Very Nearly Dead

by A K Reynolds

  He stopped slouching against the wall, and managed somehow to slouch without anything to lean against. This talent lent him an insolent air which always enraged the teachers at St Benedict’s. As he turned to walk back to the school, his followers did the same.

  ‘Yes, see you,’ I said, half-raising my hand to wave goodbye. Then I thought the better of it. Cool people didn’t wave goodbye.

  ‘What do you think “fun” means, Kylie?’ I asked.

  She shrugged.

  ‘I don’t know, but I’m game.’

  I told my parents I was having a sleepover at Kylie’s house. They would’ve had fits if they’d known I was going to a party organised by the most notorious boy at St Benedict’s. My cover story wasn’t a complete lie – I was staying over at Kylie’s. I was, however, going to the garage party with her beforehand.

  We got ready together in her bedroom with a Destiny’s Child album providing background music. She had a new outfit from Miss Selfridge which showed off her trim figure, while I was wearing an old pair of tatty jeans and a T-shirt. She sat in front of her dressing table and used her make-up to transform herself into a precociously knowing and sexy teenage doll, very different to the studious mouse I’d met only weeks before. I felt rather inadequate next to her, having little more than the naked skin of my face on display.

  ‘Amazing,’ I said, observing her transformation.

  She smiled with unnaturally full red lips and pointed to a pile of back-issues of fashion magazines.

  ‘There’s loads of how-tos in those. Why don’t you wear any?’

  ‘My mum won’t let me.’

  ‘You can use mine: just make sure you wash your face before you go to bed and she’ll never know. I’ll help you.’

  She vacated the chair in front of her dressing table and, with a wave of her hand, invited me to sit on it. When I did she put a pillowcase over my shoulders to protect my clothes, then busied herself transmuting me for what seemed like ages, her fingers working make-up over my eyelids, my entire face, and lips. When she was finished, I turned my head to look in the mirror but she stood in front of it blocking my view.

  ‘Not yet,’ she said. ‘Put one of my dresses on before checking what you look like.’

  She ferreted around in her wardrobe and took out a red number.

  I shook my head.

  ‘Go on,’ she insisted, ‘give it a whirl.’

  It was close fitting, rather too revealing for my liking, and made from a silky fabric. Against my better judgement I put it on and she zipped up the back. Finally, I looked at myself in her mirror.

  The person looking back at me was a stranger to me. Just as Kylie was no longer Kylie, I’d become someone else – someone made-up and tarty. I wasn’t sure I cared for the new me – but I didn’t want to offend Kylie, so I said, ‘Thank you, Kylie’ and made a mental note never to allow this to happen again.

  Her mum’s eyes widened when she saw us. ‘You do look different, both of you,’ she said. ‘You’ve become young women ready for a night out on the town.’

  I wondered why she wasn’t disapproving and why she didn’t insist we at least tone down the make-up.

  ‘Time to go, Mum,’ said Kylie, and any opportunity I might’ve had to reverse things and look more like me was lost. Kylie gave her mum an address Seth had texted to her and her mum dropped us off.

  ‘Call me when you’re ready to come home,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t worry, I will,’ said Kylie.

  I wondered why there was no curfew as there was in my own house. Had it been my mum dropping us off (which was impossible as she didn’t have a car) her parting shot would’ve been: ‘I’ll be picking you up at midnight.’ She would have added: ‘And woe betide you, if you keep me waiting.’ She would’ve meant it, too. That was the Sasquatch for you. I sometimes wondered whether her spitefulness was what made me mean. Beth wasn’t the first person to have had an accident after crossing me.

  We climbed from the car and Kylie’s mum watched us make our way up the drive to a double garage, which, in size and appearance, resembled a small house with a pitched roof. It had eight small windows set high up in the big double doors at the front. A young man with dark hair and a round face was watching from one of them. He disappeared for a moment, then reappeared at the side of the garage. I recognised him – he was one of the group who’d been hanging round with Seth when he’d given us cigarettes.

  ‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I’m Charlie. Follow me.’

  When Kylie’s mum saw Charlie and was satisfied we seemed to know him, and he didn’t pose a threat, she drove off. It occurred to me the Sasquatch had her virtues. She did her best to make sure I was safe, even if, in other ways, she got right on my tits.

  Charlie led us around the side of the garage to a door and opened it. A Limp Bizkit album boomed from within. We went inside where we encountered a crowd of teenagers. In a corner there was a table groaning under the weight of countless bottles of Two Dogs, Castaway, Hooch and Bud. Seth stood nearby, surrounded by admirers. With his confidence and good looks, not to mention his Superdry T-shirt and faded Levis, Seth was probably what a lot of young women would have considered attractive. I wasn’t immune, but I had my doubts about him.

  He saw us and pointed at the booze, so we got a bottle of beer each and began drinking. Kylie approached Seth, and I followed. He glanced at Kylie then turned to me, his eyeballs wandering slowly up and down my body from head to foot. I felt horribly exposed in my tight red dress, and was all too aware how provocative that, and my mask of tarty make-up, were.

  ‘Wow, you look different,’ he said, raising his voice so we could hear him above the din of the music. Then he leaned over and touched his face to Kylie’s cheek, and kissed my cheek with his lips. I pulled away and he raised his eyebrows.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I don’t bite.’ It seemed to be his stock saying. I wish I’d known it was a lie.

  ‘I know, it’s just that we’ve only just met,’ I said.

  There was more to it than that. There was the secret which was eating me up and throwing me off balance.

  ‘Grab yourselves some beer and have a good time,’ he said. ‘We’ll get to know each other later.’

  Me and Kylie walked around sizing up the other partygoers, finished our beers, and went back to the booze table to get some more.

  ‘Who paid for this stash?’ Kylie asked no-one in particular as she opened hers.

  Charlie was standing nearby talking to a girl, but even so he heard her. ‘Seth did,’ he said. ‘Seth always has money. He’s loaded.’

  ‘Where does he get it from?’ she asked.

  Charlie tapped his nose and got back to his other conversation.

  ‘Weird,’ said Kylie, putting her bottle to her bright red lips.

  I did the same – I didn’t like the taste, but forced it down. We mingled for a while, and fended off the attentions of the teenage boys who kept hitting on us. Just as my head started to spin, Seth appeared. By now people were dancing. He took my hand and pulled me into the moving throng. I didn’t object, being drunk and relaxed. He danced in front of me, and I could see he moved well. I caught the rhythm of the music and danced myself, basking in the attention as his eyes again moved appreciatively up and down my body. In spite of my feelings about him, it sent a thrill of excitement through my guts. I don’t know how long we danced together but after a while he said, ‘We could go out and enjoy a cigarette.’

  I brushed back my hair with my hand. It was hot in the garage, and I felt I needed some fresh air, so I said, ‘Yes, all right. Good idea.’

  He led me outside to the back of the garage. A garden lay beyond it, bathed in a pale light from the outdoor lighting. Above us the moon gleamed in the night sky. He looked into my eyes and put his arms around my waist.

  ‘You do know I like you a lot, don’t you?’ he said, bringing his face close to mine until he was kissing me on the lips.

  For a moment I responded then I pull
ed away. There was something about the situation I found uncomfortable. I had reservations about Seth, but that wasn’t what stopped me responding to his advances. In spite of my reservations I was attracted to him. He had a charismatic something I liked. Most girls liked it. But I wasn’t ready for this sort of thing yet, not after what’d happened to me. Maybe at some time in the future he’d do something like this again and I’d be able to respond the way I should. Or when I’d got my head right, I’d come on to him in a situation like this. But not now, not here.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s not you, this just doesn’t feel right to me.’

  I feared he’d be disappointed with me but he wasn’t. ‘No worries, it’ll feel right to someone,’ he said, lighting up a cigarette. ‘I’ll soon find her, whoever she is.’ He proffered the open cigarette packet to me. ‘Want one?’

  ‘No, thanks.’

  I went back inside, leaving him to smoke alone. Minutes later he came in. Kylie was dancing with someone else. When she saw Seth go to the drinks table she went to get a drink herself, and when he looked at her, she seemed to melt beneath his gaze. It wasn’t long before they both disappeared outside for rather a long time.

  When they returned she was adjusting her dress, and her make-up didn’t look quite right.

  Monday evening after school I called at the local supermarket and asked to see the manager, a short fat man with greasy hair. He wore a plum-coloured nylon jacket with the supermarket’s logo on the breast pocket.

  ‘I’d like a part-time job, please, anything you’ve got,’ I said.

  He looked me up and down. I wondered whether the interest he was showing was altogether savoury. Then he said, ‘We’ve got a shelf-filling job going but it’s hard physical work. Are you sure you’re up to it?’

  ‘I’m a hard worker,’ I said. ‘I’m definitely up to it.’

  ‘Tuesday and Thursday evening, five till half-nine?’

  ‘Okay, you’re on.’

  ‘Can you start tomorrow?’

  ‘That’s ideal for me.’

  The following week when I got my first pay packet I put some of the cash in a Tupperware container in the bottom of my wardrobe. It was money I referred to as my escape fund. Sooner rather than later I planned to leave home, and this would help me on my way.

  On Wednesday I took my usual short cut through the park. It was a chilly but bright September day, with the sun low in a clear blue sky. As I passed the children’s play area I noticed a boy, about my age, sitting on a swing while texting someone. Apart from him, the place was deserted. He looked up and saw me walking by.

  ‘Hi,’ he said.

  I quickened my pace, heading along a tarmac path which would take me past rolling lawns and through a copse of trees to the nearest exit.

  ‘What’s the hurry?’ he shouted.

  I ignored him.

  ‘Fancy a smoke?’ he shouted. I stopped. I wasn’t sure I fancied a smoke after my previous experience but decided to give it a try.

  ‘All right then,’ I said, retracing my steps. I sat on the swing next to him.

  He broke out a packet of cigarettes and gave me one, which I stuck awkwardly in my mouth. He put one in his own mouth, where it seemed to belong, and lit them both with a single match. He put the spent match back in the packet, which impressed me as I didn’t like the way some people throw rubbish all over the place.

  For a while we didn’t talk. We just looked at each other, him smoking and me doing my best to smoke. After a while, he said, ‘What were you doing, walking through the park?’

  I took my cigarette from my mouth in what I hoped was a sophisticated smoking gesture. ‘Going home. How about you?’

  ‘Yeah, the same.’ His eyeballs moved up and down as he scrutinised me. ‘Is that a St Benedict’s uniform?’

  ‘Yeah, what’s yours?’

  ‘Mount Briar.’ He chuckled. ‘We shouldn’t be talking really.’

  I laughed too, but wondered what my friends would think if they knew about the conversation I was having with an enemy.

  He took his mobile from his pocket. ‘What’s your number?’ he said.

  ‘I don’t have a phone.’

  ‘Home number?’

  I shook my head. ‘My parents are a bit weird. They’d go apeshit if you called me at home.’

  ‘Okay. I’ve got to go now. Meet you here tomorrow for another chat?’

  I looked him up and down. He was tall and slim, had a face I found attractive, and a disarming smile.

  ‘All right,’ I said.

  ‘See you tomorrow, then,’ he said, ‘same time, same place. By the way, I’m called Tony.’

  He headed off on a tarmac path which took a winding route between the trees to one of the many exits. I used a different one.

  The next day we met as agreed, and the first thing he did after saying hello was to light up a cigarette. He took a draw from it and handed it to me.

  ‘I only have the one left, otherwise I’d offer you your own one,’ he explained. ‘Do you have any friends your mum and dad approve of?’

  I nodded. ‘There’s a girl called Kylie in my class. I’m allowed sleepovers at her house.’

  ‘Why don’t you tell them you’re seeing Kylie so you can spend the evening with me?’

  I took a good pull on the cigarette while considering his suggestion. Then I blew smoke in the air the way I’d seen Kylie do. I had grave misgivings about meeting Tony, but liked him, so after a moment’s hesitation I replied, ‘That’s a great idea. When?’

  ‘Saturday?’

  ‘Okay, Saturday.’

  He turned on the swing, the metal chains which secured it to the frame twisting as he did so, and kissed me, no more than a peck really.

  I glanced down at my ill-fitting school uniform, grateful someone fancied me in spite of the way I was dressed. Then I stood up. ‘I have to go now.’

  On the way home I felt like I was walking on air, but at the same time I was anxious about whether I could get Kylie to cover for me, and, if I could, whether I’d get away with lying to my parents, and, if that went well, whether I’d recovered enough from what’d happened to enjoy my assignation.

  The next day during the first school break I had a word with Kylie. ‘I need a favour.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I need you to cover for me so I can go out on Saturday night.’

  ‘With a boy?’

  ‘Yes, with a boy.’

  Her eyes widened. ‘Who is it? Do I know him?’

  ‘He’s called Tony and he goes to Mount Briar High.’

  She made her index fingers into a cross as if warding off a vampire.

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘But we like each other.’

  ‘He’s a Montague and you’re a Capulet – it’s a risky business.’

  ‘We’ll take our chances.’

  ‘Too bloody right – I would if I were you. And of course I’ll cover for you. I’m going to Seth’s house on Saturday night. I’ll tell Mum you’re coming too, and you can stay over at ours. My mum’ll confirm it, if your mum checks up.’

  I began to see the virtues of having a slack mum who didn’t carefully police everything you did.

  ‘Thanks, Kylie.’

  On Saturday afternoon I dipped into my savings and bought the cheapest pay-as-you-go mobile phone I could. It was getting obvious I needed one to negotiate my blossoming social life.

  That night I got ready to go out at Kylie’s house. I didn’t wear any of her clothes this time, though. Just my own faded jeans with the tears in them – the fade and tears were genuine, not artificially put there by the manufacturer – and a T-shirt. I borrowed some make-up but insisted on playing it down.

  ‘I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard, Kylie,’ I explained.

  ‘Good idea,’ she said. ‘I’m making an effort, but it’s not for Seth, it’s for me. I like to look my best.’

  When we’d got our outfits and make-up sorted we went downstairs.r />
  ‘We’re ready to go now, Mum,’ said Kylie.

  Her mum was watching something on the TV. She stood up and looked at us, eyes widening in surprise when she scrutinised my face. ‘Not wearing much make-up tonight are you?’ she said.

  ‘I don’t usually wear a lot except for special occasions,’ I told her.

  ‘I can’t go on a night out without it,’ she said. ‘Kylie’s the same. Anyway, let’s be going.’

  She dropped us off at Seth’s house then Kylie called a taxi for me on her mobile. We said goodbye to each other, and she went to the door, while I waited by the gate for my taxi. It wasn’t long in coming. I got dropped off and went to the pub where I’d said I’d meet Tony. I was ten minutes early. I didn’t try to get served. I just found a seat and tried not to look too conspicuous, all the while wishing I’d arranged to meet him outside. After five minutes I felt so uncomfortable being on my own that I got up and went out, and stood near the door waiting for him. He came round the corner and grinned at me, kissing me on the cheek as soon as he got close enough.

  ‘Follow me,’ he said.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘Another pub. I’ve discovered one that’s better than this. By the way, I’ve got fake id so I’ll get the drinks. You stay out of sight while I get them.’

  He led me to a small pub up a back alley called The Grosvenor. ‘Beer’s cheap here,’ he explained as he opened the door. ‘Remember, stay out of sight. What do you want?’

  ‘A bottle of lager, please. Anything will do.’

  We went inside and I found a booth to sit in. The place was crowded, so I was concealed by the customers standing around drinking, and in any event the bar staff were too busy to look in my direction. Hopefully, if any of them did see me, my make-up would make me look eighteen. After a while Tony appeared with our drinks.

  ‘Kronenbourg 1664,’ he said, pushing a bottle across the table. ‘Hope you like it.’

  I took a slurp. I wasn’t used to drinking but I forced it down. Our conversation was awkward and slow at first, but once I’d had a couple of beers and got a bit tipsy I relaxed, and things improved. We went to another pub and by the time we came out of it I felt well and truly drunk, even though I’d only had three bottles and had taken them slowly.