by Grey , S. R.
So, as we stood facing each other, I knew I couldn’t say don’t go to Two Palms.
But I sure as fuck wanted to.
Maisie was making such amazing progress in moving past her misplaced guilt. Better yet, she no longer felt it mattered that we’d come from different worlds. We were meant to be together, and she knew it.
But all that was now in jeopardy. Her ridiculous mom could easily set her back.
Still, I knew this was something Maisie had to face. She needed a clean slate to move forward and be 100 percent in our relationship.
And if that meant making peace with her mom, so be it.
Resigned this was the only way, I said, “So when are you planning to go out to Two Palms?”
Maisie’s eyes met mine, apology in her indigo depths. “I need to go today. My mom’s leaving tomorrow.”
I kind of lost it then.
“That damn woman! Talk about waiting till the last minute to hit you with the news.”
Maisie laughed bitterly. “I know, right?”
Quietly, I asked, “Do you want me to go with you?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. I need to do this on my own.”
“Are you sure? ’Cause I can leave this party right now, no problem.”
“No, Noel. Stay with your sister and your friends.”
Since I’d driven, I fished the Porsche key fob from my jeans pocket.
Handing it over to Maisie, along with her phone, I said, “Here, take my car. It’ll be quicker than me driving you home to get yours.”
She hesitated. “Are you sure? How will you get back to the house?”
Aw, she was so cute., still worrying about me even when she had so much on her plate.
Chuckling, I assured her, “I’ll have Noelle drive me back. Don’t worry about me.”
“Oh, okay. I didn’t think about that.”
I could see Maisie was distracted. As not only did I have Noelle, any one of the guys would drive me home.
I didn’t mention that. It wasn’t important.
I did ask Maisie to keep me updated, and for her to call if she needed anything.
“I mean it, Mais. Anything at all.”
“Okay, Noel. I will.”
I kissed her, and she turned to leave.
“Talk to you soon,” she murmured.
“Okay.”
As I watched her walk away, I hoped and prayed this woman I loved like nobody’s business would finally find the closure she needed for herself…and for us.
Maybe Not
I was on my way to Two Palms, the wide desert expanse before me as I barreled down the highway at eighty in Noel’s Porsche.
Maybe if I went fast enough, I could outrun myself.
That’s when it hit me—that’s what this had always been about. My back and forth with Noel, my constant wavering, it was me running from myself.
Ugh, but I couldn’t think about that now.
I had to deal with my mom first.
As I crossed the state line into Arizona, I thought about how I hadn’t expected to return so soon, and certainly not under these circumstances.
I always believed that if and when I came back, it’d be on my own terms.
Ah, but life never works like that, does it?
No, especially not when dealing with my mother.
“Our dynamic is so messed up,” I murmured out loud.
The whole thing was ridiculous—Mom running away with the Juice King. I had to laugh.
My amusement didn’t last long. It faded the instant I reached Two Palms.
“Yay,” I muttered sarcastically as I drove through the run-down town. “I’m back.”
I passed the convenience store where I once worked and the gas station where my first boyfriend once pumped gas.
One time he had pumped me in the back room…after hours, of course.
That was a story I planned to keep to myself. I didn’t think Noel would want to hear that one.
By the time I pulled up to the trailer I once called home, I felt ill and out of sorts. Maybe coming back had been a big mistake.
All it was doing so far was reminding me of just how different Noel and I were.
I thought I was past that.
Maybe it wasn’t that easy to escape your demons. You probably have to have truly dealt with them to move on.
And I had not.
That’s when it happened—everything I’d worked so hard to overcome came rushing back over me, not unlike a huge wave in the ocean, knocking me down, pulling me under.
I knew then that all the fears I thought I’d squashed had just been kept at bay. And now they were back with a vengeance.
Once I was out of the car and knocking on the front door of the trailer, all of which felt like a hazy dream, I was emotionally right back to the day Noel had found me.
“This isn’t good.”
No, it wasn’t.
No one was coming to the door, so I knocked again, frantically this time. All the while, my heart was screaming for me to turn around and leave. Two Palms had me spiraling, and I feared what my mother might say to really bring me down. She had the ability to make my whole relationship implode.
I should have left, but I didn’t.
It was too late, anyway. Mom had opened the door.
“Maisie,” she said.
I gave her a curt nod. “Mom.”
After an assessing once-over, she clucked, “Huh. For someone who just nabbed herself a hot and famous hockey player, you sure look miserable.”
I rolled my eyes.
This was so typical.
“Hello to you too, Mom,” I scoffed.
Waving her hand, her blood-red nails a quick blur, she stated dismissively, “Good God, Maisie, you are entirely too serious. I’m only having a little fun with you. Why are you knocking anyway?” She moved aside. “Get in here.”
I stepped into the trailer and it felt like déjà vu.
No, not that, since I had, in fact, lived there.
It was just weird, that was all.
I glanced around.
Nothing had changed. Same old faded floral print sofa, same old worn red vinyl chair wedged in the corner. The kitchen was on the right, and to the left, a skinny hall bisected the living room, leading to two small bedrooms and one cramped bath.
Mom picked up a pack of smokes from a nearby table. She lit one and plopped down on the sofa. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a bronze sweater. She looked good, as always, like an older version of me.
Eyeing me intently, she said, “From that look on your face, I guess you’re used to mansions and luxury now.” She flicked an ash on the carpeted, albeit threadbare, floor. “I have to say, you did good, Maisie. I’m proud of you.”
I rolled my eyes.
Leave it to Mom to think I was with Noel for his money.
But there was something else I thought of then.
“Wait. How do you know so much about Noel?”
She took a drag from her smoke, flicked an ash, this time into a tray on the little end table next to her, and said, “I met the guy, remember?”
“Yes, I know. But he told me he didn’t mention that he plays hockey.”
Mom rolled her eyes. They were the same indigo color I saw reflected back at me every day when I looked in the mirror. It was amazing how we could look so much alike, yet be so different.
She blew out a breath. “Right, that’s true. He didn’t tell me he was a hockey player. But he did mention his name. I, of course, looked him up on Google the minute he left.”
Ah, it was all making sense now.
She shrugged, chuckling. “Noel Sandlund, huh? I figured he had to be somebody special to be driving a top-line Porsche like the one he had that day. Speaking of which, I noticed you drove here in the same car. That guy must really trust you, letting you tool around in a car like that.”
“He does trust me,” I snapped.
“Anyway,” Mom went on, “I th
ought he might be some kind of a Las Vegas businessman or something. Imagine my surprise when I discovered he’s far more than that—he’s one of the Las Vegas Wolves’ premiere defensemen.”
“That’s not why I’m with him, Mother,” I clarified.
I was tired of her alluding to as much. Landing wealthy men was her gig, not mine.
I added, “I’d be with Noel even if he worked at a gas station.”
My mother snipped, “If I recall, you’ve been there, done that.”
Ugh.
I’d had enough.
“Mom, just shut up,” I snapped.
I hadn’t come to argue. I just wanted to get my clothes and the photo albums, then say goodbye, possibly for good.
“Where are you going with Gary?” I asked, partly to change the subject and partly out of curiosity. “Will you be heading back to Sweden?”
Mom shook her head, took one last hit of her mostly spent cigarette, and put it out in the ashtray.
“No, no,” she said. “Gary’s permanent residence is in LA. We’ll be living there.”
“Ah, I see.”
“You and Noel can come visit us, if you’d like,” she said, surprising the hell out of me.
But she was back to typical Mom form when she added, “I bet Gary’s place is bigger than your Noel’s.”
“It’s not a competition, Mom,” I reminded her. “And he’s not my Noel. He’s just Noel.”
“I beg to differ, Mais. I’d say that boy is smitten. Driving all the way out here to find you, moving you into his house, letting you drive his fancy car. He’s definitely into you, making him, in my book, your Noel.”
Ha, if she knew he’d bought me my own Porsche, she’d really flip out. Still, it wasn’t what she thought, and I tried to explain.
“Mom, you just don’t get it, do you? Yes, Noel loves me. But I love him too.”
She put her hand over her heart. “What? You think I don’t love Gary?”
It wasn’t worth it; she’d never understand.
I shrugged, and she stood up, huffing indignantly. “Let me go get your stuff, Maisie.”
“Fine.”
Everything was always a battle with her. I prayed I wouldn’t end up like that. I didn’t want to ever be so bitter.
But I could see where it could happen. I was already feeling angry and resentful right then.
When I left, five minutes later with my things in hand and a shaky promise to keep in touch, I couldn’t help but feel bereft. The visit had not gone as planned. There’d been no closure at all. If anything, the old wounds had opened back up.
And they were now bleeding.
I knew closure was what Noel was hoping for. He wanted me to go to Two Palms and finally bid adieu to my old life.
But it wasn’t that easy.
Two Palms was just as much a part of me as Chicago was to him. And no matter how much I hated to admit it, I was like my mom.
Had I not started my relationship with Noel under false premises?
Yes, yes I had.
He claimed it didn’t matter, but what if it did?
What if, in time, he’d come to resent me?
I loved Noel, but would it ever really be enough?
Was I even good for him?
It seemed he might truly be better off without me.
And that broke my heart.
Back to Where We Were
I thought Maisie’s trip out to Two Palms would be good for her.
Was I ever wrong!
She returned more distant than ever, throwing the photo albums and clothes into the closet, not wanting to look at them or anything. Worse yet, she wouldn’t talk about what had gone down, no matter how hard I tried to broach the subject.
“Mais, are you sure there’s not something on your mind that you’d like to share? You haven’t said much about your visit to your mom.”
It was about our tenth conversation on the subject, and like all the others, she replied, “No, there’s nothing to talk about. I told you everything went fine, Noel.”
I was more adamant this time, though.
“Yes, you keep saying that. But you seem different since you’ve been back.”
She kissed me and patted my arm. “You’re sweet to worry. But I’m good, I swear. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Hmm…”
I bet she did, and I bet it would end up not being good for us.
I was ready to press, but glancing down at her watch, Maisie trilled, “Ooh, would you look at the time. It’s almost seven thirty. I better get to class. And you”—she eyed me seriously—“you’ll be late for practice if you don’t get a move on right now, mister. I am still your assistant, you know.”
“Yes.” I blew out an I-give-up breath. “I know.”
That’s how we rolled for the next few weeks, going through the motions of everyday life, but not really communicating about anything of substance.
I knew we couldn’t go on like that forever.
Something had to break.
I just prayed it wouldn’t be us that shattered into a million pieces.
I tried to give Maisie her space, thinking maybe she’d work through whatever was bothering her on her own.
Good thing I had a lot to keep me busy during that time.
Training camp was finishing up, and the regular season started in a week. We had one final preseason home game against the Coyotes first, though.
And it was tonight.
The Coyotes were one of our biggest rivals. It didn’t matter that it was still the preseason. The fans would be pumped.
Boy was I ever right.
Even before the game got underway that evening, as I was skating out onto the ice for warm-ups, the Wolves fan base was already fired the fuck up.
The arena was raucous, it was loud.
But I loved it.
If this was a preview of what the regular season would be like, then greatness was in store.
Yeah, I can live with that.
As I was daydreaming about hoisting another Stanley Cup, Blake skated by, tapping my stick with his.
“Hey,” he called out as he skated up ahead of me.
I caught up to him, and I could tell right away from the look on his face that he was as psyched as I was.
Sure enough, he said, “Fuck, Noel. Can you believe this crowd tonight? This is amazing.”
I chuckled. “Just wait till the regular season starts, my man. This is nothing.”
He laughed, assuring me, “I can’t wait.”
Neither could I.
Blake, taking in the cheering crowd once more, said, “I guess we better not screw it up this year, huh?”
“For sure,” I snorted.
Once the game got underway, the lively atmosphere grew even livelier. Our team looked good and we were giving the fans exactly what they wanted.
It was like everyone was in perfect sync.
The poor Coyotes never stood a chance.
Even at the start of the game, our captain, Brent, got a goal.
That was only one minute in.
And then, bam, he scored another six minutes later.
When Blake scored in the second period, I got the assist.
In the third, Brent racked up yet another goal, earning him a hat trick.
Ball caps rained down onto the ice.
And then it was over—we had won.
It was glorious, an ideal way to close out our preseason—with a decisive and fun win.
In the locker room, Coach Townsend was more than pleased and congratulated everyone on the stellar game.
Ever the forward-thinking coach, he drew up some plays on the big dry-erase board attached to the wall.
“I liked what I saw out there, boys,” he began. “But there’s always room for improvement.”
Ugh.
His words reminded me of the time Maisie had called me into the study to discuss my goals and objectives for the season. She’d been so cute that day. And she’d sa
id the same thing. Or maybe I had. I couldn’t remember.
It all seemed so far away.
I sighed, and Coach’s voice became a distant murmur.
Maisie and I just had to get back to where we were.
I loved her too much for us to keep going on like this.
I knew then what I had to do—I had to make her talk to me, no matter what. Waiting for things to improve on their own just wasn’t working.
No more delays.
We’re talking tonight!
This Ends Tonight
I went to Noel’s last preseason game to watch him play amazingly. It wasn’t just him that was on fire. The whole team seemed destined for greatness.
What was less clear was our future.
We were stuck.
I tried to cast the doubts from my mind, but I couldn’t. So I made some decisions, important ones that needed to be discussed as soon as possible.
Seemed, though, I wasn’t the only one.
When Noel and I were driving back to the house after the game, he told me he wanted to talk.
Perfect.
Nodding in agreement, I replied, “Sounds good. I have some things I need to say too.”
He glanced over at me curiously. “You do? Like what?”
Poor Noel.
He’d been waiting, wanting me to talk for a long time now, ever since I’d returned from my mother’s.
I hadn’t felt ready, though, up until now. I’d been unsure of what to do, or what to say.
But I finally knew what had to be done.
The car, though, wasn’t the place for such an important conversation.
So I said, “I think we should wait till we’re back at the house to really get into it, Noel.”
A flash of irritation crossed his face. “Whatever, Maisie,” he snapped.
He was quiet then.
Who could blame him?
None of this was his fault.
In fact, Noel had been nothing but kind and patient ever since the fateful trip to my mom’s house.
And that had been three weeks ago.
Somehow, though, I knew it’d come to this.
And what was “this”?
Well, I was going to tell Noel I decided to move out of his place. Not because I didn’t love him anymore, but because I loved him too much.