Paladin's Hell

by Manda Mellett

  “You persuaded her to keep me?”

  I shake my head. “I let her see she had options. But we had to move fast. I got what I wanted, the girl I’d fallen for. Was able to claim her and walk her up the aisle within a few days.”

  “How, how could you do that, Hell? Want the baby that rapist had put inside her? That’s what I can’t get my head around.”

  “Mo didn’t want an abortion, not really, just couldn’t see she had any other way out. I was going to have that girl any way I could. It wasn’t her fault she was pregnant, or yours. I made the decision you were going to be my son, or daughter if that’s how it had turned out. Once I’d determined that, everything else fell into place.”

  “You’ve treated me like your son for thirty-five years. You’ve never done anything to suggest I was anything else.” Demon’s eyes crease. “I’ve been racking my brains to find some way you’ve treated me different to Samuel or Kennedy, and I haven’t been able to come up with one fuckin’ thing.”

  I shrug. “You’re my son. You always have been. Even before you were born.”

  He draws his hands down his face. “I’ve always looked up to you, Hell, as a father, as my president. Now, fuck, I have no words. Not sure I could have manned up in the way that you did.”

  “You would,” I reassure him quickly. “You’ve just never loved a woman enough.”

  Suddenly he stands, so fast his chair rocks. His hands clench and open again, then repeat the action once more. “I can’t get my head around the man I thought was my grandfather, was my father and a rapist to boot. I carry his fuckin’ blood, Hell.”

  I also get to my feet. “Boy, look at me.” I use the tone I probably haven’t resorted to since he was a teenager. “You’ve just said you admire me. Well, I’m of the same blood. Whatever bad our father carried died with him. You hear me?”

  He stops pacing. He stares at me. He hadn’t looked at things that way. I might not have sired him, but we’ve got a strong link just the same.

  Suddenly he laughs, and points at my whisky. As I get out another glass and top both of them up, he retakes his seat. “Man, this is fucked up. One good thing, I don’t need to change what I call you, Brother.”

  That makes me chuckle as well.

  “Should we tell anyone?”

  I give it a moment’s thought. “Bomber knows, he’d always suspected, but he doesn’t think anything should change. Not unless you want it too.”

  “Rusty?”

  “Don’t know, but it’s possible he put two and two together back in the day, but we’ve never discussed it.”

  He nods, slowly, a gentle rise and fall of his head. “The old members didn’t die easy; things were hard back in those days. You, Bomb and Rust were lucky to survive. The members who aren’t the originals know of it, but didn’t live the history of this club. They’ve heard of Blackie, but only as the deceased founder. Don’t see the point in telling them of his crime, upsetting the equilibrium in that way.”

  “I’m thinking of stepping down.” I know I’m springing it on him, but it’s been going over and over in my mind these past twenty-four hours.

  “What the fuck?”

  “I’ve hurt you, Demon. Didn’t mean to. But now you have to face up to the fact I’ve been lying to you all your life. Can you still trust me?”

  “Got any other secrets?”

  “None,” I reply earnestly. “But the club is built on trust. If you, as VP, have any doubts in your head, then I can’t continue as Prez.”

  He grimaces. “Not sure I’m ready to sit in your chair.”

  “Truth, Brother? There’s something going on with Moira. Club’s made me neglect her, need to have some space to find out what it is. Invested thirty-six years of my life in that woman, it’s about time she came first.”

  “She thinks you’re cheating on her.”

  I feel my eyebrows rise.

  Demon shrugs. “She asks me all the time. Not my place to tell her one thing or the other.”

  Now it’s my turn to speak through gritted teeth. “I have never cheated on her. Never would, never will. Never even think about it.”

  He gives a half-smile. “Think you’re tellin’ that to the wrong person.”

  He’s right. I am. “She’s worried, Demon. First you’ve got to get the air cleared with her. She’s worried sick you’ll blame her…”

  “She did nothing wrong. I couldn’t have asked for a better mom. You’ve both been amazing parents to me, Kennedy and Sam. Never gave me a clue I had another dad, or was conceived in such circumstances.”

  I stand, pick up my keys. “Ready to go see her?”

  He grins and follows my lead. “You bet.”

  As I go to the door, I turn. “I was serious, Demon. Think about taking on the reins of the club. Bout time I handed them over.”

  “Would need a club vote.”

  “You think of anyone who’d challenge you?” I can’t, I’d brought him up right.

  Demon’s quiet for a moment. Then he raises his chin. “I’ll think on it. But only because I agree Mom could do with more of your attention, not because I’ve lost faith in you as president of the club.” He pauses before opening the door. “Hell, we’ve cleared the air, but fuck. This is a hell of a thing to get my head around. And you passing the gavel over? Not sure I’m in the right headspace to give that any serious thought.”

  Placing my hand on his shoulder, I wait until his eyes are on mine. “Hate that you’re hurting, Brother. Don’t bottle shit up. You want to talk? I’m here. Where it matters,” I place my hand over my heart, “you’re my son.”

  Chapter 12

  Moira

  Two days earlier

  I want my son. Home and safe. Slowly my tears dry up, I’m all cried out. Seeing Hellfire, with such anguish on his face, makes me realise it’s not just me or Demon who’s hurting. He looks like his life’s been destroyed. Which it has. Blackie has found a way to torment us from beyond the grave.

  I hear the doorbell and Hell answer it, hoping he’ll send whoever it is away. I don’t want company. When I hear footsteps, I look up to see Jeannie and Bomber standing there in front of me. Bomber is watching me, wearing a look of commiseration, Jeannie has tears in her eyes. Her hands reach out to take mine.

  We’ve grown apart, Jeannie and I over the past couple of years. Suddenly I see it’s my best friend standing in front of me. The person who was there from the start, the only one, apart from Hellfire, who knows everything. If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t have had my husband all these years. It’s not her fault I’m losing him now, yet somehow I’ve apportioned blame to her.

  Maybe it’s because she’s been so happy with Bomber, while Hell and I have drifted apart. Whatever, I know I’m pleased, relieved to see her.

  “Want me to stay?” Bomber looks at Jeannie protectively, then at me. I see a slight warning in his eyes. Don’t hurt my wife.

  Jeannie is staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I let my hands find hers and hold them tight. “Thank you.” It’s all I can say. Those two words conveying how pleased I am not to be left alone with my grief, showing my appreciation that she was ignoring all the awkwardness between us, coming to me in my time of need.

  “I think we’ll be okay, Bomber.”

  I quickly nod, reinforcing Jeannie’s words. I’ve no doubt Bomber knows everything. He’d have to be stupid, which he’s far from, not to have put two and two together thirty-six years ago. Even if he and Jeannie haven’t spoken about it. But we’ll keep up the pretence. I could talk about things openly with my best friend which I couldn’t if he were to stay.

  I turn away as he takes Jeannie’s lips, an expression of ongoing desire and promise that I haven’t seen in my own man’s eyes for so long. But today’s not the time for jealousy to rouse its head. Demon’s my focus, not myself.

  Bomber leaves with Hellfire. My husband’s returning to the clubhouse in the hopes Demon might return there. When they’ve gone, I step
aside, as Jeannie walks through the house she knows almost as well as her own, even though she might not have been here in ages.

  “Coffee. I need coffee. Or vodka. What’s your choice?”

  “Coffee.” I follow her to the kitchen. While I may feel like drowning my sorrows, the one glass Hell poured me was enough. I need to keep a straight head in case my son needs me.

  “So,” she sits at the counter while I pretend to busy myself, “Demon’s found out?”

  I jerk my head up and down. “He’s taken off. Fuck knows where. I’m worried. He’s not got his head straight, he’s riding…”

  “He’ll be fine, Mo. He’s an experienced rider. I can understand he wants to be alone. Fuck, that’s so much shit for a kid to get his head around.”

  He’s not a kid, though however old he gets, it’s hard not to think of him still as one. “I wish he’d never have discovered it. Jeannie, how the hell do you cope with the knowledge your father was a rapist?”

  “His father wasn’t Blackie, Mo. Hell’s always been his dad. Demon’s not stupid. He’ll work that out for himself.”

  “Hell’s gone back to the club. He thinks Demon’s going to stand up to him. Take him down for lying to him all his life.”

  “Demon will work it through,” she says confidently. “I don’t think you need to worry about that.” She waves down at the small bag she brought with her. “If it’s okay with you, I’ll stay until you’ve got news.”

  “Thank you.” I place a coffee in front of her, relieved I’ve got company. I couldn’t have asked Kennedy to come over. I don’t want my other children to know, not unless Demon wants to tell them. It’s his secret as much as mine after all.

  We sit for a while in silence. It’s hard to talk. All she can offer are platitudes. Neither of us knowing the truth about where Demon is, what he’s doing, and what’s going through his head. It makes me think of my man. Is he alone at the club? Or is he getting comfort himself? If so, who from? Bella?

  Abruptly I put down my coffee. It’s making me too hot. Or is it the damn menopause adding to my woes? Why can’t my body behave? I can’t take it. Getting up, I open a window.

  “Hot flash?” Jeannie asks, in a matter-of-fact tone. “I’ve been getting those myself. Annoying, aren’t they?”

  “Fuck this getting older.” I nod. We share a moment of female bonding, without having to talk.

  “Why don’t you come to the club anymore, Mo? Miss having you there.”

  I consider before answering. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. I had Demon, Kennedy and Samuel. Jeannie and Bomber wanted kids, but it wasn’t to be for them. While I’d been home looking after my children, Jeannie had filled the hole in her life by making a place for herself at the compound. Before we became distant, she used to joke she had more children than me. All the boys in the club were that for her, she’d adopted them all.

  “Is Hell cheating on me?” I suddenly spit out, holding my breath for the answer.

  Jeannie shakes her head. A moment passes before she answers. “I can’t say.”

  I stand. Almost throwing my now empty cup into the sink. “You’re my best friend, Jeannie. Why can’t you be straight with me? Why are you more loyal to him?”

  “Mo.” She’s standing too. “I can’t tell you because I don’t know.” Her hands wave, punctuating her words. “Yeah, if I knew, I’d tell you. But you know the score. Bomber and I don’t stay around in the evenings. Once dinner’s over we go home. All I can say is Hell keeps his hands to himself while we’re there. What goes on after? I have no idea.”

  That makes sense. When the club girls start doing what they’re given board and lodging for, Sindy, Jeannie and I used to make ourselves scarce. I can’t think of any reason why that might have changed.

  “I think he is cheating,” I tell her sadly. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.” As she makes a noise of sympathy, I wave it off. “Who can blame him, Jeannie? Look at me, I’m a mess. I can’t match up to the whores.”

  “Mo, yeah, we’re older. Can’t stop time marching on. As for sex, Bomber and I aren’t as active as we once were.”

  “But you still do it? Fuck?” I ask crudely, in case she misunderstood.

  “Sure. Yes. But not as often.”

  “We don’t.” I tell her gruffly. “He must be getting it elsewhere. It’s the only answer.”

  With a shake of her head, she refutes it. “Hell loves you, Mo. Fuck, he always did. I wanted him first, you know that, don’t you? But from the moment we met, he only had eyes for you.”

  “His eyes aren’t showing him now what they once did. Just look at me, Jeannie. I’m overweight, and bits of me are sagging.”

  “He’s getting old too,” she says astutely. “He might attract the interest of the young whores as he’s the president of the club, but if he wasn’t, they wouldn’t give him a second look.” She winks. “We’ve both ended up with old men, Mo. Just look at Bomber. Grey hair, where he’s got any at all. He’s not in his prime any longer. But I’ve grown old with him. Got no desire to trade him in for a younger model. So I’m not sure why you think Hellfire would.”

  Men are different to women, though, aren’t they? Don’t they feel flattered when a younger woman shows their interest? Even if they know it’s the power that attracts them, not the man himself?

  “Have you spoken to him?” She asks, following me to the living room.

  The shake of my head gives her the answer. Then I add, “If I had my fears confirmed, I’d have to leave him.”

  “Do you ever think you made a mistake? Marrying him?” Jeannie makes herself comfortable.

  “Never.” Her question makes me think back to myself as a teenager. “Though I never got a chance to live my dreams, being forced to marry so young.”

  “You wanted to travel, didn’t you?”

  I did. But getting pregnant knocked that on the head. I’d never had a chance to discover what was beyond the confines of Colorado, except for brief visits out of state to other Satan’s Devils chapters. If I get divorced, maybe I can start all over again. Trouble is, now I might have the chance, I don’t feel the urge to go anywhere. Exploring new sights on my own, no longer attractive.

  “There’s a family barbeque next Sunday. Why don’t you come, Mo?”

  A strangled laugh comes from me. “You really think Demon would want me to be there? Play happy families?”

  “You don’t know what Demon might want.”

  “He might not even be back by then.” I snap. Then drop my head into my hands.

  Immediately she comes over. “Mo, he’ll be fine.” Without explaining, she knows what I’m thinking. “Hell and Demon, they get on so well together. Father and son. Brother and brother. They’ll work it out.”

  Jeannie stays with me that evening, I’m glad to have company. Though even her presence doesn’t prevent me having a sleepless night, visions of Demon having come off his bike lying dead or dying by the side of the road. I just wish he’d get into contact. He must know I’ll be worried out of my mind. Hell, too. Though it remains to be seen how much my son cares about either of us at this stage. We’ve all been living a lie.

  Taking charge, like she does every day in the clubhouse, Jeannie’s up early, and is making breakfast when I appear. My eyes are red following another bout of weeping in the small hours, my head pounds, and my stomach churns at just the sight of food. Nevertheless, I try to eat something, not wanting her kind gesture to go to waste.

  She tidies up after. I couldn’t give a damn what state my house is in.

  Around mid-morning, my phone rings. Seeing it’s Hellfire, I take it into his office for privacy.

  “Hell?”

  “Demon’s here. He’s fine, Mo. He’s taken it, well, far better than I’d have thought. We were coming straight over to see you, but Cad had something to discuss with him. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

  I sink into the chair, hugging the phone to me. Unable to process the words. My
son’s safe. He’s alive. And so, it appears, is Hell.

  “Glad I had this opportunity to talk to you first. Got to tell you, Mo. I offered to step down.”

  At last I find my voice, not sure what I think about that. Put the stress my old man carries on the shoulders of my son? “He take you up on it?”

  “Nah. But I told him to consider the offer. The VP’s got to have confidence in his prez. Now he knows I’m a liar,” Hell seems to have trouble over that word, “told him he needs to at least think on the option.”

  Once again Hell’s showing what a good man he is. Putting his son’s, no, his brother’s needs in front of his own. As I put my phone away, I start to wonder how the relationship that now is out in the open, at least between us, will affect the dynamics of the club.

  “Well?” Jeannie asks expectantly as I return to her.

  I let out a big sigh of relief. “Demon’s come back. No blood seems to have been shed.”

  “Thank fuck!” She looks just as pleased as I am.

  “But, Jeannie? Not a word, okay? This is Demon’s story. Up to him whether he tells anyone else.”

  “Mo, sweetheart. You and Hell? Couldn’t have been better parents to that boy. He’ll know you’ve always done your best for him. He couldn’t have wanted for anything more. You’re right. Serve fuck all if it came out now. Most of the members don’t even remember what it was like or weren’t around in those days. No point rocking the boat now.” She purses her lips. “They won’t hear anything from me or Bomber. Don’t want them to think there might be other secrets waiting to be dredged up from the past.”

  She’s right. It’s not just Demon who could lose confidence in Hell as the prez, but the club in general. Trust. Such an important word in the brotherhood. If Hell lost that? He’d lose the club completely.

  My man wants to keep the patch on his back? We’ve got to act like nothing’s happened.

  I wonder if it’s possible for Demon, hell, us, to do that.

  Chapter 13