Remembering (The Starlight Chronicles Book 4)

by C. S. Johnson

  “I never thought I would see you again. I caused you pain.”

  “And now that we’re on the same page, I’d appreciate it if you would refrain from doing that anymore.”

  “But what if I can’t?” she asked.

  “You can hurt me,” I said, “but I know you can heal me, too.”

  Her laugh was dry and bitter. “The only pain I can’t heal is a broken heart.”

  I said nothing at that. How could I? I could see it on her face, and I knew it was true of my own heart.

  “There is still the battle with the Sinisters to deal with. It would be much better if you just worked with me.” She gazed up at me, her eyes full of concern. “What about our plan to destroy them?”

  I’d forgotten about her plans to use her power to its fullest, by opening up the Earth and throwing herself into its fire with the Sinisters tied up inside of her soul.

  “We’ll figure out a new plan.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Is it really so hard for you to believe we have a second chance at love?” I asked.

  The biting silence at my words gave me a clear answer.

  “Adonaias has given us second chances at our power and duty. Why not love, too?”

  Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open at the mere thought. Just how long has she been planning on dying for her cause? Was it really such a world-quaking notion to fight for a chance at a “normal” life?

  “I can’t,” she said. “I can’t do that. It would never work.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because I don’t want to just live for you,” she finally said. “I am collecting the Sinisters, not just to make good on my duty, but I wanted . . . I wanted to see Adonaias again. I wanted to be restored. Death is the only way out of human flesh without a Star’s wish.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, as though I wanted to protect my heart from the truth. “I say you’re weak. It’s nothing for you to die, is it? It’s almost a cop-out. It’s easy for you to die for me when you’ve already resigned yourself to death.”

  My hands reached out and cradled her face. I met her gaze boldly. “I dare you to live,” I said. “I dare you to live for me.”

  She sighed. “You’re asking the impossible of me.” Starry Knight pulled back. “Don’t you realize how impossible that is?”

  “Can’t we get a new wish?” I asked. “Can’t you trust me? We’ll find a new way. Aleia said we could go see Alora again, and see about contacting the Prince. We can at least try, right?”

  She was already on her way out of the observatory by the time a new resolve had been firmly planted inside my mind.

  But she’d finally told me the truth, and a big part of it.

  “We’ll find a new way,” I repeated into empty air.

  And I believed that. Despite everything, things could still work out. They couldn’t nearly be as impossible as Starry Knight thought they were.

  ☼

  15 ☼

  Dreams and Nightmares

  Given the amount of personal turmoil I found myself wading in, I was a bit surprised when I slept peacefully that night, and several following nights.

  I was surprised and relieved . . . until a dream came to me.

  It had been a long time since I’d had dreams. That was the first really clear thought I had as I began to wake up around it.

  In the beginning of my supernatural adventures, I had dreams of another place and time; often with the Sinisters or with Starry Knight’s supernova. From time to time, I even had a premonition—a clue about what was going to happen or something that had happened.

  I often wondered if the dreams had slowed because of Aleia’s arrival, or if it was just because I was getting better at doing my job as a superhero, or if maybe it was just something unrelated.

  Maybe I’d just forgotten how to dream.

  But the warm light and the cool air welcomed me as I fell into my inner vision. The blackness of the universe against the starlight dancing around the sea faded into pure white, and I saw the Prince of Stars, Adonaias, as he reached out his hand toward Earth—the small, seemingly useless, and needless world.

  His stark white hair, his matching beard, and his kind eyes, filled with a blue-green undertone and a crystalline color, were focused as he reached through a small tear in Space-Time and called out to his beloved.

  “I am waiting for you.”

  Starry Knight, I realized.

  My eyes flickered open, and I was surprised to find them wet. I rubbed the sleep out of them, only to find compassion and sympathy left.

  She’d admitted to me it was more important for her to die, in order to see Adonaias, than it was to live for me.

  I wondered if the Prince also thought that way. Was it possible he saw her death as necessary, too?

  A sigh escaped me. I didn’t want her to leave me again. The last several months, only seeing her on the battlefield, and fighting with her besides, had torn my heart apart.

  I thought about the Prince. I liked the guy. I mean, he seemed like a pretty good guy. He was patient with me, he was compassionate toward me. He wasn’t pushy, and he didn’t shame me when I failed. He didn’t remind me of my past failures—in fact, he specifically told me I was forgiven for them—while he gave me the power to know and do what was right. He protected me, gave me hope, and gave me courage. Gave me so much besides.

  But I didn’t know, in that moment, if I loved him the way I knew Starry Knight obviously did.

  How many people could you really be willing to live for and die for, no matter the pain? And her pain couldn’t have been just battling the Sinisters. She’d faced the life of an outcast, and took on training. How did she put it that time we were in SWORD’s capture? She’d “suffered for the sake of righteousness.”

  Meanwhile, my only suffering seemed silly in comparison.

  “Hamilton! Stefano’s expecting you at nine today. You better be getting up.”

  Speaking of which. I groaned to myself. Another day of looking for Otherworld, Inc. in any records I could find at the Mayor’s office.

  Elysian snorted in his sleep and rolled over, curling up in the small impression of warmth I left as I got up.

  I smiled at him and tiptoed around, not wanting to wake him.

  After my talk with Starry Knight, I’d had a pretty good week, I thought. I kept my head down in school, and Mikey and Gwen both seemed to ignore me—Gwen because she was still upset about my conversation with Raiya, obviously, and Mikey because he was trying to comfort Gwen—a less obvious but still valid observation.

  I hurried downstairs and grabbed my briefcase. I skipped over the kitchen, where Cheryl was arguing in terrible-sounding Spanish with Maurice about the food choices for dinner.

  Which made me wonder. “Are you having another special dinner?” I asked.

  “Not tonight,” Cheryl said. “But I thought I’d invite Stefano over soon. He’s never been to our house before, and with the several victories we’ve had in the courts lately, I think it’s time to celebrate.”

  “You mean brown-nose.”

  “Same thing,” she agreed. “Why do you ask? Are you going to invite Gwen over again?”

  “No.” I shrugged. I might as well tell someone. “I’m thinking of breaking up with her.”

  “Oh, really? Well, that’s too bad. I know you forgot about the dinner last time, but she was a real sweetheart through the whole thing, waiting for you. She would look over toward the door a lot and text people.”

  “Gwen’s great. I just don’t love her,” I said. I wondered if my mother would react to that in some seemingly normal way, even though I doubted it. “And if I don’t love her, it’s the right thing to do.”

  I was not disappointed.

  “Well, just be nice about it, so she’ll still be okay with working with Adam. He really seems to like her a lot.”

  “Okay,” I agreed. “I’m heading out. See you later.”

  Nothing.
Not so much as a “You’ll find someone else,” or a “These things are hard but you’ll make it through.” But then, it was Cheryl I was talking to.

  I walked toward the door and was almost completely out the door when she called back to me, “Hamilton.”

  I turned and looked at her, surprised.

  She sighed. “You know, work’s not everything in life.”

  “I know.” I’m surprised you know that.

  “There’s a lot more than just working and achieving things in a career. Find someone you love who will love you back, and don’t give up on them. Family matters, too.”

  I nodded. “Okay . . . I’ll remember that. Thanks . . . Mom. See you.”

  And then I did hurry away, because Cheryl’s sentimental appeal was going to make me mental. My mother didn’t break character very often, and when she did, it was disturbing. She was scary-sadistic-professional, and had been for as long as I could remember.

  But then, she probably hadn’t always been like that, I thought. She married Mark when they were young, before either of them had gotten out of college.

  I wondered if it was my birth that made her push herself into her career. After all, I came along shortly after they were married. It took Cheryl twelve years after me to have another baby.

  Twelve years was a long time to establish a routine and a reputation like the one my mother had. I knew from my own experience she used to take me to daycare a lot, and there wasn’t much I did with her when she got home. I really only remembered reading with her at night a lot of the time.

  Mark was about the same, but we all got along well for so long. I did my thing and they did theirs, and it wasn’t until Adam came that we really began to see how much we didn’t really know each other. And with him, we knew more of how much we weren’t going to let it bother us. Sure, I wanted their attention and everything, but in the end, I had a lot of freedom to be myself.

  I thought about it while I worked, wondering if some subconscious need to please my parents and to be right had conjoined in my mind to make me want a career in law.

  But as I put away the records I’d smuggled out of the restricted section of the Mayor’s office, I admitted to myself I might have been thinking along those lines because I’d only had poor results in my search.

  “Psst. Kid.”

  “Come on, I thought you were calling me ‘Boss’ now.” I stifled a groan as Elysian’s chameleon-like claws punctured up my arm.

  “Are you finished yet?” he asked.

  “No, and I don’t want to leave just yet, either.”

  “Come on, Aleia and I have to talk to you.”

  I sighed. “I’m working on my own stuff here.”

  “That’s what you said all week as we tried to get you to talk to your friend and about SWORD. We need you to go and find him. Something’s come up, and it’s bad.”

  “Shh,” I hissed. “Dante works here from time to time, remember, genius?”

  He rolled his lizard-eyes all the way around (just to disturb me, no doubt). “Come on. We could be in danger here anyway, thanks to your friend.”

  Fear iced its way through me. I can’t freak out here, I sternly lectured myself, as I, more robotically than I would have liked, headed toward the exit. I didn’t even stop to refill my coffee cup (an especially bad sign, since Rachel’s catered to the Mayor’s office) or grab my briefcase.

  Was it possible Mikey had revealed my identity online by mistake? Was SWORD or Apollo City calling for my arrest?

  As soon as we were outside, far away, and tucked deeply into the shadows, I slumped over. “All right,” I said. “Give me the details.”

  “Mikey’s posted a new blog.”

  “Is that it?” I scoffed. “I figured that much out. How bad is it?”

  “It’s about you and Starry Knight, and you’re kissing in the picture he posted.”

  That made me cringe. “Well, our fan base is going to have a field day,” I muttered, too shocked and choked up and embarrassed to process it all at once.

  “I told you not to allow your feelings for her to get in the way,” Elysian reminded me.

  “Shut up.”

  “It’s true. Now everyone knows how you feel, and she’s become a weakness.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “Come on, you’re smarter than that,” Elysian said with a huff. “SWORD, for one, might assume they can use her to get to you. Not to say how the attacks from the Sinisters will change now.”

  I wanted to scream in frustration. I wanted to howl in pain. I wanted to curl up into a ball and go to sleep, and only wake up when this nightmare was over.

  Elysian was no help, as he droned on and on about how SWORD could use me against her, too.

  I didn’t hear my patience snap, because I was too busy trying to snap his neck before I knew it.

  “Can you just stop it?” I grappled with him, losing my grip as he transformed into a larger reptile of sorts and then squeezed himself into a snake-like form to bind me. “I’m not going to feel bad about how I feel about her.”

  “After all the times she’s tried to destroy you?”

  “After all the times she’s saved me.” I managed to wriggle out of Elysian’s constricting grip. “We’re broken, Elysian. All of us. Things are going to be different here than they were before.”

  “What about the enemy?”

  “They’ll have to deal with us together,” I declared. “There’s nothing that’s going to stop me from standing up with her, and fighting alongside her as much as for her.”

  Elysian sighed. “I’m just going to give up on arguing with you now, so I don’t have to listen to your tiresome complaining.” He glanced over my shoulder and added, “It’s for the best, considering someone else wants your attention right now.”

  Part of me was hoping it was Starry Knight, so I could see her again. Another part of me was hoping it was Mikey, so I could give him his own turn at being throttled.

  Glancing around, I sighed. No part of me wanted to see Gwen.

  ☼

  16 ☼

  Just Nightmares

  Let’s get this over with.

  Recalling what my mother had said, I reminded myself very firmly that Adam liked Gwen a lot, and he needed a babysitter, and I didn’t want to take care of it, so I needed Gwen to break up with me on nice terms.

  It couldn’t be that hard, right? I thought to myself. I mean, a year ago I saved her life; twice, in fact. I knew my mother paid well for her babysitting, so there was that angle. And there was the matter that I least wanted to use but knew would be the most effective: Turning Gwen’s own words and thoughts against her to get my way.

  “Hey, Gwen.” I gave her a wide-eyed, innocent look, hoping she wouldn’t notice Elysian slithering down my arm and out of the way.

  She pursed her lips together. “We need to talk.”

  Ah, the infamous words of a dying relationship.

  “About what?” I asked, still maintaining my innocent façade.

  She scowled. “Don’t play dumb. You know I heard you in Rachel’s, talking with Raiya.”

  “It’s been a while since you last talked to me,” I said.

  “I haven’t talked to you all week because you make me sick.”

  It was, in my opinion, a mark of maturity on my part that I didn’t unload a scathing backlash of sarcasm on her. I thought about it, but I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and then replied, “I know.” I fisted my hands in my pockets. “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s not true.” Gwen shook her head. “I know you think that your apologies are enough for your flocks of followers, but I know the truth.”

  “I’m not lying,” I muttered.

  “You’re not lying?” Gwen raised her eyebrows. “Then tell me, what are you actually doing when you forget to meet with me or you’re running late?” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to reply.

  “Does it really matter at this point?” I shrugg
ed. “I mean, I know I’m a good catch and all, but I’m not cheating on you—”

  “I know the truth,” Gwen blurted out. “I know you’re Wingdinger.”

  I suddenly had to wonder if there were other reasons Mikey had avoided talking to me this week. Panic overcame me as I slouched over, trying to look nonchalant about it.

  “Running around with dragons and saving the day from monsters and villains set on world destruction?” I shook my head. “That doesn’t sound like me. Unless it’s a video game.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Hamilton Dinger. I’ve known for months now.”

  I gritted my teeth. “Does this mean we’re breaking up?” I asked. “If so, I don’t have to tell you anything I don’t want to. I don’t want to dignify that with a response.”

  Gwen laughed, her tone cynical and hollow. “I should have known you wouldn’t cooperate. We’re not going to break up.”

  “Why not? It’s stupid to keep dating me.”

  “You never think of me, do you?” Gwen’s voice was soft and putrid against my ears. “You’ve been inattentive, ungrateful, and distracted for nearly all of our relationship.”

  “You should get some good sympathy for dumping me, then.”

  “I have a right to dignity, don’t I?” Gwen shook her head. “I was in love with you. You broke my heart, Hamilton. I’m not going to let you ruin my pride.” She straightened. “If you don’t agree to end things on my terms, I’ll tell everyone that you’re Wingdinger.”

  I shook my head. “Who would believe you?”

  “Your mother might, for one,” Gwen insisted, chipping at the last layer of my patience. “She and that Dante guy were talking about it all at that dinner you missed when you were out supposedly working on your AP Gov assignment with Raiya.”

  “Dante?” My mother’s dinner guest had been Dante Salyards!?

  That didn’t bode well, I thought.

  “You know, on some level, I’m glad that you turned out to be Wingdinger,” she said. “I was worried for a bit that you were actually in love with Raiya. You’ve been cozying up to her lately. Of course,” she said, her eyes narrowing, “finding out you’re in love with Starry Knight wasn’t much easier.”