco loathed Jesse with a passion.

  C H A P T E R E I G H T

  The next morning, Coco was awakened by a large hand gendy rocking her shoulder. She was exhausted because she had been crying all night and the ice had melted, leaving a large wet spot on the sheets.

  "Hey, baby. How you doing?"

  It was Rick. She heard him put his bag under the bed. She had longed for him to come back, but now that he was here, she was too exhausted even to smile.

  "Rick ..." she said weakly.

  Tears began to well up in her eyes again, and as they poured down her face, she almost forgot why she was crying.

  Rick thought she was crying because she was so happy to have him back, and taking her chin in his hand, he lifted her face toward his to kiss her.

  "Jesus, what happened to you?" he exclaimed. "How'd you get that?

  Baby, are you okay?"

  Somehow Coco managed to tell him what had happened. There was no other way to explain the hideous scar on her face.