by SM Olivier
“Why are you sorry?” she sobbed. “That scum threatened you. He forced Crew back to him. He cut you, Peyton!”
I heard the rumble of the motorbikes starting up and kept one eye on the retreating filth and one eye on Renee. I wanted to flip Butch off as he looked back over his shoulder and barely refrained from doing so. I was so tired of these pricks trying to prey on me.
“Crew made his choice,” I continued as I forced the words past my lips, words that tasted like ash against my tongue. I wanted to believe Crew had a reason for returning to his father's side. However, no viable reason sprang to mind. Something—or someone—had convinced him that working for his father was the best option for his future.
“Butch can threaten me all he wants. I won’t ‘come to heel.’ I’m not his bitch,” I persisted with a hiss.
My anger had returned in full force. I preferred it to the crippling anxiety that nowadays haunted me when my back was pushed up against the wall. Anger was something I could manage; it took me a little longer to control my anxiety.
“He only nicked me,” I said. “I’ve had worse done to me.” I removed the buff-colored scarf wrapped around my throat and pressed it against my new wound.
It still burned, but the knife was so sharp that it seemed to have only sliced the top layer of my skin off. There wasn’t as much blood on my scarf as I thought there would be.
It was the first time I’d willingly displayed my scars outside of our family unit. I was still horribly conscious of them, even though the electronic collar prong marks were faint circular scars that now resembled snake bikes. The “burn” mark from the collar itself almost blended in entirely with the natural creases of my neck. I knew I would have to gather my courage not to wear clothing pieces to cover them up soon.
I needed to start owning my scars. We all had them. Some of us just carried them on the outside. I needed to stop seeing them as oppressive marks of my captivity and start embracing them as merit badges of a survivor.
I recognized this was a pivotal moment in my recovery. I always loved the symbolism of the mythical phoenix. I loved how they combusted into flames at their death. It had to be painful, right? Yet they rose from the ashes and continued to live again. Some believed this process occurred more than once. Hadn’t I been burned numerous times? Each time I got back up. It was time I rose from the ashes.
“Is that what you’re so self-conscious of?” Renee asked in a somewhat bewildered tone as she inspected the marks and my new wound.
“It was so ugly when I first returned,” I admitted. “I think in my head I still imagine them just as grisly looking. I know when I look in the mirror now, it’s not terribly noticeable, but I think these scarves and my mock turtle-necks have become a security blanket of sorts.”
The driver's door opens once more, and we both tense for a moment. We both relax when we realize it’s Sal.
“Sorry, they aren’t properly staffed today, and the guys ordered enough food to feed an army,” he chuckled then paused. “Everything, okay?” Sal asked in bewilderment, realizing I’m not in the passenger seat.
He noticed me hastily throwing my scarf back on and detected Renee’s tear-stained face. I straightened and looked out the windows. Observed from this angle, he wouldn’t have seen our visitors arrive. I couldn’t tell him about them. He would never leave my side ever again, and he would definitely feel guilty for letting his guard down.
I really liked Sal, and I truly believed he was terrific at his job. I also knew he would go into hyper-vigilant mode again, and I couldn’t have that. I needed to learn to take care of myself again. I couldn’t have a Shadow for the rest of my life.
“Kyler’s−” Renee began, but I quickly squeezed her hand tightly and cut her off.
“…going to be so jelly that we got Chinese,” I said with a shrug. “We might have to pick it up again on the way home one night this week.”
Sal didn't look like he was buying my explanation as he narrowed his eyes on me. He must have realized I wouldn’t crack, so he looked at Renee. She gave me a look, but I tried to convey to her that I didn’t want him to know what had happened. Hopefully, she’d understand.
“Onward, Jeeves,” I joked trying to break the tension in the vehicle.
“Renee, is there something you’re not telling me?” he used his stern Dad voice again.
Renee looked at me again, sighed, then turned her head away. “No, Dad. I was just having a mini breakdown thinking about my mom. I’m okay now.” She shrugged, staring down at her fingers.
I hated that I made her lie, but I hoped she realized eventually why I did it.
She looked up seconds later. “So. You never confirmed or denied your man-crush on Tobias, Sal.”
I barked out a surprised laugh as Sal quickly turned and started the car. He shook his head, muttering something like “Crazy chicks” under his breath.
“Nah,” I chirped. “It’s totally Grady. You should have seen his reaction when Grady handed him his coffee. I thought he was going to jizz right there.”
“Peyton Delaney!” Sal barked. “Does your Grandpa know you talk like that?”
I let out a dramatic sigh, trying to dispel the unease in my chest. I needed to entertain myself with something other than my dark thoughts. I was great at deflecting and processing stuff at my own rate. Right now, I needed the distraction.
“Sal, it’s not like he’ll reprimand me for it.” For a moment, I embraced the belligerent teen role. “It’s not like he raised me. I know you’re not a dumb man. I’m sure you did your research. My sperm donor didn’t verify if my mother terminated me or not. My grandpa only just found out about me. And the man that I thought was my father despised my very existence and let me know it on a daily basis.
“I didn’t know why. Now that I’m aware of my true parentage, I understand why Sean either pretended like I didn’t exist or used me to take out his frustrations on. I was his daily reminder. I was his brother's image, and he could not knock my mom up with his perfect donation. It was just further proof of all his inadequacies. He was a failure at life, and by public standards, his brother was the golden child. Now stop deflecting and admit it’s Grady. It is! Isn’t it?” I needled him.
He seemed momentarily angry on my behalf over my words but then seemed to understand I didn’t want to discuss the previous subject further.
“If, if,” he enunciated, “I was into men, yeah, Grady would be my choice. He’s the most talented member of the band. Not that it’s general knowledge, but he actually formed their band. He knows and proficiently plays all the instruments. Plus, the songs I enjoy the most so happen to be written by him.”
I leaned back and laughed, crossing my arms over my chest. “I can see that. I did my own research, too. I have to admit I like the fact that I respect Grady the most. He may be a manwhore like the others, but it's not public knowledge. He’s smarter about his private life.”
“They were manwhores,” Renee chimed in. “Rumor has it that some woman has been seen with them. Supposedly, they aren’t taking groupies back to the bus or their rooms. And they seem super protective of her identity.”
“Hmm,” I pondered aloud. “I wonder if it’s the same woman Laken and Ayden was talking about. Apparently, Clementine broke into Laken and Ayden’s room and told their girlfriend that they invited her back. It pissed them off, but they had no proof that someone hadn’t set Clementine up. From their past, I wouldn’t think they would care unless this woman does mean something to them.”
I didn’t know if our discussion violated my NDA, but I didn’t think it did. Besides, it wasn’t like Renee or Sal would tell anyone about our conversation.
Sal snorted from the front seat, and I looked at him with a questioning look.
“What’s that snort mean?”
“Nothing,” he quickly answered.
I had a feeling he was going to shoot down my idea of one woman being able to capture and hold the attention of two men. He saw my relat
ionship with the guys, and I’m sure he had his doubts about us. Hell, he had proof, just by Crew’s defection alone. However, I was starting to have faith in the others. Even if it crashed and burned or ran its course, I knew what we felt for each other right now was real. That was enough for me.
Relationships started and ended every day for regular couples. Because we were unconventional, though, it didn’t doom us to failure.
“Salvatore,” I said in my best stern voice as we pulled up to the school. “Speak freely. I won’t be hurt by your opinion or take it personally. I would hope you saw me more than just your charge or client by now.”
He shook his head. “Look, Peyton, I feel like you are more than my client, so I’ll be real with you. The situation you have with your guys isn’t…”
“Normal,” Renee blurted out.
I gave her an incredulous look. I never thought she doubted us. I thought she was one of our greatest supporters.
“However, Sal,” she continued with a smug grin, “I suggest you look at polyamorous or polyandry relationships. People make it work every day. Did you know that polyandry is practiced in other cultures? Just because it’s not largely recognized here doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t work. We could fall in love more than once in our lifetime. Why not at the same time?”
“It’s not that,” Sal explained with a wary look my way as he parked the car. “I see how you guys are, and I see the love you have for each other. I don’t doubt it may work. However…” he seemed momentarily lost for words.
“Laken and Ayden are famous,” I surmised. “You think they couldn’t be interested in the same woman because they constantly have women throwing themselves at them. That isn’t fair.”
“It’s not fair, but it’s true,” Renee said with a nonchalant shrug as we walked up to the school.
I mock-gasped at her. “Are you Team Sal now? I thought you were Team Peyton!”
“I’m Switzerland.” She laughed with a shake of her head as we entered the school.
“You have to pick a team,” I insisted.
“I’m team Peyton,” Paxton crowed moments before he threw his arm over my shoulders.
I had been so into our conversation I hadn’t realized we made it just in time for lunch. The halls were packed. Suddenly, my earlier resolve seemed shaken. It was easier to make pacts to yourself when faced with just one adversary.
It was harder to maintain that fortitude when I noticed Leah’s death glare and her determination to get to me. Plus, I was immediately faced with Crew leaning against his locker with Jana draped all over him. He wasn’t touching her, but he wasn’t making a move to get away from her either.
Both of them seemed to notice my attention at once and looked my way. Crew’s face was impassive, while Jana looked like the cat that ate the canary. Without breaking eye contact, she weaved her hands through his hair and yanked his face down to hers.
I quickly turned my head away. I refused to witness a part of my world shattering.
Was it possible to hear your heart shatter? I was pretty sure mine just did. I never experienced actual heartbreak until that moment. The best way I could explain it was feeling like being pushed over the edge from a great height, then free-falling with no harness to catch you. Emotions you rarely experienced together crashed into you at once, leaving you breathless, and the tears you were unaware were falling threatened to overflow like a waterfall.
I had pushed my feelings back for too long. I assumed I could handle all the scenarios I had concocted in my head. I thought finding out about Golden and Madison was devastating, something which I thought now would prepare me for this feeling, make it easier to process.
The significant difference between the heartbreaks was Golden had been immediately repentant and hadn’t been an active participant. However, not only had he ignored me, Crew appeared to be an active participant with the girl who shoved me into a dark closet, violated me, and caused a massive panic attack. His betrayal was on multiple levels, coming out of nowhere.
I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. I wasn’t.
Golden must have seen my look of heartbreak. He was across the hallway before I could stop him.
He none-to-gently pulled Crew away from Jana, then faced Crew. “How could you?” he snarled, grabbing Crew by the lapels of his jacket and slamming him against the wall. “How can you leave Peyton for that whore? Did you forget what she did to you?”
With nearly every word he spoke, he punctuated each with a shove to Crew against the wall. Crew continued to look at him impassively.
Jana crossed her arms over her chest and smiled at me. “I told you he would return to me.”
I felt Paxton pull me into an embrace as Sal and Zane attempted to pull Golden away. We were drawing too much attention. There was now a circle of people around us and some immature assholes were even beginning to chant: “Fight! Fight!”
“I’m not with her,” Crew said calmly, still not attempting to break Golden’s hold or defend himself in any way. It didn’t even register that Crew could easily pull away from Golden.
Crew looked over at me, and something akin to self-loathing and determination sparkled in his eyes. It was all so damn confusing! I felt a panic attack begin to set in. It was all too much. First, I’d been attacked by his dad and now I had to deal with this betrayal.
“Crew−” Jana began.
“Shut up,” he snarled cutting her off. “You know the deal,” he hissed.
“What deal? Why are you letting her touch you then?” Golden scoffed, now in Sal’s and Zane’s hold. “You know what happened the last time you played this game. You were one of the first ones to tell me how much I messed up with Peyton, and now you’re doing it?”
Teachers were drawing closer and demanding that people move away. Bodies pressed against me as claustrophobia threatened to choke me. Then the fire alarms began to blare overhead and the lights began to flicker on and off. It was too much. My senses were on overload. I felt my vision blur and my chest ached as the panic attack was triggered once more.
“Get me out of here,” I gasped before the world turned dark.
28
●
Epidemic
I was disorientated and groggy when I came-to. It took me a moment to realize I was lying in my bed on a man’s chest, and someone else spooned me from behind. When I went to shift my leg, I realized someone else was lying on both legs. For a moment, I felt my throat closing in a panic until I felt gentle fingers run through my hair, dragging them over my scalp.
I turned startled eyes on Golden, and he gave me a gentle smile.
“What happened?” I rasped through my thick throat.
“You had a panic attack and passed out,” Kyler said from a chair in the corner of my room.
I started for a moment. I hadn’t even seen Kyler there. And why was I in my room? My curtains were drawn, so I didn’t even know what time it was.
I gathered my thoughts and surroundings and realized it was Paxton who was sleeping soundly on my legs, his head cradled on my stomach. Zane shifted in front of me to place a hand on my cheek, and Golden continued his amazing caresses through my hair and over my scalp.
I recalled now why I had my panic attack. I stiffened again. Crew broke my heart. He decided to leave me for money, his father, and that bitch, Jana. After Jana did him dirty, I never thought he would ever go back to her.
I noticed that my eyes felt puffy, like I had been crying. There was an emptiness in my chest that made me wonder if, in my panic-induced state, I had completely lost it back at school. I just prayed Jana and Crew hadn’t witnessed it. I didn’t want to give Jana the satisfaction of seeing my tears, and Crew didn’t deserve them.
“I think it’s been a long few days,” I said aloud, looking for an explanation. “I think my emotions were already stretched thin.”
I felt Paxton stir and noticed he was awake now. He turned and placed a gentle kiss on my stomach before laying his head bac
k down. He gently traced circular patterns on my stomach, and I felt my nerves quiver with how sensitive my skin was there.
“If you need to take a few steps back, no one will blame you,” Kyler gruffly said as he leaned forward in the chair, bracing his forearms across his knees. “I know you want to be in that music video, and I’m aware Anya is still pushing you. Maybe you shouldn’t have so much on your plate right now. However, I know it’s more than that. I know Crew is hurting you. You need to talk about it, Peyton.”
“I’m not quitting the video,” I said softly. “I’m also not taking on more than what I’ve done in the past. I used to have dance, school, competitions, and a job. I’m not carrying a job any longer. And what is there to talk about?” I tried to clear my throat of the thick heaviness in it. “He’s running for your dad and back with Jana. It was bound to happen with one of you, if not all of you,” I said with a touch of bitterness.
“Hey,” Golden crossly stated. “That’s not fair. Most of us have already made it clear we’re with you for the long haul. You are the one we want. Sure, seeing Crew with that…bitch pissed me off. But once I cooled off, I got to thinkin’: there’s more to the story than we know. I honestly don’t think Crew could hurt you like that. So, yeah, Crew may be hanging around Jana, but they’re not back together.”
“I also think there’s more to the story than we know,” Paxton softly chimed in “Crew may be hanging around Jana, but they’re not back together.”
“I saw them,” I hissed as Zane handed me a glass of water.
“You heard Jana tell you they were back together, but I know Crew wants nothing to do with her,” Paxton explained. “You should have seen how panicked he was when he saw you collapse. That’s not a reaction from a man that doesn’t have feelings for you,” he insisted. “We’re all in one class or another with him. I’ve been watching him and… something’s going on. Something he doesn’t want to tell us about. Yet.”
I unconsciously rubbed the cut over my throat. “Crew’s been ghosting us all. He’s texted me back once since he decided to pull this disappearing act. Maybe he isn’t with Jana, but he’s definitely back with Butch. I know Crew used to be her muscle when she did her drops. He’s been lured back into that life.”