Ink: Devil’s Nightmare MC

by Bourne, Lena

  “For how long?” I ask, interrupting Cross mid-sentence and getting more than one angry glare for it, including Cross’. But I gotta know.

  “As long as it takes to deal with this,” Cross says, and I hear the silent undertone of, “Until I say different,” very clearly too.

  He goes on to explain that we’re to hand in our old phones then see Hawk one by one about getting new ones, which sounds like an unnecessary thing. Or at least it was never a necessary thing before any of the other jobs we’ve gone on, but what do I know?

  I’ll go see Hawk about getting a new phone right after this meeting, to get it over with. Then I’m leaving, despite Cross’ order not to. I gotta see Julie, and I’m hoping Hawk will help me smooth things over with Cross in that regard. A couple of days is all I really need. Hawk owes me a favor and I’m gonna collect it in full tonight.

  “You’ll get instructions on a need to know basis, but I don’t expect to move in the next two weeks.” Cross adds. “Now have a good one.”

  Cross, Tank and Rook leave and then suddenly everyone’s talking. I hear more than one of the brothers wondering what the hell this meeting was even about, since Cross just told us to hand in our phones and stay put for at least two weeks. Fuck that!

  I’m not the only one thinking along those lines, that much is evident from the bits and pieces of conversation I hear, as I elbow my way through the crowd to get to Hawk. I catch up to him just as him and Doc exit the clubhouse.

  “Hey, Hawk, I need to talk to you,” I say to halt him.

  Both him and Doc turn and glare at me with too much understanding on their faces. The “not-gonna-happen” type of understanding. They know I want to leave, and they know I now can’t. But they’re wrong.

  Hawk motions me to follow him to the side of the building and away from the crowd leaving the clubhouse. For some reason Doc is tagging along.

  “I know you’ve been planning to go see that girl of yours, but that’s out of the question now,” Doc says once we stop. His tone says he’s sorry about it, but his eyes are hard like he’s forbidding me from doing it.

  I’d rather not argue and disrespect the guy who has saved my life twice now, so I nod slowly then turn to Hawk. I think it’s only the force of my gaze that’s making him meet my eyes.

  “Hawk, I need to go see her. Can you make it happen?”

  I think he understand that this is me collecting on the favor he owes me for saving his woman. If I can help it, I’d rather not point that out directly, but I will if he plays dumb.

  “You only have to stay here for a short while longer,” Hawk says. “In a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to go where you want again.”

  “That’s too long.” I almost add that I’ve already made up my mind to leave tonight no matter what, but then I wisely decide that the fewer people who know that at this point, the better.

  “She’s waited this long—” Doc starts saying, but he’s just gonna repeat the same crap he told me when he checked my bullet holes the other day, so I interrupt,” I’m not gonna wait.”

  “Can she come here?” Hawk asks. “Call her and ask her to visit.”

  I don’t reply, since it’d be pointless now. Cross ordered us all to stay here, that wasn’t just a request or suggestion, and I should obey it. But I gotta see Julie, and if we’re moving against the Vagos, well, those sons of bitches are right next to where I’ll be when I do. So I’ll already be right where Cross needs me to be.

  “Just give it a couple more days, Ink,” Doc says and this time I nod, and give him a big ol’ wide smile besides.

  “Well, if that’s what the President wants, then that’s what’s happening,” I say.

  Then I turn to Hawk and hand him my phone. “Here. Might as well get this part of Cross’ order over with right away.”

  Hawk takes my phone. “Come see me about a new one tomorrow morning.”

  I tell him I will, make another smartass comment about doing my duty, then walk back into the clubhouse.

  They didn’t convince me to stay, but it’s better if they believe they did. That way Cross can’t accuse them of not stopping me. I’ll go down for disobeying the President’s order, but I won’t take anyone down with me, so I won’t ask Hawk for that favor after all. It was childish to even think that way. I would do what I did for him and his woman for any brother that needed my help, and with no thought of what I might get in return.

  Leaving despite a direct order to stay doesn’t sit well with me, but I gotta go see Julie. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since the night I got shot, and it’s not getting any better. A few days are all I need. Maybe Cross won’t even notice that I’m gone. If she takes me back, I’ll bring her here with me. If she doesn’t, then my life and soul are worthless anyway.

  3

  Ink

  I only waited long enough for most of the crowd in the parking lot in front of the clubhouse to disperse before heading back out to my bike. My stuff is already packed in the saddle bags, and as soon as I’m out of town, I’ll pack away the cut with the Devil’s Nightmare MC colors too. It would send too strong a message, if I ride back into my hometown wearing it, and I want to be as inconspicuous about this visit as I can. Cross’ order to stay put has now also been added to my list of reasons for that.

  The longer I wait, the lousier I’ll feel about leaving the Devils and disobeying Cross’ order. I already feel pretty rotten, and it’s been less than fifteen minutes since I made my decision. But a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. I haven’t been sleeping, since I decided I need to get Julie back, and I’m pretty much a ball of nerves over the whole thing. In other words, I’m useless for anything else until I go and see her.

  I already promised myself that I’ll return before anyone can miss me, which has taken a bit of the edge off my guilt over disobeying Cross. I’ll do my best to keep it, but at the same time, the nagging feeling that I don’t want Julie mixed up in the kind of life I have with the Devils, or the kind of life I’d have with any MC, keeps surfacing. I’m not planning that far ahead though, not yet. First, she has to take me back, and that’s not a given, not by a long shot.

  “Don’t do it, Ink,” Hawk’s voice comes from the shadows as I reach my bike, scaring the ever-loving shit out of me. It’s so dark I don’t see him, so it’s just a voice I’m hearing clear as day, but might only be in my head.

  “I’m serious,” he says and steps out into the light. My relief at not having imagined it all is quickly replaced by anger and annoyance.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” I say and I do mean it, for what that’s worth. “But I gotta do this.”

  I pause to gauge his reaction. I don’t like the doubt that’s on his face.

  “Can you cover for me for a couple of days?” I ask. “Say you sent me on an errand or something?”

  He shakes his head, but I started this, so I have no choice but to add, “You owe me, man. Your lady would probably be dead if I hadn’t gotten in the way of those bullets.”

  I don’t like spelling it out like this, and I hope he knows I don’t regret helping him out, but I’m desperate.

  He winces, but then his face looks even more troubled than it was before.

  “Cross wants everyone to stay in town,” he says. “I can’t send anyone out without his go ahead. Just stay for a couple more days, then I’ll see what I can do.”

  It’s me shaking my head this time, anger a fiery black ball in my chest. I’m not saying I wouldn’t take those bullets to save his girl all over again, but I already did and Hawk could be showing a little more gratitude over my sacrifice.

  “Unless you plan on physically stopping me, I’m going now,” I say and wait a few seconds for his reply before mounting my bike.

  He stands there like roots have grown out of his boots as I rev the engine.

  “You’re good people, Ink,” he finally says. “I’ll do what I can to cover for you, but I won’t be able to do it for more than a couple of days. C
ross wasn’t dicking around with that order, he never dicks around. You should know that by now.”

  I nod. “I know, Hawk. But I gotta do this. And a couple of days is all I need.”

  “Get a new phone and call me when you do. You have my number memorized?” he adds.

  I nod again. He made us all memorize his and a couple other phone numbers in case shit goes south on jobs, and we don’t have access to our phones.

  “Call me as soon as you buy a phone,” he repeats sternly. “I need to know your new number and where you are.”

  I’m about to make some joke about him sounding like a needy girlfriend right now, but I stop myself, and just tell him I’ll do it.

  Then he wishes me good luck and I’m off, the guilt over disobeying my president’s order colliding with the realization that this scene that just occurred between Hawk and me was strange as hell. Why was he waiting for me in the dark like that? Thinking back on it, everything he said—which wasn’t very informative—sounded ominous as hell.

  But I’ll deal with it after I see Julie.

  I can’t think of anything else but her anyway.

  * * *

  Julie

  Almost all of my things are packed, today’s Friday, my very last day of work, and on Saturday I’m leaving. I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach with nerves, since I taped up the last of the boxes filled with the things I’ll leave behind. I’m finally doing what I’ve been dreaming about for the last three months, or for the better part of my adult life, actually. So why the hell am I a nervous wreck about it? Why are my hands stiff and clumsy when they’re not shaking?

  I think I know why, but I don’t want to let those thoughts in. They could ruin everything, could set me back weeks, could make me do what Dad wants and stay here, start dating Jerry and get that damn permit that I couldn’t care less about.

  How will Ink find me if I just disappear?

  No matter how hard I fight that thought, it always manages to surface, always manages to distract me from going after what I want. It’s strong enough to make me stay here, if I let it be.

  But he’s not coming back. It’s been a year. He meant it when he said that it’s over between us. That’s all I need to believe and time has now proven it true. Believing anything else is just wishful thinking. Besides even if he does come back, I won’t take him back. Why would I? So he can break my heart all over again? I haven’t even managed to put the pieces back together since the last time he did that.

  The door of my nicely air-conditioned office opens, letting in the hotter afternoon air from the hallway, as my brother enters. He looks apprehensive and constipated at the same time.

  “What can I help you with, Boyd?” I ask in my cold and annoyed voice. “I’m clocking out in half and hour, so it better not be anything major.”

  He nods nervously as he walks towards my desk, not meeting my eyes. “Yeah, I don’t blame you for leaving early. It’s a nice day today…great beach weather.”

  “Sure,” I mutter, since I know he didn’t come in here to talk about the weather.

  I’m mad at him for siding with Dad over the whole Jerry thing. What am I to the two of them? A little woman only useful for the price she can fetch with the right man? I’m being a little unfair though, and Dad made it clear I don’t have to get involved with Jerry if I don’t want to. Besides, he’s had Boyd doing the same thing with lady commissioners, journalists, insurance investigators and such for years. Anything goes to advance the family business, as he always says. My grandfather, and great-grandfather said the same thing. All I know is that I’m done with the family business.

  “You should take the afternoon off too,” I say more complacently. “You work too hard.”

  He nods in an absent way like he didn’t even hear me.

  “Yeah, maybe,” he says and clears his throat. “Listen, Julie, I know how you feel about this, but Dad wants me to tell you that Jerry moved back to town yesterday. He has the whole weekend off before he starts work on Monday. Here’s his address...”

  He tosses the piece of paper he’s been rolling around in his hands this whole time onto the desk in front of me. It lands on the keyboard and for some reason it feels like it’s blocking me from freedom, since now I can’t type. It’s a ridiculous thought, but I feel it keenly. I glare at it like it’s actually doing me physical harm.

  “Look, I know you don’t like the guy--,” Boyd says but stops talking as I transfer the glare onto him.

  Dislike is not a strong enough word. Try hate, bro. But it doesn’t matter. I’ll be in Mexico by Monday.

  So I force a smile over my gritted teeth and pick up the paper with Jerry’s address and phone number. “Sure, anything for the family, right?”

  It comes out very cold and sarcastic, and I’m sure Boyd heard that. But he just nods and leaves my office.

  A couple of minutes later, I do too. I’m done with the family business.

  As soon as the heat outside envelops me, I instantly wish I drove to work today. But I love my walks to and from work. They’ve been helping me feel alive, helping me find the strength and courage to go after the life I do want, and not settle for this one that I got.

  “Hey, Julie!” The voice sounds much more familiar than it should after not hearing it for a year.

  I turn, and there’s Ink. It doesn’t feel like a dream, but a part of my mind is convinced that it should be. There’s no way he can be here, yet he’s standing next to his bike, wearing a light blue t-shirt and dark blue jeans, his thick, curly hair sun-kissed brown hair shorter than it was when he left me. My palms itch with a distant, yet clear and strong desire to run my fingers through it. His smile and those blinding sparkles in his forest-green eyes are still as hypnotizing as they were the first time we locked eyes across a basketball court all those years ago.

  “Wanna have a drink with me?” he asks me the same question, in the exact same way he did on the afternoon following that basketball game, when he came to wait for me in front of my high school. He’s doing it on purpose, because he remembers things like that, and plans these kinds of romantic little gestures then delivers them perfectly. I still remember the day we met clearly too. I remember most days we spent together very clearly if I want to. I don’t want to. And I don’t care for this romantic reminder of the best day of my life? Where was this romance on the day he left me? I should ask him that, but I doubt I can make my voice work just yet.

  The heat outside rises by a good twenty degrees as all that flashes through my mind. It’s like an explosion went off around us, sucking out all the air, destroying the world and leaving only the two of us whole and alive in the rubble. That’s how being with him always felt, like we were the only two people in the world.

  We weren’t. It was just an illusion, because one day, he up and told me he can’t see me anymore and disappeared with no explanation, no apology, no real good bye. He was just gone.

  “Come on, say something,” he says, and I think that’s also something he said to me on the day we met. Him showing up that day, the boy that I couldn’t stop thinking about all night and all day in school that day, was as much of a shock as this is.

  “What do you want me to say?” I ask angrily.

  That first day we met I just said yes, and then I got on the back of his bike and we had that drink which lasted well into the night. That day was, and still is, one of the top three best days of my life. But this isn’t that day. It’s not even close, even if he insists on recreating it with words.

  “I don’t know. You could say, “Hello”, maybe?” he says and chuckles, but I know he doesn’t think this is funny. His eyes are very serious, and sad, and kind of scared too.

  I see red, and before I know it I’m right next to him, telling him all about how angry I am, how angry I was when he left, how “Hello”, is the last thing he deserves to hear from me after leaving me the way he did. With no explanation, no chance to fix whatever went wrong between us, no hint at what that was in th
e first place. The words are just flowing from my mouth, my mind not even registering them before they spill out.

  I meant to act more dignified when I saw him next, I meant to be cold and aloof and pretend him leaving didn’t hurt me at all. But that was a ridiculous thing to plan for. I loved him more than anyone or anything else in the world. I thought he loved me just as much. I thought we’d stay together forever, he promised me forever, asked me to be his wife. But in the end, he just hurt me more than anyone else ever could.

  “Yeah, I know,” he says quietly, and brushes a strand of hair off my forehead.

  I feel his touch, his presence, his heat and his energy deep inside me, filling me like it always has whenever he looked at me, whenever he held me, whenever we were together. I don’t even know which part of what I just told him he knows. And I almost ask him that, but no…

  I shake my head and take a step back from him, then another one. “We’re not doing this again.”

  I turn and walk away.

  “Come on, Julie, let me explain,” he says, catching up to me.

  For the second time today, I wish I had my car. But at the same time, I don’t, because then me and Ink wouldn’t be walking side by side like this right now. What a ridiculous thought!

  “I still love you so damned much, Julie. I never stopped loving you,” he says in that impossibly honest and sincere way he has. “I don’t want to live without you anymore.”

  I stop and turn to him, glare at him scathingly, ready to tell him I’ve moved on, that I’m with someone else now and happy, ready to lie about all that and more just to hurt him as much as he hurt me. But I can’t lie to him. I still love him too and I never wanted to live without him either. But he forced me to. And I won’t ever let him do it again.

  “OK, let’s have that drink and you can explain,” I say and point to a place at the end of the scorching hot sidewalk we’re walking down.