Outcast

by Guerin Zand

  The ladies were not sure but they agreed to meet with Isabelle and discuss it. It could be a big help since they could start to spread some of the finances out into the ASTN markets. Earth was close to discovering a new form of faster than light, FTL, travel and we would want to trade with the ASTN eventually. Plus, if I had my own people working the finances, we might actually be able to pocket a little cash, if you know what I mean.

  We all left my cabin together and headed to the ship's galley. I needed to get started preparing for pizza night and the ladies always helped. We didn’t just pop a couple of frozen pizzas in the oven and call it pizza night. No. We made the pizzas from scratch, for the most part. I went to the stasis chamber, just a real hi-tech freezer, and removed enough dough for a dozen pizzas. We had a crew of 10 and there were 8 on Cindy’s shuttle, so I figured I would need to make more than a couple of pizzas.

  Part of the fun of pizza night was making the pizzas and usually I would have several helpers. Cindy and her crew came over and the drinks started flowing. I started on the prep for the pizzas. I queried both crews to find out how many vegan pizzas I needed and what other types of pizza they wanted. My crew were not vegans, but Cindy’s crew, being Bree, were. I suggested we make 5 vegans and Cindy said that a lot of her crew liked the non-vegan pizzas.

  “I thought all of you Bree were fundamentalist vegans, Cindy? Since when do you eat meat or dairy?”

  “We’ve been working on Earth for a few hundred years, Guerin. We can handle all the same human food you normally eat. I even developed a real liking for cheeseburgers since you’ve been gone.”

  “Milly told me, way back when, that you guys couldn’t handle Earth food.”

  “She lied. I’m sure it’s not the only time a Bree lied to you.”

  I just shook my head. I was used to the Bree lies, or as they called them, half-truths. Normally they didn’t lie, they just didn’t answer the question you asked, or answered it in a way as to not have actually answered it. I’d learned long ago to just ignore it, so I just asked how many people wanted vegan pizza.

  “So, where did you find all the pizza making ingredients out here, Guerin?”

  “I don’t get the pizza supplies out here, Cindy. We go back to Earth occasionally to stock up on the essentials. We hit The Hill in St. Louis to get the dough, sauce, pepperoni, sausage and Provel cheese. While we’re there we get fresh peppers, onions, garlic and other veggies that we store in the stasis hold as well. Then we stop off in Kentucky for our Pappy’s supply.”

  “You use a Bree shuttle to go grocery shopping on Earth?”

  “Well, yea. Why wouldn’t we?”

  “That’s not what the shuttles are for, Guerin.”

  “Yes, they are, Cindy. You guys would stop off for Pappy’s when you went to Earth. What’s the difference? Senri says we could go back and forth every day for the next ten thousand years before we even made a dent in the ships energy stores. Besides, it’s not a Bree shuttle anymore, it’s the Dread Space Ship Vengeance.”

  “That’s not the point, and we only picked up Earth stores when we already had a trip to Earth planned for other reasons. We don’t just pop over to Earth whenever we’re in the mood for ice cream or whatever.”

  “Well, you guys are boring. I’m not. What’s your problem with us doing a little grocery shopping?”

  “I don’t know. It just seems there are better uses for shuttles.”

  “Well, maybe on the Bree ships you don’t have enough shuttles, so you have to schedule their use, but here we always have one available. We might as well use it if we have a reason.”

  “So, for the last two hundred or so years you’ve been going back and forth to Earth grocery shopping?”

  “We couldn’t have pizza night every week if we didn’t.”

  “ARRGGGGH!”

  “What’s the problem.”

  “You’ve been going back and forth to Earth and you don’t tell anyone? You make us track you down?”

  “I didn’t make you track me down, Cindy. That was the Council’s decision.”

  “Did you even bother to contact any of the team when you went to Earth on these little grocery runs?”

  “Yes. I told you I was keeping up on things. I really hate having to repeat myself to you aliens all the time. You’re supposed to be the uber-intelligent ones. I tell you I’ve been keeping in touch and then you ask me, just a few hours later, have I contacted anyone. What’s wrong with you people?”

  “Guerin! What the fuck! How come this is the first time, in all these years, I’m hearing that you’ve been keeping in contact with the team?”

  “Maybe because you never asked before?”

  “You’re such a fucking ASSHOLE!”

  “Well, now you’re just stating the obvious. Just another reason to question your intelligence.” I couldn’t help smiling as I tossed the pizza dough.

  “Who else knew about this?”

  “Well, obviously the team knew since I contacted them. Do you want me to go a little slower since it appears you’re having trouble following along?”

  “Seriously, Guerin, I’m going to kill you! Who else knew?”

  “Well, Bart and Gladys. I’d usually drop by when it was their shift to be on station around Earth. Other committee members, like Isabelle, and I’m sure Jackie knew since Steve knew.”

  “Why didn’t anybody tell us?”

  “Because I told them not to. I didn’t want anything to do with the Bree. I made it clear if they told you, I wouldn’t come back.”

  “You didn’t even want to see me?”

  “I wanted to see you, but I knew you’d tell. Don’t take it personally.”

  “Well, excuse me if I do.”

  “Oh, don’t be that way. I know being outsmarted by a dumb monkey hurts, but you’ll get over it.”

  “It’s not funny, Guerin.” Cindy was pissed, and she was being a little sloppy with her pizza making duties.

  I grabbed her hands and tried to calm her down. “Try not to take it out on the pizza, ok?”

  Cindy calmed down a bit and she continued to layer the ingredients on the pizza she was working on. “So, are you happy that you outsmarted the Bree? Was stealing the shuttle just another shot at us?”

  “Allegedly. I still deny having anything to do with the disappearance of Julie’s shuttle. I don’t know that I would say it makes me happy to outsmart the Bree, but you have to admit, you people make it easy sometimes.”

  “Oh, well maybe we just don’t have devious minds like you humans.”

  “Oh, please, Cindy. You Bree have been dicking me around and lying to me since the day Milly abducted me. You’re probably the most conniving and devious race of beings in the universe. You made it easy to outsmart you since you always thought I was just some stupid asshole monkey. Did you think I would abandon my team?”

  “You were upset when you left, Guerin. You had just lost your wife and your daughter was leaving to start a new life. Everyone thought you’d take a little time away, but no one thought you were going to steal a shuttle,” Yes, she just wasn’t going to let that go. “And then try and take on the Trogan empire all by yourself. You know you can’t fight the entire Trogan empire on your own, Guerin.”

  “Well nobody else is helping me, so what choice do I have?”

  “That’s not fair, Guerin. The Collective has always been there for you if you would have just reached out for help. Your pride is getting in the way of your actually making a difference. You could...”

  “Stop, Cindy. The Collective would never do anything the Bree Council didn’t approve first. I’m not as dumb as I look. I know what’s happening, and I know what they want from me. I’ve been doing their bidding this whole time, so don’t lie to me. They’ve been manipulating me from the very start, and as much as I resist, I still end up doing exactly what they want.”

  Cindy tried to respond, but I raised my hand to her face and signaled that this conversation was finished.

&
nbsp; Crystal and Cheyenne were working the bar. We had Pappy’s, Gluark, a nice Chianti, and several bottles of a rare Trogan spirit. Now the Trogans were basically your typical arrogant dictator fucks. Every ship’s captain was politically connected and thus had access to the spoils of the elite classes. This meant well-stocked liquor cabinets as well as some of the finest slave girls. As a pirate captain, I was duty bound to relieve them of both when we boarded one of their ships.

  Now, we didn’t take advantage of the slave girls. No. We were civilized pirates and that would have been wrong. If they were grateful and happened to want to show the crew a little appreciation, we would usually accept. To do otherwise, I thought, would just be plain rude. The liquor cabinets, on the other hand, we pillaged as in the days of old. I’m sure that in some part of the universe, imbibing another man’s spirits without his permission was a more egregious offense then having carnal knowledge of his women, but we pirates weren’t that sophisticated.

  Anyways, the women were tending bar and the first pizzas were starting to come out of the ovens. Everyone grabbed a drink, a slice, and pizza night was officially underway. I continued to pump out pizzas and tried to keep up with the demand. I had also made a couple of Italian sausage rolls. These were made using an old family recipe handed down from my grandmother. As was allowed in our family, we each had our own little twist on the basic recipe, and of course, mine was always the best. As far as pizza nights go, this was one of the best in a long time. We hadn’t had such a large crowd in years, and I think everyone was enjoying the festive atmosphere.

  Senri stood up to address the crowd. “If you would all like to refill your drinks and grab some more pizza now is a good time. In a few minutes, we’ll start tonight’s movie.”

  “What’s tonight’s movie?” Cindy asked me.

  The whole crew yelled out, “The Princess Bride!”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes, Cindy. It’s a crew favorite, and it’s sort of our theme movie if there is such a thing. Have you seen it before?”

  “No. I’ve heard about it. Julie told me how the Captain Roberts reference came from the movie.”

  “You’ve never seen it? Trust me, you’re in for a real treat. It’s probably one of the best movies ever made. It’s definitely the best child’s fairy tale ever written. It’s one of those rare stories that adults and children enjoy equally. That’s a hard thing to do.”

  “I was kind of hoping for a Star Wars flick.”

  The mess hall fell silent. No one dared speak of that collection of space porn onboard the dread ship Vengeance. For those of you not familiar with the term space porn, it’s used to refer to stories of space adventures that cater primarily to the visual senses in lieu of having an actual plot. Just like sex porn. Actually, there is a lot of sex porn out there that has more entertaining and intelligent plots than the Star Wars dribble.

  Come on now, you have to admit it. Even if you are a fan, the writing and characters sucked. It was so bad that in one installment, when Padme was dying for absolutely no reason, Obi-Wan asks “She’s dying?”. The little android doctor replies, “We don’t know why.” There’s been a lot of wild explanations written on why this makes sense, but remember, Star Wars was written for children and not adults. Only fully-grown nerds, who may, or may not, have ever been laid debate this shit. The answer is quite simple you see. What the doctor said in reply was exactly what the writers were thinking. Such shitty writing that they had nothing left but to admit they had nothing left. And don’t even get me started on the origins of Darth Vader. That whiny little momma’s boy was more likely to be the first bitch buggered in a prison shower scene then become the scourge of the universe. And do I even have to mention Jar Jar Binks? ARGGGGGH! With more than 200 video and immersive films made since its inception, we’d all had enough!

  Cindy looked around. Not quite sure what happened. “What’s wrong?”

  “Ok, you’re a guest, and I guess we should let it pass this time, but we’ve spaced crew members that dare utter those words.”

  “What, Star Wars?”

  “Stop now, Cindy. One more time and even I won’t be able to save you.”

  “Sorry.”

  Everyone went back to what they were doing, which was mostly drinking and trying to cop a cheap feel if they happened to be seated next to someone they found attractive. I know it sounds a bit adolescent, but we were technically a pirate ship, and as I keep saying, that’s mostly about the image.

  Everyone enjoyed the movie. My crew and I couldn’t help but shout out some of our favorite lines along with the actors. We all polished off a good amount of alcohol, and I couldn’t remember having had such fun in a very, very, long time. Tomorrow that would all change. I should have told Cindy I’d go back to Earth, but I wouldn’t meet with the Council. That thought didn’t occur to me when my mouth was actually agreeing to meet with them. For some reason, I always agreed to things without thinking when a pretty Bree woman made the request. I had forgotten about that over the last few hundred years and I’d let my guard down. I’d be more careful in the future.

  After the movie, my accountants and I cleaned up the galley. My crew retired to their quarters and Cindy’s crew headed back to their shuttle. Cindy stuck around and we ended up in my quarters having a little nightcap.

  Cindy was every bit as beautiful as any Bree woman. When we first met, she was still very young. I knew she had a crush on me, but I figured she’d have moved on after a few hundred years. She hadn’t, and she didn’t seem to want to hide that fact.

  I have to admit that I often thought about her over the years and how only an idiot would have let her get away. At this current juncture in my life, I had even less scruples then back in my earlier years, if you can believe that, and I was in the mood. I pulled Cindy in for a kiss. As I let my tongue find hers, I reached up and cupped her supple breast in my right hand.

  WACK!

  “What the fuck, Cindy?” That’s right she had pushed me away and bitch slapped me a good one. I think a few teeth were loose after the strength of that blow.

  “You were trying to cop a cheap feel, Guerin. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “I wasn’t trying to cop a cheap feel. I was making my move.”

  “That’s your move?”

  “Well, yea, sort of. I mean, it gets better if you would have let me continue.” I moved back in close to her, grabbed a handful of her ass, and pulled her in close.

  WACK!

  “Damn it, Cindy. You’ve got to stop doing that. You’re ruining the mood.”

  “The mood? I’m not one of your accountants, Guerin. I’d think you’d show a little respect for me. You’re such an asshole!”

  “Well, you knew that before you came back to my quarters. It’s not like that should be a surprise.”

  WACK!

  “Christ, Cindy! What did I do now? I didn’t even touch you. Maybe I deserved a little slap for being too forward, but you don’t have to throw those death blows, do you?”

  “Is the big bad pirate captain going to cry?”

  “No. I’m not going to cry. I might have to visit medical, but I’m not going to cry. What is your problem? I thought you liked me?” I was staying back out of striking distance while I spoke.

  “I don’t want to be another one of your conquests, Guerin.”

  “Is that what you think of me? You think that’s how I see you?”

  “I don’t know, Guerin, but we’ve all heard the stories of Captain Roberts.”

  “Seriously, Cindy. Why does everybody, why do you especially, believe any of those stories? You know most of it is pure bullshit.”

  “So the story about what happened on Erandi isn’t true?”

  “Well, I’ll admit that I did get a little action while I was there, but they made me.”

  “Seriously, Guerin?”

  “I don’t know what story Bart made up about that, but you know he does embellish a bit. His stories are always better t
han the real thing.”

  “So please, tell me how they made you?”

  “Ok. I will.”

  So I started to tell Cindy about when I went to Erandi to visit Bart and Gladys.

  Chapter 2

  The Erandisi Affair

  I thought I could use a break from the pirate life, so I took the Vengeance to Erandi and called on my old friends. Bart said that they had some visiting dignitaries staying at their residence, so they’d arrange for a room at a local inn. I made my way down to the surface, checked in at the inn, and the two of them joined me for dinner. The inn had a restaurant and bar that was quite popular according to my friends. The meal was very good for vegan fare.

  We had a nice dinner and I headed over to the bar to get us another round of drinks. The bar and restaurant were crowded, and you know how it is sometimes. It’s just easier to get up, and get your own drinks, then to wait for the waiter when a place gets too busy. I walked over to the bar and squeezed in next to a woman who was enjoying her drink. While I was waiting for the bartender, I looked over at the lady next to me, smiled, and said “Hello.” The next thing I know, I’m on the floor with this she-beast on top of me doing her best MMA ground and pound routine.

  Erandi is a planet with a gravity almost 25% greater than Earth. The Erandisi people, although not that big looking, have considerable mass to them, even the women. Bart was a scary looking dude, but the Erandisi women were kind of cute. I did know the mating habits included some rather rough foreplay, but we were on the floor of the restaurant, not my room, and all I did was say hello. I figured maybe I insulted her. Perhaps simply speaking to a strange woman was considered being too forward.

  Her weight and the increased gravity made it difficult to escape the beating I was taking, but I finally made it back up to my feet. I held out my open hands in front of me. “I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t mean...”

  I was right back on the floor and the little hard ass was on top of me again. This bitch was relentless. I wondered if maybe we had met before? I really wasn’t doing a lot of thinking other than how to protect myself and get away from this killer. Strangely enough, I was also a little aroused. I think that was due to the alien perv gene Julie had infected me with. Finally, I got her under control. I had her on her stomach with her arms pinned behind her back. I was in pretty bad shape by that time. She obviously failed to read the MMA rules against groin shots, and my friends down there were really hurting.