“Girl, you are going to get me in so much fucking trouble.” He touches my cheek. Leans in and drops the lightest kiss on my lips. Despite my earlier barf session, despite the utter humiliation and shame I experienced at having him witness me at my absolute lowest point, I’m glowing.
I was a disgusting puker and still, Eli wants to kiss me.
“I doubt that,” I answer him and he cracks a smile, though his gaze is deadly serious.
“You don’t even know, do you?” He slowly shakes his head before tilting it in the direction of the cabin. “Let’s go.”
We approach the cabin and I can see the fire is still burning, though there are a lot less people crowded around it. A lot less people in the cabin too. In fact, I would guess the majority of the party goers are gone, and then it hits me.
Where’s Ellie?
“I need to find Ellie.” I let go of Eli’s hand and start running toward the cabin, feeling like the shittiest friend. Yet again. I’m a terrible human. Seriously, why do I forget everyone else in my life the minute Eli Bennett walks into my orbit? It’s frustrating.
It’s terrifying.
“Ava, wait,” Eli calls after me, but I don’t stop. I am full blown running up the hill to the spot where Eli was sitting on that old tree stump earlier, glancing around to see if I can spot my best friend.
Crap, she’ll probably dump me as her best friend after what I’ve done.
I hear the strum of a guitar, the soft voice of a boy singing. Jackson is still sitting by the fire, and there’s only one girl left sitting by his side.
My eyes practically bug out of my head when I realize it’s my best friend.
I run toward the fire, skidding to a stop across from where they’re sitting, watching in shocked fascination as Ellie stares up at Jackson with adoring eyes while he plays the guitar and sings a song that’s vaguely familiar.
No way can she fall for this dude. He’s probably the second biggest player at his school, behind Eli.
“Ellie,” I practically screech.
The guitar stops. Ellie jolts as if awakened from a trance, her wide gaze meeting mine across the fire. “Oh my God, there you are!”
“I’m sorry,” I say weakly, feeling like an ass all over again.
“Where did you go?” She gets up from where she was sitting next to Jackson and makes her way over to me, her brows furrowed in concern as she approaches. “Are you all right? You look…unwell.”
Such a polite way to put it. I must look like absolute shit. “I uh…threw up.”
“Aw.” She frowns. “Was it all the vodka?”
I nod, battling back a fresh new wave of tears.
“Let’s get out of here,” she says, glancing over her shoulder at Jackson with longing before she turns to me. “I’ll drive your car home.”
“You’re not drunk?”
“No, I didn’t drink as much as you and Marty.” She smiles, her gaze shooting over to Jackson yet again, who’s still sitting by the fire and has once again resumed his guitar picking. He’s not even looking at us.
I think this might be a common theme when it comes to Jackson Rivers. He gets all the admiration but never offers any in return.
“Where’s Marty?” I ask her.
“Oh, he left a while ago. Went home with that boy from band he was looking for. They could make a really cute couple,” Ellie says as she glances around before her gaze returns to me. “Where did you go anyway? Were you with someone?”
Busted.
I close my eyes for a beat, unsure how I can explain this. There’s so much I could say, and most if it won’t make any sense. Just like Eli and I. Together, we make no sense. We are a disaster waiting to happen.
And I think we both know it.
“I was—” I pause and swivel my head left. Then right. Squinting into the darkness, I scan the entire area but…
Eli is nowhere to be found.
“Down by the lake,” I finish with a grimace.
“By yourself?” Ellie asks incredulously.
“Uh…”
“So freaking dangerous, Ava! You could’ve drowned!”
She sounds like Eli.
“I wasn’t that drunk,” I reassure her.
Jackson approaches us, his gaze only for Ellie. “Thanks for listening tonight.”
Ugh. I sort of want to barf again. Thanks for listening? Like she’s a fangirl and he’s a famous rock star? Annoying.
“You were wonderful,” Ellie gushes.
I’m tempted to clamp my hand over her mouth to make the adoration stop.
He smiles, and I have to admit, it’s a good look for him. “Aw, thanks. Maybe we can get together again sometime?”
“Sure,” Ellie says easily. “Sounds great.”
Jackson somehow produces a pen, and he takes Ellie’s hand. “Here’s my number.” He writes it on her palm and she closes her fingers around it when he finishes, like she wants to keep it forever. “Text me.”
Ellie subtly flirts with him, for the most part handling the entire conversation with a coolness I’ve never seen before. I’m impressed and tell her so, once we make our way back to my car.
“You really kept your cool,” I say.
She shrugs. “If I threw myself at him, he’d push me aside. That’s what he does.”
“How do you know?”
“I’ve heard stories.” Ellie shrugs as she goes to the passenger door of my car. “He likes to chase. He doesn’t want to be chased.”
“You actually like that guy?” I ask her.
She opens the car door for me. “I told you I thought he was sexy.”
Earlier, I thought that was…I don’t know. An inappropriate word choice for girls our age?
But then I kissed Eli and slipped my hand down his pants and now I get it. “He does nothing for me.”
“Good, this is why we’re best friends. We have totally different taste in men,” Ellie teases, just before she slams my car door shut.
I think about what she said as she drives us back to my house. That we have different taste in men. It’s true, and it’s beneficial to our friendship. It means we won’t hurt each other by going after the same guy. I’ve watched friendships fizzle and fall apart when two girls fight over one guy. The choices at our small high school are limited, and we tend to date within our social circle. Which makes it even more limited.
I thought Wyatt would be a good choice. He’s in my grade, we hang out with the same people. He’s cute and nice. But…
He does nothing for me, not in that way. I don’t feel anything when I talk to Wyatt.
I think of Eli, and my skin grows warm. My stomach flutters as if a swarm of butterflies are ready to take flight. I feel restless. I want to hate him. Sometimes, I actually do.
But I also want more. More Eli.
No one will understand. Not my friends. Not anyone else at school. Not the cheer team. Certainly not my brother and the rest of the football team. And definitely not my family. I’ll look like a traitor, desperate to spend time with the enemy.
I’ll have to keep it secret. He’s my secret. What we’re doing is wrong. And for now, I want to keep him to myself, and not share him with anyone else.
“You haven’t mentioned who you were with by the lake,” Ellie says casually, though I can tell she’s dying for me to make a big confession.
No way. I remain quiet and close my eyes, pretending that I’m falling asleep. I’m keeping my lips sealed.
I wonder what happened to Eli. Typical behavior, I suppose. He gets away unscathed.
Like a ghost.
Like he’s a figment of my imagination.
Nineteen
Ava
Days slip by as if I have no control over them, and I suppose I don’t. Each day seems like the exact same thing happens. Wake up. Go to school. Eat lunch with my friends. Cheer practice after school. Dinner at home with various family members or sometimes alone, since our schedules are all over the place. Homework. Scroll so
cial media. Go to bed. Start all over again.
Wednesdays are my days to nap after school because we don’t have practice. Friday is game day, and I always get home so late. Saturday is recovery day. Sunday is chores around the house and homework day.
Monday I’m back at it again.
I haven’t seen Eli since the night at the cabin. The night I threw up. When he chased after me and kissed me and took care of me like he cared. Have I heard from him since? No. Is he on social media calling out my brother and the rest of the football team on a daily basis? Yes. No more secret messages, though I watch each story he posts, playing them over and over in the hopes he’ll say something just for me.
Can’t help but think I messed up and missed out on my chance. Maybe he was disgusted by my vomiting all over the sand. It was pretty disgusting. My lowest moment by far, and Eli had to witness it.
Embarrassing.
This Friday is a home game, and it’s a big one. College scouts are coming to watch our team play—specifically the seniors. Jake is a grumpy, uptight mess, so I pretty much leave him alone. Their practices go hard, and somehow that rubs off on the cheer team. Our practices are also intense. It doesn’t help that some of the girls on the team aren’t fully getting the halftime routine, even though we practice it constantly.
That leaves our captain Cami extra bitchy.
“Oh my God!” she screams once the music is over and we’re all still holding our positions in place, fifteen of us spread out across the grass field where we practice. She whirls around to glare at all of us. “How many more times is this going to take before it finally sinks in? Our performance is tomorrow, people. Get your shit together!”
We all remain quiet, still locked in place like a bunch of pitiful followers. I hate how bossy Cami is. She thrives on making people feel bad about themselves. Most of the time, she says this mean shit when our coach isn’t around.
Like now. Brandy’s on the phone with her back to us. Her conversations or distractions never last long, but they’re always just long enough for Cami to get a few digs in.
“You’re the one who messed up on that last bit,” I can’t help but point out.
Cami’s eyes narrow as she marches up to me and thrusts her face in mine. “What did you just say to me?”
I don’t back down. I can’t. “You messed up,” I repeat slowly, raising my brows. “We’re supposed to kick our right foot. You kicked your left.”
She doesn’t move. Just glares at me with fury in her eyes, her lips so tight they practically disappear. I don’t move either. “Who the hell are you to tell me when I ‘supposedly’ mess up? Last I remember, this is your first year of cheer.”
“Who are you to yell at everyone like you run this team? Isn’t that the coach’s job?” I throw back at her.
I can feel the fear rise among the other girls. Fear and irritation, tinged with a hint of encouragement.
As if they want me to continue calling Cami out. I know I’m not the only one who’s sick of her bossy attitude.
Cami’s little sidekick Baylee chooses this moment to come stomping over, so she can accompany Cami in the glare-a-thon. “You really need to learn your place, Callahan,” Baylee says snottily.
“And you need to learn how to stay out of other people’s business,” I snap, glaring at Baylee until she slowly backs away.
Can’t stand her either. She loves to encourage Cami’s bad behavior. The two of them lord over this team like they own us.
I’m sick of it.
“What the hell is going on here?” Brandy’s off the phone, which sends all the girls scattering, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Baylee slinks off. She might talk a big game, but she hates getting in trouble.
Cami doesn’t back down from her position. Neither do I.
“Ava’s flipping me attitude,” Cami says to Brandy when she stops right next to us.
“Cami’s being a complete bitch to the entire team,” I say, my voice sugary sweet.
Brandy’s eyebrows shoot up as she looks from me to Cami. “Are you two going to waste your time arguing, or are we actually going to get back to practicing this halftime routine?”
Cami turns to Brandy, her expression incredulous. “Are you really going to let her get away with that? She just called me a bitch!”
Brandy shrugs. “If you’d stop yelling at the girls behind my back and actually respect them, maybe they’d respect you back.”
Cami gapes at her. I smirk. When Brandy catches me, I let the smirk fall, but it’s too late.
“Apologize to her,” Brandy says to me.
“What? No way! She was yelling at us first.” I rest my hands on my hips, fighting the annoyance that fills me. “She needs to apologize to the entire freaking team.”
“Fine.” Brandy sends Cami a stern look. “Apologize to the team and then Ava will apologize to you.”
Oh, this is just great. The very last thing I want to do is say sorry to Cami.
“Why should I apologize to the team when I’m just doing my job? Aren’t I the captain? That means I have certain responsibilities in order to better the team,” Cami explains, pointing at everyone who’s gathered to watch our argument. “They’re not holding up their end of the bargain. If you’re not going to yell at them for being so shitty, then I will!”
Brandy’s face is one of pure anger. Her eyes narrow, and her jaw tightens. She looks ready to take Cami out. “Leave.”
“What did you just say?” Cami asks, her voice borderline hysterical.
“I said, leave. Go. You’re dismissed from practice early today. We don’t need your ‘help’ anymore.” Brandy walks right up to her, until they’re face to face. “Come to my office tomorrow morning, so we can talk.”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Cami says, sending a scathing look in my direction. “None of you can!”
“Go Cami, before you make me mad enough that I’ll kick you off this damn team, once and for all. My team,” Brandy stresses.
We are all dead silent. I can hear the boys practicing on the football field nearby. I see the cross-country team running on a trail in the distance. I can even hear the band practicing in their room, and they’re on the other side of the freaking football field.
But not one girl on the cheer team is making a sound. I don’t think any of us are even breathing.
Cami gives in. Of course she does. With a loud huff, she storms away, stomping over to where we all left our belongings and snatches her backpack off the ground, slinging it over her shoulder as she grabs her pristine white Hydro Flask. We all watch her. Baylee even starts to run over to her, but Brandy stops her with a few choice words.
“I wouldn’t talk to her if I were you. Unless you want to leave too.”
Baylee remains where she’s at.
Once Cami is gone, Brandy allows us to take a water break. Sagging with gratitude, I grab my water flask and chug from it. My entire body is shaky after my confrontation with Cami. I don’t know where I got the balls to say all that to her, but it felt really…
Good.
“Hey, thanks for saying something,” says Dakota, one of the quieter girls on the team. She’s a junior like me, and she used to cheer with an all-star gym since she was like, six, so she’s really great. Like make us all look like complete amateurs, great. “Cami has a lot of nerve for picking on us, yet she’s not even that good.”
I start to giggle. It feels like nervous energy pouring out of me. “Right? I can’t stand how she yells at us whenever Brandy is looking the other way, acting like she’s in charge.”
“She’s awful,” Dakota agrees, a little giggle escaping her as well. “I think she especially hates you.”
“Why? Because of my brother?” When Dakota nods, I make a dismissive noise. “Please. They’re ancient history.”
“They tried to get back together recently,” Dakota reminds me.
“True.” Ugh. I still can’t believe it. What was Jake thinking?
/>
“And then she messed around with Eli Bennett and ruined everything,” Dakota says snidely. “Such a step down, you know?”
Her words smack me right in the chest, one after the other. I forgot.
I.
FORGOT.
Eli had messed with Cami behind my brother’s back. Supposedly, it was only a one-time thing, or so Cami swore, but everyone figured it had to be more.
Including Jake.
How could I forget that? No wonder Jake hates him so much. And no wonder Eli is trying to get with me. Saying all that bullshit about how much I mean to him and how we belong together. It’s all lies.
He’s just trying to mess with me to get back at Jake. As per usual. It’s like Eli is hell-bent on taking my brother down.
By any means possible.
“Yeah,” I finally say when I realize Dakota’s waiting for me to reply. “A total step down. Major downgrade.”
Dakota smiles. We laugh.
Inside, I’m seething.
The rest of practice goes smoothly. We go over that routine so many times, I’m pretty sure I can do the movements in my sleep, and we end up doing so well, Brandy releases us from practice fifteen minutes early.
Bonus.
We’re all walking to the parking lot together, everyone chatting animatedly, with the exception of me. All I can think about is Eli being with Cami. Eli having sex with Cami. God.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
“…did you see his latest story? He called out Jake yet again!” Baylee cries out gleefully as she walks and watches her phone at the same time.
Didn’t realize she was that talented. Kind of hope she runs into a pole and knocks herself out.
Ugh. I’m catty in my own head. I need to stop.
I can hear whatever story she’s talking about playing. Hear the familiar voice talking. Hear the familiar voice saying things that are…
Um.
Wait a minute.
Holy shit.
Pretty sure they’re about me.
“…not willing to give an inch, despite how many inches I want to give her!”
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