Not Another Lonely Christmas

by Ellie R. Hunter

  “I have to admit, today wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

  “I’m glad, Remi.”

  I drop my eyes to my hands as I twiddle my keys from finger to finger just so I don’t have to look him in the eye. A car driving by breaks the silence that hangs around us and when I brave it and look up at him, it’s different between us.

  “You’ll have to let me know how the date with the Connor dude goes. In fact, you need my number.”

  He holds out his hand and I pass my phone over to him.

  He types away and within a minute, he locks the screen and moves closer, sliding it back into my coat pocket.

  “Goodnight, Remi.”

  “Goodnight, Jasper.”

  He leans in and presses his warm lips against my chilled cheek and I swear, I’m on fire. He pulls away and walks up the street. I stand on the steps until he turns the corner and I blow out a heavy breath. Where did this man come from? All these years I’ve been chasing something I’ve never quite understood clearly and now Jasper is making it all fall into place. Inside, I’m grateful for central heating and unwind my scarf as I let myself in my door.

  Leaning against the wood once I’m inside my room, I unzip my coat and growl to myself. I should have left Jasper as the one-night stand he’s setting out to be, I know myself well enough to know I can’t be friends with him, not when my feelings for him are making me this needy and are growing by the day.

  Shrugging out of my coat, my phone beeps and I dig it out to find a text from Jasper.

  ‘Thank you for today, friend.’

  I go to write a reply when another message comes through.

  ‘My favourite friend.’

  Confusion is too less of a description of how I feel right this moment. He was the one who wanted to be friends, but I’m not sure I’m certain I can’t be his friend. Turning my phone off, I don’t reply to him and fall onto my bed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I woke up to a message from Casey wanting to meet up in the café by the salon. I’m not a minute late when I walk in and see her already seated at the back-corner table.

  “What’s got you up this early?”

  She opens her coat and her school blazer answers for her.

  “Oh right, of course.”

  I order a coffee and join her, all the while her not saying a word. The longest I can get her to be quiet is when I’m trimming her fringe and even then, she struggles.

  “Is everything okay? Has anything happened?”

  My stomach is dropping, and sickness is rising with every second of silence.

  “Why did you become my friend?” she finally says, and I notice her eyes are red.

  “Why have you been crying?”

  “Answer me, why are you my friend?”

  Her voice is rising and her cheeks flush with anger.

  “I’m your friend because you’re worth knowing, you’re funny and I like you.”

  “It wasn’t because you felt sorry for me because you knew exactly what it felt like to be discarded by every member of your so-called family?”

  Her bite is sharp, and it stings that my eyes water and match hers.

  “I admit, I was drawn to you because I knew what it was like to be in care, but I’ve always been your friend because I wanted to be. I promise you that, Casey.”

  My coffee arrives and without thinking, Casey nudges the sugar pot across the table and I smile softly.

  “I take it you saw the interview on Hot Today?”

  She huffs and refuses to make eye contact with me.

  “You’ve lied to me for so long.”

  “I never lied about it, I didn’t tell you, there’s a difference.”

  Her exaggerated eye roll does not go unnoticed and I add plenty of milk before taking a much-needed sip.

  “Why, Remi? Why didn’t you tell me? There could have been so much more to our friendship. I would have taken so much more from your advice if I knew you actually knew what you were talking about, and the extravagant birthday and Christmas vouchers, I get it now, you know what it’s like to have no one care what day of the year it is.”

  A tear falls, and I lean across and swipe it away.

  “I’m sorry but that part of my life is way in the past. It’s a time I don’t like to talk about and I never told you about it because it’s a rare moment when I let myself think about it. The pain those days brought me and the reasons I was there in the first place-” Inhaling deeply, I push on. “-It hurts so bad I don’t know how I would climb out of my pity hole if I fell. We all have our stories, Casey, and they all hurt. You know better than anyone that you’re not in the system because you’re wanted.”

  No deep breathing is helping and my own mental images of my dad swinging from the stair banister floods my vision. The words in his letter choke me even though I’m not reading his fucking letter.

  “If I talk about it, it means I’m thinking about it, and if I’m thinking about it, it makes me angry and that too, hurts.”

  “It’s okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have got moody with you, I know you would have had your own pain. I just wish you had told me.”

  “Would it have changed anything? I would have been your friend wherever I came from.”

  “I suppose not.”

  Reaching across the table, I hold onto her hand and give it a little squeeze.

  “I wasn’t going to ever tell you this but when you were eleven, I tried to adopt you, well, I enquired and spoke to your social worker. There were many factors why I couldn’t, but never believe anything but how much I care for you.”

  “Are you serious? You did that for me?”

  “Damn right I did, and while I can’t have you living with me, I can do what I can to help you out and while I’m around, I will be here for you. Always.”

  Nodding her head, another tear falls but she gets to it first and wipes it away.

  “I wish you were my family.”

  “I am, and you’re mine. Blood is apparently thicker than water, but chosen family is fiercer and much more special.”

  “Agreed,” she smiles, and I exhale. “Now, tell me what’s going on with these dates.”

  And like that, our friendship is back to normal and our bond is tighter than ever. One day I’ll tell her more, but for today, all she needs to know is I’m not going anywhere, and it doesn’t matter where we come from, it’s all about where we’re going, and she’s going nowhere alone.

  The grass is wet, and I’ve nearly slipped over twice thanks to my new boots. We’ve been walking around for the last ten minutes and the place is empty.

  “Are you sure we’re in the right place?” Gabriella asks and Michael grunts.

  Why, I don’t know. I’m assuming he and Gabriella have had some sort of argument since he’s been like this from the second they picked me up.

  “This is where he said to come,” I murmur, taking another look around the park.

  I haven’t been here at this time of the night before and Gabriella is convinced the guy is going to try and murder me and throw my lifeless body in the manmade lake that is like, two feet deep.

  “Maybe he backed out and forgot to let you know?” she offers.

  “Or he’s watching from a tree and is going to follow you home,” Michael adds.

  “Seriously, if you two can’t be positive then you can go home.”

  The darkness, although I won’t ever admit to my friends, is starting to freak me out. Connor hasn’t been the chattiest guy in messenger, but I thought he was polite and would at least have the decency to let me know if he has had a change of heart.

  “We should go,” I finally relent, crossing my arms over my chest to keep warm.

  All three of us turn when in the distance, a figure comes walking towards us.

  “See, here he is, he was just running late,” I smirk at them both and Gabriella mutters something under her breath.

  The closer he gets, I promise him without making a sound that I’m
going to give him one hundred per cent of my attention, I’m not going to think of Jasper and wonder what he’s up to now. I’m not going to let my mind wonder where he is, who he is with, and I’m certainly not going to wonder why he wanted me on this date.

  “You alright? I’m Connor,” he greets us and shakes all our hands.

  He’s formal and stiff. I put it down to nerves and that we’re not alone like a conventional date. I struggle to keep up when he spins on his heel and starts walking in the direction he came from.

  Gabriella and Michael keep up behind us and I come to a stark stop when the trees light up.

  All around us, the trees are covered in tea lights and they twinkle like stars in the sky.

  For the first time during these dates I’ve been on, this is the first time my breath has been stolen.

  “It’s beautiful, Connor,” I murmur, slowly turning around to take it all in.

  In the middle of two trees where the lights hang haphazardly overhead, is a table dressed in white linen. A single candle sits in the middle between two sets of plates and cutlery.

  It’s not your average picnic but I don’t care. He pulls out a chair, and I gladly sit, excited to see what happens next. For once, my heart is racing in anticipation mixed with excitement.

  “I just need two minutes to go and get the food, I didn’t want to leave it out here unattended with the foxes around.”

  “Okay,” I drag out, looking around for said foxes as he jogs off.

  “Don’t worry, Rem, foxes won’t come near you,” Michael calls out and I don’t know if I believe him or not. The nasty little fuckers. Also, I didn’t realise how close Michael and Gabriella were.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket and I can’t help myself. I pull it out and it’s a message from Jasper.

  ‘How’s it going?’

  He’s got some big balls messaging me knowing I’m on a date right now.

  ‘Great, I think he is the one. It’s beautiful out here. Thank you for choosing him. You’re a great friend.’

  I hit send and I don’t know yet if I’ll live to regret it. At this moment, I don’t.

  Shoving the phone back in my pocket, Connor reappears with a tray covered in foil and he places it on the edge of the table.

  “I weren’t sure what you liked and what you didn’t, so I went for a cheese platter and wine.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I smile and again, he relaxes.

  He faffs around with the food and pours us a drink, I use the time to glance over him without him staring back at me. His light hair is swept back neatly, and his sides are shaved short. His frame isn’t big, not that I can see well what’s hidden under his coat, but I like his style. His dark jeans are stuffed into his boots and it reminds me of Jasper. Shit. I’m not thinking about him.

  “How am I doing so far?” he asks, taking a seat opposite me.

  “I have no complaints. How long did it take you to do all this?”

  “Not long, I had help from a friend,” he winks, and I cringe.

  Winking doesn’t suit him, and I drain my wine. My phone vibrates again, and I ignore it.

  “Do you like cheese?” he asks, helping himself to the platter.

  “Sure, as long as it isn’t the really smelly kind.”

  I sip my wine and it’s nice and smooth. This date is turning out to be the best yet and I keep my fingers figurately crossed it continues and he doesn’t wink again.

  “So, was this all your idea? The lights and the wine?”

  “Yes, there’s something about being out under the night’s sky I think is romantic. Later, I will point out the…”

  “Connor! What the hell?”

  I turn in my chair and I’m nearly knocked over when Michael is stepping in front of me.

  “Who the hell are you?” he bellows at the uninvited screaming woman.

  “I’m Connor’s girlfriend,” she screams and launches herself at her man.

  “Babe, come on,” Connor grates out through gritted teeth.

  “Is this true?” I ask, pushing around Michael.

  The so-called girlfriend turns on me and the sneer plastered all over her face has me getting up from my chair and stepping back.

  “This is the same stunt he did for me after I told him I was pregnant with his child.”

  Oh god.

  He has a girlfriend and a kid.

  He has a family.

  This is too much.

  Tugging on Michael’s coat, we side step ourselves out of there until we’re with Gabriella and I stare into the camera.

  “He’s a cheating bastard, this date is done.”

  Gab’s turns the thing off and chucks it in her bag. I know she’s dying to get online and post it, and sit reading the comments, but I just want to be home.

  We can still hear the girlfriend screaming at Connor on the other side of the park when we get to Michael’s car and I climb in the back, shutting them both out. Once we’re all inside, I don’t know what to say to that, and judging by the silence, nor do they.

  After a minute, Michael starts the car and we’re pulling away from the park. I check my messages, remembering Jasper replied and it makes me sad when I’m very happy to see his name on my screen.

  ‘He’s a lucky guy.’

  Oh my god. He makes me want to scream. He can’t be serious. No one says a word all the way to my building and I climb out and walk around to the passenger side where Gab’s winds down the window.

  “You can post the video, and then I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Remi,” she frowns.

  “I’ll speak to you tomorrow, Gabs.” I head up the steps and shove the key in the lock. “And thanks for your help, Michael,” I yell down to him as they still wait for me to go inside.

  He nods once and drives off when I let myself in. In the main hall, I slide down to the carpet and let the tears fall.

  I just wanted some genuine romance. Not people making fun of me in a song, not sleazy guys wanting to prove their own worth or chasing old girlfriends and I certainly didn’t want people cheating on their partners to woo me into handing over twenty thousand pounds.

  I said to make it genuine, but surely there are limits. A girlfriend and a family are certainly a fucking limit.

  Chapter Seventeen

  If I could calculate how many hours I spend in bed, I could be a sleeping marvel. My days off are usually spent like this and I don’t regret a thing. My soul is darkening after my last date and late last night, I wrote a post letting everyone know I wasn’t going to be going on anymore dates.

  I reach for my laptop from the bottom of the bed and log onto Flipped. Ignoring the notifications, I scroll through the home page and slow down. I’ve been tagged in so many photos and videos, it’s all I see as I carry on scrolling.

  A woman on a plane catches my eye, and I press play.

  “This is for you, Tilly. I love youuuuuu,” the woman screams, and the plane does a flip with her hooked up to the front of the thing.

  Oh my god. I sit up and watch it from the beginning. Is this her act of romance?

  “I have a surprise for you,” the woman from the plane says to who I imagine is Tilly.

  Tilly is blindfolded, sitting in the back of a car and then is being helped by someone whose face is never shown on the camera.

  The plane woman takes over and whoever is filming follows them over to a hanger.

  “Tell me what’s going on,” Tilly laughs and stumbles as she’s being led to a chair.

  She’s sat down and then the other woman steps back.

  “Do you trust me?” she asks.

  “I wouldn’t be blindfolded if I didn’t,” she chuckles, and the plane woman looks relieved.

  “Keep it on until you’re told otherwise.”

  The video cuts to some time later and the plane woman is back to standing on the place. I fast forward some more and miss what I’ve already seen, her declaration of love.

  I press play wh
en it looks like she’s back on the ground and her girlfriend is running over to her. The camera wobbles all over the place as the person holding it chases after her and it captures their embrace as she reaches her partner.

  “I love you, too, Bet,” she screams and laughs and tips her head back to stop herself from crying.

  Bet takes the camera and turns it onto selfie mode and they both smile into the lens.

  “If you love someone, tell them, show them, do anything to let them know. My name is Betty Wilder and I love this woman beyond crazy.”

  The video ends and I swipe my eyes, at least they’re not sad tears. I scroll further down and there are countless photos I’m tagged in.

  One photo makes me smile, a pair of sexy stocking clad legs are poking out from the bottom of the photo and they’re surrounded by bags of sweets, chocolate bars, and a games console controller and in the background, the tv is playing a movie.

  The caption reads, I’m romancing my guy tonight, with a heart emoji at the end.

  Another photo I’m tagged in is someone with her boyfriend lying on the beach as the sunrises. There are hundreds more photos and videos of people romancing each other and I’m here on my own as usual after starting the whole thing.

  Throwing the sheets back, my stomach growls as I quickly wash and throw some clothes on. My cupboards are empty, and I don’t plan on going shopping now, I’m far too hungry to walk around the supermarket, I’d end up buying everything but nothing I need.

  The nearest restaurant to me is a cute little Italian place that serves heavy pasta dishes and I want to drown in carbs right now. The place is busier than every other time I’ve been in here and I stand waiting to be seated.

  I’m not waiting long when, reading her name tag, Alicia walks over with a bright smile on her face and a menu in her hands.

  “Hello,” she beams.

  “Hi, table for one, please.”

  “Will anyone else be joining you?” she asks and my face scrunches automatically.