Mad About You

by Anna Premoli

  “They must have eaten - Giada is always hungry,” says Ale. Hah, the poor deluded thing.

  Vinny shakes her head. “Our dear friend here has spent the last few days trying to out-Basic Instinct Basic Instinct. Right?” she says, looking to me for confirmation.

  I’ve never seen Basic Instinct in my life, but the memory of everything Ari did to me in the shower makes me blush such a ridiculous red there’s not much point me lying. I give a distraught sigh. God, am I turning into one of those bloody annoying sentimental women?

  “You’re... not wrong,” I confess after a moment’s hesitation. I choose to be sincere because I need to confide. I need my friends to force me to start thinking straight and to put me back on the right path. I want someone to come and shake me hard and tell me to stop with all this nonsense. Ari and I are just giving vent to a physical attraction that has been there for quite a while. Of course, in the meantime we have become colleagues and friends, so the sexual side complicates things a lot, but I’m sure that with a little goodwill we’ll manage to return to some form of normality. Whatever that is.

  “But he’ll soon get fed up of it...” I say, to try and convince both me and them.

  Vinny bursts out laughing. “Bullshit! You don’t court someone the way Ari did you, and take them to your holiday home – your family holiday home, by the way - just because you want a bit of fun. He wants a serious relationship. Very serious, I would say, if you really want my opinion. Which I imagine you probably don’t, eh?” she laughs.

  “What do you mean, serious?! My most pressing problem is not being able to stop kissing him. It’s like a bloody drug. He sticks his tongue in my mouth for half a second and pow... I start tearing off my clothes and jump into his arms as if that was the only thing I knew how to do. It’s pathetic. Or rather, I’m pathetic,” I say, grabbing hold of a couple of handfuls of my hair and tugging hard.

  “That’s a pretty crude way of describing the issue, but it’s effective, I’ll give you that!” Ale laughs.

  “I mean, you two don’t seriously expect me to turn into some stupid little romantic now, do you? I’ve always been true to myself and I’m planning on staying that way.”

  My face must look totally manic. I don’t really feel as though I’m in control of the situation.

  “Calm down!” cries Vinny. “What would be so wrong with you and Ari being together? After all, of the three of us, you’re the one who has the most experience about how to make a serious relationship work.”

  I blink in disbelief.

  “Lavinia, hello? You do realize that in all likelihood Fil and I had less sex in the last two years than Ari and me did in one weekend?” It’s sad to admit it, but it’s true.

  “Come on, it was a long weekend,” Ale tries to reassure me. “And anyway, the sex is always amazing at the beginning...”

  “True,” I agree, “but the problem here isn’t just sex. Or the fact that for once sex isn’t the problem. Even though I was with Fil, us living in two different cities and each having our own commitments allowed me to get used to my independence. I had no one to be accountable to, no one to plan my week with. Don’t you realise that Ari could never be the kind of person who would give me my space?”

  Ari wouldn’t recognise the concept of emotional distance even if it knocked on his front door.

  Lavinia reflects for a while. “Okay, yeah, Ari doesn’t seem like the type of person who’d be comfortable giving you your space. He seems like the type of guy who would want to live together right away, the type of guy who wants to do everything together, the type of guy who’ll only go away if you go with him, etcetera etcetera...”

  I shudder at the thought.

  “I find that combination of the words ‘live’ and ‘together’ profoundly disturbing. Can we avoid using them? “

  “Living together is wonderful, if you love each other,” says Vinny, who is leaving for the United States with Seb at the end of her studies. They’ll be living together and, if I am allowed to take a guess, they’ll get married soon too. He loves her in that obsessive way he does everything else, and she’d jump into the fire for him on the spot. I’ve never seen two people so much in love in my life - they’re so bloody sweet together that just being around them has probably given me tooth decay.

  “Please, tell me he’s not going to fall in love with me ...” I beg her, almost sobbing. That’s been my biggest fear since I got back. Ari can’t feel anything like love for me, that would be the beginning of the end. He’s a wonderful human being, but sometimes he’s just too intense, and I get too intense myself when we’re together. I’m not used to feeling like this, living with that perennial knot in my stomach and missing someone I last saw just a few hours ago. Heck, hours, not months! How pathetic is that on a scale of one to ten? A thousand?

  “Well... in my opinion he’s already in love with you,” Ale confesses to me in a low voice.

  I take a very, very deep breath. “What?”

  “Calm down, take it easy...” suggests Vinny. She turns to Alessandra. “Ale, you can’t just come out with stuff like that, you’ll make her pass out.”

  “Well, she asked for an opinion...”

  “No, she wants us to lie,” says Lavinia. “So we will lie.”

  “Are you two kidding me?” I ask agitatedly. “Are you both convinced of this now?”

  No, no, nooo... this is no good at all!

  “Listen, Giada, it’s not like his doctor ordered him to get close to you for his health or something. If he ends up falling in love with you, or if he’s already in love, that’s his business. He’s not a child. What interests us as your friends is what you feel for him. If you’ve no intention of putting your heart into it but only your body, that’s your business. Maybe tell him, so that things are clear between you, but then that’s that. The world is full of people who fall in love with people who aren’t in love with them. That’s just the way life goes. And that’s why, as far as I’m concerned, two people being in love at the same time is practically a miracle. I’m well aware that I ought to thank the heavens every day for what’s happened to me, and sometimes I actually do. And not just because Seb has made my life complete, but also because he came at a time when I was ready for a change. Your respective needs have to coincide, because if they don’t, it’s just not destined to happen.”

  I stare at Lavinia for a long time. The girl has turned into a genius. Really, Seb’s influence is so evident in her behaviour that she barely seems the same person she was a few months ago. She’s totally right that your respective needs must coincide. Because love transforms you, permanently, and I’m almost certain I don’t have the slightest intention of changing.

  And, to be honest, I’m fine with it.

  *

  When I get home a little after eleven that evening, I am astonished to find Ari sitting outside the front door of my building. For once he’s not wearing a shirt, just a bog-standard tracksuit, but it doesn’t matter because he still looks amazing.

  “Bertha, don’t you have a home anymore?” I smile, trying to joke. But my heart started pounding as soon as I realized who it was.

  Seriously, I’m not in my right mind.

  He stands up and smiles back at me. He is holding a bag. “My house felt very empty,” he says, as if this were a sufficient motivation. “So I thought I’d invite myself over after soccer.”

  How the hell can I keep a level head on my shoulders if Ari is going to keep playing these tricks? It’s one thing to keep temptation at bay knowing he is at home, it’s quite another being able to refuse him when he is standing right in front of me and looking at me like he can’t wait to jump on top of me. “Ari, at the risk of repeating myself, didn’t we agree to take this slowly? Without forcing things?”

  We said goodbye seven hours ago.

  Seven.

  Sometimes hours can seem like an eternity, but this is getting out of hand.

  When he holds out his palm towards me, I let myself b
e grasped by the waist, not being able to resist clutching his neck. Finally, I stand on tiptoe to kiss him.

  Maybe I should sign up for a course on controlling your impulsivity or something.

  With me wearing a pair of flat-soled ballerinas, the difference in height between us is more evident than usual. I’d need a ladder to look into his eyes.

  “I swear I’m not trying to force your hand,” he reassures me when he’s only a few inches from my mouth. “But I missed you.”

  I missed him too, damn it, but I’d rather jump off a balcony than admit it. If only there were a balcony handy.

  Of course, since he’s here now, I feel bad sending him back home.

  “Sooooo, do you want to come up?” I ask him when he starts kissing my neck. I have a reputation as an ice maiden with my neighbours that I want to defend – it would be embarrassing to get caught making out by the front door.

  “I was hoping you’d ask...” he says, taking my hand and waiting for me to open the door.

  We hurry upstairs to my apartment and once inside, Ari drops his bag with a bang, takes my face in his hands and pins me against the front door, then gives me such a perfect kiss that I can’t help but putting my leg around his. You never know: he might come to his senses and run away. Luckily for me, it seems he isn’t planning on escaping: he sweeps me up off the ground and carries me over to the bed, then rapidly frees himself of tracksuit top and t-shirt, leaving only the bottoms on. The hell with that: this evening, neither of us seem to have much patience and I see no reason to wait. I undress him and he does the same to me. In a frenzy of movement we find ourselves naked and entwined around one another. I try to climb on top of him, but Ari gives me a questioning look. “Not that I have anything against you being on top, but you don’t like being on the bottom on principle or is there some specific reason?”

  I imagined he would ask me sooner or later. “You’ll probably think it’s strange, but I feel much more at ease if I set the pace.”

  “And you like being in control...” he adds with a smile.

  “Yes, in every part of my life.”

  “Do you trust me?” he asks suddenly, becoming almost serious as he waits for the answer.

  “Let’s just say that I trust you more than almost everyone else, but you must have realised by now that me and trust don’t exactly have an idyllic relationship...” I try to explain. I know, I’m complicated.

  “That’s not an answer,” he says, tactfully.

  “Ok, I trust you,” I sigh. And the really extraordinary thing is I actually think I do. I’m as surprised as anyone. For once I might actually allow myself to be a little less of a control freak.

  Ari walks off to get a condom and then hands it to me while he sits down on the bed.

  “Just to be clear, I trust you too,” he tells me. “Trust must always be mutual.”

  Not knowing what else to say, I open the packet and put the condom on him. He closes his eyes, clearly savouring my touch, then grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me down while I welcome him inside me. The feeling is so wonderful that I’m almost paralysed. I let my hands slide over his back, tracing the outline of his spine with my fingers, stroking his pectorals and finally finishing my journey by grabbing his buttocks and pushing him inside me.

  “Giada...” he murmurs, kissing me. With one hand he leans on the mattress and with the other he caresses first my thigh, then my chest and finally my breast. My legs imprison him, further intensifying our union. Just when I come to think that we can’t get any closer, Ari imperceptibly lifts my backside and our bodies slide even deeper into one another. A sensual moan escapes both of us, and we find ourselves smiling at each other.

  “Are you okay?” he murmurs.

  “Never been better,” I confess with a laugh.

  “Good. Well, I’m sorry to contradict you, but you’re about to be even better...” And so saying he starts to move, rising and then thrusting forcefully back inside me.

  How right he was... My hand hooks his neck and pulls his mouth back to mine, causing the tension between us to explode completely. There is no more time for self-control, and our kisses are increasingly chaotic: a frenzied clashing of tongues and teeth while our rhythm grows faster and faster until we both realize there isn’t much time left. And we let ourselves go.

  It takes a long time for my mind to start working again and when it does, I’m not sure it’s the same as before. I feel different and it unnerves me.

  “Bertha, I know it’s not the ideal time for bringing it up but I must warn you that I have no intention of falling in love with you,” I proclaim before I can bite my tongue.

  And the prize for the worst timing in history goes to... Giada Borghi!

  In my defence, this unnatural and totally over-the-top attraction is doing my head in. This kind of complicity cannot be normal, or healthy. People can’t live like this, it’s impossible.

  Ari, who is still trying to get his breathing back to normal, lifts his head from my shoulder and stares at me with watchful eyes. He blinks several times and then raises a doubtful eyebrow.

  “Oooookay...” he says, almost as though he’s playing for time. He gets up from the bed and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, it’s clear he has had the opportunity to think better. “I’m sorry, I must be a little slow or something, but I don’t really get it. What did you mean with your last statement?”

  His voice sounds overly-controlled, a sign that he’s actually boiling inside.

  “My friends told me I need to be completely honest with you. And I’m trying to be, so I’ll tell you now, before it’s too late, that I don’t want to fall in love with you. It has to be clear.”

  Ari clenches his jaw doubtfully.

  “Wow... I wish I could say something intelligent, but I’m completely speechless. Can I ask why?”

  I cover myself with the sheet and sit up.

  “Because it would be really, really stupid of me. First: I’ve just come out of a long relationship and I’m not looking for another one. Second: my parents would absolutely love you.”

  His bitter smile tells me he is starting to understand.

  “And you couldn’t allow that. I mean, you’d never want to do anything your parents might approve of...”

  This time his tone is sarcastic and rather cutting.

  “If it got serious between us, they’d never stop saying ‘See, Giada, your father and I were right!’ It would be a nightmare. I haven’t spent the last ten years trying to show them how wrong they were with me to go and give in to them right at the end.” I desperately need him to understand that I have nothing against him - quite the contrary, in fact - but that I have some personal battles I need to conclude. I’ve spent too much time and effort fighting them to give up now.

  “I’m sorry Giada, but who the hell cares about your parents!” he mutters angrily. “They’re not in bed with us, are they? And they aren’t there when we work, or when we’re having fun.”

  “No, but it’s like I can still feel them there. We live in two different cities, but sooner or later they would know. Especially because my friends reckon you’re the type of guy who would want us to live together.”

  His eyes widen in surprise and he sits there motionless staring at me in amazement. For a moment I suspect he’s going to deny it, but then he snorts in annoyance.

  “And what if I am? What the hell is wrong with wanting to sleep beside your girlfriend every night? Eating together, shopping together, cooking together?”

  The correct answer is there’s nothing wrong with it, but he’s making assumptions on the basis of an ideal world, without any external interference. He and I aren’t an island, whether he wants to recognize it or not. The outside world conditions us more than we’re ready to admit.

  “Look, I really didn’t mean to ruin this moment...” I say, trying to backtrack.

  “That’s not how it looks to me ...” he says sarcastically with a rather intense expression on his face.
Okay, he’s really pissed off, I can tell, but it’s time for him to slowly get his head around the idea that this thing between us can only continue if we both know exactly what to expect from each other. The only thing I want to do now is graduate without any hitches. I don’t want drama, I don’t want my heart pounding all the time, I don’t want to float on a bloody heart-shaped pink cloud and above all I don’t want to feel that my happiness depends exclusively on one person. Not anymore.

  “Ari, honestly, I didn’t want to fight. But you’re pressing down on the accelerator and I sometimes feel like I’m at the centre of a whirlwind I can’t get out of,” I try to explain. It’s extremely difficult, because he is taking everything personally. Even though he is trying to control his anger and disappointment, I can still see it in his eyes.

  “Ok,” he sighs, head down, after a moment. “Demanding everything is a bit of a flaw that I have,” he admits.

  “And not wanting to be swept away is a flaw of mine,” I confess. “So, let’s say one-all and ball back at the centre of the pitch, ok?”

  Ari seems to have calmed down a bit. He sits back down next to me after putting his briefs and tracksuit back on and takes my hand.

  “Okay. Even because, to tell the truth, you have every right not to fall in love with me. I might not like it, but it’s not up to me.”

  “Thanks,” I reply, touched. “We are great together, I’m not denying it. And I’m not pretending there isn’t chemistry between us either. There is... remarkable chemistry. But, as they say, keeping things clear makes for long-lasting friendships.”

  He finishes dressing and then bends down to kiss me. “Look, I do understand what you’re saying. I get it.” His smile is a little sad, but I appreciate his words. “But just like you have your rules, I have mine: and I don’t want to hold back, okay? I don’t want to not do something I really feel just because it might freak you out or you might think it was over the top. I’m telling you this with absolutely frankness, Giada: I have felt like this so few times in my life that I have no intention of pretending otherwise.” And to emphasize the concept, he kisses me again.