The Words Shimmer

by Jenn Matthews

  Goose bumps rose wherever Mel touched her. She shivered but shot Mel a beam, hoping she could convey with her eyes that this was okay.

  “She asked me, right out, whether I liked ‘girls more than boys’.” Ruby put quotation marks around the words with two fingers of her free hand. “And I said I did. And she nodded in the most serious way and said that she still loved me, but that she always wanted to meet anyone I went out with.”

  “And she’s been your official girlfriend-vetter ever since?” Mel asked, a twinkle in her eye.

  “Well.” Ruby put a hand to her cheek. “I’m not saying there has been a whole ream of women knocking at my door…”

  “It’s okay.” Mel tickled her fingertips against the back of Ruby’s hand. “I’ve had girlfriends before you. I’m sure you’ve had them before you met me.”

  “Not for a while.”

  “Ah. Me neither.” Mel pushed her shoulders up and seemed a little shaky suddenly. “Not since a woman called Rach. She wasn’t very nice to me.”

  “What happened?”

  “I got diagnosed with dyslexia pretty soon after we started going out. And when I told her she… treated me differently. Like a kid, really. Like I was thick as two short planks.”

  “Blooming heck. No wonder you didn’t tell me at first.”

  “Yeah.” Mel cleared her throat. “And then, after convincing me she was absolutely fine with the whole thing, she left.”

  “For what it’s worth, she wasn’t worthy of your time.”

  Mel chuckled. “That’s what James keeps telling me. It’s had an impact on me though.”

  Sucking in a long breath, Ruby turned her hand over and spread her fingers so that Mel could draw circles against her palm. Who knew I was more sensitive there than on the back of my hand? Ruby felt sunshine-like sensations blossoming from her hand and outwards. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face.

  “So you’ve… dated women?” Mel asked, her gaze on their hands.

  Ruby nodded and hummed, more at the feeling of Mel’s fingers on her than as a reply. “A few.” She furrowed her eyebrows and studied Mel. “Is that okay?”

  “It’s… I’m glad.”

  “Are you?”

  Mel swallowed thickly and looked awkward. “I’ve been a ‘first’ for someone before. It seems like a really exciting and honour-worthy thing. But it’s not.”

  “The science-experiment thing?” Ruby asked.

  Mel nodded slowly.

  “Be content with the knowledge, then, that you are not my first. You’re not even my second.”

  Snorting in relief, Mel shifted towards Ruby on the sofa and sank her fingers behind her head and into her hair. Ruby slipped a hand around Mel’s waist. They just sat close together, relief and humour flowing back and forth between them, until Ruby wiggled to get more comfortable, one fingertip poking into Mel’s belt loop by her hip.

  “And now it’s your turn.”

  “Coming-out story?” Mel asked, the humour still evident in her eyes.

  “If you like.” Ruby rested her cheek against the sofa back and Mel’s wrist, content to have Mel touching her in any way she wanted to. Mel’s fingers were stationary against her scalp, but her skin was warm, and she was comfortable.

  “Well, I was eighteen and there was this girl in my class at school who was really fit. And one night we got drunk together in her parents’ dining room and I kissed her.”

  “What was she like?” Ruby asked, her voice barely a whisper.

  “She was sweet and very nice to me. She was on the hockey team, like I was. We used to race up the field together and pass the ball back and forth. Could have won most of the matches with just the two of us.”

  Ruby giggled and sighed.

  “And she kissed me back, right there on the floor. And then I went home and thought my luck was in. Maybe I was gay and now I had a beautiful girlfriend who wanted to kiss me. So I made all these plans, to phone her and arrange for us to be in my house alone so we could… Well, I didn’t know what we would do but I figured it was going to be amazing. But she never spoke to me again.”

  “What?” Ruby said in dismay, sitting up and reaching to stroke Mel’s cheek. “Never?”

  “Apart from ‘pass to me, Jackson’, no. She spoke to me on the field, but otherwise, nothing.”

  “Oh, your poor eighteen-year-old heart,” Ruby said.

  “Broken and miserable,” Mel replied with the back of her hand to her forehead. “I’ve never got over it.”

  Ruby laughed and swiped at Mel’s hand, catching it to hold in her own. They quietened again, and Ruby sighed. “That’s so sad though. Realising you like a girl and then… she just stops talking to you.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be honest I was pretty devastated. And, of course, I couldn’t tell anyone. In the end I just got a job, moved out of my parents’ house, and got on with life. I didn’t kiss anyone else for a long time, a good three years, after that.”

  “Have you ever been with a bloke?” Ruby found that she didn’t feel nervous about asking, and that the smile she got from Mel simply reinforced the fact.

  “Nope. It never interested me.”

  “I suppose there are times when I’ve wished I hadn’t. It was always so… it wasn’t great. I just thought that was how it was supposed to be, for the seven years we were married.”

  “Seven? That’s a long time.”

  “We married when I was twenty-two, and divorced when I was twenty-nine.”

  “But… the girls.”

  “The girls,” Ruby agreed.

  “Must feel like a lifetime ago,” Mel said.

  Ruby nodded. “I felt so different back then. The girls were little sparkles in a life that just didn’t make sense. I couldn’t work out why I was so unhappy.”

  “How did you find out you were gay?” Mel blinked, and her mouth opened wide. “Oh. I mean. You are gay, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I reckon so.” Ruby chuckled and rubbed Mel’s arm soothingly. “I had this dream, about a consultant I worked with.”

  Mel’s eyebrows flicked up once before she seemed to stop herself. The look in her eyes was teasing, however.

  “Yes, it was a sex dream, and yes, we were doing some rather… wonderful things in it.” Poking a finger into Mel’s side and causing her to squeak, Ruby grinned smugly at her. “It never occurred to me before that the reason why I didn’t really find any pleasure in sex with my husband, was that I didn’t fancy him.”

  “Big news when you’re married.”

  “I know.”

  They relaxed again, their faces open and expressions affectionate.

  “So now you know me, and I know you.” Mel seemed satisfied.

  “We do. It’s nice to find out about your past, even though your past is pretty miserable.”

  “Once I’d grown up a bit, and felt confident that not every woman was going to dismiss me if I kissed her, the rest of my time as an out and proud gay woman was okay. Apart from Rach.”

  “Well, apart from Rach, I’m glad.”

  “I suppose your story had a happy ending?”

  “After the initial confusion and more than a few tears, we worked out what we wanted. The divorce was reasonably quick, for that I was grateful. My ex made it simple, gave me the house, and agreed we’d try to stay friends.”

  “That’s good.”

  “He finally accepted it wasn’t anybody’s fault, and left me to my life. The only time we really talk these days is when we need to discuss the girls.”

  Mel’s fingers in Ruby’s hair started to caress her, and Ruby inhaled sharply, involuntarily. The fingers stilled, but Ruby made a noise of complaint in her throat, so Mel began again, swirling little circles against her scalp and through her hair.

  Humming out her approval, Ruby leant i
nto Mel’s hand. “I love having my hair played with.”

  “And I really like your hair,” Mel whispered. “It’s lovely and soft and thick.”

  “Would you think me fickle if I admitted that I dyed it?”

  “No. It’s a lovely colour.”

  “I expect I have lots of greys. But I’m not quite ready for them just yet.”

  “I have loads of greys. But I don’t care. I’m kind of looking forward to going properly grey. Better than ginger, right?”

  “You’re not that ginger,” Ruby replied, her hands drifting up Mel’s sides to sink into her soft straight hair. She watched as the reddish strands caught the waning sunlight that streamed through her living room window and combed her fingers through them. “I love the colour of your hair. And it looks lovely down.”

  “Does it? I find it gets in the way.” Mel held up her wrist, which had a hair band wrapped around it. “Just in case.”

  “You never know,” Ruby whispered, shuffling closer and bringing both hands up to cup Mel’s cheeks.

  Mel leant forward too, and their lips met, very gently. They pulled back from one another but stayed close, and Ruby could feel Mel’s breath on her cheek.

  “It’s not really time to go to bed yet, is it?” Mel asked, her cheeks pinking and her voice gravelly.

  Ruby sighed and stroked Mel’s face. “We could always find a film to watch.”

  Mel’s gaze flicked towards the television that stood in the corner of the living room.

  “Um.” Ruby’s cheeks warmed, and she eyed the television. “The DVD player down here doesn’t work.”

  “Oh.” Mel snorted and leant forward to brush her lips against Ruby’s cheek. “Well, that’s that plan scuppered, then.”

  “Not necessarily.” Ruby clambered off the sofa and held out a hand. “Come on.”

  Mel looked up at her in confusion. “What?”

  “There’s one in my room.” Ruby beamed smugly. “And that one very much works.”

  Taking Ruby’s hand and allowing herself to be pulled up, Mel’s face crinkled into a smile. “Your bedroom?”

  Ruby chuckled and patted Mel’s cheek. “Blimey, don’t look so scared.” They stood still in front of one another, and Ruby ran her fingers through Mel’s hair again. “What do you say to a film in our pyjamas?”

  Mel’s cheeks flushed more deeply, and she looked away.

  “You didn’t pack a sexy teddy or something, did you?”

  Gaze snapping back to Ruby’s, Mel found a glint in her eye and then laughed. “Luckily, no.”

  “Good. Hot chocolate?” At Mel’s nod, Ruby collected their glasses with one hand and pulled her into the kitchen with the other.

  Barney got up from her basket and sniffed around them briefly.

  “Want to go out?”

  The dog wagged her tail and trotted to the kitchen door. Ruby let her out and set their wine glasses down before going to the kettle and flicking it on.

  Mel leaned against the kitchen table and allowed her gaze to slide up and down Ruby’s body. So we’re going up to her bedroom—okay, I can handle that. She’d wondered several times how this would go, them sharing a bed. Whether they’d scarper up the stairs and rip their clothes off and devour one another, or whether it would be a little more refined and gentle. She still wasn’t sure.

  Ruby looked sexy, despite obviously having no intention of doing so, in her tight-fitting T-shirt and blue jeans. Her hair seemed especially glossy, and she smelled fantastic—all flowery and musky and lovely. Cleaner than usual, although Mel was so used to smelling earthy compost on her these days, she wasn’t sure which smell she liked better. Perhaps she liked them equally.

  At a scrape at the door, Ruby let Barney back in. The dog stretched and climbed back into her bed before flopping down and sighing happily.

  As the kettle clicked off, Ruby filled two mugs with cocoa and sugar, then steaming water. She bent down to grab a bottle of milk from the fridge, and her curvy backside was made more prominent. She turned around quickly and grinned as she caught Mel staring.

  Mel gulped and flushed yet again, her hand against her own cheek. “I’m sorry.”

  “You, my lovely, can ogle me all you want.” Ruby wiggled her hips as she poured milk into the two cups. “I think we’re at the stage in our relationship where we are very much allowed to appreciate each other, aesthetically.” Ruby bent down to ruffle Barney’s ears on her way past.

  Mel took her hot chocolate carefully and followed Ruby out of the kitchen—she remembered to grab her rucksack—and up the wooden stairs, onto a small landing. Three doors stood closed, and another set of stairs led upwards.

  “If you prefer a bath to a shower,” Ruby said, pointing at the door on the far right, “feel free to use the main bathroom. It’s the girls’ bathroom, but I do insist they keep it reasonably clean.”

  “I was wondering whether I’d get a tour of your house,” Mel replied, and they went up the second set of stairs.

  This floor held a tiny square of carpet at the top and a single door. Ruby swept the door open with an eager flourish, revealing a huge, light room, with a large metal-framed bed on one side, solid wood furniture, and a sloping roof with a window in. The natural light streamed through the window, and the blue sky above them filtered through the glass and spread across the bedroom without a real need for either of the lamps or the main electric light in the middle of the ceiling.

  A large print of a naked woman, black and white, hiding her face in her arm while she slept, hung opposite the door. Several smaller pictures, possibly by the same artist, were dotted around. Each one was beautiful, and Mel found herself standing and staring, her rucksack on one shoulder and her cup held tightly in both hands.

  As Mel came back to herself and began to admire the whole of the space, Ruby indicated the door that didn’t lead downstairs. Ruby had moved around the room, allowing Mel to admire the pictures, and turned on the two lamps, which now cast yellowy light across the mostly white bedroom, making it feel a little warmer.

  “My en suite. I have a shower up here, toilet, sink, and the like.”

  Mel nodded, peeking into the bathroom and noticing that the walls were a pale yellow, Ruby’s favourite colour. Her bedroom was white, apart from a few pastel accents of blue and green. It was airy and clean-feeling, and Mel liked it very much.

  She set her rucksack at the foot of the bed, not wanting to claim a specific side just yet, and stepped up behind Ruby, who was perusing a bookcase full of films. The television sat on a small table to one side of the bed but near the foot, so that both occupants of the bed could watch it if they so wished.

  “What do you fancy?” Ruby asked.

  The word “you” was on the tip of Mel’s tongue, but she swallowed it back down. “Something light. Not too taxing.”

  “Plan on multi-tasking?” Ruby asked, with a chuckle.

  “Was hoping to get some cuddling in, if that’s something you’d enjoy?”

  Ruby’s face broke into a smile at that and Mel’s knees felt momentarily weak. Will I be able to focus on a film at all, if this gorgeous woman is in my arms?

  Reaching forward with a finger, Mel tapped a film she’d seen before but wouldn’t mind watching again.

  “Ah, you’re an indie film fan, thank goodness.”

  Mel slid the film out and checked the back. “More an Ellen Page fan, really.”

  Shrugging, Ruby leant her chin against Mel’s shoulder. “The music is great too.”

  “It’s just such a comforting film. I know that sounds weird, a film about a sixteen-year-old getting pregnant.”

  “No, I understand what you mean. It’s a lovely film. Yes, let’s have that one.”

  They took the DVD and their hot chocolates over to the bed and looked at one another. “Um,” Ruby began, tapping the DVD case on th
e table the television stood on, her foot scuffing against her carpet. “I don’t mind which side…”

  Mel figured taking the lead in this small thing might be a good idea, so she chose the side furthest away from the television. “This is fine with me.”

  Nodding, Ruby perched on the side of her bed and placed her drink on her bedside table before taking the disk out of its case and turning the relevant machines on.

  Mel sipped from her cup, not wanting her drink to go cold, and plumped the pillows behind her. The initial music started, and Ruby sat back too, sitting crossed-legged next to Mel. They watched the beginning credits of the film, the drawn figure walking through her neighbourhood, drinking orange juice. The music was wonderfully familiar, and Mel felt her insides softening slightly.

  They glanced at one another and went back to watching the film.

  When the long credits were over, they had both finished their hot chocolates. Mel ran her tongue over her teeth and wrinkled her nose. “Shall we get ready for bed?” she asked, and her voice sounded loud in the calm room.

  Ruby looked at her for a few seconds, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth, but nodded. She stood and stooped by her chest of drawers, pulling out pyjamas. How sweet; she’s wearing clean pyjamas for me. With a glance over her shoulder, Ruby disappeared into her en suite and closed the door.

  Mel decided it was fair enough. As much as she wanted to undress Ruby herself, revealing each inch of naked skin as she did so, perhaps that wasn’t something Ruby was comfortable with just yet. It was new for both of them, and Mel felt like actually, however much she wanted to make love, and yes that was what it would be when they finally did so, she wanted to take her time. Ruby was worth it.

  So she clambered from the bed and knelt on the floor to take out various bits and bobs from her rucksack, laying her pyjamas on the bed, and grabbing her toothbrush and toothpaste. She sat on the bed next to her neatly folded pyjamas and waited. Water running sounds carried through the closed door, and Mel was suddenly aware of her bladder complaining. Good thing we’re having a break before we watch the film, otherwise we’d need an interval in the middle of it.