Harley opened his mouth to speak, tears wetting his cheeks, but there were no words to soothe his brother’s pain. He opened his arms and Marshall moved into them, struggling to regain control.
“She was so small, so perfect, Har,” Marshall choked out. He pushed back from Harley’s embrace and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. “Annie insisted we take a picture. I didn’t want to, but I’m glad we did. It’s all I have left.”
He pulled out the picture and handed it to Harley. His sweet wife lay in a hospital bed holding their tiny baby in her arms. The baby was swaddled in a pink-and-white blanket. She had wisps of red hair, and she looked peaceful, like she was sleeping. But the anguish in Annie’s eyes told their sorrowful story, drawing more tears for his brother’s losses. The picture was creased and faded, the corners curled and frayed. Harley could only imagine the hours Marshall had spent looking at it.
“They’re both beautiful,” Harley said. “I’m sorry, Marshall.”
“I know. It was a long time ago. Six years since we lost her.” He wiped his eyes with the base of his hand and said, “After that, we both went to shit. We moved from one town to the next, trying to start over, but we’d fallen too far. We were both devastated, but Annie couldn’t break out of it even when she was drunk, you know? She couldn’t let go enough to find herself. I tried to get her help, took her to doctors.” He wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks and said, “They gave her meds, but she wouldn’t take them. I felt like the pill police, and it fucking sucked. I became the bad guy, and I lived up to it, Harley. I never physically hurt her. I’d never do that. But we argued, and I’m not proud of that. But it was hell losing the baby, and the truth is, when we lost Destiny, I also lost Annie. And then . . .” He ground out a curse. “Annie tried to commit suicide. That was when Dad got sick. I was in the hospital with her when you called, and I couldn’t leave her, man. I couldn’t do it.”
Harley’s breath rushed out. He felt gutted. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come there to help.”
“The last thing I needed was my brother the hero swooping in to save the day.”
“That’s not fair, Marshall. I was thrust into that role, and you know it.”
Marshall’s jaw clenched so tight the veins in his temples bulged. “I thought I could help her. I got clean again, and I tried, man. Damn it, I tried so fucking hard.” He shook his head, fresh tears wetting his cheeks. “She did it when I was at work, had it all planned, like a damn grocery list. I found her in the bathtub, her wrists cut, and a note.”
“Jesus, Marsh.” Harley couldn’t hold back his own tears. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t ask what the note said. Marshall had shared enough of his pain.
“Me too. After that, I left all my shit and took off on a bender. Ended up at this biker bar in Colorado a few months later, the Roadhouse. I found the biggest, meanest-looking biker and tried to start a fight. I wanted to hurt, Harley. I wanted to die.”
Harley tried to swallow past the thickening of his throat, but it was too painful to think his brother had suffered so much and had been all alone.
“I called him names, threw his beer bottle against the wall,” Marshall said. “I shoved him, but the guy was like a fucking mountain, muscles upon muscles, with a lethal stare. The coldest, deadest eyes I’d ever seen. I egged him on, throwing punches, which had the impact of a flea. All these big-ass guys surrounded us, wearing leather and biker patches, but it was like they deferred to him, looked to him for direction, you know? The alpha of the pack. I was sweating bullets, fighting a guy who refused to fight back, knocking bottles off the bar, shoving chairs and tables out the way, and saying God knows what. The guy, Diesel, told me later that I was shouting and rambling, apologizing to Annie and Destiny.”
Harley put his hand on Marshall’s fist and held it. “Grief is a powerful thing, and you’re lucky—we’re lucky—that guy didn’t kill you.”
“He saved me.” Marshall met Harley’s gaze, trying to blink away tears. “Those guys surrounded me and waited until I wore myself out and collapsed to the floor like a fucking pussy, crying and so damn lost. The bikers who I wanted to kill me sat on the floor of the bar talking with me, to me, for hours. They told me their own horror stories of loss and battles. And then they told me about the Dark Knights motorcycle club.”
Marshall must have seen the worried look in Harley’s eyes, because he said, “It’s not a gang. They do good. Just look at me. They took me in, brought me to the Redemption Ranch, run by Tommy Whiskey. He goes by the biker name Tiny.” A wry smile curved his lips. “They must have fortified water out there, because Tiny was probably three hundred pounds, a big, bearded, and tattooed guy who looked soft. Not muscular, just heavy. But man, he is tough as nails. They rescue horses, and as in my case, they rescue people. They hire ex-cons, recovering drug addicts, people with social and emotional issues. And they help, Harley. You don’t just work on the ranch, although that’s a must. They give people a purpose, a reason to push past their pain and get moving again. Tiny’s wife, Wynona—Wynnie—is a licensed psychologist. She and a host of other medical professionals, mostly comprised of Dark Knights and their family members, hold daily therapy sessions, group and individual. There was always someone there to pick me up and remind me that I’m not alone.”
“We’ve been here, Marshall. Your family. If we’d known, we would have been there to do the same.”
“Sure, once we got past our shit. But I couldn’t come home like that. I couldn’t have done that to Mom, to Delaney and the girls. To you.”
“I wish you had,” he said, tears burning his eyes again.
“Thank you for that, but I did what I thought was right. With their help, I grieved until I couldn’t grieve any more, for my baby girl and my beautiful wife. I learned just how fucked up I was, how Annie’s issues were chemical, which was why she spiraled so far out of control. I knew she was depressed, but I stopped fighting with her to take those pills because it just pulled us apart. But then I learned what I could have—should have—done for her. She wasn’t just depressed. She was bipolar. I was told that when we were mired down with grief, but I couldn’t process it until I was seeing clearly again. And I’ve got my own issues, Har. I wasn’t just a troublemaker when we were younger. I was trying to outrun my own demons and anxiety. You wouldn’t think a teenager could have demons, but I did. Once I could see things more clearly, I grieved all over again for all the things I never did and all the people I hurt. Those men and their families, the Dark Knights, they helped me finish school, helped me find peace of mind. They showed me what I could be, and it was who I wanted to be for Annie, for Destiny, for you and Mom and Dee. For Dad.”
“Fuck, Marshall. I gave you hell when you came home for Dad’s funeral . . .” Harley’s voice was lost to a wave of guilt and regret.
“I was grieving three people I loved in the only way I knew how.”
“I’m sorry for all the shit I gave you. I’d give anything to take it back.”
Marshall shook his head. “You did the right thing. I would have torn our family apart. I wasn’t ready. I needed to find that bar in order to find my way. I think Annie led me there.”
“Did you find her family?”
“No, but I will.”
“I’m here if you want help. Marshall, I’m glad you had those guys, but we could have found a way to help you. You have to know that.”
“Don’t you get it?” Marshall said angrily, sitting up straighter, hands fisted. “I had nothing to offer but heartache. I was a broken brother and son. A waste of life.”
“Who gives a fuck? We’re family.” Harley banged his chest with his fist. “I should have been there for you. I should have gotten you help.”
“No! Stop it! You are not making this about you. This is my heartache! My pain, and damn it, Harley, this is my redemption. You cannot take that away from me.”
“Take it away? I don’t want to take it away,” he said angrily. “I feel like shit fo
r not being there for you, for sending you off without hearing you out. I’m your older brother, the guy who should have had your back.”
Marshall scoffed. “Yeah. I know a thing or two about hindsight and just how fucking painful it is. Don’t go down that dark, angry, painful path. You don’t deserve it, not for a second. I wanted to explain all of this the other night, but you didn’t give me the chance, which was fair given my history. I should have been strong enough to break through and tell you my side of the story, but man, your reaction sent me right back into defensive mode. And when I saw Piper standing with you like she was on your side, all I could think was that you finally got your girl.”
“What do you mean finally?”
Marshall closed his eyes and rested his head back against the wall. “You’ve been in love with her forever.”
“No I haven’t. A few years, but not forever.”
Marshall opened his eyes and looked at Harley like he’d lost his mind. “Do you know why I didn’t come back after I quit school?” He didn’t give Harley a chance to answer. “Because from the moment you found out I cheated on Piper, you were always up my ass. You might have been working in the city, but you kept tabs on me, you called and harassed me, you came home on weekends—”
“To help Dad at the pub or to bail you out of trouble!”
Marshall sat up straight, anger rising in his eyes. “Keep telling yourself that, but I saw the truth. That fucking black eye you gave me for cheating? That told me how much you cared about her.”
“You hurt her. I would have done that no matter who you cheated on,” Harley insisted.
“Is that what you tell yourself?” he asked calmly. “Because I remember things a little differently. When I went out with Evie Collier, you knew I cheated on her. You gave me hell, but you never touched me. When Piper got that horrible flu and I promised her I’d finish the boat so she’d have it for the summer boat race the next weekend and then I blew it off, you tracked me down. You pulled me out of a party and beat the living hell out of me for leaving her hanging. Then you finished building and painting her boat. You loved her then, man. It’s a good thing. Own it, because the way she stood up to me today told me that you two are right as rain together. You should be damn proud of that woman. She’s only gotten better with age. And you were right: I didn’t deserve her. But you sure do.”
Harley’s mind reeled back in time, spinning with memories of racing home on the weekends to work at the pub, bailing Marshall out of trouble, and a dozen other reasons he’d come home. But he felt the pulse of the truth getting louder, breaking free from its burial ground deep inside him. He’d shoved the truth down so deep, he’d never seen it. Because he felt like he was betraying his brother? He couldn’t be sure. But memories rushed in, of standing outside the pub, hoping he’d see Piper on the dock. Looking for her everywhere, wondering if she was home for the weekend, too, once she’d gone away to college.
“You remember, don’t you?” Marshall asked.
“I didn’t . . . I wasn’t trying to take your girl,” Harley said, dumbfounded by the truth.
“I know that. You were driven by your emotions. I can see that now. I understand it, and I’m not pissed at you anymore. I was angry for a long time, feeling like you chose her over me. But then I met Annie, and I finally got it. I felt love like you must have, and I knew I’d do anything for her. That’s why I’m here. I became a Dark Knight, and through them I’ve had a chance to help others the way the Dark Knights helped me. For the first time in my life, I have a clear direction, a clear head, and I know what I was meant to do. With their assistance and guidance, I came up with a business plan to open an emotional wellness center, Annie’s Hope.”
“Marshall—”
“Just hear me out. I know it’s a big endeavor. I have Annie’s life insurance money, and I want to put it to good use. I’ve been clean and sober for two years, and I’m never going back to that life again. Not when I realize how much I could have done to save my girls. I’m not talking about a huge medical clinic. I want to create a more welcoming, less threatening environment. A coffee-shop atmosphere for meetings, offices that are like living rooms, with medical professionals, volunteers, mentoring programs, work programs. My plan is a solid one. I’ve had it reviewed by several mental health professionals in Colorado. It would be similar to AA or NA. I don’t have a medical degree, but I don’t need one to be the person who pulls it together. My experience—the experiences I’ve learned about with others—are what guided me to the concept. I need to do this, Harley, and I can do it with or without your support. I know that I can stand on my own two feet, and the Dark Knights, the brotherhood, have my back. There are chapters everywhere.”
Harley looked across the room, where his brother’s leather jacket lay in a heap, the Dark Knights patches facing them, as if they were in the room with them, giving Marshall the support he needed. Despite Marshall’s forgiveness, Harley would always regret turning him away. He wanted to give him the support he was asking for, but he also wanted to protect him.
He met Marshall’s gaze and said, “I support you, brother, but I think it’s only fair to you, and to the rest of us, if you give it some time. We have a lot of anger and hurt to work through as a family, and I don’t want you to stress yourself out and end up in a bad place again.”
Marshall laughed under his breath, shaking his head. “Still the hero.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Harley said sharply.
Marshall’s lips quirked up, familiar and arrogant. “Just giving you hell. You’re right. That would be smart. I need to find NA meetings around here anyway, get my stuff sent from the ranch, and touch base with the psychologist they referred me to out here. But my first order of business is seeing Mom and Dee. Think you can go with me to talk to them tomorrow? I have to figure out how to explain to Delaney’s girls who I am and who I was.”
“Absolutely.”
Marshall carefully put the picture of his wife and baby in his wallet and shoved the wallet in his back pocket. His expression turned serious again, and he said, “If Annie and Destiny, Dad, and the stories of my Dark Knights brothers taught me one thing about life, it’s that we don’t know how long we’ll be on this earth. We have no guarantees of tomorrow, and neither do the people we love. I did the best I could at the time, but I’ll never get back the years I missed out on with Dad. I don’t know what your plans are with Piper, but I know love when I see it, and you two give it off in droves. Don’t waste a second of the life you have with her. Don’t put everyone else first, and yourself last, which is what you’ve always done. I’m not surprised you didn’t realize you loved her when we were younger. You were in hero mode, and that’s not a bad thing, Harley. Dad raised you to be a good man, to take care of the rest of us. You were saving Piper from me, and you did a good thing. But don’t stay in the background. Give her all you have now. And don’t just be her hero. Be your own hero. Because while you’re busy putting off your dreams, thinking in terms of one day, that dream can be stolen away in a heartbeat.”
The door to the pub opened, and Jiggs bounded over, covering Harley’s face with sloppy kisses. “Guess you should meet my buddy Jiggs.” Jiggs climbed on Marshall, covering his face with kisses.
Marshall loved up Jiggs and said, “He’s as touchy-feely as you are.”
Harley’s heart beat impossibly faster as Piper stepped inside, looking sweet and worried in a sweatshirt and cutoffs. After everything Marshall had said, he wanted to run to her, sweep her into his arms, and never let her go.
“Do I need a body bag, a medic, or a bottle of tequila?” Piper asked as she stepped into the bar, closing the door behind her.
Marshall looked at Harley and said, “Don’t waste a second.”
He didn’t plan to. Not with Piper and not with him.
“I saw Marshall’s bike and figured Jiggs and I would wait out on the stoop,” Piper said, righting chairs as she approached. “But it went silent for too lon
g, and I thought you’d killed each other.”
“No dead bodies,” Harley said as he pushed to his feet, wincing.
Jiggs sniffed Marshall as Harley offered his brother a hand, helping him to his feet.
“Just a couple of bruised egos,” Marshall added.
“It looks like a little more than that. Ouch, Marshall, that black eye looks like it hurts. At least you got the burly one back on his cheek.” She put her arms around Harley, and he winced. She lifted his shirt, revealing hints of what he was sure would be bruises on his ribs by morning. She pressed a kiss there, and then her lips curled into a sassy smirk and she said, “Where else did you hit him?”
Marshall and Harley chuckled.
“In the heart mostly,” Marshall said. He started to pick up fallen chairs. “I’m going to head out after we get the place fixed up and give you guys some privacy. Unless you want me to stick around to go over things with Piper?”
“I think I can handle it.” Harley touched Marshall’s hand, stopping him from fixing the chairs, and said, “I’ve got this.”
“Sorry, brother, but I clean up my own messes these days,” Marshall said, and he went back to helping put the room back in order.
When they finished, Harley asked Marshall where he was staying.
Marshall picked up his leather jacket and said, “With Ike Preacher, a Dark Knight over in Harmony Pointe.”
“Really? I hired his company to bring Delaney meals after her surgery,” Harley said as Jiggs came to his side. He scratched Jiggs’s head. “I think she’s got the hots for him.”
She Loves Me Page 32