Paladin's Hell

by Manda Mellett

  Life’s never boring here in Tucson. Joker and Lady get married, then Joker’s brother dies, and Joker becomes the guardian of a baby girl. Another kid on the compound for Jayden to fawn over. It tugs at something inside me when I watch her competently handling every baby and child, knowing that one day I’d like that to be my baby she’s looking after.

  Sam and Sophie grow big and rounded as they incubate both of their second children. Then, fuck me, Mouse at last opens up and lets us in on his problems, starting when he returns from one of his sojourns off the compound with Drew, a fifteen-year-old boy, brother of the woman Mouse appears to have claimed, even though he barely knows her.

  When Mouse tries to explain his unusual and immediate attraction to Mariana, his overwhelming desire to help her, I can fully understand. That was how I felt about Jayden, the first time I’d seen her. Seems men like us fall quickly, and hard.

  Drew, well, the lad seems to be okay. Just a few months shy of his sixteenth birthday. I’d like the kid better were it not that he’s so close in age to Jayden. I suppose it’s natural as two teenagers they’d be drawn to each other, Jay helping him settle in, teaching him to play pool with much hilarity as the kid takes a while to get the hang of the game.

  To start with, I watch them grinning, seeing Jay take pride in thrashing him time after time. But then I notice the looks Drew’s giving Jay are starting to get more than friendly. Jay won’t react, will she?

  But fuck me, she’s starting to flirt. It could be just a natural feminine response to someone who’s clearly showing an interest. But she’s mine. I begin to pay more attention to what they’re doing. Torn, because in my heart she belongs to me, but my head tells me I need to give her space. If her feelings for me have changed over time, I have to accept it. I’m unable to give in to my caveman instinct which is to whisk her away to my cave and claim her.

  “What’s got into you, Paladin?” Slick’s grinning as he comes over. But when I nod toward the two teenagers, their heads close together as they laugh about some shit or another, his eyes narrow too.

  “You going to give him the same warning you gave me, Slick?”

  “Fuck,” he says, under his breath.

  “Yeah, I know.” I shake my head. “Kills me to say it, Slick, but if she’s changed her mind about me…”

  The man who’s stood up and taken the role as her father, gives me a long look. “They’re almost the same age, Brother. Got things in common to talk about. School and that.”

  Which makes me feel no better. Have we grown apart? Is it reasonable to think she’s looking for someone who could understand her better? But how could anyone comprehend her more than me? I know all her secrets, and still want her.

  Slick’s hand lands on my back. “Came to find you. Drummer and I want to have a word.”

  Sounds ominous. Reluctantly, and with one last look at the pair who are animatedly discussing something, grinning and laughing while they talk, I follow him into Drummer’s office.

  Prez waves me to a chair in front of the desk, Slick sits beside me. I look from one to the other, noticing for the first time, the strain in Slick’s face. A cold feeling settles inside me.

  “Had word from Chaz, Prez of the Wretched Soulz. He’s heard another rumour the Herreras are ready to settle their score with us. This time it sounds serious. I believe him.”

  “They coming for us?” This wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  “They want to hit us where it hurts. Word is they’re not preparing for an all-out battle right now, but their single focus is on Jayden.” Prez doesn’t try to sugarcoat it. “We knew it was on the horizon, know that they blame us, and her, for the massacre that night she was rescued.”

  Massacre is the right word. We’d hit and taken out five members of the notorious crime family. At the time, with the blessing of the head of the clan who used us to clean his own house. Now there’s a new leader, one whose views are clearly at odds with his predecessor’s.

  “Chaz is going to drop a hint to Los Zetas. There’s suggestions this signals the Herreras are getting back into the skin trade, which would step firmly on the cartel’s toes. But revenge might be too high up Javier’s list to stop anything he has set in motion. It’s time we think seriously about protecting her. She’s at risk, Paladin.”

  She is. We do what we can to minimise the danger. She’s never alone when she goes off compound, either I or a prospect take her to school and bring her home, but if they hit in numbers, one man isn’t going to stop them.

  “While Chaz thinks they’re not prepared to make a move immediately, I don’t know how long their patience will last. If they know she’s still in Tucson, I can’t, won’t rule out an attack on the compound.” Prez’s eyes have gone steely. “I’d like her gone. Then Chaz can let them know they’re wasting their time looking for her in Arizona.”

  “You think that will solve it?” Won’t they just keep trying to locate her?

  “Herreras are Tucson based so I think it’s a safe bet, once she’s out of state they’ll stop looking. It’s certainly better than us trying to wait it out with her here, not knowing when they might strike.” I trust Drummer. He wouldn’t feed me a line. If this is what he believes, I’ll go along with it.

  “I’ve spoken at length with Ella. Don’t want to uproot my ol’ lady now.”

  I nod at Slick, fully understanding. Ella must be at least six months pregnant. After a recent small bleed, the doctors are monitoring her pregnancy carefully. Not a good time for them to up root.

  “You’re resurrecting the idea of me taking her to Colorado.”

  “Hellfire’s expecting you next week.”

  My jaw drops. Fuck, that came at me out of the blue. This is happening fast. Those things we’d spoken about a couple of months ago, now coming to fruition. Thinking about it hypothetically is one thing, now it’s set in concrete, I realise how much it will hurt losing my family here. I don’t know Hellfire at all. Only seen him in a few meetings. He and Drummer are very different, that’s for sure. What will it be like to have a new prez to answer to? New brothers to get to know?

  “Lot to lay on you, Paladin.”

  “I’m fine.” I reassure Drummer fast. “Jayden’s safety is all that matters to me.” I swallow, pushing down my personal regrets at leaving Tucson. “So, what’s the plan?”

  Chapter 9

  Jayden

  A couple of months ago it was suggested that Pal and I leave the compound, up roots and settle in Colorado. When I first heard, it should have been a dream come true. The resolution of what everyone had expected forever, a chance for Paladin and I to be together. But here, in Tucson, I’d been cocooned, safe in the knowledge that Paladin wasn’t allowed to cross the line. In Colorado, there would be no one to prevent him. When the implications of that had sunk in, I’d realised I was unsure whether that was still what I wanted.

  I’d been forced to grow up early. Even at fourteen I knew the abuse I locked away in my head wasn’t right. After I’d had my innocence taken away, my first thought was to take back control. To be with someone I chose for myself. I’d latched on to the man who, in my eyes, had saved me, even after it was explained he’d only played a small part. I’d fixated on him, and was devastated when he’d explained that he couldn’t be with me in the way that I wanted, softening the blow by telling me he’d wait until it was time, for almost four years until I was of age.

  At first, I believed him. Had to have something to put my faith in after the hell I’d been through. Therapy had helped me slowly come to terms with the fact that while I’d been naïve, I’d been groomed by experts. What had happened wasn’t down to me, but was all on them. I hadn’t asked for, or encouraged it.

  Therapy also opened my eyes. Words Paladin had said were what I wanted, needed to hear, but perhaps he hadn’t meant them.

  For the past two years, Paladin has been my friend. My anchor. Always there when I needed him, but never going further than he should. Even if he hadn’t b
een warned off by Drummer or Slick, I don’t think he’d have acted differently.

  But men have needs, don’t they? Needs that drive them, sometimes so strongly, they take even when it’s not offered. While I’d never dream Paladin would force a woman to give against her will, I still wondered how he could wait for me. Perhaps he was being discreet. Maybe there was a woman in town I didn’t know about, someone who was giving him what I was told I was too young to offer.

  I eye the hangarounds who come to club parties with jealousy. Oh, Slick and Ella usually spirit me away before my tender eyes can see too much, but I’ve seen them arriving, wearing skimpy clothes meant to attract. How could Paladin resist them? He’s not a boy. He’s a man. It’s hard to believe he’s been true to his promise to wait for me.

  My therapy sessions haven’t ended, but have just moved away from the crime that had been committed and how I was dealing with it, to pushing me to consider what I want from life. Making me question whether I’m right to keep Paladin tied to me. Is it really him I want? Or am I hanging onto a dream I once used to keep my spirits up, to prevent me falling into despair? Knowing there was someone who knew what had happened, but who could put it aside, saying he didn’t care about my abuse. Am I just frightened another man might reject me because of my past? Whereas Pal knows it all, and says he can ignore it.

  The assumption of everyone here is that Pal and I will end up together. I’ve been starting to question whether that supposition is right.

  Two months ago, the possibility of the removal of my safety net in the form of Slick and Drummer, led me to do some soul searching. I’m already sixteen, seventeen is approaching fast. Physically I’m probably ready. My body is that of a young woman’s now, not a child. Some states, and, according to Sophie, Wraith’s English old lady, the whole of Great Britain have sixteen as the age of consent. It’s only because of the place that I live that I’m not legally allowed to have sex yet. The Arizona citizen law having been used by Slick and Drummer to set the arbitrary date when they’d untie the leash that held Paladin back.

  If I truly felt something for him, surely I’d be jumping with joy at the thought that the time when we can truly be together, had a chance of being brought forward?

  Those demons residing in my head though, I can’t stop hearing their voices. While another teenager might take small steps toward womanhood, experimenting along the way, I had the veil drawn from my eyes far too early. In my head, sex hurts, it’s dirty.

  I read Ella’s books when she’s not around. Women should enjoy sex. There’s even numerous mentions of battery operated boyfriends, while I can’t even face touching myself. I’ve no idea what an orgasm is, I’ve had sex. Too much sex. Yet derived no pleasure at all. In my experience men don’t need a woman to be willing or an active partner to reach their own release. Despite the words I’ve absorbed with my eyes, I can’t imagine feeling the desire that the characters find in books.

  Then, there’s another thought that worries me, that maybe I’m just not turned on by Pal. Over the years, have we become too familiar? Even if I wanted to, is it now possible we could progress to lovers from just being friends?

  Pal had shown no inclination to repeat, what had turned out to be a disastrous dinner date, after that one attempt at the Wheel Inn. On one hand, I could understand it. Who would want to go through that fiasco again? It was worse than being supervised in the clubhouse, every word spoken overheard, every gesture in clear view to be analysed. Slick might have agreed to us dating, what he’d done, was ensure we understood, in actuality, that wasn’t going to happen. So when Pal didn’t ask me out again, deep down I understood why.

  On the other hand, my traitorous mind makes me question, had he found me a disappointment? I’d dressed up, thought I looked good for him, but maybe I’d just shown I was too young. He’s nearly five years older than me. At fourteen, when Pal was still a teenager himself, that hadn’t seemed to make much of a difference, but now he’s twenty-one, and I’m still in my teens. Had the way I’d presented myself betrayed the gap was too much of a difference? The delight I’d shown when we’d first arrived, a demonstration of my lack of experience. If so, going to Colorado will be a matter of duty to him, proving his dedication to the club, rather than to me.

  Fearing we could be growing apart, when Drew arrived on the compound I was pleased there was someone else my age. It seemed natural to take him under my wing. There’s only a year between us, because of the schooling I’ve lost, we’re in the same grade. While we might not attend the same school, our education is one area we have things in common. I’ve taught him to play pool—his ignorance a source of amusement for us both.

  I’m not blind or stupid, I know Drew feels an attraction toward me. He’s good looking enough, his Hispanic looks and colouring, his dark eyes and his tall lithe body wraps his affable yet serious character up in an attractive package. What girl wouldn’t enjoy such attention?

  But he doesn’t affect me either. When his eyes focus on me, it doesn’t make me tingle, doesn’t make parts of me come alive in the way people describe in fiction. Maybe that’s all it is. Stories to enjoy having no basis in reality. Maybe it’s not just me. Or am I suppressing my reactions because of fear?

  When I was first rescued from those men, I wanted a loving touch to erase what they’d done to me. Now years have passed, my memories trigger fear. I’m not sure I want any man to put their hands on me at all. The thought of being with Paladin, or anyone, scares me.

  After the initial suggestion of Colorado had been brought up, I wasn’t sure what to do when I realised the emotion I should have been feeling wasn’t there. That instead of being excited that Paladin and I would have more freedom, I was frightened of having to confess and admit I didn’t know my true feelings. I’d been pleased when the subject seemed to have been dropped. Now, two months later, it’s being raised again.

  “Next week’s too soon.” My eyes flick wildly between Slick and Ella. “I’m not ready.”

  My sister wipes tears from her eyes. “Me neither. Slick, there must be something else we can do.”

  Slick’s a strong man, but faced with two crying women seems at a loss. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s the right time for us to move, Ella. The baby… Don’t want to risk anything now. But Jayden, you can’t stay here. You wouldn’t be able to go to school, to go off the compound at all. And in the end, the Herreras might bring the fight to us, just to get to you.” He turns to Ella. “We’ve discussed this, darlin’. Agreed it was the right thing.”

  “There’s something she’s not telling us.” Ella astutely replies to Slick, but her eyes are on me. “What is it, Jayden?”

  I can’t tell them I’m having doubts about Paladin. Or rather that I can’t understand what I feel for him, if anything. It might never have been more than a schoolgirl crush, which would mean for years I’ve been leading him on. It’s crazy. Since I was first brought to the compound, all I wanted was him, now he’s being handed to me, I don’t know what to do.

  “Jayden,” Slick narrows his eyes shrewdly. “Paladin is going with you. Someone you know and can trust. I’ll be happier he’s there, I know he’d give his life to keep you safe. But I also know I can trust him to step away if a relationship with him is not what you want. No one’s going to be putting any pressure on you, or making you do anything you’re not ready for.”

  “I should hope not,” Ella snaps. “Is that what you’re worried about, Jayden? That he’d, he’d…”

  “He’d never do what those men did, El. I know that.” I bite my lip, not wanting this conversation to continue, knowing I’ve got to step up and do the right thing. This is not the time to just think of myself. “It’s come as a shock, okay? I know it’s better for you to be here until you have the baby. I’ll go to Colorado, I’m fine. Really.” I’m lying through my teeth, while hoping they can’t see it. Forcing a lightness I don’t feel into my voice, I ask, “So, what’s going to happen? It’s a long way to ride on Palad
in’s bike.”

  Slick laughs, his hand covers mine. “Not asking you to do that. Ella and I will fly up with you. It’s only four hours with a brief stop in Denver. Paladin will ride up so he’ll have his bike with him.”

  I frown. “Will he be safe, riding alone?”

  A gentle smile from Slick at my concern for Pal. “A couple of brothers will escort him to Phoenix. After that, he’ll be out of the Herreras’ territory and safe to continue alone. Don’t worry about him, he can look after himself.”

  Now my concern is for my sister. “Ella, are you okay to fly?”

  “I’m just at the end of my second trimester, Jayden. The doctor said it would be fine.”

  Once decisions are made, the time seems to zoom past. The day of my departure quickly arrives. My clothes and stuff I’m taking are packed, emotional goodbyes have been said, and Wraith’s waiting with the SUV to take us to the airport.

  “We’re going to be fine.” Paladin’s packing a last few pieces into his saddlebags. “I’ll see you soon, okay? You want me to come to Hellfire’s when I arrive?”

  “Slick and Ella are going to stay overnight,” I reassure him quickly. With my thoughts all over the place about what he’ll expect when he and I have the chance to be completely alone for the first time, I’d rather get settled in a new place without the added pressure.

  He stares at me earnestly. “You’ve got my number, okay? You call if you need me.” Talking to me, he holds up his hand to Shooter and Jekyll who are waiting, obviously eager to get going.

  “Pal.” I say hurriedly, wanting to get this out before he leaves, realising I’m being selfish. I’ll have my family with me helping me settle in. Pal’s going to a strange clubhouse all on his own. “If you want to talk, you call me too.”