by L A Cotton
“You’re a good man, Cameron.” Dad squeezed my shoulder.
“Thanks.” Emotion clogged my throat, but it was nothing compared to the way my heart squeezed at how tight Xander clung to me as we made our way across the parking lot.
Hailee
“Is he asleep?” I asked.
“Yeah, finally.”
“Come here.” Crossing the room to Cameron, I pulled him into my arms. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Is it?” His voice cracked. “Because I’m not sure anymore.”
Xander had wanted to stay with us at the apartment, so we’d agreed he could. Karen and Clarke had watched on with a mix of dejection and relief as we left their car and made our way into the building. They were staying at a hotel two blocks over, but would join us for breakfast in the morning.
“Tell me what he said to you at the game.” Cameron stared down at me with so much pain, I wanted to take it from him.
“He asked if we were getting married...” I took a deep breath, knowing how greatly my next words would affect him., “and then he asked if he could move in with us.”
“Fuck, he said that?”
I nodded, giving him some space to digest things.
Cameron ran a hand over his head and cupped the back of his neck. “What am I supposed to do here?”
“You just keep doing what you’re doing. Xander knows you love him, Cameron. He knows your mom and dad love him. He’s just a little messed up right now, but he’ll grow out of it.”
“Will he?” Cam dropped down onto the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands. I sat beside him, offering my comfort if he needed it.
“You know, tonight, at the game, I wanted it. I wanted to go pro. I don’t know what happened. One minute, I was worrying about Xander and my parents and you, and the next, I was so wrapped up in the game...”
“Hey, don’t feel bad.” I cupped his face, forcing him to look at me. “You should never feel bad for wanting to follow your dreams, Cam. Ever.”
“I still can’t believe he said he wants to live with us.”
“It’s like he’s waiting for you to go home.”
“I know.”
“Do you want that?” I asked, unsure I wanted the answer. “To go back to Rixon?”
“I just want to help him.”
“Even if it costs you your dream?”
He let out a weary sigh. “You’re looking at me like it’s not only my dream I’m sacrificing.”
My stomach knotted. “So, you are considering giving everything up?” The words spilled out before I could stop them. “I’m sorry, that’s not fair.”
It was his brother. His kid brother who had almost lost his mom. I couldn’t resent that.
I wouldn’t.
Not when I’d pulled him away from them.
“I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all this better for you and Xander.”
“I know you do, and I love you for it.” Cameron reached for me, fisting the oversized Wolverines t-shirt and pulling me into his arms.
“We get through senior year and then I go home, at least until this stuff with Xander gets better. He needs me, Hailee. I can’t just turn my back on him. I can’t...” His eyes shuttered, torment etched into the lines of his handsome face. “But if you don’t want to follow me, I’ll understand. I know you have a better shot at following your dreams here or in Philly.”
“Stop.” I leaned in touching my head to his. “Where you go, I go.”
“Yeah?” Relief washed over him.
“Cameron, as if you need to ask.”
“It won’t be forever, I promise,” he breathed the words as if they were hard to say. “Just until he’s in a better place.”
“It’s okay. He needs you.”
“And I need you. I will always need you, Hailee. I hope you know that.” He stared at me with such intensity, I sucked in a sharp breath.
“I do.”
Cameron
“Can’t I stay another night?”
“We need to get home, sweetheart,” Mom reached for Xander, but he dodged her advance. The flash of hurt in her eyes gutted me.
“Xander, please, don’t make a scene. Cameron and Hailee need to—”
“Hey,” I said, finally making myself known. “Are you all set?”
“Yes,” my parents said at the same time as Xander grumbled, “No.”
“I think Hailee wanted some help, if you two want to—”
“Sure thing.” Dad squeezed my shoulder, guiding Mom away.
“Hey, squirt. What’s going on?” I sat down beside my brother.
“I don’t want to go back to Rixon.”
“No? But what about school? Your friends?”
“I know Mom and Dad call you and tell you everything, Cam.” He flicked his knowing eyes to mine.
“They’re worried. We all are.”
“It’s not like I try to make people hate me.” He shrugged.
“Nobody hates you, Xan.” God. He was seven. It was too young to harbor such negativity but here we were.
“Well, they don’t like me. Harry Jones and his friends all say I’m weird.”
“You are not weird.” A sense of protectiveness flooded me, and I wanted nothing more than to call Jase and Asher and ride down to Rixon and hunt down Harry Jones and teach the little punk a lesson or two.
“It’s okay, Cam. I know I’m not like most other kids.”
Fuck.
His words were so innocent, but there was so much conviction behind them that he might as well have punched his little fist into my chest and ripped out my heart.
“You’ve gotta tell me how I can fix this, Xander.”
He looked at me with big, sad eyes and said, “When are you coming home?”
“As soon as senior year is done, I’ll be back. It’s not long really, not when you take out the holidays and spring break.”
“And then I can come stay with you and Hailee?”
Jesus. This was really happening. My kid brother was choosing me over our parents.
“You can come and stay, yeah. Hailee told me the two of you talked about it?”
“She didn’t really give me an answer.”
“You’ll always be welcome to stay over, Xan, you know that. But Mom and Dad would be really upset if you didn’t want to live with them anymore.”
“But I want to live with you.” He twisted his hands in his lap.
I wanted to ask him why, to make him tell me why he felt this way, but I knew he didn’t have the answers. If he did, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.
“Xan, look at me.” I slid my fingers under his chin and tilted his face to mine. “Do you have any idea how much we all love you?” His lip quivered. “Mom and Dad would do anything to make you happy, but you need to talk to them, buddy. They can’t help if they don’t know what’s wrong.”
Silent tears began rolling down his cheeks and he wrapped his arms around me, burying his face into my chest. “I don’t want anyone to leave me, not again,” he murmured against my sweater.
“Seven months, Xan,” I said, rubbing his back. “Seven months and I’ll be home.” But as I said the words, I already knew I’d be looking at my schedule to see where I could make more trips back to Rixon. I couldn’t ignore this, not anymore. Something was going on with Xander, something huge, and he needed me.
“Hey, you don’t call, you never write,” Asher chuckled. “I’m beginning to think you don’t love me anymore.”
“I texted you just the other day.”
“Text smext. I need to hear your voice.”
“I’m hanging up—”
“Relax, I’m just busting your balls. What’s up?”
“I need to cancel guys weekend.”
“What?” he gasped. “No way!”
We’d arranged a weekend away since we all had the same bye week. It never happened, so we’d planned on making the most of it.
“I’m going home, I need to—”
“Xander?”
“Yeah. He needs me.”
“So, we’ll all go,” he said, as if it was the simplest answer.
“But we have the tickets.” We were going to catch an Eagles game. Jase’s dad had some old friends in high places and they’d managed to get us VIP passes.
“Xander is more important. We can take him to a Rixon Raiders game and boost his cool-o-meter. The girls will be lining up for a chance with the Xan-man.”
“Ash, he’s seven.” I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Nothing wrong with starting early.”
“I can’t believe they gave you your foster license.” He and Mya had been approved over the summer. They didn’t plan to become active foster parents until after graduation, but they had wanted to be prepared.
“What? The kids love me.” He chuckled. “But seriously, me and Jase can come with you. Xander will love it. We’ll be like the four amigos causing chaos. Just like old times.”
“I appreciate it, Ash, I do, but...”
“You need some bro time?”
“Yeah, I think we do. He’s got this crazy idea into his head that he wants to live with me and Hailee when we move back to Rixon.”
“Hold up.” I heard the surprise in his voice. “You made the decision?”
“Yeah, I think so. He’s getting worse. My mom and dad don’t know what to do with him anymore. Things will be easier if I’m around.”
“I get it, I do, and I hope you don’t think I’m talking out of line here, but do you think that’s the right move?”
“What do you mean?” My brows bunched together.
“Xander is already incredibly attached to you. If you go back, it might only compound that. He needs to deal with whatever it is going on in his head. The counselor should be able to help.”
Xander had recently started sessions with a new therapist. But he was resistant, unable to articulate why he felt the way he felt.
“How are your mom and dad holding up?”
“It’s taking its toll. Mom isn’t sleeping and my dad just throws himself into work and then feels guilty.”
“That’s rough. I’m sorry, Cam. If there’s anything we can do...”
“Thank you. I’m hoping if I’m around more, he’ll settle down at school. I made him a calendar of every weekend I’ll be home.”
It had been Hailee’s idea. We’d printed it out and it doubled as a countdown until graduation. Mom had helped Xander pin it on his wall beside his bed, and every morning, he crossed off another day.
I couldn’t get back to Rixon every weekend, not with games, but I’d managed to work it so I could go home at least once a month. Then there were longer holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It was a lot to juggle but I needed to make it work.
“So if you’re planning on returning to Rixon after graduation,” his voice sobered, “what does that mean for the draft?”
“I haven’t gotten that far yet.”
Xander needed me now. He needed to know I planned on being around more. Everything else had to take a backseat for now.
“I get it. I’m here, whatever you or your family needs.”
We chatted for a little bit longer. I asked about Mya and we talked about Hailee’s latest installation at an independent gallery in the city. By the time we hung up, I felt lighter.
Talking to my best friends had that effect on me. We’d been through so much together. It felt good knowing that they always had my back, no matter what.
Over three years apart, but we were stronger than ever.
Brothers bound by choice not blood.
Family.
And I wouldn’t change them for the world.
Hailee
Senior year wasn’t quite what I expected. I thought Cameron and I would enjoy our last year of college, that I would flourish with my art and he would carve out a name for himself among NFL scouts.
The reality was quite a bit different.
After that first game, when his parents and Xander had visited, Cameron began splitting his time between Michigan and Rixon as much as he could.
Sometimes I went with him, but most of the time, I didn’t. I had classes, friends, various installations across the city.
I had a life... here.
But more and more, his life became back in Rixon.
I watched him pack his weekend bag with a tightness across my chest. It was the third time this month.
“I thought you were going to try to stick to the schedule,” I said.
“I was.” He leaned down and kissed my hair. “But Xander has been doing better. I don’t want to ruin all his progress.”
“But what about classes Monday?”
“I spoke to Professor Joffrey. As long as I get a copy of the notes and submit my essay on time, he’s happy to excuse me.”
“And practice?” The team were on a winning streak, and Coach Byford was determined for them to go all the way to playoffs.
“I’ll be back. I told Xan it’s a fly-by visit. If I leave tonight—”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah, I thought I told you that was the plan?” Cam stuffed another t-shirt in his bag.
“We just got home, it’s late.” Not to mention the fact he’d just played a football game. “You can leave in the morning. You’ll be there tomorrow night and then you can have all day Sunday together.”
“I promised him I’d take him to the park.”
“You can’t go to the park Sunday?”
“Hailee...” Cam paused what he was doing and lifted his eyes to mine. “I need to do this.”
“I know. I just don’t like the idea of you driving through the night after a game.”
“I’ll be careful, I promise. I’ll stop halfway and get some rest.”
My lips pursed. I didn’t like the sound of that any better.
“What?” he asked.
“I just worry you’re pushing yourself too hard. I know you want to help Xander, but you can’t be everything to everyone, Cam. Something has to give eventually.”
And the way we were headed, I was starting to wonder if it was me.
If I was the thing to give.
Between practice, classes, and going back and forth to Rixon, Cameron was barely here anymore. Yet, I couldn’t say anything, because if I did, it made me a terrible person.
So I stuffed down my reservations, put on a smile, and played my role as supportive, understanding girlfriend.
And it was slowly breaking my heart.
“It isn’t forever. The holidays will be here soon enough, and then once it’s the new year, and he knows there are only a few months before graduation, I think it’ll be easier.”
Cameron was in too deep to see that he was feeding Xander’s attachment issues. I knew Asher had tried to talk to him about it; Mya had told me the last time we spoke. But again, I didn’t feel able to say anything because Xander was his brother. His baby brother. And after what they went through almost losing their mom... I couldn’t criticize his choices.
Even if I didn’t fully understand them.
“I think I’m done.” He zipped the bag and stood, running a hand through his damp hair. “I’ll see you Monday, okay?”
I nodded, a rush of emotion clawing up my throat.
“Please be safe, and call me when you stop, no matter the time.”
“I’ll text. You need to get some sleep.”
Like that would come easy knowing Cameron was on the road in the middle of the night, running on nothing but adrenaline and energy drinks.
“I will.” He slid his hand along my jaw and tipped my head back, grazing his lips over mine. “I love you, Hailee.”
“I love you too.”
I went to deepen the kiss, but Cameron had already pulled away, slinging his bag over his shoulder and making for the door.
While I stood there watching as he took another piece of my heart with him.
I woke to the sound of m
y cell phone blaring. A smile tugged at my lips at the prospect of speaking to Cameron, but when I saw Felicity’s name, disappointment snaked through me.
“Hey,” I said, around a yawn.
“Did I wake you?”
“I must have fallen asleep.”
“Late night?”
“I barely slept. Cameron drove back to Rixon through the night and I couldn’t settle.”
“I thought he was going this morning?”
“Me too,” I said, my chest tightening.
“He’s going home a lot, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess...” I trailed off, unsure of what she wanted me to say.
Everyone knew Cameron was going back and forth. It wasn’t some big secret. But it did make me wonder what our friends were saying about it.
“Has Jason said anything?”
“Like what?” Felicity asked.
“I don’t know... ignore me.”
“Hailee, did something happen?”
“No... yes...” I released a weary sigh. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” she said, “start from the beginning.”
So I did. I told her how Cameron and I made the calendar for Xander, how it was supposed to help him count off the days until he saw his brother. I told her how the visits were becoming more and more regular, and the time we spent together was becoming less and less. I even told her how we’d barely been intimate lately.
“What, like no sex, at all?”
“We’ve fooled around a little, but no, no sex.”
“God, Hails, how are you functioning right now? I can’t go more than a couple of days.”
“It’s not by choice, trust me.”
Cameron was always too tired or too wound up to get into it, so I’d stopped trying.
“I feel like we’re drifting apart, and I don’t know what to do about it. And I hate myself for even thinking it because it’s Xander. Of course Cameron should be there for him.”
“Well, yeah. But you’re important too, babe. He shouldn’t be neglecting your relationship either.”
“How do I say anything without coming across as a selfish, horrible person though?”
“I’m thinking it's less about saying anything and more about finding the spark again.”