Defy

by Sara B. Larson

  He shook his head and turned away.

  We each took a side of the stretcher and hefted her up into the air. Rylan was across from me and Damian was in front. Lisbet tried to help across from Damian, but she wasn’t nearly as strong as me, let alone the two men. I was afraid she’d tire soon, leaving Damian to shoulder half the stretcher alone.

  Sheets of water poured down from the roiling black clouds above as we moved forward, across the stream and into the trees where the army had come from. No one was there anymore, other than Eljin and his men and us.

  “You’d better appreciate this,” I muttered under my breath as thunder cracked overhead.

  When we finally stopped for the night, the storm had quit, but the clouds remained, murky and startlingly close to the earth, encasing the tops of the trees in their dark, swirling depths.

  My whole body hurt when we set Tanoori on the ground. My back was one huge knot of pain and my right arm cramped from moving out of the same position after hours of holding up the stretcher. Jax had been farther ahead in line, and he and some of the other men had already set up Lisbet’s tent. We moved Tanoori inside, and Lisbet immediately began to hover over her.

  Damian, Rylan, and I all stood in a row, watching her work, until she paused and looked up at us. “This is going to take a long time, especially since the bloodroot isn’t entirely out of my system. You’d best go find some food and somewhere to sleep. We’ll know by morning if she’s going to make it.”

  I stared at her in confusion. “What do you mean the bloodroot’s not out of your system? What does that have to do with healing her?”

  Lisbet ignored me and kept tending to Tanoori.

  I turned to Damian. “Do you know what she’s talking about?”

  He shrugged. His expression was inscrutable in the dim light as he gazed back at me. “We should go so she can work,” he said.

  I glanced down at Tanoori. Her face was so peaceful, she looked like she could be sleeping, except for the ghostly pallor her skin had taken.

  “Come on, he’s right. Let’s go.” Rylan pressed his hand gently to my lower back, steering me out of the tent. I could feel the heat of his fingers through my wet tunic.

  “Where will you sleep?” Damian asked, glancing down to where Rylan’s hand still rested on me, then back up at my face. “I believe we used your tent poles for the stretcher?”

  Rylan dropped his hand and sighed. “I’ve been trying to figure that out. I’m sorry, Alex, but I think we’re going to be sleeping out in the open from now on.”

  “You can share my tent,” Damian said quickly, looking at Rylan, then at me. “It’ll be a bit tight, but better than nothing, I suppose.”

  Without waiting for a response, he turned and strode away.

  “That was unexpectedly kind of him,” Rylan observed. “It’s like he’s a completely different person now. I don’t get it.”

  I shrugged. “I guess we all have our secrets.”

  Rylan gave me a strange look. He was still shirtless, and he stood close enough that I felt all too aware of his proximity — and of his nakedness. He was built differently from Damian. Where the prince was lean and defined, Rylan was more solid, his arms were thicker and his chest broader. I knew from years of sparring with him exactly how strong he was. I had never let myself notice his body like this before — at least not for long. However, in all that time, he’d never looked at me as he was now, either.

  Fighting a blush, I said, “You should go find a shirt and I’ll see if I can get us some food. Then I guess we’ll have to figure out where Damian’s tent is.”

  Rylan didn’t say anything; he just stood there, looking at me. “Do you like him, Alex?” he finally asked, his voice unnaturally strained.

  My heart skipped a beat. “The prince? Well, I don’t hate him anymore, I guess. He’s different now, like you said. It’s easier to guard a prince I can respect rather than a useless, spoiled brat, like before.” I smiled, attempting to be lighthearted, but Rylan frowned back.

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  The smile slipped from my face and I shifted uncomfortably.

  “I’ve noticed the way you look at him. I don’t want you to get hurt. He might be acting friendly at the moment, telling us to call him by his first name, offering to let us sleep in his tent, but he’s a prince, Alex. That will never change.”

  “You think I don’t know that? I’m not stupid, Rylan.”

  “I didn’t mean that —”

  “And it doesn’t matter, because I don’t look at him any differently than anyone else. I know he’s our prince. I’m in his guard, remember? Just because you both know I’m a girl now doesn’t change anything.”

  “I promised your brother I’d watch out for you.” Rylan lifted his hand to brush a stray lock of hair from my cheek. Ignoring the rush of warmth from his touch, I stepped back.

  “You aren’t my brother, so stop trying to act like you are.”

  Rylan’s jaw tightened. “I’m not trying to act like your brother, Alexa. Has it ever occurred to you that I might care about you? That maybe I’ve been fighting an attraction to you that I couldn’t let anyone know about, least of all you, for years? I had to make sure I never looked at you too long or reached out to touch you, even though I wanted to. So many times, I can’t even count.”

  The artery in my neck pounded beneath my skin, and I felt light-headed with shock. Rylan’s eyes were bright, almost fevered in the darkness as he spoke.

  “Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep pretending, to bury how I really felt, knowing I’d never be able to do anything about it without endangering you? And now I finally have a chance to treat you the way you deserve — to cherish you the way a woman should be when a man loves her. And all you can do is stare at the prince.”

  “Rylan …” I looked at him, stricken. My eyes burned and my throat felt suddenly dry. He was wrong, I didn’t only think of Damian. Before I’d found out about this other side to the prince, there had only been Rylan. But I wasn’t sure how I felt anymore. Everything was changing so fast, I couldn’t find solid ground. I felt like I was sliding down a slope, hurtling toward an abyss.

  “Forget I said anything,” he said, taking a step back. “I shouldn’t have told you. It’s just been building up inside of me for so long, and when you nearly got killed today … I couldn’t keep it in anymore.”

  “I nearly got killed?”

  “Prince Damian saved you, remember? I couldn’t get there fast enough. Good thing he’s been hiding the fact that he’s an expert swordsman from all of us until now.”

  “Oh. Yes,” I replied lamely. I actually had forgotten, with everything else that had happened. But now the memory of that moment surged up, the shock of Damian’s agility and skill with a sword.

  “I’d better go find a shirt,” Rylan said and he turned to leave.

  “Rylan, wait!”

  But he ignored me and strode away.

  I WAITED AS LONG as I could to go to bed, even though I was almost falling over with exhaustion. The thought of facing either Rylan or Prince Damian — let alone sleeping by both of them — right now was enough to make me contemplate taking my chances curled up underneath a tree. I went to check on Lisbet and Tanoori again, but Lisbet shooed me away without giving me an update, leaving me with no other option except to slowly make my way to Prince Damian’s tent, near the front of the line.

  Mist curled along the ground in the darkness, winding between tree trunks and bushes, stretching diaphanous fingers up the sides of the tent as I stood before it, trying to gather my courage. Damian was correct when he said Antion was beautiful. Beautiful and deadly. But the jungle seemed like the safer option compared to what awaited me inside that tent.

  Stop it. You’re not going to stand out here all night, hyperventilating, I told myself firmly. Pull it together and go inside so you can get some rest.

  It was completely silent; maybe they were both asleep already. I took a deep br
eath and opened the flap.

  Prince Damian and Rylan sat on opposite sides of the tent, wide awake. The space in between them, which I presumed was for me, was big enough for someone Jax’s size. I almost turned around and walked out again to take my chances with the snakes and jaguars, but then Damian stood up.

  “Would you like some help with your bedroll?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thank you, my lord,” I said, with a pointed glance in Rylan’s direction.

  He wouldn’t meet my gaze, and my stomach clenched. But Damian looked straight at me, and his expression was one of confusion, even hurt.

  This was a disaster.

  I hurried to spread out my bedroll and lay down, trying to make myself as small as possible. Rylan stretched out on his side next to me, making an obvious effort to stay on the far edge of his bedroll, pressing his body right up into the fabric of the tent. But it didn’t matter; the space was so small, we were still only separated by a foot at most. I scooted away from him a bit, trying to give him more space. But then Damian lay down on the extra bedroll he’d managed to find, and the entire lengths of our bodies were suddenly touching. Something deep inside of me responded to the feel of him against me and though I knew I should move away, I didn’t. My stomach tightened with awareness of every part of us that connected — his arm against my arm, his leg against my leg. If I turned my face, would our lips touch?

  My heart racing, I shifted my body away, to the direct center of my mat, lying flat on my back with my arms folded across my chest, staring up at the top of the tent.

  “Alex,” Damian spoke, his voice low.

  Hesitantly, I turned my head toward him. Even though I’d moved, his face was still so close to mine that my breath caught in my throat. He stared into my eyes for a moment, looking troubled. He glanced past me to where Rylan lay with his back turned to us, then his gaze returned to me. Finally, Damian said, “Thank you for saving my life today.”

  I swallowed once, trying not to get lost in the depths of his blue eyes. “You saved me, as well.”

  Damian’s gaze didn’t waver from mine. “Yes. I did.”

  I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and my whole body hummed with a strange kind of energy. Of … of … something. I didn’t know what. But I was also very aware of Rylan lying behind me, listening to every word. I felt like a bowstring pulled so taut, I might break with any more pressure. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew how to fight?” I couldn’t keep the hurt from my voice.

  Damian hesitantly lifted his hand; his fingers trailed across my jaw. “It was necessary to keep it a secret. I wasn’t planning on revealing myself, but when I saw that soldier rushing toward you …” His thumb brushed my parted lips and his gaze dropped to my mouth.

  I couldn’t breathe. I wanted him to keep touching me; I wanted to feel his whole body against mine again. But Rylan was here. Rylan was listening. Rylan, who had cared for me all along.

  “Thank you,” I said, my voice unsteady, and somehow I made myself move and turn away from his touch to stare at the tent again, my heart hammering. Rylan’s back was still turned to me, but I could see how stiff he was, as if every muscle in his body was clenched.

  “I hope you are able to rest well, Alex,” Damian said.

  “You, too,” I said, making myself close my eyes, to pretend I was going to sleep. But inside, I thought, Rest well? Is he serious?

  It was going to be a long night.

  I was shocked when the sound of a bird somewhere close by woke me up, just before dawn. Somehow, I’d managed to drift off after hours of hardly daring to breathe, let alone move. I’d ended up on my side, facing Rylan. He’d also rolled over in his sleep, and his arm rested against mine. His mouth was slightly parted in sleep, his face relaxed. His jaw was obscured by the ever-thickening stubble on his face.

  I could feel Damian on the other side of me as well. I turned to look and saw that he was on his stomach, his arm and leg only inches from me, his head turned toward me. He, too, had over a week’s worth of stubble. His face was completely relaxed; the tightness that nearly always lingered around the corners of his mouth and eyes was gone. He looked much younger when he was asleep. Watching him made my heart pick up speed. I found myself blushing when, just for a moment, I imagined what it would feel like to have his lips touch mine. Before I remembered what Rylan had said to me the night before.

  Why was I even letting myself think about touching — or kissing — the prince? I could never be his queen. It was foolish and stupid to even let myself dream of kissing him. It wasn’t like I could suddenly throw on a dress and hope he would court me. My life depended on continuing to maintain the pretense of being a boy, if we ever made it back to the palace.

  But maybe you won’t, another voice inside me responded. Maybe you won’t ever make it back, and this will be your only chance to feel like a girl. To kiss a boy. And not just any boy. To kiss a prince.

  And then I wanted to smack myself. Tanoori was right. I was a harlot.

  Moving as slowly as possible, trying to be completely silent, I inched my way over to the flaps. I had to get out of the tent before either of them woke up.

  When I finally made it out into the muggy morning air and the gray light of yet another dawn in the jungle, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. I headed for Lisbet’s tent, nodding at the few men who were already up, preparing our meager breakfast before we broke camp and moved out. I noticed Eljin standing by a larger tent, in deep discussion with two other men, and I picked up my pace, not wanting to have another encounter with him.

  Jax was already digging in the dirt outside his mother’s tent with a stick as I approached, but when he saw me, he jumped up and ran to give me a hug.

  I awkwardly hugged him back, surprised by the gesture.

  “I’m glad you didn’t die yesterday,” he said, as he pulled away and looked up at me. He had beautiful blue eyes, nothing like Lisbet’s. I wondered where his father was — who his father was. I wondered why Lisbet was with us at all. So many unanswered questions. It made my head hurt.

  “I wasn’t going to die. Who told you that?”

  “No one. I was watching from the trees where Mama told me to hide.” He scuffed his foot against the dirt. “I saw Damian save you. Mama said he exposed his secret because he cared too much about you to let you die. She said love can either make a person stronger or weaker, and she hasn’t decided if he’s getting stronger or weaker yet.”

  I stared down at Jax with my heart in my throat. There was something familiar about the way he looked at me in that moment, in the way his eyes pierced mine even though he was only a child.

  “I … I … ah …”

  “Jax.” Lisbet parted the opening to the tent, saving me from having to answer. “Run along and find us some breakfast before we have to pack up to go again.”

  “Yes, Mama.” He lifted his eyebrows at me, then turned on his heel and dashed off.

  Lisbet’s arms were folded across her chest as she gazed at me, her dark eyes guarded in the growing light as the sun slowly woke up behind us.

  “You knew about Prince Damian’s secret?” I finally asked. “You knew he could fight?”

  She didn’t respond.

  “How? How do you know him? Why are you here with us and what do they want with him?”

  Her eyes narrowed. I felt like she was trying to search me with the intensity of her gaze. “Did you come to see how Tanoori is?” she responded at last, parting the tent flaps again.

  Frustrated, I followed her in to see Tanoori lying on the ground, still pale, with a sheen of sweat on her face and chest.

  “Why does she still look so … sick?”

  Lisbet knelt down and wiped a damp cloth across Tanoori’s forehead. “Healing is a very difficult and draining type of sorcery. I used up much of my strength healing you and Rylan, and I’m weary from this journey. And as I said, the bloodroot still isn’t completely out of my system. I’m doing all that I can for h
er, but I don’t know if it will be enough.”

  “Isn’t bloodroot used to treat wounds? Why would it have anything to do with your ability to heal her?”

  Lisbet shook her head sadly. “The people of Antion are regretfully ignorant of many things.”

  I glared at her in consternation, about to demand she give me a real answer when she continued, “Yes, it can be used to help staunch the flow of blood in a wound. But when bloodroot is ingested by a sorcerer, it suppresses their magical abilities. I took it for quite some time to protect myself while in Antion.”

  “So you are a sorceress. I knew it.” Was the bloodroot Damian had me gather meant for her? They certainly seemed to know each other — and yet, I wondered how.

  Lisbet gave me a sharp look. “There are all sorts of magic in this world. You would do well to learn that.”

  “I don’t agree with the king,” I said quickly. “I don’t think all sorcery is evil.” Most of it, yes. But not all. How could it be, when the only reason I was still alive was because of a sorceress just like Lisbet?

  “Then maybe you’re smarter than he is. But don’t underestimate him — and don’t believe everything you hear. No matter the source.”

  “Do you always talk in riddles?” I sat down on the other side of Tanoori, across from Lisbet, and took the rag so I could wipe it across Tanoori’s feverish brow.

  Lisbet laughed once, a mirthless sound. “No. I didn’t use to. But I’ve had to learn some tricks over the years to keep myself safe.”

  I paused to look up at her again. “How do you know Damian?”

  She gave me a sharp look. “I believe you are discovering a new side to him, are you not?”

  I rolled my eyes at her nonanswer but nodded.

  “He looks at you differently, Alexa. He risked himself — exposed himself — for you. He is a powerful man, with the weight of a nation on his shoulders. He can’t afford to make mistakes because of his feelings for a pretty face.”

  “Are you saying saving me was a mistake?”