Scared Shiftless: An Ex-Shifter turned Vampire Hunter Urban Fantasy (The Legend of Nyx Book 1)

by Theophilus Monroe

  “Seven.”

  I grunted. He’d gotten it right. “Alright, how about now?”

  “One thousand seven hundred and sixty-five and a half.”

  “Damn!” I cursed. “You can read my mind.”

  Brucie took one more long draw from his cigar and flicked the rest into the river before exhaling it, again, into my face. “Told you so.”

  “Please don’t do that,” I said. “It smells awful.”

  “I know,” Brucie said. “I’m reading your mind, remember?”

  I sighed. “So once I catch Alice and eat her, I’ll go back to normal.”

  Brucie cracked his knuckles. I’m not sure why they cracked since he seemed completely made of water, but I heard a pop no less. “Probably not right away. I mean, you’d have to go back into the water. We’d have to recombine again, and then, after a while, once all the human filth you’ve accumulated washes away… sure, you should be good as new.”

  I bit my lip. “Do I have to go back to how I was before?”

  Brucie shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, no one knows what will happen after you actually eat a vampire’s flesh. And then, if you don’t drag her down into the water to consume her as is customary… well, we’re getting into uncharted water. Pun intended.”

  I nodded. “So should I or shouldn’t I try to eat the vampire?”

  “Of course you should,” Brucie said. “But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t gotten used to some of the finer things of an independent existence.”

  “Like cigars?”

  “Cigars, whiskey, women…”

  “Women?” I asked. “You mean to tell me you’ve been with women?”

  “As many as I can handle,” Brucie said. “They meet me. At first they’re frightened. Haven’t seen anything like me before. Then they decide I’m cute. That’s my in. But once I show them what I can do, the pleasures I can…”

  “Alright!” I said. “That’s more than I need to know. You’re basically saying you’re in no hurry to re-mingle our essences again?”

  “No rush on my end, buddy!”

  I nodded. “So say I eat this vampire’s heart—if I can even stomach it—and I decide not to go back to the river?”

  “It’s never been done,” Brucie said. “But I’m guessing you’d recover something of your ability. But you wouldn’t lose your human form completely.”

  “So I could change my appearance?”

  “Probably, but I think the same principles would apply. You’d still have to target someone, claim them as your next meal. And then you’d be at their mercy, becoming whatever it is they desire most.”

  I nodded. “So if I want to become a woman… If I want a woman’s body…”

  “Target someone into women. A straight man, maybe a lesbian. Just make sure that their ideal lines up with what you hope to become.”

  “And I won’t have to eat them?”

  “You’ll want to. I mean, do you really think your obsession to hunt this vampire is really all about vengeance? It’s a natural drive, a part of the process. It’s a part of what you are.”

  “You mean, what we are?”

  Brucie shrugged. “I’m just a part of your conscience, sis. The drive to feed, to hunt, that’s all you.”

  “I still don’t understand. What kind of conscience did I have before that I don’t now?”

  Brucie stared at me. “A conscience doesn’t just tell you what you can’t do. It also grants you permission to do what you must.”

  I cocked my head. “So you are why I never had any moral qualms about eating humans?”

  “I suppose I had something to do with that,” Brucie said. “A sprite is a necessary part of every Neck’s survival. Without us, you might begin to empathize with the humans whose shape you take.”

  I grunted. “But you said you like humans now, too?”

  “I enjoy them,” Brucie said. “There’s a difference.”

  “Alright,” I said. “Then I’ll do it.”

  “You’ll accept the vampire Wolfgang’s help?”

  “Stop reading my mind, man! It’s kind of creeping me out. Especially since I can’t read yours back.”

  “Hard not to,” Brucie said. “It’s sort of like trying not to listen to a conversation happening right next to you.”

  “Just try not to listen,” I said. “Or don’t try. Do whatever you want. I need to get going if I’m going to meet up with the vampire in time.”

  “You think I’m letting you do this alone?”

  “I figured…”

  “Hell no,” Brucie said, answering his own rhetorical question. “I’m in the mood for an adventure! Plus, it’ll be fun. You know, for old times’ sake.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  There’s really only one downside to wearing heels: they aren’t exactly conducive to sneaking around. But since vampires have super hearing anyway, the distinct sound of walking into an area in heels has always worked to my advantage.

  No matter what I wore, they’d hear me.

  But the click of my heels against the ground… it was becoming a part of my brand, striking terror into vampire hearts.

  And I looked good doing it.

  Needless to say, Wolfgang knew I was coming as I climbed through the window at the Edge of Hell. He was reclining casually in the same chair I’d bound him to before. Only now he’d grabbed a box of props—the stuff they pulled out when the haunted house was in season to help their actors scare patrons.

  “You’ve returned,” Wolfgang said. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d show up at all.”

  I stared at the vampire, locking my baby blues onto his ravenous reds. “It’s barely after sunset.”

  Wolfgang shrugged. “Still, I expected you’d be waiting for me if you were going to take me up on my offer. I mean, how long has it been since you, you know?”

  I sighed. “Five years.”

  Wolfgang nodded. “And who’s the little friend?”

  “The name’s Brucie,” Brucie piped up. “And big things come in small packages, buddy.”

  “Is that so?” Wolfgang asked.

  “That’s what she said, anyway!” Brucie snapped back, grinning ear to ear.

  “So what’s the plan, Wolfy?” I asked.

  Wolfgang tilted his head. “Wolfy?”

  I shrugged. “Your name is a mouthful.”

  Wolfy snorted. “Sounds like a better nickname for a werewolf…”

  “‘Gang’ doesn’t really work,” I said.

  “Just Wolf,” the vampire said, folding his hands across his chest. “If you’re going to shorten my name, don’t add a Y to it. It defeats the purpose.”

  I raised my eyebrow. “Does it now?”

  “Wolfgang is two syllables. Wolfy is, too. If you’re shortening my name because it’s too much of a mouthful, it’s illogical to remove the proper syllable for another one… especially one that feels diminutive.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine, I’ll just call you Wolfgang, then.”

  The vampire smiled. “As you should.”

  “So, what is the plan?” I put my hands on my hips even as Brucie reclined on my right shoulder. “And why do you need my help at all?”

  “I need you to infiltrate the Order of the Morning Dawn,” Wolfgang said.

  “Why?” I asked, shrugging. “I mean, if they had any information on Alice, wouldn’t they just give it to you?”

  “They aren’t exactly inclined to help me out.”

  “But you said they wanted you to eliminate Alice,” I said. “And if you did, they’d leave you alone.”

  “Doesn’t mean they’re inclined to help me. In truth, Alice and I are the only two former nightwalkers who either didn’t turn themselves in for elimination or they couldn’t capture once the program was terminated.”

  “So the Order isn’t exactly on your side?”

  Wolfgang shook his head. “The offer they gave me, I presume, is available to her as well. If she eliminates me, she too would se
cure immunity from the Order’s pursuits.”

  I shook my head. “It sounds like a fly negotiating with a horse.”

  Wolfgang nodded. “The fly is an annoyance. It cannot kill the horse. But the horse can’t swat at the fly, either.”

  “You picked up on my metaphor,” I said, grinning slightly.

  “And it’s a better one, I think, than you anticipated. Because I truly cannot do much to undermine the Order, particularly when they only meet under the cover of the morning’s light.”

  I cocked my head. “You could hunt them down one by one at night, couldn’t you?”

  “Two problems with that,” Wolfgang said. “The first one being that I can’t enter their homes without an invitation.”

  “I forgot about that,” I said. “What is it, exactly, that prevents you from breaking and entering?”

  “Humans wield magic,” Wolfgang said. “It’s subtle. They don’t even realize it. But the bond of a family, when they make a place their home, it unleashes a spell that prevents the entry of the undead.”

  “Fascinating,” I said, biting my lip. “And the second reason?”

  “I don’t know the identities of any of the local members.”

  I scrunched my brow. “How do you not know who they are?”

  Wolfgang shrugged. “Different chapters of the Order handled their relationship with the nightwalkers differently. On the East Coast, where the nightwalkers originated and where Alice was made, the nightwalkers always knew the names of their handlers.”

  “Handlers? You refer to the humans in the Order as your handlers?”

  “We’re basically assassins,” Wolfgang said. “I mean, we used to be. They’d identify a vampire or witch that needed to be dealt with, and we’d carry out the kill.”

  “But here in the Midwest,” I said, “the Order operates differently?”

  Wolfgang nodded. “They’re less trusting here. Maybe it’s just because most of the nightwalkers they worked with in this chapter weren’t a part of the Order here before they were turned. Most of us were made by the original chapter in Rhode Island.”

  “And you want me to infiltrate them?” I asked. “How exactly would I do that?”

  Wolfgang reached into a pocket on the inside of his tweed jacket. The old-school vamp needed a serious makeover. Like, he’d be a prime candidate for Queer Eye for the Dead Guy. Hence the tweed jacket that said, “college professor” more than it resembled anything you’d think a vampire might wear.

  I mean, the night before he was in black—more typical of a vampire seeking to remain hidden under the cover of the night. But he’d gone out the other night intending to hunt. Tonight he had a different agenda.

  Wolfgang handed me a pamphlet from a church about an hour west of Kansas City.

  I cocked my head. I knew the church. Who didn’t? Particularly folks in my community. They were the people who showed up with their “God Hates” signs and protested anything that had to do with LGBTQ. Even funerals. It was a wonder I hadn’t seen them outside any of my performances. I suppose I wasn’t a big enough name to merit their bigoted attentions. “You can’t be serious.”

  “It’s where they meet,” Wolfgang said. “I don’t think they’re members of the church, if that helps. They just operate out of their facilities.”

  “Doesn’t help,” I said. “You seriously expect me, of all people, to set foot in that forsaken place?”

  Wolfgang shrugged. “Well, not dressed like that.”

  “This is me.”

  “And a part of going undercover is playing a part. The whole point is to act, to pretend you’re someone else.”

  I sighed. “I’m not going to participate in anything that so-called church does.”

  “You don’t have to,” Wolfgang said. “But you’re a vampire hunter, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then you’re in a prime position to make yourself useful to the handlers. And since you aren’t a vampire, you might actually get some names. If you’re good enough, eventually they’ll give you bigger contracts.”

  I scratched my head. “To eliminate the likes of you and Alice?”

  “They’ve never stopped trying,” Wolfgang said. “And if you’re good enough, it’s just a matter of time.”

  I sighed. “Time… How long do I have to put on this charade?”

  Wolfgang grinned widely. “It shouldn’t take long. Their hunters, the ones they’ve hired now, they’re amateurs. Not good for much more than eliminating younglings. Prove you’re better than that and it shouldn’t be long before you’re coming after me. And Alice.”

  “Sounds like a plan!” Brucie piped up.

  I glanced at him on my shoulder, narrowing my eyes.

  “What?” Brucie asked. “It’s a good plan.”

  I sighed. I had to admit, it wasn’t an awful idea. “So once I get the contract for Alice, then what?”

  “The handlers will also turn over all their intelligence on her whereabouts,” Wolfgang said. “Bring it to me and we’ll track her down together.”

  “And what if they give me a contract for you first?” I asked. “You aren’t nearly so hard to eliminate as her.”

  Wolfgang smiled. “I can be if I want to be, Nyx.”

  I cocked my head. “Are you saying you meant for me to stake you the other night?”

  Wolfgang steepled his hands in front of his face. “It was a gamble, I have to admit, especially with your recent track record. I had to trust you would recognize that I wasn’t like the younglings you’ve been eliminating as of late.”

  I nodded. “Well, I suppose I should feel complimented that you trusted my skill. So, you’re saying they won’t ask me to kill you before they assign me Alice?”

  Wolfgang cleared his throat. “They haven’t sent any hunters my way in some time. Not since we came to an agreement. Alice is far more notorious, in their book, than me. She’s the bigger threat. And in their minds, until they can find a hunter who can take her down, I’m still their second-best option.”

  “Why second best?”

  “Because they’d still prefer to use a hunter to kill Alice than rely on me to do it. Which is another reason they’ve been less than forthcoming with their intelligence on her whereabouts.”

  “Because if a hunter eliminates her rather than you, they would no longer be bound to their deal with you.”

  “Precisely,” Wolfgang said. “Which is why when you receive a contract to eliminate Alice, you need to bring me the information. I will help you eliminate her, and while you’re good, trust me… you’re not good enough to handle her on your own.”

  I took a deep breath. I knew Wolfgang was probably right. Alice had evaded me before, even when I had a vampire and a werewolf at my side to help. Back at the asylum…

  I could use Wolfgang’s help, as much as I didn’t like it on two fronts. I didn’t like working with a vampire. But to work with the Order? I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that they were affiliated with that particular… church.

  Hell, I’d never been to any church before. Not that I was opposed to religion. I mean, as legend would have it, the God of the Bible was also the God of the great flood, the one who drowned the Egyptians when Moses parted the sea.

  The Judeo-Christian God had a track record of providing my kind with ready-to-eat meals. No shapeshifting required. Delivered right to our watery lairs.

  If anything, I was inclined to offer the deity a tip for speedy delivery. At least, I would if he ever decided to renege on his promise not to flood the world again. Or if he ever decided to conduct a baptism in the waters I happened to inhabit.

  I mean, how much easier could it get?

  I sighed. At least that’s how I used to feel about it all… before I’d grown to appreciate a few of those who happen to belong to the human race.

  I was also mostly ambivalent about the Order of the Morning Dawn. Heretofore I’d only known them as a bunch of zealots who happened to hunt vampires. Sure,
I was less inclined to support their hate of witches. Witches had often partnered with my kind, but it had been a while since witches were a priority for the Order.

  So, my feelings about the Order were along the lines of an-enemy-of-my-enemy sort of thing. They were trying to do the same thing I was, even if I didn’t share their beliefs or motives.

  But from my human experiences, given who I was and who my friends were, the whole idea that the Order was even loosely affiliated with that church, even if they only met in their facilities…

  A part of me didn’t want to get involved.

  I loathed the idea of even having to pretend to be one of them.

  But Wolfgang’s plan wasn’t bad. And it was the best chance I had of getting actual, hard evidence of Alice’s whereabouts.

  “Alright,” I said. “I’ll do it.”

  Wolfgang smiled wide. “I suspected you would.”

  “But here’s the hard part. If I’m going to be the one to kill Alice, if I’m going to eat her heart, somehow we have to give the Order the impression that you actually completed the kill.”

  Wolfgang nodded. “You eat her heart, I’ll deliver the heartless body. For us it’s a win-win, is it not?”

  I nodded. “I suppose it is. And you trust that once we’re done with this, I won’t turn on you? I mean, you’re still a vampire.”

  “Are you planning to?”

  I shook my head. “I haven’t decided.”

  “When you go back to your kind,” Wolfgang said, “I highly doubt you’ll want to mess with any more vampires… given your last experience. Not to mention, there’s something about you… a loyalty to those whom you’ve aligned yourself with before.”

  I cocked my head. “You don’t know that much about me.”

  Wolfgang smiled wide. I diverted my eyes to a blank wall. Something about when he grinned, displaying his fangs… it was proof of what he was. Not like I ever forgot. But it’s one thing if you just happen to know that someone owns a gun, that they have one hidden away somewhere. It’s another thing if they have it out on display. For a vampire, smiling had a similar effect on me.

  The shrink at the asylum suggested I might have a case of post-traumatic stress disorder. A euphemism, I figured, for the terror associated with an experience that robbed me of everything I ever was.