My Kind of Love: a Military Romance (Finding Love Book 1)

by Nikki Ash

  I feel around and find a small bottle of KY warming gel and a small black box. I open the top and nestled inside is a beautiful ring. It’s shaped like an infinity symbol and has the word mom in script along the edge with a turquoise stone—which is RJ’s birthstone—in the center. I put it on, with tears pricking my eyes, and then go in search for a note, hoping there’s one since the last package included one.

  I find it at the bottom.

  Happy Valentine’s Day!

  I hate that I can’t be here with you, but I’m counting down the days until I’ll be back, and once I am… well, I told you I wouldn’t make any promises, but I can tell you that you won’t need that vibrator anymore. Until then, I’ve included the perfect self-care kit. Warming gel, a vibrator, and of course, a picture of me. Feel free to use as necessary. I hope you like the ring. I figured the best way to celebrate a day about love is by thanking you for the love you’ve given me—our son. I told you once I never imagined ever having a family, but now, all I can think about is getting back to mine. Yes, mine. Because for the rest of our lives, you, RJ, and me are a family. I love you, Micaela.

  Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.

  Xo Ryan

  PS. Feel free to text me if you need any more visuals ;)

  When March came around, I didn’t expect a gift since there were no birthdays or holidays. So I was beyond shocked when I opened the door to find the same delivery kid standing there holding a box.

  “Another one?” I ask, taking the box from him.

  “Yep,” he says with a smile.

  “Wait here.” I run to my purse and grab a twenty to tip him. “Thank you.” I hand him the bill. “Hopefully this is the last time since Ryan will be home at the end of next month.”

  The kid doesn’t confirm or deny, just smiles and thanks me.

  As I close the door, eyeing the package, it hits me. Ryan will be home next month. We’ve almost made it. Then another thought occurs, this one morbid. What if Ryan has another box waiting to be delivered in case something happens to him? I shake the thought off and go upstairs to open my package, unsure of the reason for it.

  Inside the box are two envelopes. One reads: open me first, so I do. It’s a letter.

  Happy Anniversary!

  I know… I know… technically we don’t have an anniversary since we’re not together, but this week is one year since you stumbled into the beach house, and my heart, for the first time, felt like it found its home. Growing up I knew I was adopted. My parents were always honest about it. But I never felt like I was adopted. My parents and sisters loved me like I was their own flesh and blood, but as I got older I felt different. I would see them with each other and I craved the connection and contentment they found in one another.

  So, fresh out of high school, I married my best friend. She needed me and I was hoping to feel the connection my parents feel when they’re together. Only, I didn’t feel it at all. Not an ounce of what they felt. For a long time I thought, even though my parents told me blood doesn’t mean anything, maybe they were wrong. Maybe what I felt was genetic. My biological parents clearly had trouble connecting with others. From what I was told, their relationship was toxic and they had no idea how to even begin to love their own child.

  I was afraid I was like them, and the thought scared me so much I spent as much time as possible away from home. The more I was away, the less chance I had to fuck it all up. I used the military as my escape. I was searching for something that, at the time, I didn’t know wasn’t out there. Eventually Laura had enough and asked for a divorce. She deserved more than what I was able to give her, so I gave it to her, and then I took off on another deployment, and then another.

  It wasn’t until you walked through the door that night, I finally realized what I was searching for couldn’t be found because what I was searching for all along was you. Your heart, your smile, your touch. It’s everything I was searching for but didn’t know how to find. The sucky part was knowing that even though I finally found you, I had to let you go. Walking away from you at the end of our time together was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I did it for you. Because I knew, even though you were everything I needed, I couldn’t be who you needed.

  Of course fate was on my side, and nine months later I found out you were carrying my baby. It confirmed what I already knew. You’re mine. Go ahead and open the other envelope now. I can’t make any promises, but… well, just open it.

  Miss you and RJ.

  Xo Ryan

  I open the other envelope to find a one-week cruise for two for July inside. It stops at several islands and all the off-shore excursions have been booked. According to the itinerary we’ll be spending four days snorkeling, scuba diving, and touring the different islands. It’s a dream vacation for anyone who loves the ocean, which is why he bought it.

  He can’t make any promises, my ass. This is the definition of promise. That he’ll be home in time to go on this cruise with me. I try not to get too excited, but deep down, I’m squealing, and for the first time since he left, I’m feeling like maybe this story will have a different ending than the one with Ian.

  I smile to myself at the memory of all the packages. With Ryan coming home in a little over a week, this has to be the last package. I find the note and read it.

  Micaela,

  I saw this bracelet and thought of our time together on Balboa Island. I can’t wait to be home so we can make new memories. I know I said no promises, but it’s time to make them now. I’m heading home this week, and I’m coming for you, baby. So, be ready. Because I have months of missing you to make up for.

  Xo Ryan

  I grab my phone to text Ryan and see there’s a text from him. Caught up in my memories, I must not have heard it.

  Ryan: Packed and ready to get the hell out of here. Another compound is having a mechanical issue, so my squad and I are heading up there before we leave. It doesn’t have service like I do here, since it’s at a higher altitude, so if you don’t hear from me, don’t freak out. I’ll text when I can. Give RJ a kiss from me. Love you and see you soon.

  Even though there’s a chance he won’t get it, I still send him a text back.

  Me: Thank you for the bracelet. I love it and can’t wait to make memories with you. I love you and I’ll see you soon. Be safe. xo

  It’s the first time I’ve texted the words, and I almost consider deleting them, but the truth is I mean them, and once Ryan is home with RJ and me where he belongs, I’m going to say them in person.

  And that’s when it hits me, Ryan is coming home. We made it. And an idea strikes. I’ve put off moving into the house he bought for me, afraid of living in it alone, but now that he’s coming home, I want to move in. He mentioned on a couple different occasions that he would love for the three of us to live together. He’s given me all these gifts. What better gift for him than to be living in the home when he gets here. I can get his stuff from the guesthouse and have my dad and Bentley help me move everything in so it’s ready when Ryan gets home next week.

  “C’mon, little guy,” I say to RJ, who is crumpling the wrapping paper in his fists. “Your daddy will be home soon. Let’s go make sure he has the perfect home to return to.”

  Ryan

  “Fuck, I’m ready to go home,” Julian, one of the guys in my squad, complains, handing me the electrical wiring. “My daughter’s birthday is next week and I had my wife book us a trip to Disney.” It’s been four days since we got here. With the outpost located at an altitude of fifteen thousand feet, it’s extremely remote. While we can communicate with command, our personal electronics and internet don’t work at all up here. I can’t imagine having had to spend the last four months without talking to Micaela and RJ. No pictures or videos, no texts. I would’ve gone mad.

  “Maddy wants to visit every princess there is,” Julian adds with a sigh.

  I smile at him and continue to fix the frayed wire to the sensor, imagining what it will be like when RJ
is old enough to go on trips, like to Disney. My parents used to take my sisters and me all the time. We would spend hours waiting in the long lines to go on every ride and they would always buy us ice cream to eat while we waited so we wouldn’t complain. I can’t wait to experience everything with RJ as his dad.

  “Hey, Cruz,” Sergio, another guy from my squad, calls over. “The motion detectors are acting up.”

  “Did you check the—”

  Before I can finish my sentence, a howling scream with a violent explosion crashes near me. The violence of the shock rattles me, and I’m instantly on the ground, screaming, “Incoming!” But I can’t hear my own voice.

  I look up and see flashes of fire spitting from the barrel of the .50 cal in the guard tower. I feel the vibrations in my chest as more explosions flash all around me. Only one thought propels me as I sprint to my weapon and body armor: I’ll be fucking damned if I made it this far, only to not make it home to Micaela and RJ.

  But as the acrid smoke from the explosions billows in the air and the sounds of machine guns firing overhead fills my ears, a horrible feeling roils in my gut: Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t promise Micaela I would be coming home…

  Micaela

  “That’s it,” Dad says, setting the nightstand on the floor. “You’re the only person I know who could put a house together in less than a week.”

  Bentley laughs, placing the lamp on top. “She’s a woman on a mission.”

  “I just want it to be perfect,” I tell them. I also needed something to keep me distracted. I haven’t heard from Ryan in seven days. He’s not due to return until technically tomorrow, but this is the longest we’ve gone without talking since he left, and it’s eating away at me. My mind can’t stop questioning if he’s okay, why he hasn’t found a way to contact me. If he’s due to return tomorrow, shouldn’t he already be on his way? And if that’s the case, he should’ve been able to message or call me. But he hasn’t. Not a single word.

  “And it is,” my mom assures me, handing RJ over to me. “The home looks gorgeous. The pictures you hung up in the living room are beautiful.”

  “Thank you.” I blew up nine pictures of Ryan, RJ, me, and our families and had them printed in black and white. I hung them up in black wood picture frames behind the couch. Not wanting to spend too much of Ryan’s money, I only bought the essentials for now: living room and dining room furniture, as well as a crib for RJ, so I could keep the one he’s using now at my parents’ place in case they ever need it. The rest of his stuff I brought here. Kayla and Bentley said I could bring Ryan’s furniture from their guesthouse here for the master bedroom. My mom helped me pick up the little things we’ll need like towels, a mop, and a vacuum. Since the house was in move-in condition, all it took was having the guys help move all the heavy stuff in.

  “Are you planning to sleep here tonight?” Mom asks, her brows dipping together in what looks like concern.

  “I was… Is there a reason I shouldn’t?”

  “No.” She sighs. “I just can’t believe my baby is moving out.”

  “I’m not even a half-mile away.” I playfully roll my eyes. “I can stand outside, and if I scream loud enough, you’ll be able to hear me.”

  Bentley chuckles, but Dad doesn’t dare laugh. Mom glares. “Be nice.” She embraces me. “I guess I should be grateful it’s only a half-mile.”

  I swallow thickly at her words, as I remember my plan—before I found out I was pregnant. San Diego University. Scripps. I applied and got in. But then I found out I was pregnant with RJ, so I temporarily deferred. Eventually I’ll have to decide—

  “Bentley!” Kayla screams, rushing into the house.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, grabbing her shaky hands in his own to comfort her. “Kayla…”

  Her eyes dart over to RJ and me. He’s busy playing with the necklace Ryan gave me. He loves to put it in his mouth. Her eyes lock with mine and my stomach drops. I know that look. It’s the look my mom gave me the day Ian died.

  No. This can’t be happening. Not again.

  “Kayla,” Bentley prompts, not catching on.

  “Is he dead?” I ask bluntly, needing her to rip the Band-Aid off.

  Mom gasps, coming to my side.

  “Is he?” I repeat. “Is Ryan dead?”

  “Enough!” Bentley barks. “He’s not dead.”

  Tears race down Kayla’s face. “We don’t know. A base in Afghanistan was attacked. Several were injured and a few were killed. That’s all they’re saying right now. I tried to text him, but—”

  “That doesn’t mean anything,” Bentley argues. “He doesn’t always respond.”

  “He went to a different base to do something,” I inform her and Bentley. “He said it was too high up. No service. I haven’t heard from him in a week. He was supposed to be home tomorrow.”

  “Oh, Micaela,” Mom coos, approaching me carefully like I’m a rabid animal.

  “I need to be alone,” I tell them.

  “Honey,” Dad starts.

  “Please.” I swallow the lump in my throat, refusing to lose it.

  “Do you want me to take RJ?” Mom offers.

  “No.” I clutch him tighter to me. “Can you let me know if you hear anything?” I ask Kayla.

  “Yes.” She nods, wiping her tears. “Maybe it wasn’t even the base he’s at. There are so many over there.”

  I shake my head, already knowing it was his base. Otherwise I would’ve heard from him. I always hear from him. There’s only one reason why I wouldn’t hear from Ryan—if he couldn’t communicate.

  I can feel it in my gut, in my heart. We were so damn close. “I need to be alone,” I repeat, pushing everyone away. I can tell they don’t want to leave me like this, but I can’t do this with them. Not a-fucking-gain.

  “We’re only a phone call away,” Mom reminds me, pressing a kiss to my forehead first and then another one to RJ’s, who’s still blissfully gumming the starfish on my necklace, ignorant to the fact that without him ever really knowing his father, he’s more than likely lost him.

  As soon as everyone reluctantly leaves, I sit on the couch with RJ. Grabbing my laptop, I pull up the video of Ryan. I should probably be checking the internet to find out the details of the attack, but it won’t do any good. It doesn’t matter what happened or why. If he’s dead, nothing will bring him back. I know that all too well.

  Instead, I click on the video RJ and I have watched over a hundred times in the last four months. Ryan’s face comes onto the screen, his gruff voice getting RJ’s attention. We watch the video every night before bed. RJ doesn’t understand it, he’s too young, but because we’ve done it every day, he squeals, excited to do something he knows.

  His hands slap the screen as Ryan says hello to RJ. “Hey there, little guy. This is your dad, Ryan. You don’t know it, but we have the same name.”

  Ryan’s eyes water, but he takes a deep breath, refusing to let them fall. My mind goes back to that day, four months ago, when I told him he needed to make the videos. He broke down and lost it, not wanting to make them, but deep down he knew it had to be done, and this is why.

  “I’m wearing this outfit because I’m in the military,” Ryan continues, plastering on a smile for his son. “I’m a combat engineer.” He laughs softly. “My job is to build and fix things.” He shrugs awkwardly. “Umm… anyway, that’s what I’m probably doing while you’re watching this. Fixing things.” He gnaws on his bottom lip, closes his eyes, then takes a deep breath and opens them. “I just want you to know how much I love you. I’ve only known you for a couple weeks, but fuc—I mean… Jesus, I suck—I mean stink at this.” He chuckles humorlessly. “I just need you to know how much I love you and your mom. You don’t know me yet, but I’ll be home soon and I plan to spend the rest of my life getting to know you. My dad—your grandpa—and I are real close. He taught me how to ski and snowboard, took me fishing, and taught me how to fight. He taught me how to play sports. He was always the coa
ch of every team I played on.”

  Ryan swallows thickly, sniffling back his emotions. “I can’t wait to do all that with you. Watch you grow up… hear you say your first word… be there when you take your first step.” He curses under his breath. “Just do me a favor and don’t do anything until I get home.” He laughs, shaking his head.

  “I hope you’re being good for your mom.” He smiles a genuine smile, his dimples popping out. “Give her lots of hugs and kisses for me, okay?” He runs a hand along his shaved head. “I love you so much, RJ. And I love you, Micaela. I know you said no promises… but, I’ll see you both soon.” And with one last smile, his face disappears and the video ends.

  I told him not to promise, but he still did. Not in a single letter or text, but in this video. He did. And now he’s going to break his promise. I close my eyes, needing to calm myself. My nervousness and fear is turning into anger and I don’t want RJ to see that. To feel that. He needs me to be strong. Nothing has been confirmed. There’s still hope. He could be at a different base, perfectly fine and getting ready to head home. He’s just running late. That’s all it is… But deep down, I know that’s not true. And lying to myself isn’t going to do any good.

  Micaela

  Four Days Later

  “Sweetheart, please let me take RJ,” Mom insists. Her eyes are filled with a mixture of pity and sympathy. It’s been four days since Kayla dropped the bomb that a base was attacked in Afghanistan, and since then, nobody has heard anything. I want to believe that, since we haven’t been notified of his death, he’s still alive, but we also haven’t heard from him. So that could easily mean whatever is going on over there is bad and they just haven’t gotten around to notifying us yet.