Surprise Double Delivery

by Therese Beharrie

  * * *

  The presentation began with a talk on what made multiple birth pregnancies different from single pregnancies. A lot of which he and Izzy were already aware of due to their medical experience but hearing there was a higher risk of complications and need for more health professionals at the birth was different when you were preparing for real.

  There were plenty of helpful tips for them to take some of the stress out of coping with more than one baby. Including bathtimes and having all necessary supplies at hand before attempting to bath the babies, one at a time. A lot of the general advice was focused on support and making sure there was more than one pair of hands available when possible. Something he intended to do. In fact, he was looking forward to sharing the bathing and feeding with Izzy and forging a bond with their babies.

  They were given a couple of dolls to practise changing nappies on and Sharon came to supervise their attempts.

  ‘I can see Dad has done this before. Well done.’

  There was a good reason he had his baby doll changed in seconds whilst Izzy was still grappling with the tapes on her twin’s nappy. He’d had a lot of experience when his nephews and nieces had been young. Back then, when they’d all come together at his parents’ house for special occasions, he’d made the most of his precious uncle time. As far as he’d been concerned, it was practice for the family he’d always expected to have, and his sisters had been over the moon when he’d volunteered for changing duty.

  This practical lesson should have been overwhelming to someone who’d been doing his best not to get too involved beyond providing practical support, but it reminded him of the joy he’d once experienced being around children. Before life with Janet had attached negative connotations with the idea of being a father. Now he and Izzy were making moves towards being a real couple it was about time he stopped catastrophising, imagining the worst outcome, and enjoyed every moment life together would bring them.

  He looked around at the other couples all mucking in together to change their pretend babies whilst he was standing back watching Izzy struggle do it alone.

  ‘Let me help, Iz. We’re a team, remember?’ She gave him a wary look, and he knew it was going to take time to convince her he meant every word, but he had months left to prove himself. He was going to be the best father Izzy could ever wish to have for her children.

  * * *

  As they arrived back at the car after the class Cal caught sight of a couple exiting the maternity wing with their newborn in one of those carriers he’d had to buy for the twins. The pair were obviously new parents, that glow of unconditional love for the life they’d just created lighting them up like Christmas trees. Cal smiled, anticipating the day he and Izzy would experience walking out that door as first-time parents too.

  The little family stepped out into the sunshine and it was then everything hit home. These weren’t just random strangers he was watching start a new chapter of their lives together, it was Janet and Darren and the baby he’d been father to for its first weeks of existence.

  They were oblivious to anyone’s presence, in their little bubble of pure joy, and it was like a kick in the gut for Cal. Not because he was jealous of Darren but because he’d never seen Janet look so at peace. Leaving him had obviously been the best thing she could have done. He would never have made her this happy. Blinded by his desire for a family at any cost, he hadn’t seen the flaws in their relationship at the time, but it was obvious now he’d never loved her the way he loved Izzy.

  They’d never had the same connection or interests and, looking back, something had always been lacking in their relationship. It must have been for Janet to go looking for more with another man and for Cal to be happy for them walking away as a family. Izzy was the best thing to have ever happened to him and this encounter proved it.

  * * *

  ‘Is everything all right?’ Izzy was sitting in the car, waiting for Cal to get in. His attention was elsewhere, and it hadn’t taken long for her to figure out why. Janet was like a dead weight around her neck, dragging her down every time she thought she was making progress with Cal.

  ‘Fine.’ He got in and closed the door, making no mention of the scene across the road. If it didn’t bother him he would’ve referenced the couple exiting the hospital with their new bundle of joy but clearly it was still hurting that he was no longer part of it.

  It was difficult not to take that personally and have it pierce her heart until it felt as though her life blood was draining slowly and painfully away every time she thought of the longing on his face. He wanted his ex and her baby over Izzy and his own children. That was the family he was supposed to have, and they were simply the imposters he’d been landed with.

  It wasn’t fair to carry on pretending this was going to work out when she’d been forcing him into this relationship every step of the way. Perhaps she’d been trying to convince herself he only needed time to learn to love her and the babies because deep down she was afraid of doing this alone. She’d been out of her depth in that class even with their fake twins whilst Cal had been the calm, capable one. It was in that moment, holding that doll, not even knowing how to change a nappy properly, that it had hit home what a huge undertaking motherhood was going to be for her. There were going to be two precious mites totally dependent on her to protect and provide for them as well as guide them through life. Difficult to do when she hadn’t had any role models who’d done the same for her. What if she couldn’t handle it like all of those who were supposed to have parented her?

  She didn’t want to have children who resented her and rejected a relationship with her once they were old enough to leave home. Although she hadn’t realised it, she’d been acting the role of parent as much as Cal. If they carried on pretending they knew what they were getting into they were going to end up resenting each other for getting trapped in a situation that would be much harder to get out of once the twins arrived.

  They’d be taking a huge gamble on the future if they stayed together and she wasn’t prepared to do that again. Cal deserved that same level of happiness he’d witnessed in Janet and she wasn’t convinced she could give him that. Izzy didn’t want either of them settling for second best.

  * * *

  So much for putting her mind at ease. Regardless of the information leaflets she had tucked in her bag and all the stress-relieving tips they’d been given, Izzy was more wound up than ever by the time they got home.

  She’d been so caught up in that idea of her happy family coming together that she’d only today realised something capable of bringing her back down to earth with a thump. No amount of cajoling was going to make Cal love these babies.

  Her crush and her bond with Cal had, on her part at least, evolved into real love. She was grateful to him for providing a roof for her and she wanted him to be part of her babies’ lives but not if he didn’t love these babies the way she loved them.

  ‘Have you taken your supplements today?’ It was a simple enough question but now when she was analysing every conversation Cal’s focus on the pregnancy only ever seemed to centre around her health. His interest seemed limited to that of a doctor rather than a prospective father.

  ‘Yes. You don’t have to keep reminding me.’ Now she was becoming vexed on behalf of her unborn children, memories of her own childhood made her snappy with him.

  Those big eyes full of hurt at her tone might have made her feel as though she’d just kicked a puppy, but she’d fallen for that guilt trick too many times with Gerry. Time and again she’d been promised a life of her dreams only to find it was nothing more than an illusion. Foster families, her parents, even Gerry had conned her into thinking she’d found security, only to snatch it away again when they discovered life with her lacking in some way.

  The circumstances might be different with Cal but they were also scarily similar. Despite promises to herself not to get too invested in a rel
ationship again, or rely on any one person solely for support, she’d left her home and jumped into bed with him. If he didn’t want this family as much as she did, wasn’t completely and madly in love with all three of them, then her future was as rocky as ever.

  With sleepless nights and double the mess a newborn usually brought, Cal would tire quickly of them all invading his space. Izzy wasn’t prepared to expose her children to the same uncertainty she’d grown up in.

  ‘What’s wrong? Please don’t feel too overwhelmed by it all. We can go through those information leaflets together later and work on your birth plan if you like.’

  ‘As a matter of fact, I have been thinking about the birth. I’m wondering if it’s a good idea for you to be there after all.’ It hurt to say it, even more to see him flinch as though she’d punched him in the gut. But theirs was a complicated relationship created mostly through circumstances. They needed some way to separate those feelings encompassing friendship, love and loyalty.

  ‘I thought we’d already discussed this?’

  After a brief lapse Izzy’s barriers were back up, protecting her, and she needed the truth, not some fantastic version of it, before she’d let him bypass them again. In the long run, telling her only what he thought she wanted to hear now would cause greater distress later when it turned out not to be true. Her heart bore the scars of experience.

  ‘Do you want these babies, or just me?’ Cal had never made a declaration of love to her, never mind the babies, and it should be a requirement for a man who expected to be in their lives.

  ‘Can’t I have both?’ He genuinely didn’t appear to understand her concerns but that was half of the problem. If he had that nursery filled and someone in his bed, he’d be content to coast along. Whereas she wasn’t prepared to let her family merely exist.

  ‘You’ve done so much, Cal, but I worry you only want us to replace everything Janet took from you. I’m not getting any real emotional connection between you and the babies.’ It was harsh, but she needed to figure out his true intentions. If this wasn’t going to work out she’d have to make alternative accommodation arrangements and time was running out before the twins arrived. Izzy couldn’t bring them back from the hospital to a house that was full of tension because she was afraid to trust the man they were supposed to live with.

  He was pacing the room, hands on his hips, nostrils flaring—all the symptoms of someone trying not to lose their cool. Hardly surprising, she supposed, when it would seem as though she was turning on him after all he’d done for her. She should be jumping at the chance of having someone like that in her life but the string of liars she’d endured over the years had left her suspicious, even of a good man like Cal.

  ‘You really think that of me? That I would offer you everything I had, make love to you, provide a home for you and our babies, all so I could pick up where I left off with a woman who’d clearly never loved me?’ His gasp of disbelief did make her falter in her assumptions. He made it, her, sound crazy, but she’d been able to twist all his good intentions to fit some darker purpose because it suited her better than risking her heart again.

  Izzy threw her hands up. ‘I don’t know any more.’

  ‘You don’t know any more...’ His mumbling was punctuated with soulless laughter as he scrubbed his hands through his hair. The display of frustration at her lack of faith in him was as effective as if he’d burst into tears and she hated herself for putting him through this necessary test of his devotion.

  ‘Don’t get cross with me, Cal. Everything’s just so...confusing.’ Her head was beginning to hurt with all the back and forth going on in there. Everything in her heart wanted to believe they were going to have their happy ending but her head knew better and was working overtime to remind her of everything that could potentially go wrong.

  He stopped pacing like a caged bear and came to stand in front of her, resting his hands on her shoulders and imploring her to look him in the eye. ‘Why? I’ve been honest with you from the start about only wanting to do right by you. I never expected to fall in love with you. I know it’s complicated things, but I thought we’d be able to work things out.’

  He loved her, and she wished that was all she’d needed to hear from him. Wished that it made every misgiving she had about their future flap its wings and take flight.

  ‘I’m sorry but it’s not enough for me.’

  ‘What have I done wrong?’ In truth he’d been the perfect partner in every way imaginable. It was his potential as a father that made her wary of continuing their relationship if his heart lay elsewhere. The babies were never going to be good enough for him, just as she’d never been good enough for anyone in her life.

  ‘Family is everything to me, Cal, but we both know this one doesn’t include you.’

  ‘I can only give you what I can but if it’s not enough...’ He faltered then, his hands falling from her shoulders as he let his true pain at the situation show. She’d been so selfish, thinking only of how she was affected by these great life-changing moments. Cal was every bit as insecure and damaged by his past as she was.

  Izzy suddenly realised he was right, she was the one in the wrong here. He’d been bending over backwards to make her life easier, to make her feel wanted, and all this time she’d been looking for excuses as to why things couldn’t work between them.

  ‘I know. I’m so sorry.’ It was a mess and all she’d done was destroy a relationship that could have stood a chance.

  Izzy tried to reach out to him and he physically shrank away from her touch as though he couldn’t bear her to touch him. She wanted to vomit.

  ‘I told you everything Janet had put me through, you don’t think that was humiliating enough for me?’ It had taken him so long to open up to her again, Izzy knew how hurt and embarrassed he’d been by Janet’s betrayal.

  Arms folded, lips drawn into a thin line, his body seemed to close in on itself as he physically and emotionally withdrew from her, and Izzy realised she was about to lose everything.

  ‘You saved me, Cal, and now I don’t know what I, what we, would do without you.’ The babies kicked her as though to remind her she was coming close to stuffing things up for all of them. In trying to protect herself from a man who’d never put her first, she’d lost sight of the man who always did.

  * * *

  Cal couldn’t keep track of the emotional roller-coaster he’d been strapped into since last night when Izzy had climbed into his bed. He’d been delighted to jump on board then for the ride of his life. With her in his arms all night he’d believed it was the start of their rest of their life together. Now? It was like finding that note pinned to the fridge all over again.

  ‘Yeah. I’m always good for picking up the pieces of the mess other men have left behind.’ Janet had used him as some sort of back-up when Darren hadn’t immediately stepped forward to be the father of her baby. She’d taken advantage of his desire to be part of a family again and milked him for everything he was worth in terms of money, love and attention. He’d never expected Izzy to do the same.

  When someone, or something, better came along, she’d dump him quicker than a dirty nappy. It was his fault for getting into exactly the same situation again after vowing never to let any woman play him the way Janet had done. This was worse. Izzy had been his friend and confidante long before he’d fallen in love with her. Another one-sided love affair doomed to end in heartache for him.

  After Janet, he hadn’t thought he had anything left to lose. Now he was back in that same position with his heart, his home and his future on the line, and he had to take back some control. In another few months the babies would be here and there would be no going back.

  ‘At the minute I feel as though I’ve been drafted in as a last-minute substitute to save the day, rather than someone you’d planned to be with for the rest of your life.’ He was too angry, too hurt to hold back and save her f
eelings. He’d been doing that for too long with too many people and it was about time he was able to say what he really thought. Except getting it off his chest was doing nothing to make this any easier.

  ‘To be fair, neither of us had planned for this to happen, Cal, and I’m sorry if you think I somehow tricked my way into your affections. If you knew me the way I thought you did, you’d realise I’m not that devious.’

  ‘I’m beginning to think I don’t know you at all.’

  ‘So, what are you saying? That you want to put an end to this now? Do you want me to move out?’ With her arms folded Izzy challenged him directly, instead of skirting around the problem the way he and Janet obviously had. If he’d known then what the problem between them had been, he wouldn’t have hesitated in ending their relationship himself, but this situation with Izzy wasn’t so clear cut.

  He didn’t want to act in the heat of the moment in case he’d come to regret it. ‘I need some time to think things through.’

  ‘I—I’ll pack a bag.’ Izzy didn’t argue, cry, shout or do anything to show she had any passion about what they did next and that made Cal question the whole nature of their relationship when his heart was breaking. He didn’t want to split now with no way back until he had some space away from the situation to see it from a different perspective, but he wasn’t sure Izzy was of the same opinion.

  ‘No, I’ll go.’

  He wouldn’t ask her to move out unless he was one hundred per cent sure that was what they both thought was for the best. With children involved they couldn’t be that sort of couple who split and got back together whenever the mood took them. Stability was the keyword in a child’s life and in that of a man who’d been burned once too many times.