He Loves Him

by Tegan Fjerstad

  “I’m not pissed off at him,” I said quietly.

  “You’re lying to yourself again.”

  I wasn’t pissed. Yeah, I was pissed off while we were standing there arguing, but now that I wasn’t standing in front of him the anger had faded and all that was left was pain. Arguing that point with Jake wasn’t going to help anything though.

  “Jake, how did he forget about me?” I whispered miserably.

  “I don’t know, Riker,” he said softly as he raised his arm and looped it around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest.

  “What do I do now?” I muttered.

  “I don’t know. You know I don’t know anything about relationships. You gotta figure this one out on your own. Listen though, I know you’re hurt, and you have every right to be. Kit screwed up big time, but it’s up to you to decide whether it’s unforgiveable or not. I can’t decide that for you, and Kit can’t force you to forgive him. He also can’t ruin your birthday unless you let him, so just don’t decide on any of that tonight. There’s still some hours left to the day. Tell me what you want to do.”

  I sighed and rubbed at my eyes. The thing was, there wasn’t anything major that I had wanted to do today. No birthday traditions that hadn’t already been met. There was just one thing, one minor thing that I was sad about. Sad about on its own, and not because I was already sad from Kit.

  “Cake, I didn’t get to eat any cake,” I muttered.

  “Right, we can fix that,” he said, then yelled, “Jermaine get out here!”

  “Is it safe?” Jermaine yelled back.

  “Yes, it’s safe you idiot. Get out here.”

  I huffed fondly into his chest. Jermaine walked out and stood on one end of the couch.

  “Alright, what’s up?” he said.

  “I know it’s late, but can you make a run to the store for us?” Jake said.

  “What can you possibly need?” Jermaine said.

  “Cake.”

  Jermaine sighed that time and looked at me, “What kind do you want?”

  “Chocolate. Come on, Jer, it’s like you don’t even know me,” I said in a halfhearted attempt at joking.

  “Just thought I’d check. Never know, you might suddenly want lemon or something,” he said as he slid his shoes on and grabbed a jacket. “Do you lunatics need anything else while I’m out?”

  “Cheese fries?” I asked hopefully.

  “There’s tater tots in the freezer and we have a jar of cheese dip,” Jermaine said, “Is that good enough?”

  “Yep, thanks.”

  “Good. I’ll be back then.”

  When the door shut I sat up and said, “You know sugar doesn’t fix all my problems right?”

  “No, but it doesn’t hurt anything does it?”

  “Touché.”

  “If you want to keep talking about it, we can, but I think you’re better off leaving it until tomorrow at this point.”

  “No, you’re right. I know you are, but…” I was quiet for a moment then continued, “If he had done it on any other day it wouldn’t have been as big a deal. If he had just called me and told me what was going on today, I would’ve been okay with it. We could’ve still done something when he got off. I wouldn’t have minded. I know things happen. I know how he is about work. He’ll always give it more than he has too and that’s fine. And I know when your busy things slip your mind. I just… Why’d it all have to go wrong today?”

  “Because the world is a cruel place, sometimes. I’m not taking his side Riker, but I’m pretty sure he would never do this to you on purpose. However, he’s a major idiot for trying to defend himself instead of getting on his knees and groveling.”

  I knew he was right, again. That really was the problem here. Not that he forgot me, because deep down I knew logically with his explanation that it was possible, but that he tried to defend it. That I had to fight to get an apology out of him, instead of that being the first thing he said. But it was still fresh, and logic and rationality weren’t things I could do until my emotions settled and dulled around the edges a bit.

  “I’m cooking those tater tots for you. Then we’re going to either put in another movie, or play some video games, because as I said earlier, it’s your birthday and you should be trying to enjoy what’s left of it. Maybe I won’t be able to make you happy right now, but you sure as hell shouldn’t be thinking about sad things. So, I’m going to try my best here to distract you and entertain you, and tomorrow if you want to, we can discuss this all again.”

  He stood up and playfully ruffled my hair a little before heading for the kitchen. Briefly I looked at my phone. There were no messages from Kit. I sighed and dropped it into my bag where hopefully I wouldn’t be tempted to look at it unnecessarily. There were cheese fries, well cheese tots, and cake on the way, which was nice. I could focus on that for a little while.

  “Hey, Jake?” I said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Always Riker, always.”

  Jermaine walked back in right then balancing a cake and three drinks.

  “Here’s your cake. Jake, I got you a soda. And Riker I got you a slushee, because why not,” he said as he set everything down on the coffee table in front of me. I translated that into ‘because I don’t know how to help, but I’m trying.’ I smiled gratefully up at him and said, “Sit down and hang out with us?”

  “I don’t know, man.”

  “I promise I’m done being emotional for the night,” I said before reaching for the slushee and sucking down about five mouthfuls of it.

  “Well I’m not going to hold you to that,” he said as he gave in and sat down next to me.

  “Okay, then I’ll try to at least give you warning if I’m going to be emotional again.”

  “Works for me.”

  Jake came back over and sat down on my other side. He held out forks to both of us and said, “Let them eat cake.”

  I laughed but took the offered fork. Since he didn’t bring plates over, I assumed we were just going to have a free for all. Honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time we ate something like this. So, I carved out a decent forkful and started eating, Jake and Jermaine following suit.

  Chapter 52 - Riker

  March 24th, 2017

  The three of us were sitting around their living room just watching TV. I barely left the couch all day and once Jake and Jermaine had gotten back from class, they had gotten something cooking for dinner, then collapsed down next to me on the couch. At some point, there was a knock on the door.

  “Jake, door,” Jermaine said.

  Jake nudged Jermaine’s leg with his foot. “No, you get it.”

  Jermaine groaned, but got up anyway. As soon as the door clicked open, he all but growled, “What are you doing here?”

  “You know what I’m doing here.”

  I finally turned away from the TV and towards the door. It hadn’t been two full days and I already missed him, and I wanted to be in his presence again, but I was also dreading the conversation that was about to take place. I didn’t think he’d come to me, I thought I’d end up having to crack and go home and face the issue there, but he had come to me and I wasn’t entirely prepared for it. It was probably better this way though. If we had to wait for me to get ready for an emotional talk, then it might never have happened. Kit probably knew that. That was probably why he was here now.

  “Do I?” Jermaine asked him, going into full protective mode.

  “Come on, Jermaine. I need to talk to him.”

  I stood up and walked over there, looking over Jermaine’s shoulder. Kit looked as exhausted as I felt. I probably looked worse.

  “Can we talk? Please?” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  Jermaine turned on his heels to face me. “You sure?”

  I turned back to Kit and looked at him for a long second before saying “Yeah. I’ll be inside in a couple minutes.” I nudged him out of the way and out the front door shutting
the it behind me. Then I crossed my arms over my chest and said, “Okay, I’m listening.”

  “I’m sorry I forgot you. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and I haven’t stopped beating myself up about it. So, I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I didn’t understand why you were upset when we were fighting, and I’m sorry that of all the days for me to screw up it was yesterday. And I am so, so, sorry that I hurt you that way, because I know how much you hate the people you love not showing up for you. I don’t have an excuse for you, I really don’t know how I forgot you, but I love you, Riker and you always come first to me, no matter what. I promise, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “I don’t know if it’s that easy to forgive you right now,” I said down to my feet.

  “I know,” he said, smiled sadly, then held out two strips of paper to me. “I had bought these for your birthday ages ago, and whether you forgive me or not I want you to have them. No strings attached. I was going to take you but, take whoever you want, or give them away I don’t care, but they’re yours.”

  I looked down at the tickets in my hands and was speechless. It was tickets to a soccer match. They weren’t cheap ones, either.

  “How did you…?” I started to ask, but the words caught in my throat.

  “Set some money aside when I worked those holiday shifts.”

  “Kit…” I looked up at him not entirely sure what to say anymore. My emotions were all over the place again. On one hand it was the most perfect thing he could’ve gotten me, and I loved him so much right then, but on the other hand I still couldn’t bring myself to forgive him at that point. My heart was aching standing there holding those tickets and not letting myself hug him senseless for them.

  “I know,” he said kindly.

  I looked back down at the tickets, not really sure what to do.

  “Anyway, I gotta go. Enjoy those and I’m sorry.”

  I looked back up at him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, Ri.”

  I watched him leave, not going back inside until he drove away.

  When I went back inside and dropped down onto the couch, still staring at the tickets in my hands. We were in a fight and he still brought me the most perfect birthday gift ever. He had come and apologized without even pressuring me to make a decision right then and there or trying to defend himself at all. He didn’t even expect me to say anything at all. It was the perfect way to handle it all and I appreciated it immensely, but was it enough?

  My biggest problem was that I would’ve forgiven him for standing me up the way he did if he hadn’t tried to defend himself. I still would’ve been angry at him, but I wouldn’t be trying to work out whether to forgive him or not. But he did try to defend himself, he did try to say that we he did was okay. He had just apologized though, and I knew he meant it completely, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet.

  That, being stood up, hurt. The fight afterward had hurt worse. I definitely didn’t want us to end though. I loved him too much, and I knew he loved me more than life itself. Kit had never put a foot wrong with me before either. This was his first mistake. Did that give him a pass though?

  I jumped a little when Jake passed a bowl of rice and vegetables over my shoulder for me.

  “Oh, thanks. I kind of forgot about dinner.”

  “Yeah, I noticed. Are those tickets to the rivalry match?”

  “Yeah, courtesy of Kit.”

  “Damn. Your boy’s good.”

  “Isn’t he?” I set the tickets down and looked up at him. “Jake, would you forgive him?”

  “I don’t know, Riker. I didn’t hear whatever he said to you out there. All I know is he stood you up, you fought, then you came here, and now you’ve got those tickets.”

  “He said everything he should’ve. It was as perfect as an apology can get, even without the tickets.”

  “Buddy, I can’t and I won’t tell you what to do. I’ll back you with whatever decision you make even if that means you’re sleeping on my couch the rest of the year. Just do what’ll make you happy. Life’s too short to overthink or wonder what could’ve been.”

  Chapter 53 - Kit

  March 25th, 2017

  I heard the front door open and without thinking I stood up and bolted out of my room and into the living space, only halting when I saw Riker standing there. He could’ve been there for multiple reasons, including just picking up some more stuff before leaving again, so I was desperately trying to hold my hope in check as I stood there and waited for him to make a move. I looked him over though, trying to make sure he was okay and gauge his emotions and as I did, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled the two tickets out. Shit, he’s going to give them back to me, I thought.

  He hesitated for a moment, looking at them, before holding them up and looking at me, “You still want to take me?” he said. He sounded so unsure, but my heart soared right then, and relief washed over me.

  I smiled and said, “Yeah.” Then looked at the clock. “You know you’re cutting this real close. We have to leave like right now if you want to be on time.”

  “I’m ready if you are,” he said.

  “Go start the car. I’ll be there in two minutes.” I watched him grab my keys and rush out the door. As soon as he was out, I leaned against the walls and took a few deep breaths. It wasn’t over. I hadn’t completely screwed things up. This was my lifeline. Once I got my thudding heart under control, I slipped my shoes on grabbed my wallet and walked out to meet him.

  He was already in the passenger seat, the car was running and he was tapping his fingers along to the radio. I slid into the driver’s seat and asked one last time if he was ready.

  “Yep,” he said.

  An awkward silence filled the car after that as I pulled out of the parking lot and hit the road. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him glance over to me curiously a few times. I desperately wanted to fill the silence, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what was safe to say, because I didn’t know where we stood.

  “You don’t have to be so tense, Kit,” Riker said, his voice strangely calm, but not showing any emotion, good or bad.

  Was I tense? I hadn’t realized that, yeah, my muscles were all tensed up. I forced myself to relax then glanced over at him and decided I couldn’t put off asking the question I needed an answer to any longer, “Are we okay?”

  He tilted his head and tapped his fingers against the door for a few seconds before sighing, “Yeah, we’re good. I thought about it a lot after you left yesterday and, well, you’ve been so perfect to me as long as you’ve known me. You’ve never put a foot wrong until now, and I’m not happy about what happened, but you apologized, and it was sincere so I can’t go letting your first mistake ruin everything. I mean we’re all allowed mistakes every now and then, right? I’ve sure made a lot.”

  “Right. I am really sorry about it, Ri. I promise it won’t happen again.”

  “I know. I forgive you, and it’s not even because you bought me soccer tickets.”

  “Aww, bribed you for no reason,” I complained playfully.

  “Kit Adams, I love you.”

  “Love you too, Shahayer.” I said as I placed my hand in his, raised both of them to my lips, and kissed his hand, before dropping our joined hands back onto the center console. “You know if you ever want me to work less or something you just have to tell me, right?”

  “Yeah. It’s hardly going to make a difference once you get a real job is it? You can’t really work less in one of those.”

  “No, no you’re right, but I could take a day off occasionally and not bring work home if that’s something I ever end up doing. Can say no to working late if I have a choice.”

  “As long as you don’t lose your job trying to make me happy.”

  “You’re worth more to me than any job, Ri,” I tried to assure him.

  His voice grew a little distant again as he said, “I know, but you know, bills and all that.”

  Th
at confused me. Bills and things weren’t anything Riker worried about, even less so when they were my bills and not his. So, for lack of anything better to say I cautiously said, “I will never let us end up homeless if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “More worried about you going crazy without a steady income to keep your mind at ease.” I looked over at him and before I could respond he quickly added, “You know if I get to clingy you can tell me, and I’ll try and dial it back right?”

  I chuckled and released his hand to stroke his hair. “You’re not clingy, Ri, you’re cuddly and I happen to really like it, but I’ll keep it in mind.”

  “Alright well, you know if I do anything that does annoy you or whatever tell me. Please. I don’t ever want us to fight or end up hating each other because we didn’t tell each other things.”

  I frowned a little. Now he was worrying me. “Where did that come from?” I asked.

  “It’s just that for a while there I thought maybe you stood me up ‘cause you were annoyed at me for something and wanted time without me. It was a stupid thought, but my head wasn’t exactly on straight, but now just thinking that that could ever actually happens scares me.”

  “Oh, Ri. I’m sorry you thought that. I promise I’ll tell you anything I have to so that we never get to that point. And that goes for you too, you can tell me anything I do bothers you and I’ll listen. I don’t ever want to ruin us.” I wished I could’ve looked him in the eye as I said it, but unfortunately, I couldn’t, nor could I pull him into a hug, or lean over and kiss him. I’d have to make sure I did those things as soon as we parked. Instead, I dropped my hand from his hair and held it over his heart and said, “I’ll screw up from time to time, and I know you will too, we’re human it’s what we do, but nothing will ever change the fact that you’re my heart, my soul, my prince, and you always will be.”

  He placed a hand on top of mine and said, “You and me against the world. Right?”

  “Right,” I confirmed with a smile.

  The rest of the day was amazing. When we finally made it to the game, Riker was like a kid on a sugar high trying to buy even more sugar in a candy store. He was buzzing. I kept him as wrangled in as I could, but it was a lost cause, so I just watched him having the time of his life and smiled all while making sure he didn’t accidentally hurt himself. Once he was in his seat, I could relax, but he only grew more excited.