Paladin's Hell

by Manda Mellett

  They start having a discussion about who it could be. All I can do is listen and learn. It’s like being a new patch all over again, but at least in Tucson, even as a prospect I’d had some notion of who the local players were, long before I’d been invited to sit at the table. Here I’ve no idea, and don’t want to keep asking for explanations of names they’re throwing around.

  As I keep my mouth closed and my ears open, I notice Taser’s not the only one who’s been giving me looks of suspicion. Maybe, as Hellfire suggested, they just think I’m a bad omen, bringing bad luck along with me.

  It comes as no surprise they’re going to have more eyes on all the businesses. When tasks are assigned, I put up my hand to volunteer, but it’s telling when I have nothing given to me.

  They don’t trust me.

  Part of me wants to give up and go back to the brothers I know and love. Another part wants to earn the trust of these men, to show who I am and what I can do. Not that I’m free to leave in any event. I’m bound by my promise to Jayden.

  I’m not in the best of moods when church comes to an end. An even worse one when I collect my phone to find a reply to my text.

  Jay: Don’t bother. I’ve got a headache.

  Fuck this shit. I’m stuck here with men who don’t trust me. The reason why, Jayden, is giving me the run around. Fine and headache are female speak for being pissed off. It’s not my fault, I’d have moved heaven and earth to see her, but I can’t put her in front of my club. Angry, I decide to have a drink and drown my sorrows now I’ve no reason to stay sober.

  I’ve seen the way the club girls look at me. I’m fresh meat to them, the unknown. I’m not surprised when I walk into the clubroom that one of the scantily clad women comes over. Breezy, I think her name is.

  “Hey, want to have some fun?” Her hand lands on my back, slides down to my ass, and moves blatantly around to my cock.

  I snatch her hand away. “Nah,” I tell her. As her face falls, I soften my response. “Not tonight, babe.”

  She huffs, but soon finds another victim. Or lucky guy, I suppose. As I watch what I’ve just turned down, Lizard now getting an enthusiastic blow job on one of the couches, part of me wonders why I had.

  Chapter 18

  Jayden

  A tearful goodbye shared with Ella, while the prospect and Slick waited impatiently. I wasn’t even going to the airport to see them off. Instead I was staying home with Moira, a woman I haven’t got the measure of yet.

  I can’t wait to see Paladin. We’ve never been apart so long before. I’d see him everyday in the clubhouse. I can’t remember a time we’ve gone twenty-four hours without seeing each other. He’s bound to be missing me too, I’m certain. Perhaps he’ll take me to explore this new place on the back of his bike. I’ve never ridden with him before, Slick and Ella wouldn’t allow me. I wasn’t stupid, I knew a woman riding up behind a man meant something in the biker world, but if I was going to end up with Paladin, what was there to stop me now?

  I’m sad to see my sister leave, but there’s also a kernel of excitement bubbling inside, vying to push my sorrow away. I’ve got so much freedom now. There’s nobody coming after me, no threat of kidnap around every corner. For the first time in three years I feel safe, ready to take the next step into my life.

  I lost my innocence a long time ago. I grew to be a woman much too early. Ella had done everything she could to give me my childhood back, and although I was grateful, I had felt restricted by the rules that had been imposed. Now Pal and I have the freedom to really explore what we mean to each other. I can’t wait to see him.

  So I watch the car leave wiping tears from my eyes, but looking forward to exerting my new independence. As the taillights fade into the distance, my phone buzzes in my pocket.

  Pal: Got shit to do. Will try and see you later.

  What? How dare he? He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m in a strange town, in a strange house with strangers. And he’s blowing me off? My first instinct is to run after Ella and Slick, try to stop them, make them take me home. My second, once I realise that’s futile, is to be so annoyed I could throw my phone. I don’t, messaging him back simply,

  Jay: Fine

  “You okay?” Moira’s looking at me cautiously, and I realise she’s reading every nuance of the expressions crossing my face. Sadness, pleasure, annoyance. I wonder how much I’m inadvertently giving away.

  My impulse is to stamp my foot and scream. But I’m more mature than that. While she’s a stranger to me, I’m no more than that to her. She’s been kind enough to give me a place to stay, I ought to at least not be difficult.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.” She cocks her head and gives a half-smile, managing to convey she doesn’t believe it. So I give her more. “I thought Pal was coming over, but he’s got things to do.”

  “Your young man.” Her lips purse slightly. “I expect Hell’s keeping him busy. He transferred as a member of the club.”

  Letting out a deep sigh, I reluctantly agree, “You’re probably right. It’s just that, in Tucson, he was my shadow. There wasn’t a day I didn’t see him. Even before we had to move back to the compound, we went there every day. I’d look after the children, and he’d always be around. I miss him, you know?”

  “Coffee?”

  What? It takes a second to process her question, then I nod, and follow her into the kitchen. I take the stool she indicates while she busies herself making us drinks.

  As she does, she says conversationally over her shoulder. “Might do you good to have some time apart.”

  She doesn’t understand our relationship. “We came here to be together,” I tell her. “Pal’s been my friend since…” My voice trails off. I’ve talked about it with my therapist, but still don’t like other people knowing what happened to me.

  Moira’s quiet for a moment, and then a cup of coffee appears before me, and she sits on the opposite side of the counter. “You’re living in my house now, Jayden, and I hope we’re going to be friends. I know some of what happened to you, not everything, but enough. I know you’re going to miss your sister, but please understand that you can talk to me. Confide in me.”

  As an opening gambit, it pulls me up. I’m immediately concerned she knows any of the details about my past, then realise, Ella would have had to have explained something about why the Herreras were a threat to me.

  My silence encourages her to continue. “I got married when I wasn’t much older than you.” She blows on her drink to cool it. “I was only seventeen. We’ve been married thirty-six years now.”

  Is she telling me a relationship can work even if you step into it early? My brow creases. If Moira is someone I can talk to about how I’m feeling, it could be useful to have a woman I could bounce my thoughts off. I couldn’t, with Ella. Any reference to that time and what happened a taboo topic between us. All Ella wanted to know was that I was moving past it. I hadn’t wanted to trouble her with how much it still preyed on my mind.

  Moira seems to be waiting for me to continue the conversation. “So you were little more than my age when you married Hellfire?” I sip my own coffee even though it’s too hot.

  “Yes.” She throws me a quick grin as she confirms it.

  “That’s a long time to be with one man.”

  “That’s what you do when you make a commitment. We’re married, but I’m first and foremost his old lady. You know what that means to a biker?”

  “Commitment to him, and the club.” I’ve seen that with Ella and Slick.

  “Yes. To the club. Club’s part of the man, can’t take that away from him.”

  “Why are you telling me this, Moira?” I narrow my eyes. I might only be sixteen, but often I feel so much older than that.

  Moira’s head dips up and down slowly. “I won’t say I made a mistake marrying Hellfire, but if I had my time again, would do some things differently. I certainly wouldn’t have married so young. That’s my concern about you and Paladin. You’re only sixteen.
From what you’re saying, you’ve been pushed together for years. Being a biker’s old lady isn’t for everyone. Seems you should use this opportunity to take a step back, consider if he’s really what you want.”

  “He is,” I tell her sharply, not admitting I’ve been having doubts along the same lines. A knee-jerk reaction to her suggestion.

  “Is he?” She drains her coffee and puts the empty cup down. “From what you’ve been saying, he’s always been your shadow. I doubt you’ve dated anyone else. Not had a chance to consider what you really want.”

  I’m about to contradict her, to say there couldn’t be anyone that I’d like more. But something stops me. A notion she might be right. I don’t bother to tell her I’ve never dated Paladin either. That terrible night at the Wheel Inn doesn’t count.

  “And Paladin? What’s his view?” Moira continues, but doesn’t give me time to answer, just carries on. “Hellfire told me he committed to a fourteen-year-old girl. Might not know you, Jayden, but I’m certain you’ve changed over time. Developed in both your body and mind. The girl he said he’d wait for, is she still the same? You, as you are now, are you what he expects and what he wants?”

  I have changed, I know that. Grown boobs for a start, such as they are. I’ve become a woman, rather than a young girl. Have I emerged as the type of woman who’d attract Pal?

  “The club girls. They’re going to be all over a new member…”

  I look at her horrified. Paladin had showed no interest in the whores in Tucson. “Pal stays faithful to me…”

  “Is that what he says, or the truth? He’s a man, Jayden. Face it.”

  Whether he’s said so or not, and while sometimes I have doubts, mostly I believe it. But even if he was faithful in Tucson, maybe there’s a chance he wouldn’t be here, where I’m being kept off the compound, and have no way of knowing what he gets up to, and no Slick to watch out for me. I doubt whether any of his new brothers would let me know. The thought of him being unfaithful upsets me.

  Having dropped that bombshell, Moira stands, collects both empty cups and rinses them. “I wouldn’t want you to rush into anything you weren’t ready for,” she says, staring out of the window. “I never expected to get married at seventeen. While I don’t regret the time I’ve had with Hellfire, I wouldn’t have married him so fast if I hadn’t had to.”

  “You were pregnant?” I leap to the obvious conclusion.

  “Yeah, Demon’s thirty-five.”

  “And your other children?”

  “Kennedy’s just thirty, and Samuel came along as a surprise. He’s twenty-two.”

  The discussion of her children sounds a safer subject to keep to. “Only Demon went into the club?”

  Her back is still turned toward me, but it doesn’t stop me seeing her nod. “It was in his blood.”

  In her other son’s as well, surely? But I don’t say the obvious. Maybe she’s glad Samuel didn’t also follow his father.

  Moira busies herself wiping down the already clean-looking surfaces. I sit biting my nails. In Tucson I’d be helping out with all the children, here it’s totally different. I’m not in the clubhouse, but in someone else’s home. Until I start school next semester, I don’t have anything I’m supposed to be doing. It’s a strange feeling. I’ve never felt useless. I miss Ella so badly.

  As tears start to prick in my eyes, I try to get my thoughts away from everything I left behind. “Tell me about the club.”

  “Hmm.” Moira pauses. “Much like Tucson I presume. There’s the members, prospects, club girls, hangarounds, of course, who come to the parties.”

  “What about old ladies?”

  “Well there’s me. Jeannie, she’s my age, was my best friend back in the day. She’s around the club a lot, keeps the girls in line. And then there’s Sindy, she’s married to Buzzard.”

  “Any kids?”

  “Nah. Single men for the most part.”

  My lips press together. Doesn’t sound like the family club I got used to back in Tucson. I’d been expecting something similar, had been looking forward to getting to know the women and helping out with babysitting. I hadn’t realised just how different this was going to be.

  “Do you go to the compound much?”

  “Not as much as I used to. If I want to watch porn or fights, I’ve got the TV for that.” She’s certainly not making it sound attractive.

  At last Moira puts the cleaning stuff away. “You want to go into Pueblo? We could go to a mall. Have lunch out?”

  Paladin’s blown me off. So what else am I going to do? I agree.

  It’s not long before we’re both ready and heading out. Despite Moira’s constant criticism of Paladin, which is strange seeing how she’s not met him, she’s quite good company. Treating me more like an adult than Ella and Slick, presumably as she’s got no parental responsibility for me. We go into town, I buy some new jeans—Slick had set up my own bank account—and Moira then led me to an Italian restaurant for food. As we ordered plates of pasta, I realised I was becoming comfortable with her. When she asked, it wasn’t intrusive, and I found myself opening up.

  “It was a mall, like this.” I wave my loaded fork toward the window. “I was out with some girls my age. Mom couldn’t care less what I was up to, where I was or who with. There was this cute boy, Sy, he seemed to single me out. I was flattered.”

  “What girl your age wouldn’t have been? How old were you then?”

  “Just coming up to my fourteenth birthday. Sy and I, well, we kept meeting up, minus my friends. He made me think I was special.”

  Her lips press together. “Giving you the affection you didn’t get from your mom?”

  She’s hit the nail on firmly on the head. “Ella, well, she’s a lot older, but we’d been close, you know? But she’d stopped coming around. I didn’t know it then, but she was dealing with her own problems. I had no one at home.”

  I continue eating. Therapy had made me see what had happened wasn’t my fault, but it’s good to know Moira’s understanding that too. That I’d been targeted, a young girl with a single mom who’d got fed up with being tied down with a kid. “After a few weeks Sy took me to meet his uncle. It was him who started buying me presents. Then…” My voice falters.

  “He wanted payment.” She’s right. He had.

  “He raped me, but tried to persuade me it was his way of showing affection.” Now I lay down my utensils. “Then the threats started. My mom might have become distant, but I never wanted anything to happen to her. They threatened to hurt her if I ever told. I had to do anything they wanted. I was drugged, don’t have much recollection of all the things that were done, but his friends…”

  Her hand comes out and covers mine. “But you did tell, eventually?”

  I shake my head. “Nah. I was too scared. Ella came around. Realised something was up. She already knew Slick, went to him for help, and the Satan’s Devils rescued me.” My brow creases. “I don’t know the details of what happened, but at least I was told the men who hurt me are dead. I do know that they were the Herreras, and that’s why they wanted to take me for revenge. Because they blame me for the deaths in their family.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, honey,” her fingers squeeze gently. “Not your fault at all.”

  It’s taken me a couple of years of therapy to get to the place where I can accept that, even now, some days I still can’t. “I know. But what they stole from me…”

  She stares at me for a moment. “Paladin rescued you? That’s why you care for him so much?”

  “That’s what I remember. He was a prospect then, patched in shortly after. When I got to the clubhouse, I was in a state, all I could recall was him carrying me out of that house. I, er, I sort of latched onto him. I didn’t want to let him out of my sight.”

  “Clearly he didn’t want to let you out of his. He ever behave inappropriately?”

  My jaw must drop. “No. Never. And Slick and Drummer, well, it would never have been allowed.”

/>   She shakes her head. “Still think there’s something fishy about an older man lusting after a young kid.”

  “He’s not that much older. He was only nineteen when I first me him. And he didn’t lust after me.” He’d always been the perfect gentleman.

  “Not then, perhaps. But now?” I don’t understand. My face shows it. “You must have changed, honey. You must have grown up since then.”

  I shake my head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  Her mouth curves and she winks. “You’re a pretty girl, a young woman. He’ll have the hots for you just because you’re female. But what about you? Does he make your heart race when you see him? You get tingles down your spine?”

  I’m confused. “Nah, he’s Paladin. I…” My voice falters. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Moira?” Then I scoff. “The things you’re talking about only happen in romance novels. This is real-life. Pal’s a good man. He’s a great friend. He’s always been there for me.” Even if there are reactions I should, but don’t get when I see him, that’s surely down to my past.

  She looks down at her empty plate, her eyes widening slightly as though she hadn’t realised she’d eaten it clean. “Gonna say something, Jay, that you might not want to hear, but just think on it, alright? Man you’re going to spend your life with? Sure, he’s got to be your friend, but more than that. You’re sixteen now, in a short time you’ll be seventeen and of the age of consent here in Colorado. Boy’s gonna be expecting you to take the next step. But if you’re not looking forward to that, if he’s not the one who turns you on, maybe it’s not fair to keep him hanging.”

  As she pauses to take a breath, my head is shaking. She’s wrong. Paladin’s the one for me.

  “I’m not a virgin,” I tell her. “I know what goes on.”

  “I know. That’s a pity. But what you were forced to do, you should never be made to, or make yourself do if it’s not what you want. All I’m saying is you’ve got space now. You can start a new life, make new friends. Let yourself see if it is Paladin you really want.”