The Words Shimmer

by Jenn Matthews

  “Supplies.” He tilted his head, and his face dropped from its usual teasing expression. “Aw, mate.”

  Mel didn’t have the energy to respond, so she burrowed further into the cushion.

  Epione, recognising a potential extra human care-giver, who might fill her food bowl, wound herself around James’s legs.

  “All right, Epi. Hm. Mum doesn’t seem to have been taking care of herself, let alone you.” He took the bag into the kitchen, and she heard him clanking about in her cupboards before the familiar noise of food clattering into the cat’s metal bowl reached her ears. “There you go.” She listened with some comfort as James filled and boiled the kettle. “Tea or coffee?” he shouted.

  She snuffled and turned onto her back. Her voice cracked. “Coffee. Two sugars.”

  “Cor, Epi, it must be bad. Two sugars, hmm?”

  Mel scrubbed her face with her hands.

  Two cups of coffee appeared as James returned to the living room. He placed them on the table before nudging her feet with his hip. “Come on, you. Sit up.”

  “No.” She put her hands back over her eyes.

  “Yes.” His voice was stern. She wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. “Up, woman. Or we’re going to have to do some manual handling.”

  At that, she sat up. She didn’t feel like being hauled around like one of their patients. She pushed her hair out of her eyes. It was coming loose from the ponytail she’d put it in… Three days ago?

  The coffee on her table steamed invitingly. She took a sip and allowed it to burn her mouth a bit. Anything to distract her from the raw feeling that was making it difficult for her to eat.

  “Have you eaten?” James asked, as if he could read her thoughts.

  Mel shrugged.

  “Right. Drink your coffee, then food.”

  Mel wrinkled her nose but obliged, allowing the warmth of the mug to tickle her face.

  “I brought silly movies, popcorn, and chocolate.”

  Tears gathered in her eyes, and her bottom lip shook. “Mate.”

  “Oh, shush.” He put his coffee down hastily and wrapped his arms around her. “Less of the blubbering, yeah?” He was teasing, but the affection in his voice made her cry harder. He just rocked her for a while, the roughness of his beard scratchy against her forehead.

  Once she’d got her emotions under control, she pulled back and wiped her face with her sleeve. She glanced down at herself and blushed as she realised that she wasn’t even wearing underwear. Just pyjamas and a hoody. Hair unbrushed and in nightclothes for three days—not hugely professional.

  Not that James seemed to care. He patted her knee and rubbed her arm vigorously. “Right. Now the crying is done, maybe you should tell me what happened?”

  “She broke up with me.”

  “Yep, I got that from the series of depressed texts.”

  She looked down at her coffee. The dark brown of it reminded her of Ruby’s hair. She pushed the cup across the coffee table and refused to look at it. “She said she couldn’t be with me anymore, and that it was too much, having her personal and private lives mixing. She’s at work and…” Mel closed her mouth and looked down at her hands.

  “Aw, mate. I’m sorry. So what, she wasn’t happy with you being a student or…?”

  “She didn’t say it out loud, but it was clear it was to do with my learning difficulty. She tried to make me believe it was to do with her privacy, but let’s just say she was less than convincing on that part. She obviously thinks I’m not worth the hassle.” Mel ground her teeth.

  “Yes, you are.”

  “Nope.” The memory of the way Ruby had caressed the back of her neck when they had kissed, and the way she’d looked so deeply into Mel’s eyes, caused fresh tears to spring forth. The image of Ruby’s eyes was replaced with Rach’s, then with a whole stream of women Mel had dated. She’d kept those relationships short, not wanting to get in too deep and let them find out she couldn’t read well. They all seemed like one person now, all leaving her or making her leave. She’d thought Ruby wasn’t like that.

  “Why these new tears?” James shifted closer.

  “I don’t know.” Mel swiped at her face. “I suppose I wish things had gone differently.”

  “With Ruby?”

  “With all of them maybe. But Ruby, yes.” She let out a long sigh. “Good riddance to her. She’s just like all the others.”

  James’s brow wrinkled. “Really? You didn’t seem to think that last week.”

  “Yeah, well, last week she didn’t know I couldn’t read.”

  He appeared to ignore her over-exaggeration. “But… you said she was fine with that. Didn’t you?”

  “She was lying.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because people don’t keep being a gay a secret anymore. There’s no need.”

  “I know things have changed,” James said slowly. “But it can’t be easy being in a respectable job and being out.”

  “I manage it just fine.” Mel’s jaw ached, and she had to consciously unclench to ease it.

  “I know. But you’re very confident. You always have been. Practically the first thing you said to me when we started our first shift together was ‘Hey, dude, I’m a big ol’ les’.”

  She glared at him. “You’re… Surely you’re not taking her side?”

  “I’m just saying… maybe she wasn’t lying about why she wanted to break up.”

  She blinked rapidly and shook her head.

  “It’s such a shame,” James continued. “You looked so happy when you spoke about her. Like she really was different. Like she was the one, or whatever.”

  “So what?” The tears that had been threatening for a while spilled onto her cheeks. James’s image shimmered. “It’s not like she’s going to change her mind. That’s not what she’s like.” She was shouting at him, but she didn’t care. Why is he reminding me how happy I was? He’s not helping.

  “What about when you’re finished with your Masters?” James placed a hand on Mel’s. “Why not wait for her? Isn’t she worth it?”

  “I don’t… I don’t know.” She put her hands over her ears, willing the conversation to end just there rather than for him to make her more upset. But when she opened her eyes again and removed her hands, he was still watching her, a gentle look in his eyes.

  “Have hope, yeah? I just want you to be happy.”

  She laughed through her tears and sniffed hugely. “You’re a good mate.”

  He shoved at her shoulder but then rubbed it warmly. “You can always rely on me. Now”—he reached for the bag and pulled out a massive packet of popcorn—“you start working on this and I’ll pick us out a film, yeah?”

  Chapter 23

  What have I done?

  Ruby rubbed at her temple. Only a few days ago, she had been certain she was doing the right thing; now she was torn. She’d broken up with Mel on the assumption that the dean was going to fire her. She’d been ready to deny their relationship. She’d even rehearsed her speech so Sonya would believe her. She never even gave me a chance to talk.

  She’d spent the entire night trying to figure out what to do. Questions swirled around like wasps in her brain, battering against the inside of her skull. Was she so concerned with her private life being private that having a relationship that had a connection to work was completely out of the question? Did it matter if the whole world knew she was with a woman—with Mel?

  She thought back to the gardening group, back to the kids she had grown to enjoy spending time with. Their accepting faces when Mel had told them she was gay. The way they’d been curious and happy for them both when they’d said they were girlfriends.

  Well, we’re not girlfriends anymore. I saw to that.

  Her whole body felt heavy and sluggish. Lack of sleep had pulled her alongside her
emotions, and every time she thought of Mel, her throat tightened. She’d had to phone in sick to work; someone else was teaching her classes. She’d never done that before. Never. She’d spent the morning sitting on her sofa staring at her phone, hoping that Mel would ring. Then she’d given in to the urge to text her. She wasn’t sure her words meant anything. She probably hates me, but I have got to try.

  Seven texts and no reply later, Barney trotted over and sat, hopefully eyeing the half-empty packet of digestive biscuits resting in Ruby’s lap. Ruby scowled at the dog, who reacted immediately by lowering her head. Ruby reached out a hand. “I’m sorry, Barn.” She sighed deeply. Barney closed her eyes as Ruby scratched her ear, then she patted the sofa next to her.

  Wagging her tail, Barney hopped onto the sofa, and a large breath escaped her as she moulded herself against Ruby’s thigh. Barney’s cheek was warm. Ruby rested against the back of the sofa and closed her eyes.

  Tears ran occasionally down and into Ruby’s hair. She kept her eyes closed but stroked Barney’s head rhythmically. It was comforting, having a warm body next to her, even if it wasn’t human.

  Her phone bleeped. Ruby grabbed it, but her heart fell as she realised it was Chloe, asking if she needed anything. She’d told her daughters she had flu-like symptoms—an excuse not to speak the truth to them just yet.

  Deciding to take a leap of faith, she straightened and replied to Chloe, then tapped Mel’s name to call her.

  It rang for ages before going to voicemail.

  Ruby tried to steady her voice. “Mel? It’s Ruby. I know I’ve said I’m sorry, but really, I am. I’ve been a complete pillock. Please can we talk? Would you just answer your phone, or phone me back? Please?”

  She hung up. Her chest burned as she considered what she had lost. Then she smacked her hand against the sofa, startling Barney enough that she rolled off onto the floor.

  Did Mel mean more to Ruby than her long-preferred privacy? Her life had been so orderly and so formulated until now. Did it need to be?

  Wiping her eyes, Ruby stood and strode through the house to get dressed, wash her face, and do whatever it took to fix what she had broken.

  Mel’s first nightshift back was busy, and the sun was high in the sky as she and James returned to base. She leant her forehead against the cool passenger window as James swung the truck into the ambulance station and felt the peace settle inside her as the end of their shift hovered in sight.

  A blue Mini Cooper stood in the car park. Mel squinted at it.

  “Isn’t that Ruby’s car?” James asked.

  Without commenting, Mel waited until James had put the truck into park before jumping out. She went over to the car and peered inside. “Can’t be. Why would she be here?”

  “Because you’ve neglected to answer any of her texts or phone calls?”

  She swiped at him with her jacket and then tiptoed in through the station building. On entering the staff room, she found the day staff accumulating on the small sofas. Mel got the impression they were waiting for someone.

  “She’s here,” one of the ECAs shouted.

  Mel wondered whose birthday it was.

  Then she took in the room properly. A large banner stretched the entire width of the ceiling, covering the message board and most of the staff lockers. It draped half way down to the floor and in big red letters proclaimed: I (Ruby) love Mel Jackson.

  She stared at the banner, running her fingers through her ponytail. Then, when she realised the number of gazes on her, her cheeks burned.

  James stepped into the room and peered at the banner. Then he looked behind Mel, his eyes widening. “Oh. Hi.”

  “I’m going… going to assume you’re James.”

  Mel whirled around to find Ruby holding out her hand. Under Mel’s stare, Ruby shrank back a bit, her gaze lowered to the floor.

  Her colleagues all seemed fascinated, with beaming smiles and less-than-subtle nudges to one another. To James’s credit, he shook Ruby’s hand, then turned to the rest of them. “Come on, guys. Out.”

  As everyone filed out to check their vehicles and medications for their shifts, Mel glared at him. “Did you know she was going to be here?”

  His arms opened. “I didn’t. Really.” He patted her shoulder and left the room as well.

  The banner pulled her attention with its large red letters. Mel shook her head and turned back to Ruby. “What on earth are you doing here?”

  “I needed to see you.”

  “Here?” Mel huffed and looked out of the door, the redness in her cheeks flaring anew. “I have a professional reputation to uphold, you know. How dare you come into my place of work and embarrass me in front of my colleagues.” She folded her arms. “Imagine if I had done that to you.”

  “I wanted to explain. I’ve been thinking…” Ruby’s shoulders drooped. “I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

  “String me along like a puppy? Yeah. You really shouldn’t have.” Mel sighed and stared at the floor.

  “No.” Ruby stepped closer. “Broken up with you.”

  “I’m glad you did.”

  “Don’t say that.” When Mel looked up again, she found Ruby’s eyes glistening with tears. “I was… I was scared.”

  “Well, if you’re too scared to get over the fact that I’m thick, I’m really glad you broke up with me.”

  Ruby furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

  “Dyslexia. Damaged goods, and all that. No need to explain; I’ve been through it all before.”

  “Dyslexia… What?” Ruby shook her head emphatically. “No, no. That’s not what this was about.”

  “You reckon?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Mel shook her head, not believing a word Ruby was offering her.

  “It really wasn’t.”

  A hand lifted near Mel’s shoulder, but Mel stepped back so that Ruby couldn’t touch her.

  “It was about my own blooming insecurities. My own fear that if I don’t have privacy, I’ll… My life will be over. Or something.”

  Her arms still folded, Mel settled her gaze on Ruby. A spark of something hopeful ignited inside her. Is she different from Rach? Ruby did research dyslexia. No other woman has ever done that. And she was so understanding with that student, once we’d got to the bottom of her problem. And she liked my glasses. Maybe James is right, and she is telling the truth. “Okay, I’m listening. Explain.”

  Ruby placed her hands together and looked down at the floor before she spoke. “I’ve always had this thing where I have to keep my professional and personal lives separate. Shortly after Mrs Denzie went to the dean, I got a call saying the dean wanted to speak to me. The simple truth is that I panicked. I couldn’t handle the thought that I’d lose my job, and someone accusing me of engaging in sexual behaviour in public would certainly have done that. I have my daughters to look after, the mortgage to pay, bills. Blooming heck, Mel, I can’t afford to lose my job, simply from a practical standpoint. If I did, how would I feed my girls?”

  “Or Barney.”

  Ruby smiled softly. “Or Barney, of course.”

  “You said that was the practical part. I can understand that fear. But that doesn’t explain the other part. The privacy part and your life being over.”

  “No, it doesn’t.” She shrugged. “I’m forty-two years old and to all intents and purposes I’ve never really come out. When I thought it would all be out in the open, and that people would judge me for who I am and who I love… Well, in the face of one of my greatest fears, I couldn’t handle it. I was scared, and I panicked. I reacted badly. Instead of seeing all those little faces that reacted wonderfully to the news we were together, I was stuck on the one who didn’t, and I made what I thought was my only choice. I have people that rely on me, Mel. I can’t just jump into things with my eyes closed and hope for the best.”


  Mel lowered herself into one of the small sofas, her gaze still on Ruby.

  Her feet carrying her from one side of the room to the other, Ruby ran her fingers through her hair and continued. “I got scared. I broke up with you because I was terrified. But, actually, the dean was perfectly lovely. She apologised to me for having to put up with that homophobic witch. She didn’t believe Mrs Denzie’s story that she’d seen us in the greenhouse having sex. She knows I wouldn’t do anything like that. And she has absolutely no issue with us being together.”

  “Of course she doesn’t,” Mel said. “Why would you think there might have been an issue?”

  “My own stupid assumptions. Fear. Worry that others would see us the way Mrs Denzie did.” Ruby perched on the sofa next to Mel and threw her a hopeful look. “I’m sorry.”

  Mel sucked her bottom lip and pondered the situation. She really thinks I’m going to forgive her, after the hell she’s put me through? The last four days I’ve been in absolute agony, and all because she’s scared of her dirty laundry being thrown out for everyone to see?

  A groan escaped Mel’s lips and she rested her forehead in her hand, her elbow on her knee. “So, what, you turn up at my work with a massive banner and suddenly everything is okay?”

  Ruby’s gaze flicked up towards the banner, and she seemed to deflate at the sight. “You don’t like it?”

  “It’s ludicrous.” Mel felt laughter fluttering up inside her and didn’t have the reserve to stop it. “Look at the thing. You could probably see the words from across the road.”

  “That’s sort of the point.”

  Looking more intensely at the banner, Mel allowed the words to penetrate her mind. “You’re telling the whole town that you love me?”

  “Yes.” Ruby’s gaze searched Mel’s. “I wanted to make some grand gesture. Something that would show you that it’s not worth it, losing you to keep my privacy. I don’t care who knows, as long as you do. I love you.”