Defy

by Sara B. Larson

  I stared up at her, my chest tight. Before I could respond, there was a knock at the door.

  “That’ll be one of your suitors, I’m sure. They’ve both been pacing holes into the ground. I wouldn’t let them come in until you’d had a chance to rest and heal up a bit.” Lisbet stood up. “Would you like to see them now?”

  Panic clutched my chest again. How could I face either of them?

  Rylan would never forgive me. After all the years he’d protected me, for Marcel, I’d failed to save Jude.

  Or Damian — he’d take one look at me and retreat in horror; my scars were surely worse than Eljin’s. And he was the king now. He shouldn’t be bothering with me; he had a country to run — to heal.

  Lisbet stepped closer to me again when there was another knock. “You’ll have to face them sometime, but if you don’t feel up to it now, I’ll tell them to give you another night to rest.”

  I nodded gratefully, not even daring to speak. When had I become such a coward? But I couldn’t deny the relief when she cracked the door open and quietly said something before shutting it again.

  When she walked back over and sat down next to me on the bed, I took a deep breath. “I want to see myself,” I said.

  She gave me a searching look, and then nodded. “Okay. That’s probably a good place to start.”

  She rose and moved away, then returned, holding a hand mirror. I took it from her with trembling fingers. I held it down on my lap for a long time, too scared to look.

  “I’ll go find you some dinner,” Lisbet said, “if you would like some time alone.”

  I nodded again, grateful for her sensitivity.

  She walked across the room, and then paused by the door. “Don’t hold it against him,” she said suddenly.

  “What?” I asked, confused.

  “Against Damian. Don’t hold it against him for not telling you that he was a sorcerer. I spent his whole life ingraining in him that he could never, ever tell anyone. He took bloodroot every day of his life until he left the palace to suppress it so that Iker wouldn’t sense him and have him killed — or worse. I tried to train him when he came to me, but he had to work so hard to make anything happen, since he was purposefully poisoning himself.” Lisbet’s voice broke and my heart constricted. The bloodroot I’d gathered … I had been sure it was for Lisbet. But I’d been wrong — again. “His life has been nothing short of hell. He’s had no one, except for me, he could talk to or trust. Until you came into his life and he started to fall for you. I thought he was using you at first — that he was trying to make you care for him so you would do what he wanted. But, now … please don’t break his heart.”

  I stared at her, stricken.

  “I’m sorry. Forgive me for meddling. I just … I care for him as if he were my own son. I loved his mother so dearly….” She broke off again. After clearing her throat and dashing her fingers against her eyes, she nodded. “Right. I’ll go get that food now.”

  She slipped out of the door, leaving me alone with her words hanging in the air and the mirror in my cold hands.

  My heart pounded as I sat up in Damian’s bed, staring at the back of the mirror. I tried to summon the courage to look, replaying what Lisbet had said to me over and over in my mind. I was upset at Damian for not telling me — for keeping what had to be the biggest secret of all. That had to be why he’d known I was a girl; just like every other sorcerer I met. He’d had the chance to tell me in the corridor on our last night in Blevon, hadn’t he? Or had we heard the people coming too soon? Even if he didn’t have time then, there had been other opportunities.

  But that wasn’t the true problem.

  It was the same realization I’d come to in General Tinso’s castle, when we’d been alone in the room together.

  There was no future for us.

  I was not the one who would become his queen.

  I clutched the mirror tightly. Maybe it wouldn’t matter anyway. Maybe I was so hideous now that he would take one look at me and decide he didn’t care about me anymore. Only love — true, unwavering love — could remain unblemished in the face of the horror I was sure to see when I lifted this mirror. And though I’d told him that I loved him, he’d never repeated it back to me. He’d told me he cared about me. That he wanted to be with me. But did he love me?

  When he walked in here and saw me, I’d know.

  “Let’s get this over with already,” I finally said out loud to myself. “You’re being ridiculous. It’s just a face.”

  I took a deep breath and held it, then brought up the mirror to see how bad it was.

  My eyes widened and then filled with tears as I stared at myself. All my life, I’d seen my twin in my reflection.

  The face I saw now didn’t look a thing like Marcel. The right side, yes. But the left … My tears spilled out and ran down my cheeks, leaving wet streaks on the silvery, ridged scars that covered my left cheek, trailed across my jaw and down my neck, plunging beneath the neckline of my nightgown and out of sight. At least my mouth hadn’t been affected, or my eye.

  I turned the mirror around and set it down as far away from me as possible on the bed.

  Lisbet had tried her hardest, I was sure. But I would always be a walking reminder of the horrors Antion had suffered under King Hector and Iker’s rule.

  I was a monster — made by the hand of the true monster.

  When I heard Lisbet opening the door, I flung myself down on the bed and pretended to be asleep. I couldn’t bear to face her, not yet. Not when I knew how bad my grief would make her feel.

  I never wanted to see my face again. And I never wanted anyone else to see it, either.

  I HELD RYLAN AND Damian off for three days, making Lisbet send them away again and again. But finally, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to come out sometime; I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life holed up in the prince’s room. I wondered if he was using the king’s rooms now, or if they held too many horrible memories for him. Maybe I was causing him to suffer by not letting him take back his old room.

  With that thought in mind, I nodded when Lisbet said, “The king is here to see you … again,” on the fourth morning.

  “She will see you now, Your Majesty.” Lisbet bowed and opened the door wider. I turned my face away, so that he wouldn’t see the ruined side yet, but I heard him say, “Lisbet, please, you don’t need to do all that.”

  I remembered how I used to think it was an act when he’d tell us he didn’t like having us bow and use titles to address him. It made me flush with embarrassment, now that I knew how wrong I’d been about him.

  “I’ll give you some privacy,” Lisbet said, and I heard the door shut, leaving me alone with Damian. The king of Antion.

  He was silent for a long time. I could feel his gaze on me, but he didn’t come closer. Was he afraid to see what I looked like?

  At last, I heard him take a hesitant step forward. “Alexa … would you like me to leave?” He sounded so concerned, so unsure of himself.

  I shook my head.

  “May I … may I come sit by you?”

  I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I clutched my hands in my lap. They were cold and yet slick with sweat. “Of course, Your Majesty,” I said, my voice shaky.

  “Not from you, please, Alexa. I’m Damian to you still, aren’t I?” I heard him cross the distance between us, and felt the bed dip beneath his weight when he sat down beside me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye now. He wore the signet crown over his thick, dark hair, but his collar of office was a simple gold chain, unadorned by jewels — unlike the gaudy one his father had worn.

  “You’re the king now,” I said.

  He reached out and covered my hands with one of his. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m still Damian — and I still need you.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and the tears I’d been trying to hold in spilled onto my cheeks. “If you wish for me to continue to serve on your guard, I would b
e honored to do so.”

  His fingers tightened over mine. “Alexa, look at me.”

  I shook my head, my eyes still closed.

  “Look at me, please. I don’t care about the scars. I care about you,” he said, his voice achingly tender.

  I’d never heard him sound so unsure of himself.

  “Please look at me, so I can tell you how much I care about you. How much I love you.”

  It was hearing those words that undid me. My eyes flew open. For a moment, I forgot how ugly I was and turned to stare at him. He didn’t flinch or turn away. He looked straight into my eyes, and lifted his hand to softly cup the ruined side of my face.

  “Alexa, I love you. Please forgive me for keeping so many secrets. There are no more; I promise. And I need you. I need you,” he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper, his familiar eyes intent on mine and oh so very, very blue in the light of the morning sun.

  I didn’t pull away when he leaned forward and very gently touched his lips to mine, as if he were afraid of breaking me. My breath caught in my throat. I ached to melt into his arms, to believe his words, to believe I really could be with him.

  But he was a king now.

  And I was … not worthy of a king.

  When I didn’t respond, he pulled away, his expression guarded. The hurt in his eyes nearly shattered my already broken heart.

  “Alexa?”

  “You’re a king, Damian. Do you intend to make me your queen? Because that’s the only way we could be together. And you and I both know I am not fit to be queen of Antion.” I gently pulled my hands out from his.

  “Don’t do this,” he said.

  “We both know it’s the right thing to do. If you wish me to serve you as your guard, I will. Although it might be difficult for me to be so close to you. Especially once you do decide to marry someone who is worthy to be your queen.”

  Damian’s eyes flashed and he stood up abruptly. “Yes, you’re right, I am king of Antion. And I have the ability to decide who is worthy to be my queen.”

  I had to make him leave, or else I wasn’t going to have the strength to say no any longer. Even if he couldn’t see it, I knew I was right. No one would respect him if he made his scarred, former guard his wife. He needed someone powerful, someone who could help him rule and heal his nation.

  “Damian, it isn’t just that,” I said. My heart constricted in my chest, but I had to do it. For his sake. “I can’t trust you. I can’t be with you; I can’t be your queen when I can’t trust you.”

  His jaw tightened and he stared at me. “After everything we’ve been through — after everything we accomplished together — this is your answer? You don’t trust me?”

  “I’m very sorry,” I said, trying to make my voice firm, not to let him notice how I was trembling. How my eyes were stinging from the tears I couldn’t let him see.

  He looked at me for a moment longer, then he nodded curtly, his expression hard. “Fine. Then, as your king” — he spat the word as if he hated it — “I order you to continue to serve on my personal guard. And maybe someday, you will decide I am worthy of your trust after all.”

  Without waiting for my response, he turned on his heel and strode to the door. He yanked it open and was gone.

  I rolled onto my stomach and buried my sobs in my pillow.

  EVERYONE LEFT ME alone for the next couple of hours, and eventually I forced myself to dry my tears and draw up my courage. I wasn’t going to hide in here any longer. I didn’t want Rylan to come visit me while I was lying in bed, too. I would face him on my terms — on my own two feet, even though the thought of looking at him, talking to him, knowing I was responsible for his brother’s death made my stomach turn.

  I stood up and looked around for something to change into, instead of the long nightgown I had on. Everywhere I turned were reminders of Damian, of the night I’d come in to see him thrashing in bed from a nightmare. The time he’d stood by his desk, fidgeting with what I learned was his mother’s locket. I had to clench my jaw to keep the tears from rising again. I was certain I’d made the right decision, but it nearly destroyed me to do it.

  Just as Damian had said to me all those weeks ago, duty came first with me. He’d been praising me for it then. I was sure he was cursing me for it now.

  There was nothing for me to wear, and I finally went to the door and cracked it open. The cot I’d slept on was still there, and I had to take a deep breath to calm my emotions yet again. Lisbet was sitting on it, and when the door opened, she jumped to her feet.

  “You’re up,” she said.

  “I need some clothes, please,” I said, glancing around the room, grateful to see it was empty.

  “What would you like to wear? King Damian’s official coronation is in a few hours. I’m sure he’d want you to be there.” She gave me a searching look.

  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I’d rejected him on the day of his coronation. Why hadn’t I been told? But then again, my answer would have still been the same.

  “I’ve been commanded to continue my duties as guard to King Damian, so I would like to wear what the other guards are wearing,” I finally responded.

  Lisbet nodded and turned to walk away.

  When she came back, she handed me a uniform similar to what we’d always worn, but now it had the insignia of the king on the pocket of the vest.

  “Will you be continuing your position as Alex or Alexa?” Lisbet asked, giving me a look from the corner of her eye after I climbed out of the bath she’d drawn for me.

  “Alexa,” I said. “I’m not hiding who I am anymore.”

  Lisbet nodded. “Your hair is growing out. Soon you’ll be able to braid it when you’re on duty, if you’d like.”

  I reached up and was surprised to realize she was right. In the many weeks of traveling, it had grown a few inches, nearly reaching my shoulders now. Tears pricked my eyes again, and I smiled hesitantly.

  “You’re still beautiful,” she said softly as she helped me get dressed. My left shoulder was stiff; Lisbet had told me it might take some time to get my full range of motion back.

  “You don’t have to lie to me.” I wiped the wetness from my face in irritation before letting her help me pull on my shirt. For the first time, I wore a woman’s undergarment beneath it, instead of a cloth binding to hide my breasts.

  Lisbet gently took my shoulders in her hands, forcing me to look at her. “True beauty is what lies inside of us, not what the world sees. A beautiful shell that houses a vile soul becomes sullied over time. But an outer shell, imperfect as it may be, that houses a beautiful soul shines with that beauty, radiating it for all who have eyes to see.”

  I stared down at the floor, not meeting her eyes.

  “We still see you, Alexa. Not your scars. Your scars are nothing to be ashamed of — they are a manifestation of your courage and determination. They are witness to the fact that you saved this nation.” She reached down and picked up my vest, guided my arms through it. “Those who truly love you will only ever see you for what you really are.”

  I didn’t reply as I buttoned up the vest and strapped a scabbard around my waist. When I was dressed, Lisbet turned me to face the full-length mirror.

  “You see? You’re fierce and lovely.”

  I stared at myself, and at first, all I could see were my scars. But the longer I looked, the more I noticed other things. Like my hair, thick and dark and growing longer again. My eyes, untouched by the fire. My eyes were still my brother’s eyes, and our father’s. I still had my arms, my hands, my legs. I wore the uniform of the guard, but I looked different, and not just because of my scars. Without the binding, I had the figure of a woman, and I wondered what everyone else would think when they found out — if they didn’t already know.

  But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. As I stood there, becoming familiar with my new reflection, an unexpected peace flowed over me. Warmth filled my chest until it spread throughout my whole body.


  I was alive. Scarred — yes. But I’d done it. I’d done what I needed to do to save Antion, to give Damian the chance to save our nation — and I’d survived.

  For the first time since the day I’d had to chop off my hair and pretend to be a boy, I smiled at my reflection.

  Lisbet left to prepare for the coronation, but I lingered for a few minutes, relishing the newfound peace I’d discovered — however brief it might be. There was so much ahead of me that was still going to be difficult, even heartbreaking. Guarding Damian would be torturous, but I wouldn’t fail him, no matter how hard being near him would be. He still had a nation to rebuild.

  And there were so many deaths to mourn.

  But for this brief moment in time, I felt like I could face everything that waited for me.

  When I finally walked into the outer chamber of Damian’s quarters, Rylan stood across the room from me, and my tentative courage wavered. He heard the door and paused, not turning around yet. “Alex?”

  “You can keep calling me that if you want, but I’m not going to hide who I am anymore,” I said.

  “Alexa, can I turn around?”

  I walked to him, my heart pounding. “Yes,” I said when I stood only a few feet away.

  Slowly, he turned to face me. His eyes widened slightly, and I recoiled, thinking it was from the scars. But he shook his head. “No, it’s not what you think — it’s that … you … you’re so beautiful.”

  I would have responded the same as I did to Lisbet, told him to stop lying, but I could see the truth in his eyes. He even flushed a little bit. “I’m glad you aren’t hiding who you are anymore.”

  I nodded, and then took a deep breath. “Rylan,” I began, my voice already trembling, “I’m so sorry.”

  A shadow crossed his face, but he reached out and took one of my hands in his, warm and reassuring. “Please don’t apologize. Deron told me what happened. He told me how Jude sacrificed himself to give you the chance to attack Iker. I’m proud of him.” His voice was thick with emotion.