Conquest

by Felix von Falkenlust

  “Damn!” I kicked the wall, and then swore again because it hurt like heck. I remembered my boots were still only Level Twos, and noticed the toe of the right one was worn down to almost a hole. Old boots had no trade-in value, so I figured I should just wait until I was a Level Six to get a new pair.

  I dragged my poorly shod feet around through the streets, my spirits low. I walked by that sweet level-five sword again, giving it pitiful, covetous glances. Before I knew it I stood in front of the inn. I hadn’t even consciously headed there, but I figured since I was there I should go in and see if Bob was waiting for me.

  I went up the thick oak steps, sighing twice before I even reached the top, and as I opened the door I muttered, “Damn, I wanted to find that wit—”

  I couldn’t finish my sentence with my jaw hanging open.

  “Which witch seek thee, oh fighter? I?” The witch lay on my bed, a long, bare leg stretched seductively out of her red robe, her head on her hand, and the curve of her hip jutting out in a bewitching display of femininity. “Yet I am but a Mage.”

  The same bed in my room at the same inn, and yet the room was transformed. The white plaster walls were now shapeless black nothingness. A strange fog drifted low over the floor. The light from the candles seemed to focus on her like a spotlight. She must have leveled up her face since we last met, because she looked better than anyone I had yet seen in the city.

  “Come, warrior. Embrace me.”

  She lifted away her robe to reveal everything. I yanked off my tunic, sucking in my gut and puffing up my chest, and trying to flex my arms without seeming to try. I pulled down my breeches and added some bass to my voice.

  “Look upon it, Mage. As promised, I present to you: a Level Five. Take it if you dare!” In truth, it wasn’t even that big, yet at this stage of the game it probably seemed to her like the equipment of a porn stud.

  I went to her, and she opened her arms to take me in. Before I closed in on her body, I stared at her fine breasts and pleasing curves and tried to imagine how the living Ace Singleton would have felt if he had ever had a woman like this in front of him, which he had not.

  I fell into her arms, my lips meeting hers in hard, fierce kisses, my rigid flesh seeking admission into her soft body. I felt my uncovered skin slide into slippery softness. I gasped as the sensation enveloped me, and she gasped too, and our breath rose together in a harmony of passion. It felt so good, and yet it seemed to last strangely long, as if I was ensnared in the witch’s spell. The feeling grew inside me, more urgent with every thrust, and then I heard the witch’s pleasure in her voice and felt her breath hot on my cheek and she squeezed down on me in the heights of passion and then I could contain the pleasure no more and it burst inside her, filling the witch with my potent brew.

  I closed my eyes, and I stayed connected with her until our breathing slowed. When I opened my eyes I saw first the glowing face of the witch, and then the room, just the same normal room I had woken up in that morning.

  She must have seen the confusion in my face. “The Spell of Seduction.”

  I smiled and said, “You didn’t need a spell to seduce me.”

  “I know, but it’s a cool effect.” She suddenly frowned. “Damn, it’s so hard to stay in character after sex.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “HI Mom.”

  “Ace! I’m so glad you called. I was beginning to worry; it had been so long since I talked to you. . . .” There was more than a hint of reproach in her tone.

  “Sorry, it’s just, uh, you know, the way time works here is different, so it might seem a little long sometimes.” This probably wasn’t true, but there was no way I was going to tell my mother I’d spent most of the time in a game where the main objective was bedding as many girls as I could.

  “Oh. It’s just that, after you being gone sixteen years, I just . . .” She paused, allowing me ample time to feel guilty. “Are you getting enough to eat?”

  Is she worried I’m going to starve to death?

  “Oh yes, yes. In fact they had a batch of mac and cheese waiting in the oven for me on the first day. Tasted just like yours—well, maybe not that good.” I wasn’t about to even hint it had actually been just a bit better. But I meant it when I said, “It reminded me of you. And the kitchen here is just like ours, and my bedroom, and the living room—”

  “Oh God, you can’t see my room, can you? Because it’s a mess right now and I would hate for—”

  “Relax, Mom. Your room isn’t modeled at all.”

  “Modeled?”

  “I mean it’s not there to look at. It’s just the door, and I can’t open it.”

  “I’ll never understand how any of this stuff works. I’ve never been good with computers. Now you on the other hand . . .”

  “To be honest, this is all way over my head.”

  “Have you seen Uncle Cylock yet?”

  Crap, I forgot all about him. And I couldn’t explain it was because I was busy getting busy.

  “Uh, not yet. I don’t really know where to look.”

  “You could try the nearest bar.”

  “Jeez, Mom, that’s harsh.”

  “Oh, I didn’t mean it to sound like that. But you know he did have a bit of a drinking problem. Have you tried calling him?”

  “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. I must have his number here somewhere. All of my stuff from life is here, I don’t know how they did it.”

  “Maybe that explains why those Digital Afterworld people came to the house and went around with those lasers. They said something about scanning.”

  “Oh. Yeah, that must be it. Except there’s stuff here I threw out before I died.” I couldn’t begin to explain the concept of thought-mining to her.

  “Oh, my show’s on. But if you wanted to talk more . . .”

  “It’s fine, Mom. Watch your show.”

  “You’d better call your sister when you get a chance. Is the weather okay there?”

  “It’s beautiful outside. Go watch your show Mom.”

  She signed off with a barrage of motherly affection that I will spare you. After all, you’re here to hear about my adventures plowing through punani and slicing through monsters.

  But I was taking a little break from the humping and killing, a concept that baffled Bob. At least the humping part. It might puzzle you, too. I didn’t have to worry about my eyes getting strained, or my thumbs getting blisters. Conquest was its own world, and it was a fricking awesome world. But I didn’t want it to ever be anything less than awesome. I wanted to keep the magic alive.

  I also wanted to check out more Cybertronic Catgirl Killer manga, so after I finished the books at the house I headed to Comic Fucking Heaven. I took my time, taking everything in through the glasses I didn’t need when playing Conquest: the crazy mix of houses in the suburb where I, uh, lived; the scenic route to town; downtown Main Street, with its uniformly Victorian buildings and small-town charm.

  Even though I knew what to expect when I went through the door of the tiny house and walked into the massive emporium of geekdom, it still messed with my mind. The laws of physics may not have applied to this digital afterworld, but my digitized brain still expected things to conform to those laws.

  I found the next couple issues of CCK and went to the register. Anaksa finished ringing up a customer and then noticed me with a smile.

  “Hey, you’re back!”

  “Of course.” I waved the books in my hand. “I told you you’d be seeing a lot of me.”

  “It took you that long to finish just those two books? You must’ve been spending a lot of time in The Arcade.” She gave me a knowing look.

  “Well, I uh . . .” You would think being dead for over a decade and a half would’ve spared me from turning red, but my cheeks felt distinctly warm. I must have spent a week straight playing Conquest.

  “Don’t be ashamed. Everyone spends most of their time in The Arcade, especially at first. I sure did. I still spend most of my time off t
here.”

  “Oh, you’re a gamer?”

  “Don’t be so surprised. I work in a comic store.”

  “Well, you know, just because you’re a geek in one way doesn’t mean you’re a geek in every way.”

  “True. But I pretty much am.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “So, what do you play?”

  Now my cheeks actually burned.

  “Oh,you know, a little of this, a little of that. . . .” Please don’t ask for details. . . .

  She didn’t. She just smiled, packed up my books, and said “Come back soon!”

  I went back home and kicked back with a volume of Cybertronic Catgirl Killer, a pizza, and a beer. I hadn’t ordered a pizza. I hadn’t stopped at the store to get a six-pack. What I had done, as I opened the door to my house, was thought, I could really go for a pizza and a beer right now. And then smelled the alluring scent from the oven and found the hand-tossed pie waiting for me. A golden, foaming beer waited in a frosty mug.

  It made me a little uncomfortable, a corporation picking through my thoughts like that, but I forgot all about that when I sank my teeth into the pizza of my dreams. Seriously it was incredible. The crust, the sauce, the cheese, it all came together so expertly I thought I had died and went to heaven, then realized the first part was true. I took a gulp of beer, German Pilsner style, so cold it should have been frozen, and a dead-perfect match for the pizza.

  I was almost as happy sitting there reading my comic and eating this heavenly meal as I had been playing dong hockey with the witch.

  “This is the life,” I sighed happily, then did a spit-take with my beer as the irony of that statement hit me. A little beer landed on the carpet, and yet somehow I knew I wouldn’t have to bother cleaning it up.

  “Well,” I said to myself as I ogled a fan-service panty shot of Mabel, “This makes up for the last time I tried to get a pizza.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Icouldn’t stay away from Conquest very long. No surprise, right? Before even three days had elapsed I was walking through the blackness toward that fantasy world of sex and violence.

  I knew perfectly well that the developers could have made it so you just instantly appeared in the game; whether in Conquest or Verterria, I had not once experienced any loading delay. But the effect was so cool, like walking through a rift in time and space, the excitement building up as I came closer to the light.

  Speaking of moving toward the light, you probably want to know if anything like that happened when I died; like did I see any of my previously departed relatives, or did my life flash before my eyes? But I can’t remember a thing. Sorry.

  The light now as I approached the game world wasn’t as bright as last time. As I emerged from the tunnel of darkness I stepped into the hallway of the inn. I went to the room I shared with Bob, but I didn’t open the door; the sounds coming from inside warned me against that idea.

  Bob was clearly working his magic with some lucky lady. Well maybe “lucky” is the wrong word. . . . Their voices pierced the door in a crude chorus. Bob was talking dirty. Worse, he was talking dirty in character. I’ll spare you the details.

  I waited. I knew I wouldn’t have to wait long; this was Bob we’re talking about. He didn’t disappoint me. I can’t say the same for the woman, who a minute later walked out of the room looking like she had paid to see a movie and the projector broke right before the climax.

  I went in to find Bob on the bed.

  “Didn’t your guide tell you about earning extra EP with women, Bob?”

  “Yep.”

  “Did it occur to you to try?”

  “Oh sure. I asked my guide if she wanted to let me earn some points. She slapped me.”

  “Well, can you—wait, that’s my bed!”

  “Yeah, my sheets had splooge on them still, so I used yours.”

  “Jesus Christ, Bob. . . .”

  “What? It’s an inn. You’re sharing your sheets no matter what.”

  “Well I’m certainly not going to sleep on those sheets until they get washed.” I stopped and looked at him. “Hey, you look good. And your beard has grown a lot.”

  “I leveled up to Six. I’m a fucking Warlock now.”

  “What? You were a Four when I left. That wasn’t even three days ago.”

  “Three days isn’t that long. It’s not like I took a break from the game.” He looked at me as if wondering why anyone would possibly want to leave the game even for a minute. He got out of bed and dressed, doing his best to make sure I noticed his new Level Sixer and his six-pack. “You want to hang out in Knarlsbro a while, or you want to hit the road?”

  “I wouldn’t mind moving on, but I really want to snag that magic sword.”

  “Well, there’s a new bounty out. Take a look.” He unrolled a parchment scroll.

  Wanted—Dead:

  Gene. Archer. Presumed Level 5 or 6. For thefts of food and gold, and murder of noobs.

  Reward of 300 gold pieces to be paid by the Merchant Guild of Knarlsbro on receipt of felon’s head.

  A picture accompanied the text, showing a guy with a pencil mustache and a black goatee.

  “This would be great if we could catch the guy, but I don’t want to get hit by an arrow. Especially not a magic one.”

  “Ah, but you see, I just bought the Scroll of Defense Against Projectiles.”

  “Oh.”

  “If I can distract the guy by acting as a target, you can sneak up on him and club him before he can get another arrow ready.”

  “Well that’s a good plan, but how are we supposed to—”

  A scream from outside cut me off. I flung open the shutter and looked down at the street. A woman fell to the ground with an arrow in her side, a pink sparkle announcing it was magic. A man ran up to the woman, but not to help: he snatched away her purse. His other hand gripped a longbow. His face matched the picture I still held in my hand. Because of course.

  “It’s him!”

  Bob and I bolted down the stairs of the inn and burst out into the street in time to see the outlaw dash down an alley. A warrior, chainmail over his tunic, drew his sword and started after the archer. A bolt of pink light shot out of the mouth of the alley and a magic arrow buried itself the warrior’s chest.

  Shit, I don’t have my breastplate anymore, I realized as I neared the alley. I saw the outlaw go right and I pointed the way for Bob.

  “Second one down,” I cried as we sprinted to outpace the archer. Bob overtook me, lighter and faster, and he almost reached the second alley as I headed down the first. When I got to the end I slowed and peaked around. I saw Bob in the distance, the archer between us. Bob waved his wand as if to attack, but I knew he would be working his defense spell. The archer drew an arrow, which quickly burned with a pink magic light. I began to run as quietly as I could toward the archer.

  The outlaw loosed his shaft. I saw a flash of blue and the arrow bounced off Bob, but he screamed in agony as if he’d been hit. Bob’s scream helped mask the sound of my feet kicking up dust as I dashed toward the archer. When Bob’s scream ended, the archer heard me and turned, already nocking a shaft, but before he could draw his cord I slammed the spikes of the morningstar into his skull.

  Bob got off the ground and dusted himself off, then checked his palm.

  “Nice work.”

  Neither of us had a knife, so we picked the whole outlaw off the ground and carried him out of the alley, leaving a trail of blood. We asked a merchant where the guild house was, but he was just passing through and couldn’t say. We asked an NPC, but apparently the old man was just for show, because he ignored us. Finally we dragged the body to a greengrocer and the merchant player told us where to go. Of course we had to drag the corpse all the way to the other end of the city, but once there we each got our share of the bounty—plus everything we stripped from the outlaw before we turned him in for the reward. In all, we each walked away with almost two hundred fifty gold coins and sixteen hundred Experience
points.

  Weighed down with gold, we gave each other a celebratory toe-bump outside the guild house, which elicited some smirks from a few presumably younger players. I overheard one of them say to his companion, “What is this, 2074?” They laughed and butted heads. Apparently things had changed since I died.

  I went straight to the weapon shop and bought that sword. Trading in my morningstar, I still had plenty of leftover gold after the purchase. I was pleasantly surprised to find my new weapon came preloaded with fifty Magic points. I already had ten from killing the archer. When I held it in my hands the first time it gave off a subtle violet glow.

  I couldn’t wait to use it. I seriously considered going after those guys who had mocked us for our old-fashioned toe-bump, but attacking a non-monster player risked more EP than it could gain.

  Bob said, “All right, Karl, let’s blow this town.”

  I stopped and stared a second before I realized he meant leave the city.

  “Oh, yeah—wait, let me deposit some extra gold at the bank first.”

  I lightened my pouch and then we were on our way. As we came to the north gate, a woman leaning seductively against the city wall smiled at Bob. She looked really good, a level-seven face at least.

  “Hey magic man . . . I’ll suck your dick for a hundred MP.”

  “Hell yeah, baby.” Bob was already lifting up his robe, the deep blue indicating his status as a Warlock. “Er, I mean: my wand thou shalt tasteth, Sorceress.”

  “Bob, I don’t think that’s a good idea. We don’t know what we’re going to encounter outside the gates.”

  “It’s fine. I’ve got one-fifty MP. By the time we encounter any monsters, it’ll be back up to a hundred, at least.” His Level Sixer was hard and ready.

  “But you don’t even have any extra lives. You should’ve bought a life instead of spending your money on that robe.”

  “I’m a Level Six, now Karl.” He looked meaningfully down between his legs as he said “Level Six” and then looked meaningfully at the slutty Sorceress. For a second I swore he was going to wink. “Gotta look the part.”