Jessie

by Lori Wick

  "You still smell good," Jessie said after a long silence, her voice rough from the tears.

  "So do you."

  "If I let something happen, I'd be raising a third baby by myself."

  "No, you wouldn't," Seth argued without heat, "but we still can't let anything happen until we work out how we feel about each other."

  Jessie tipped her head back and looked up at him. Seth knew he would kiss her-maybe even that night-but not yet, not until he knew what she was thinking.

  "Why did you cry?" he asked.

  "I don't know if I know."

  "Does it have something to do with seeing Jeb and Patience?"

  "I went to find out what my mother believed, and Patience said

  something that got me to thinking about both of my parents." "Bad memories?"

  "Yes," Jessie said, not wanting to admit she had realized she was just like her difficult father.

  228"Then what happened?"

  "That's when I fell asleep."

  Seth pushed her head back against his chest. If she kept looking up at him, they were going to start kissing, and at the moment that was sure to lead to more.

  "Why have you let me back into your life?" Seth asked.

  Jessie sighed before saying, "At first it was for the girls, but lately it's been for me too. It's nice to have someone else who knows the store like I do."

  "Do you think I'm leaving again?"

  "I don't know. I know you don't plan on it, but still it happened once before."

  Seth just held her, not sure what to say. He wanted to know more about her conversation with Patience and if any of it led to talk about Jessie's beliefs, but he had no idea how to ask.

  Without warning he felt Jessie's hands on his face. He looked down to find her looking up at him again. The first kiss was tentative; the second a little more familiar. From there they grew urgent with need as old memories surfaced. They were wrapped in each other's arms when they both heard a thud and a small cry.

  "That's Clancy," Jessie said breathlessly. "She's fallen out of bed."

  Seth could hardly think straight, but Jessie was already on the move. She rose from the sofa and went to the bedroom. Seth kept his place in the living room. It was not a good time for interruptions. His mind tried to tell him that maybe it was for the best, but he couldn't quite believe it. Jessie came back and didn't immediately join him on the sofa. They stared at each other before Seth spoke.

  "Is Clancy all right?"

  "Yes. She does that every once in a while and doesn't even fully wake up."

  They continued to stare at each other, and when Jessie kept her place by the wall, Seth rescued here

  "Do you need to get some sleep?"

  229"I think I do," Jessie agreed, no longer tired but seeing the offer for the lifeline it was.

  "I'll see you in the morning."

  Jessie nodded and almost left, but suddenly feelings of insecurity covered her.

  "Are you angry with me?"

  "No. Why would I be?"

  "I started something and now I'm walking away."

  Seth nodded slowly before saying, "We both know what would have happened tonight had Clancy stayed in bed. Maybe we need to both decide if that's what we want right now."

  "What if only one of us wants that right now?"

  "Then that other person will have to care enough to wait."

  It was not the reply she expected, but then lately nothing was. Jessie said goodnight and went into the bedroom. Seth stayed where he was and tried not to remember how wonderful it had been to hold her. After a time he blewthe lantern out and went to bed, but sleep was a long time in coming.

  "Good morning," Seth said when he came from the bedroom the next morning.

  "Good morning," Jessie returned, working on coffee. Her back was to him, but that didn't stop his next move. He came up and put an arm around his wife's shoulders.

  "How are you?"

  For just a split second Jessie stiffened, but then she heard his tone and realized the arm around her was undemanding. She turned her head to look at him and found his eyes on her.

  "I'm doing fine. Are you all right?"

  "I think so. I hope we can keep talking."

  "And kissing?" Jessie asked.

  "That was my next question. Are you telling the girls?"

  230Jessie looked into his eyes and felt herself melt. She should have been angry and scolding herself for her weakness, but instead she saw the truth for what it was. The kiss was going to happen again, and if Clancy stayed in bed this time, she wouldn't be sleeping with the girls.

  Seth saw the answer in her face and bent enough to kiss her temple. Jessie could not stop the sigh that escaped her.

  "I hate myself for wanting you," she admitted.

  "It's not a weakness to want a relationship with the man who never should have left."

  Jessie knew she would have to think about that. At the same moment they both heard small feet hitting the floor. Seth leaned down long enough to kiss her cheek, his hand tenderly caressing her back before he stepped completely away. Jessie, however, kept watching him. Her daughters came from the bedroom at the same time she faced the truth: She was still in love with Seth Redding.

  "Mama," Danny Jarvik said quietly and a little tearfully.

  "It's all right," his father said. "You don't need to cry. Mama is still sleeping so we're going to be very quiet."

  Rylan smiled with great tenderness when Danny sighed hugely and put his head on the big man's chest. Bri was not feeling the best at the moment, and naturally Danny could tell something was wrong. Bri had been sick in the night, and Rylan thought it important that she not hear Danny and get up.

  "Are you hungry?" Rylan asked his son, who perked up at the word.

  Rylan stood and started toward the kitchen, and Danny began to talk.

  "Shh," his father said, putting a few fingers over the baby's mouth. "We don't want to wake Mama."

  "Mama," he whispered, and Rylan praised him for being quiet. The two Jarvik males raided the kitchen for an early morning breakfast,

  231Rylan working hard to be silent. The kitchen floor creaked more loudly than the other floors in the house, so as soon as he could manage it, he sat at the kitchen table, Danny in his arms. They had a hodgepodge of food in front of them-bread, some applesauce, and even some leftover pie. Quiet as they'd been, this was the way Bri found them.

  She came to the edge of the room and smiled at the sight of them. Rylan took one look at her and wasted no time. He put Danny on the floor and went to her.

  "Sabrina," he said calmly and quietly, "there's blood on the front of your nightgown."

  An "oh" formed on Bri's mouth, but no sound came out. This was the last thing she expected. She hadn't been feeling well, but there had been no pain, just some queasiness.

  "Get back into bed while I find Doc Ertz," Rylan continued. "All right."

  "Mama!" Danny had made his way over and captured his mother's leg.

  "Come here, Buddy," Rylan lifted the little guy so he could hug his mother without Bri actually holding him. She kissed him and talked to him for a few minutes before turning her attention to Rylan.

  "What does it mean?"

  "I don't know. We'll let the doctor tell us, all right?"

  "I'm only seven months along, Rylan," Bri said next, and the pastor could see his wife was working to make sense of it.

  "It might not be a lot of blood since you weren't even aware of it, so just lie back down and rest until we can get some answers."

  Rylan and Danny accompanied Bri back to the bedroom. She changed her gown and got into bed while Rylan finished getting dressed. He was not in a panic, but neither was he going to take his time going for the doctor.

  "Here we go, Danny. Tell Mama goodbye."

  Her little boy waving at her from his father's arms, Bri watched Rylan start toward the door. The pastor looked back long enough to

  232catch her eyes and smile into them. Bri returned
the smile as they left. Her eyes then went to the ceiling as she began to pray.

  "Do you think it's too forward of me to make Nate a shirt?" Heather asked Jeanette and Becky over breakfast.

  Jeanette could not stop her smile. Becky had coffee headed to her mouth but stopped short. Heather watched their reactions, a bit bemused.

  "What did I say?"

  "Well," Jeanette began, but Becky cut her off.

  "Are you in love with the man, Heather?"

  "I don't know. Does my wanting to make a shirt mean I'm in love?"

  "Well," Jeanette tried again, "it means you have some type of feelings, doesn't it?"

  "I like him," Heather said softly. "I like him very much."

  The other women smiled at her, and then all fell to discussing if the shirt was a good idea, and if so, what kind the sheriff would like. None of them realized that their pastor was within an hour of knocking on their door and asking for help. The shirt would not be on anyone's mind for quite some time.

  "What's this?" Jessie shot at Seth not long after dinner. A catalog was open on the counter, and she was frowning at it.

  "An order I haven't finished. I didn't want to lose my place."

  "We haven't been that busy," Jessie said tightly, putting it off to one side but not closing the book.

  Seth stared at her, realizing he'd been in trouble all day. The first hour had gone fairly well, but the longer the day went, the shorter Jessie became with him. He'd kept his mouth shut, but no longer. The

  233store had three customers. As soon as they cleared out, he was going to find his wife.

  "How much is this cup?" a woman asked him, and Seth dragged his mind back to the moment. He waited on the woman and then turned to see Jessie finishing with a young couple. Seth slipped into the back to work on some shelves, hoping Jessie would wander along. It took some time. Things seemed to be pretty quiet out front, but eventually Jessie came to the storeroom.

  "Do you have a customer you're working with?" Seth asked.

  "No, I just need some cans of fruit," she said, still not sounding like herself.

  "What time is it?" Seth asked, not wanting the girls to interrupt. "It's one-thirty Where's your watch?"

  "You've been trying to pick a fight with me all day."

  The words were out, and Jessie froze where she was, a few cans in her arms. She stared at the shelf in front of her for a moment and then forced herself to turn and face him. The old Seth was not there. The man before her looked as calm and patient as his voice.

  "I'm afraid you've gotten it into your mind that I have some sort of agenda because I asked you this morning if you were going to talk to the girls. I don't have an agenda. You can stop fighting with me to keep me away. If you don't want me near you, I won't touch you." The temptation to remind her that she was the one to start the kissing was strong, but he made himself stop and wait.

  "I don't know what I want," Jessie admitted.

  Seth nodded, thinking that she had known a short time ago. He said only, "It sounds like we need to keep talking."

  Jessie nodded, feeling miserable. She hadn't meant to do this. Seth was as far away from her as he could manage, and she remembered his tenderness of last night and even this morning.

  "I'm sorry" she said quietly.

  "It's all right," Seth said, but he came no closer.

  Jessie looked as miserable as she felt. Seth would have been blind to miss it.

  234

  "What's wrong, Jessie?"

  They both heard someone enter the store. Jessie, feeling defeated, started that way, but Seth caught her hand.

  "I'll take care of it. We'll talk tonight when the girls are in bed."

  Jessie looked up at him, so many things running through her mind. She only nodded and then stood still when Seth tenderly touched her face. He didn't speak again, but Jessie had to ask herself if a man could touchawoman with that much tenderness and not still have feelings for her.

  Jessie was suddenly tired of snapping at Seth and feeling confused and sorry for herself. Tonight she would tell Seth what she was thinkingand find out his thoughts. Since he had arrived, her life had felt out of control, and that was something she could no longer allow.

  Rylan made his way into the bedroom a few hours later to check his wife. She lay still and watched him approach.

  "How is Danny?"

  "He's doing fine. When he asks about you, Becky tells him you're resting. How are you?"

  "I'm doing some thinking."

  Rylan sat on his side of the bed and asked, "Do you feel like you've missed something?"

  Bri shook her head no and then said, "I did for a little while, but I've examined my heart and asked God to make me aware of anything that wasn't right between Him and me or between you and me. It's hard, but I'm thankful for this reminder to check my heart. I know God doesn't hide from us, Rylan, so I'm trusting that this is what He has for me right now."

  "I had some of the same thoughts. I've asked Him to show me any way He chooses if I've failed Him in some way. I'm working to stay humble. It's the only way we're going to know if God is getting our attention over sin, or if this is simply a different way He wishes to glorify Himself."

  235"I do want this little person, Rylan," Bri admitted, her eyes meeting his.

  "I want you both," the pastor said, thinking his wife was a treasure beyond compare.

  Rylanthenreached for Bri's hand, and he prayed for them. He repeated his need to God to make sure their hearts were humble, and before he said amen, he gave his wife and baby to the Lord to do as He willed, confident that God would sustain all of them for every day He had planned.

  "I ate with Bertha. She's new," Clancy told her father from her place on the counter.

  "New at school?"

  "Yes. She used to live in Helena."

  "That's a long way from here."

  "She doesn't like it here, but I told her I would be her friend." "That was very nice of you."

  "Can you pray for her?" Clancy said.

  "I can pray for her," Seth said, hiding his surprise over the request. "What would you like me to pray?"

  "Well, you prayed for us when we went to school, and Hannah and me liked it."

  "Hannah and I," Seth corrected her automatically, staring into her precious face. "Do you know what, Clancy?"

  "What?"

  "God loves you very much."

  "And that's who you pray to, isn't it?"

  "Yes, it is. I have to check with that man who just came in, but at some point I can tell you more about God's love and about prayer."

  Clancy, who grew up with interruptions, took this in stride. Things were just busy enough that Seth did not get back to her. Clancy thought nothing of this, unaware of the way Seth prayed and asked God to give him an opportunity to share Christ with his youngest daughter.

  236

  JessieWHEELER WAS Awoman with a mission. Supper was eaten; the dishes and kitchen were clean; and the girls were in bed. Seth had come from the bedroom and was seated on the sofa. Jessie took the other end and looked at him.

  "How are you doing?" he asked.

  "I'm fine. I have some questions for you."

  Seth nodded, thinking that she sounded as though she were addressing a business meeting. Gone was the miserable woman in the storeroom. Thein chargeJessie sat across from him.

  "Go ahead," Seth said, trying not to sound like he was dreading this.

  "How do you feel about me?"

  Seth blinked a little and then caught on. He was not angry, but he was hurt and didn't want her to know it. He kept his voice as even as he could. "I don't want to fight with you, Jessie. I've admitted I did the wrong thing."

  Jessie looked startled by this, but Seth didn't notice.

  "If I tell you I love you, you're only going to remind me that I haven't been acting like a man in love or ask me howl could have stayed away for so long.",

  237Jessie knew she deserved that. She had snapped at him all day and the
n sat on the sofa and demanded to know his feelings.

  "I'm not doing a very good job with this," Jessie said, sounding less sure of herself and unconsciously making herself more approachable. "I don't know how to start this, and I thought it would help to know how you feel."

  "I'm sorry I assumed the worst. If you really want to know how I feel, I'll tell you."

  "I do want to know," Jessie said and all but held her breath.

  "I've fallen in love with you all over again. I won't insult you and say that I knew exactly how I felt when I came back to town, but I'm learning every day that I'm still in love with my wife."

  "I realized just this morning that I still loved you. I could almost hate myself for it, but that's how I feel."

  "So it's love mixed with a lot of fear?" Seth asked, his heart slamming in his chest.

  "Terror is a better word. I don't want to be hurt again."

  "I can't promise that I'll never hurt you, but I'm not leaving again. That I can promise you."

  Jessie's eyes closed. He made her feel so vulnerable, but then he always had. This was nothing new. She hadn't felt that way at the end when they fought all the time, but when it was good between them, she had felt things she'd never felt with anyone else.

  "Were there other questions you wanted to ask?" Seth said into the silence, wanting her much closer than she was. His wife still loved him, and he needed to touch her.

  "I can't remember right now."

  "Where do we go from here?"

  Jessie didn't mean for her eyes to flick to the bedroom door, but they did. And Seth saw it. The look he gave her was unmistakable. Jessie began to rise, moving away from him, but Seth was too fast. He had her hand in a lightning fast move and was pulling her close.

  "Come over here, Jessica," he invited. "We can talk on my end of the sofa."

  238

  "You don't want to talk," Jessie said, all the while allowing herself to be pulled into his arms.

  "I don't want toonlytalk, that's very true. A certain woman started something last night and didn't finish it."

  When she was in his arms, they looked at each other. Their eyes met and held until Jessie had to tell him more.

  "I missed you so much."