by Croft, Rose
I could see the excitement in all the children’s faces itching to talk and share a piece of their lives. Mrs. Rojas was an amazing teacher that encouraged talking and always spoke to the children like they were on her level, but she had a controlled way of doing it where it was never chaotic. To manage four-year-olds was like herding puppies, but Mrs. Rojas had established a classroom that was both safe with boundaries, which was difficult with four-year-olds.
I watched as Eric stood up when Mrs. Rojas called his group. He had on his standard uniform of a soccer jersey, shorts, and black indoor soccer shoes. My baby was obsessed with soccer, and he was damn good. My heart pumped with pride. He looked like a replica of his father, I thought and had to hide my dreamy expression or Mrs. Rojas and Mr. Landon would think I was crazy if they saw me gawking at a four-year-old like a stalker.
Eric reached into his blue and maroon FC Barcelona backpack and pulled out his item. I saw the brown and cream stitched leg he held in his hand, and I had to grip the table near me to keep from rushing to him, crushing him in my arms. The old sock monkey.
He clutched it close and peered at me as he passed by. I love you so much, baby, my mind screamed, and I couldn’t hold back the smile on my face.
When all the children had their items, I sat and listened with interest as they shared. Finally, my son stood up with his sock monkey. “I had to think about this decision really hard,” he began, and his forehead scrunched like a little man with all the weight on his shoulders. “I almost brought my favorite soccer ball, which is also very important to me.”
“We all know you love soccer, Eric,” Joseph, one of the boys who played with Eric on the playground said in a droll voice. “We play every day.” I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. Kids could be so honest. More so than adults.
Eric smirked and cocked his head, and I thought I was staring at Emilio. “Yeah. How’s that working out for you?” Jeez. My son already had the cockiness going for him, too. At four. Another Mendoza trait.
“Eric,” Mrs. Rojas said before the conversation veered off the road, “tell us about your stuffed animal.”
He glanced down and held it by the arm. “It’s a sock monkey and I’ve had it since I was a baby. I sleep with it every night, and he’s like my best friend. When I’m afraid of the dark at night, Papá tells me I’m not alone. I always have him with me.” Eric cradled the sock monkey, unashamed and vulnerable, and I had to fight the tears threatening to run down my eyes. How many times had I held that doll to get me through the night? “I tell him my secrets. I let him know when I’m scared, and he always listens to me.” I ducked my head and turned away. It was too much. I was going to lose it or tackle Eric in my arms, and I knew I couldn’t.
I stepped out in the hall to collect myself and leaned against the wall taking deep breaths trying not to fall to pieces. I had to pull it together before I lost everything important to me. Swiping my eye, I listened as other students shared their monumental memories in the classroom.
“Are you okay?” I heard my son’s voice, and his beautiful dark eyes gazed up at me in the doorway with all the worries in the world on his face. Everything was a reminder of Emilio and what I’d let go.
Get it together, Sofía! I forced a smile trying to hold in a sniffle. “Yes, sweetheart. I got hot and needed to stand out here for a minute.”
The sock monkey was in his arms. He looked down at it as he gripped the body with two hands and held it out to me. “You wanna hold him? It always makes me feel better when I’m sad.”
I was about to lose it again with his concern. I kneeled down beside him. “I’m fine. I needed a time out, and now I’m better.” I allowed myself to smooth his cheek. My hand lingered never wanting to lose this connection between us. “I love your sock monkey. I had one, too, and it helped me when I was too afraid to go to sleep.”
He smiled ruefully, and his Emilio dimple was on full display. “Papá says that ghosts in the dark are fake, and if they were real, he’d make them go away.”
“I’m sure he would. Your father sounds like a brave man.”
“He is,” he said proudly. He laid a small hand on my arm. “Are you scared of the dark?”
His small act of comfort nearly broke me, and I fought to hold it together. “No, Eric.” I allowed myself to say his name. The name I’d always wanted for my son. “I’m not afraid of the dark. My mom always said a band of angels were watching over me as I slept, protecting me.”
“She did?” Eric watched me with childlike curiosity. Why we were talking about angels and ghosts, I didn’t know. He drew me in like the fountain of no-regrets. I wanted to absorb his words and know everything about him.
I nodded and smiled trying to rein in my emotions.
“What did she say?” He tilted his head and his mini-me Emilio stare was going to be the death of me. He was so much like his father.
“Well,” I began slowly reminding myself in everyone’s eyes I was just a volunteer at this school and not the greatest-thing-in-my-life-that-I-ever-did’s mother, “we used to say a prayer together every night, and she would always ask God to surround me with a ring of angels.”
“Did it work?”
“Yes. It did,” I lied. I believed it when I was young and with my mother, but never after she was gone. I’d tried to hold on to her words, but they faded quickly. “That did the trick.”
“Miss Flores? Are you all right?” Mrs. Rojas popped her head out the door. Her eyes shifted between Eric and me.
Panic flowed through me, and I had to be careful. I ruffled Eric’s hair like I would any other child in this class. “Yes. I’m fine.”
Eric still watched me with narrowed eyes clearly not convinced. Mrs. Rojas glanced down at him. “Eric, go sit down at your table, please? We’re going to write about our show and tell. Okay?”
He nodded slowly with an index finger in my direction. “Can she work with me? I want her to help me.” My heart jumped into my throat, and I wanted to leap with joy that my son wanted me to help him. I couldn’t just shout out yes.
Mrs. Rojas replied automatically, “Of course, Eric. Now, go sit down.”
He nodded and walked back to the classroom.
I stood up.
Mrs. Rojas narrowed her eyes. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, of course.” I was panicky. I couldn’t lose this job. It meant everything to me.
After a few seconds studying my face, she nodded. “Sometimes, things take you by surprise, don’t they?” What. The. Hell? She caressed my shoulder. “You’ll figure this out. You care. I see it. You can’t fake that.” She smiled and walked back into the classroom.
I calmed my nerves. She was talking about me taking in what children say. Again, they could be so much more than humans. She didn’t know I was having an in-depth conversation with my son.
I reset and prepared myself to walk back into that classroom. I could do this.
Emilio
“It’s about fucking time you got here,” Vince said and pointed to the seats next to him.
“Language, Vince,” Dani warned and turned and smiled apologetically at the elderly woman sitting behind them whose eyes were narrowed at my brother.
We were in the school auditorium of Eric’s school. It was mid-September and Eric’s class was performing to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month. This was a school carnival with games, food, and activities for the kids.
“Don’t blame me. I had to wait on this dumbass.” I nodded at Yovani who casually slung back in his seat without a care in the world. I rushed home to get Eric ready for his show, and then we had to wait on my younger brother who took almost an hour to shower and get ready. I threatened Yovani within an inch of his life if we were late and Eric missed his performance. Luckily, we made it before the students left the music room to take the stage.
“Not surprising,” Vince agreed.
With most of my family here, we took up a whole row of seats. The auditorium was packed, too. Fort
unately, we were only six rows from the stage. I saw Mrs. Rojas leading the class out to the stage. Little girls were donned in colorful dresses while boys wore black jeans and white button-down shirts with cowboy hats and boots.
As soon as the children were set in place, the music began. A room full of cell phones shot up in the air in unison, as an auditorium filled to capacity with people videoed the dance. Eric was front and center dancing with his partner. Occasionally, he would get lost or miss a step in the music, but it didn’t matter. I beamed with pride. He had some moves, a chip off the old block he was.
When the song was over, the boys took off their hats, and everyone bowed on stage. You would’ve thought we’d witnessed the greatest show on Earth with all the loud applause as the whole auditorium stood up, clapping and cheering.
After another song and dance, Mrs. Rojas announced the students were going to go back to the music room where parents could pick up their child.
“Oh my gosh, Emilio. That was the cutest thing ever. Eric looked so handsome up there,” Dani gushed while bouncing her daughter Teresa in her lap.
“It won’t be too long before we’ll be here to see the little princess perform.” I stood up and leaned in to ruffle my niece’s curls and kiss her forehead. “I’ll go get Eric. You gonna wait here?” I eyed the row of family members.
“I think we’re going to grab something to eat outside,” Lily piped in and nodded behind us to the exit door. “There’re several food trucks here.”
“Okay. I’ll meet you over there. Eric said he wanted to check out the bounce house, too. That’s all he kept talking about.”
I picked up the bag with a change of clothes for Eric and followed the line of parents who were waiting to pick up their child as well. I stepped into the music room and gazed around the crowd to find my son. I saw his teacher who had a clipboard in her hand and pen having parents sign their children out. “Hi, Mrs. Rojas, I’m looking for Eric.”
“He’s over there with Mr. Lawson.”
“Thanks.” I signed the sheet and made my way over to my son who was standing by other classmates waiting for their parents.
“Papá.” Eric waved and ran up to me.
“Hey, buddy. You did a great job up there.”
He grinned. “I know. That’s what Mrs. Rojas, Mr. Lawson, and Miss Flores told me.”
“Well, then it must be true,” I teased. “Why don’t we find a place to change and grab something to eat, then we’ll go to the bounce house.”
“Yesss!” Eric high fived me and paused. “Wait. I have to say bye to Miss Flores.”
“Who is she?”
“One of my teachers. She’s over there.” I glanced in the direction Eric was pointing to his left and saw a woman’s back to me bent over trying to help a little girl tie her tennis shoes.
“Okay.” I watched as Eric ran over and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned and hugged him tight and my body tensed, about to go ballistic. What the hell was she doing here?
She glanced back at me and forced a smile, but I could tell by the look in her eyes she was nervous. That’s right, sweetheart. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I couldn’t very well call her out here in front of everybody and air out some stupid-ass family drama.
I had to count backward from ten to get my control back. Soon, Eric trotted over to me, while my eyes gravitated to her. She looked as though she were pleading with me. Goddamn it! She knew. She knew she was working with Eric and didn’t tell me.
“Okay. I’m ready. Can Sofí come along?” He twisted his head to look at his mother who was still frozen in place watching Eric and me with that pitiful look on her face. She let him call her Sofí? At least he didn’t say mother. She obviously hadn’t mentioned that fine detail yet. Or had she?
I pulled Eric closer to me and kept my voice level. “No, she’s busy and has to help with the other students. Let’s grab something to eat, okay?”
Eric waved at her and she flittered her fingers in the air, leveling me again with her puppy dog eyes making me soften my resolve. Damn her! I closed my eyes and turned away before I did something idiotic like walk over and confront her.
I led Eric out of the music room, not before I turned back to catch another glimpse of her. She was now standing still staring at me.
“Come on.” Eric tugged me forward. “Let’s change so I can do the bounce house.” What was wrong with me? I trudged on until we found a bathroom to change.
I helped Eric pull off his boots and unbuttoned his shirt. “I can do this myself,” he insisted, and I backed off letting my son dress himself trying to recover from the shock of seeing her here. Why? Of all places?
My phone dinged signaling a text.
Gatita: I’m sorry.
I stared at the text silently fuming, contemplating my next move, while my thumbs began to move over the screen.
Me: You will be sorry when I talk to the school and they have to let you go.
I wanted to ask Eric a million questions about her, but then again, I didn’t. It was all weird and creepy for me to pump my son for information. Eric had never mentioned her name before, and I didn’t even know how to approach this subject with him. At least he wasn’t calling her mommy.
I didn’t even know how to approach this subject with myself. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of her. Fantasize about her. My fingers itched to contact her. I chastised myself over thinking about her. It was wrong. More than wrong—it was fucked up. So fucked up that I had to end it the last time we were together. But like a junkie who craved another hit, I still craved her too damn much. However, I would die before I ever sacrificed my son’s welfare for her.
Gatita: I can explain.
Eric had changed. “Come on, Papá. Let’s go.” He ran to the door bouncing off the walls with excitement.
I gathered up all his discarded clothes and followed him out of the bathroom.
Another text signaled.
Gatita: Can we talk?
Talk? I wasn’t going to have a heart-to-heart with her at a school carnival. I shook my head and led Eric toward the auditorium.
“Emilio, are you okay?” Dani was walking up to me with Teresa in her arms.
“Why? I don’t look okay?” I teased. “I’m fine.” Dani was always very perceptive and had a way with calming my nerves.
“We’re over there at the table by the wall.” She pointed, and I scanned the area and saw Sofía slipping out the door on the other side of the auditorium. I pulled out my wallet. “Do you mind getting Eric something to eat? I’ll meet up with you in a minute.”
“Sure. Come on, sweetheart.” Dani led him off in the direction of the food trucks.
I strode in the other direction through the door where Sofía passed. She was walking slowly with her head down, checking her phone.
I thumbed my cell.
Me: Turn around.
Her head shot up and she spun around. “Emilio.”
“Let me guess, you’re sorry, right?” I asked cautiously slowing my steps. Slowing my adrenaline. Slowing my freakin’ heart threatening to pulse out of my chest. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to strangle her or pull her into one of the dark abandoned classrooms and fuck her senseless. There were only two speeds with she and I as of late. Fuck her and fuck me.
“I was going to tell you.”
“Oh, really?” There were over fifty schools in this area, and it never occurred to me she would be at the same one as my son. “When? Was it before or after I had my dick inside you?”
“I wanted to tell you the other day, but…”
“But it just slipped your mind.” This whole situation was messed up. “What the hell did you tell Eric? ‘Hey, I’m your mommy. I know I deserted you when you were a baby, but I’m back. Ta da!’” I held out my hands like a magician after performing a trick.
She shook her head adamantly. “No. I would never do that. I didn’t know he was at this school. When I signed up for my community service, the director placed me
here when I told her I wanted to be an early childhood teacher. I would never tell Eric who I was without discussing it with you first.”
“There’s nothing to discuss. I told you Eric was not involved in this.” I swished a finger back and forth between us. “I’ll make a quick call to the principal Monday morning and you’ll never be allowed back here again.”
“Don’t!” Tears welled up in her eyes, and she captured my hand between hers. “Please. I’m begging you. I won’t say anything. I don’t ever want to jeopardize his life. I just want to know him. I’ve missed so much time. So much time.”
“You won’t get a chance to say anything because consider this night the last you see of him.” Tension rolled through my body conflicted by her words.
She clutched my hand tighter. Desperate. “Please. I love seeing him grow and learn. I cherish this time I have seeing him in the classroom. He’s so bright, sweet, and amazing, Emilio. You’ve done such a great job with him. He’s everything I ever wished for and more.”
I shook my head, disgusted with both myself and her. Something had to give. She had a GI Joe Kung Fu grip on my hand, and I tried to yank it away bumping against her midriff. However, she hissed and dropped my hand jumping back.
“What the fuck?” I asked, puzzled knowing I didn’t hurt her. I barely touched her. “Are you hurt?”
“No. I’m good.” She waved it off, but I now noticed how she stood awkwardly. Uncomfortable, like a wounded animal hiding an injury.
“What the fuck happened?”
“I’m fine, Emilio.”
I reached out to touch her, and she side-stepped me.
Sofía wasn’t being coy or a tease. That wasn’t in her nature. “What Happened?”